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Original poster

I'm being triangulated with another woman

85 replies

vampirelover · 05/01/2023 10:40

warning - therapy speak incoming. Referencing Karpman drama triangle 😁

I'm posting this because it's bothering me a lot but I'm also anticipating responses that miss the point but oh well
My partner is ND and not very good at friendships. He's lovely, kind and caring and has codependent tendencies due to an abusive childhood. He's fairly emotionally illiterate despite having lots of therapy and sleep walks into unhealthy relationship patterns because he doesn't see warning signs.
on the other hand I am not a therapist but in a similar field, overthink most interactions and relationships that I have and analyse everything. Despite this we get on very well!!

for the past 18 months he has had a friendship with another woman. I like her, and I 100% believe he's not having an affair and (almost certainly) wouldn't. However, they are in a codependent relationship. They have the same ND and same MH condition and she isn't doing that well, whereas he sees himself (I'm not convinced) as 'better' and the voice of experience.

they used to work together so saw each other 5 days a week, and that was when they interacted. Since she left her MH has nosedived and he is trying to rescue her. She is typical victim (won't do anything herself) and he is typical rescuer (wants to fix things for her, feels responsible for her) but I can also see that this dynamic serves them both well due to codependency. I do think she is probably in love with him a bit too. She's married but has positioned her husband as persecuter which my DP has totally bought into. I feel sorry for the man myself, he might be useless but I don't think he gets a chance to support her really.

this has been bubbling for a few months and I've tried to find a way to raise it without a) accusing him of having an affair by accident b) looking like a jealous loon c) ruining his only friendship but it all came out last night. I explained the drama triangle and his habitual roles and he sort of got it but frankly I felt he was making me into the persecutor and I resent it. I don't want any part of this triangle and I want him to see what's happening and take action to deal with it. Unfortunately he is also passive (see abusive childhood) and avoids conflict rather than facing it. So I don't know what I want really.

please dont tell me he's definitely having an affair. I'm 99% sure he's not. That's not what it's about. But is it an emotional affair? Maybe. I can't tell him not to see her. So how do I move forward taking responsibility for my self only and not getting drawn in? Also I'm not going to leave him, we are getting married, he's the love of my life, he's a good man, just screwed up.

thank you!

OP posts:
BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 10:48

She is saying her husband is a persecutor. Does this mean she is rewriting history? This often happens so someone can justify an emotional attachment to someone else. He is now making you feel bad and making you out to be a persecutor.

Rewriting her relationship.
You think she may be in love with him.
They are codependent.
He is trying to rescue her.
He avoids conflict (so keeps feelings to himself). Is he also secretive with this?

What does her husband think about it?

To be honest it looks like an emotional affair at best. You think she may be a little bit in love with him. Personally I’d be reconsidering my engagement to him if he doesn’t sort this out. Good men have affairs too.

Have you read about walls and windows in relationships?

Captainfairylights · 05/01/2023 10:51

You say you can't tell him not to see this woman, and nor will you leave him. These are the only two courses of action available to you, because they are both in your control.

I am an analyser like you, but what. have I learned is that no one was ever changed by argument, no matter how right you are. This situation is simple. His actions with this woman are hurting you. If he does not have the capacity to see this, how can he be a good husband to you?

I would simply tell him that his friendship with this woman is hurting you and you need him to stop involving himself in her life. Even if he thinks it is unreasonable, you would like him to do it anyway.

If he won't, I think that tells you something very important about your relationship. I would find this to be dealbreaker.

Good luck!

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 10:56

Thank you. It's much to ponder. He's strayed into inappropriate territory with a woman before (a long time back and not like this) and when I pointed it out he cut her off completely. He's not a bad guy, but this friendship is different. He doesn't know anyone else with his ND and that means a lot to him. But his actions are as you say hurting me. I can only do what I can control and I can't control either of them. I know he would cut her off if I asked him to but what would that do to our relationship?
I do need to reflect though. I can't bear to lose him but I don't want to share him in this way I guess

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 05/01/2023 10:58

he is making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. You need to voice your concerns or he won’t change. If he loves you he will step away from this woman, he seems emotionally , over invested. He needs to concentrate on his own relationship.

Goodread1 · 05/01/2023 11:01

You are already sharing him unwittingly whether you like it or not, !
That's the reality isn't it.!

Been there in your situation well similar got the t -shirt.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/01/2023 11:08

Do you think you have fallen into the role of saviour for him and guiding him in these friendships has become a bit of a reoccurring thing defining the relationship?

In my experience these kinds of relationships where someone is relying on another to steer them are not really sustainable. It boils down to the fact you can't depend on him, and thats not a major issue in the beginning of a relationship but is incredibly damaging as life stages evolve.

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:08

Yes I am sharing him and yes he is over invested. He's not secretive but it gets on my nerves when he talks about her so he doesn't talk about her that much. He's usually telling me some other way in which she is struggling, I assume to try to elicit my sympathy but it just makes me irritated! She seemingly does nothing to help her situation apart from talk to him. I find that irritating (which I wouldn't generally, hence why I'm feeling I'm being pushed into persecutor role) rather than endearing or whatever he finds it.
the main thing is, he's been suicidal in the past, and he can't bear thinking of other people feeling that way and wants to rescue them. I don't know if she's suicidal, I don't think so, but he says he's scared she would hurt herself and wants to help her so she doesn't. His motives on the surface are good but they stem from getting his own emotional needs met don't they? That's what the codependent does. I don't fulfil that for him I guess, as I'm not an addict or a person with Mental ill health who needs to be rescued.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 05/01/2023 11:11

Hiding in plain sight

Whatsthestitch · 05/01/2023 11:11

In the kindest of ways op the only one who seems to have the most issues here is you.

Surely you recognise you can't marry this man? He maybe all the things you say but a "lovely man" would respect his fiancées boundaries and not want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own relationship. But he can't can he? Because his mental needs are always placed over your own, and you roll over and accept it because he is "damaged" so that's just the way it has to be correct? The only person inflicting this on themselves is you. You can't change him, he sounds severely damaged. But nor should that be made to be your problem to the point that you are hurt or feeling stressed/upset.

If you go into marriage with this man this is what you can expect for the rest of your life since his mental health seems to excuse all his bad doings. She won't leave the scene, affair or not. He is way too emotionally involved in the person, no one that knows and wants a healthy happy relationship would see this and feel the same. If he has trauma he needs healthier outlets. A therapist is a good start.

But I really despair for you op because for some reason you have conditioned yourself to believe you that this okay to settle for. You can't fix him, change him, save him, he will never be able to put you first when it comes to his wants. I hope you are able to find the strength to realise you deserve more than he is able to give you and leave before you end up deeply heart broken with so much time wasted.

Goodluck

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:12

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/01/2023 11:08

Do you think you have fallen into the role of saviour for him and guiding him in these friendships has become a bit of a reoccurring thing defining the relationship?

In my experience these kinds of relationships where someone is relying on another to steer them are not really sustainable. It boils down to the fact you can't depend on him, and thats not a major issue in the beginning of a relationship but is incredibly damaging as life stages evolve.

That's very insightful, yes I have. I use my understanding of human behaviour and relationships to 'teach' him what's going on. I didn't see it that way until now but I do.
The thing is though I can depend on him. He's the only man I've ever been with who puts me first and always, always does what he says he will. He would cut her off if I asked him to, but I don't want to do that, I want things to change and for the friendship to recede into a more normal dynamic. I have to accept though that I can't control that. We did only talk last night though so I have to give him some time to reflect on it all. He was surprised and taken aback by my interpretation of it all.

OP posts:
Whatsthestitch · 05/01/2023 11:12

*the most issues for even tolerating this ridiculous situation. That is what I meant at the start of my post.

BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 11:13

Are you his rescuer though?

If he has been inappropriate before and you don’t have children together I’d say my piece once (which it appears you have done), observe for a couple of weeks (and yes I would check text messages etc) and start detaching. I wouldn’t want a lifetime of this. You may love him but it doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

UserNinetyNine · 05/01/2023 11:14

You are being taken for a mug. He’s playing knight in shining armour to another woman. He’s pouring his limited emotional capacity into another woman, not you. Men don’t try to “rescue” women they don’t fancy and have feelings for, in my experience. And this isn’t the first time he’s overstepped boundaries with another woman during your relationship.

You say you don’t want to leave and I am not one to jump to LTB, but this man has a repeated history of developing inappropriate relationships with other women, is emotionally stunted, and defensive when you try to communicate your discomfort with the friendship. Relationships can be better than this. If you marry him you should know you will 100% be dealing with other similar situations in future.

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:16

BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 11:13

Are you his rescuer though?

If he has been inappropriate before and you don’t have children together I’d say my piece once (which it appears you have done), observe for a couple of weeks (and yes I would check text messages etc) and start detaching. I wouldn’t want a lifetime of this. You may love him but it doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

Yes, maybe
I will observe and I can feel myself detaching already, I have been for a while.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2023 11:17

You all sound a bit painful sitting around analysing everyone’s “roles”
The only thing that matters is that he has a relationship with another woman that makes you uncomfortable.
He either cares enough about you to dial it right down or he doesn’t, it doesn’t have to be as complicated as you are trying to make it

Whatsthestitch · 05/01/2023 11:17

Let me put it to you like this. If you take mental health out of the equation, and your dp was still involved with this woman as much as he is now, would you be okay with it?

No?

Okay put mental health back into the equation.

It makes no difference. Its still not okay

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:17

UserNinetyNine · 05/01/2023 11:14

You are being taken for a mug. He’s playing knight in shining armour to another woman. He’s pouring his limited emotional capacity into another woman, not you. Men don’t try to “rescue” women they don’t fancy and have feelings for, in my experience. And this isn’t the first time he’s overstepped boundaries with another woman during your relationship.

You say you don’t want to leave and I am not one to jump to LTB, but this man has a repeated history of developing inappropriate relationships with other women, is emotionally stunted, and defensive when you try to communicate your discomfort with the friendship. Relationships can be better than this. If you marry him you should know you will 100% be dealing with other similar situations in future.

Yes you're right
i need to give it some serious thought

OP posts:
BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 11:19

Can I also assume this women he met at work isn’t a 60 year old?

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:21

BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 11:19

Can I also assume this women he met at work isn’t a 60 year old?

Of course not Hmm

lots to think about. Thank you all

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 05/01/2023 11:26

You are in this mess and you are planning on getting married? I'm not sure about all the terms you define as therapy speak but, in plain English, you are in living in his background - you are there, you are dependable, you are taken for granted - useful but forgettable. His relationship with this woman - affair or no affair, is his foreground - with her he has built a whirlwind of self esteem and purpose.

You'd be a fool to tether yourself to him for the rest of your life.

picklemewalnuts · 05/01/2023 11:27

I appreciate how it feels for you, OP. However after 30 years in a marriage of unequals, I warn you it wears you down.

There's a difference between complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses, and effectively parenting your partner. The latter becomes deeply unsexy over time.

You really don't want to be parenting and coaching him for the rest of your life.

So ignore the specifics of this situation, and consider your relationship more widely. Have you chosen him because he's safe and reliable, because he needs you so much? That's not a good, equal foundation either.

Bertha21 · 05/01/2023 11:30

For me I would have to think about me. Is he respecting you? Listening to you? Caring about you? What if you behaved the way he is behaving? What does your gut instinct say? Are you invited or allowed to be friends with her and her husband? Go out together. Or is it an emotional affair? If so you probably need to walk away..

BettyTastica · 05/01/2023 11:32

vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:21

Of course not Hmm

lots to think about. Thank you all

Show quote history

They never are!

RandomMess · 05/01/2023 11:32

He currently isn't putting you first.

You need to tell him that, also that this friend isn't his responsibility and that he is interfering in their marriage by being the support and comfort she should get from her partner not yours.

He needs to make a decision as to who his priority is and fast. If he doesn't recognise he needs to step back massively or cut contact then the relationship is over.

Original poster
vampirelover · 05/01/2023 11:35

RandomMess · 05/01/2023 11:32

He currently isn't putting you first.

You need to tell him that, also that this friend isn't his responsibility and that he is interfering in their marriage by being the support and comfort she should get from her partner not yours.

He needs to make a decision as to who his priority is and fast. If he doesn't recognise he needs to step back massively or cut contact then the relationship is over.

Yes.
im not sure why I've not said that before. I'm not great at asserting my needs I guess.

OP posts: