I'm being triangulated with another woman

[vampirelover]

warning - therapy speak incoming. Referencing Karpman drama triangle 😁

I'm posting this because it's bothering me a lot but I'm also anticipating responses that miss the point but oh well
My partner is ND and not very good at friendships. He's lovely, kind and caring and has codependent tendencies due to an abusive childhood. He's fairly emotionally illiterate despite having lots of therapy and sleep walks into unhealthy relationship patterns because he doesn't see warning signs.
on the other hand I am not a therapist but in a similar field, overthink most interactions and relationships that I have and analyse everything. Despite this we get on very well!!

for the past 18 months he has had a friendship with another woman. I like her, and I 100% believe he's not having an affair and (almost certainly) wouldn't. However, they are in a codependent relationship. They have the same ND and same MH condition and she isn't doing that well, whereas he sees himself (I'm not convinced) as 'better' and the voice of experience.

they used to work together so saw each other 5 days a week, and that was when they interacted. Since she left her MH has nosedived and he is trying to rescue her. She is typical victim (won't do anything herself) and he is typical rescuer (wants to fix things for her, feels responsible for her) but I can also see that this dynamic serves them both well due to codependency. I do think she is probably in love with him a bit too. She's married but has positioned her husband as persecuter which my DP has totally bought into. I feel sorry for the man myself, he might be useless but I don't think he gets a chance to support her really.

this has been bubbling for a few months and I've tried to find a way to raise it without a) accusing him of having an affair by accident b) looking like a jealous loon c) ruining his only friendship but it all came out last night. I explained the drama triangle and his habitual roles and he sort of got it but frankly I felt he was making me into the persecutor and I resent it. I don't want any part of this triangle and I want him to see what's happening and take action to deal with it. Unfortunately he is also passive (see abusive childhood) and avoids conflict rather than facing it. So I don't know what I want really.

please dont tell me he's definitely having an affair. I'm 99% sure he's not. That's not what it's about. But is it an emotional affair? Maybe. I can't tell him not to see her. So how do I move forward taking responsibility for my self only and not getting drawn in? Also I'm not going to leave him, we are getting married, he's the love of my life, he's a good man, just screwed up.

thank you!

What does she look like.

Well, if you don’t want to hear he’s having an affair but accept he may well be having an emotional affair, refuse to ask him to sever the inappropriate friendship, have spoken to him about it which resulted in no change, and won’t leave him because he’s the ‘love of your life’, then I’m not really sure what options that leaves you.

I hadn’t the thread when I posted. Some very insightful posts from PP and I hope they open your eyes.

Thanks.
I am processing what people are saying. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet, it takes me a while to organise my thoughts and PP have been really helpful. I thought I didn't have the right to ask him to stop seeing a friend. However this is clearly more than friendship and he needs to accept that if we can move on.

I read a lot of analysis (rationalisation) from you there but really the focus should be on how this situation makes you feel.

In your situation I think I’d feel a little taken for granted, maybe a bit jealous of the fact their relationship is feeding both of their codependency needs, I’d be feeling left out, I’d be feeling unhappy. And because of all of those negative feelings and because relationships are after all meant to make you feel like you can grow and develop as a person, I would call time on the situation if things didn’t change. But that is me you should figure out how you feel and react accordingly, don’t betray your own feelings, they are telling you something about the situation isn’t right for you, that way lies suffering.

You are being mugged off as my teenager would say.

This poster is WISE, OP.
Twice already in your relationship so far you've been deprioritised in favour of another woman, whether his intentions were romantic or not.

Regardless of whether there's another person involved, his main priority is going to be his neurodiversity and the people and acitvities that support/feed/soothe it. You will get what's left over, and be expected to be grateful for it because he's a victim.

Very important caveat - I'm not saying people with ND can't be great in relationships - my husband has ADHD, but for him it's an annoying passenger and not the driver of his life. He doesn't see his ND traits as excuses for why he can't or shouldn't do things, he sees them as interesting reasons why it's difficult for him, and then endeavours to do the thing that needs doing and does everything he can for his family. He chooses us.

Sadly it doesn't sound like that's the case for your fiancé.

OP - you are in a position now to decide exactly what you're worth and what you'll settle or stand for. Loving someone is great, loyalty to them is super, but being the last person in line in your own relationship is shit and I don't see joy for you in that future.

What are you getting from this relationship?

Your BF is having an emotional affair and you’re making excuses for him.

He’s not putting you first. He’s putting himself and his friend first.

It’s interesting you have such a handle on the drama triangle and codependency when it comes to your partner, but you haven’t seemed to spot that you are displaying quite codependent and saviour type behaviours yourself. The over-analysis, putting yourself into the role of emotional expert, understanding this situation almost as if it’s separate from you and you’re being dragged in, labelling your partner this way -

He's lovely, kind and caring and has codependent tendencies due to an abusive childhood. He's fairly emotionally illiterate despite having lots of therapy and sleep walks into unhealthy relationship patterns because he doesn't see warning signs.

If this is really true why are you with a man where you have to continually play the role of ‘emotionally healthy’ with a side dose of you understand him, what he’s doing (and have the solution).

Despite him having lots of therapy your belief is he is emotionally illiterate. So, why are you considering spending your life with him? Because if all you say is true, you’re signing yourself up to be his emotional regulator for life and to basically advise and set him standards for how to behave emotionally. That’s pretty codependent.

In short, youre absolutely part of the triangle (which can involve more than three). Not being dragged in, but am active part as you are swinging between victim, rescuer and persecutor.

Honestly, this is what counselling/therapy does. Instead of recognising that his behaviour is unacceptable, that you are unhappy, and that something has to change, you have spent so much time and energy analysing and 'understanding' his position.

Ultimately, you are considering tying yourself to a man who has demonstrated, repeatedly, that you will come second unless you kick up a fuss.

I love my husband. There is no way on this earth that I would analyse his behaviour if I thought he was having an affair, emotional or otherwise (and by the way, emotional affairs are just as bad a physical ones, if not worse).

@SnackyOnassis I have met plenty of people like him before. They feel because they have experienced hardships be it trauma or mental health that they are owed everything from everyone and owe nothing back in return. Only the op can be the person to advocate her needs to him, and it's up to her to assert which may mean having to chose her own mental well being over his if he isnt willing to consider her. I doubt he will even apologise for this and instead use the victim card.

You're putting up with way too much in this relationship.

It reminds me of a colleague I had at work who was ND. He was married but became obsessive about our friendship, really upset his wife over it, and contacted me constantly (I'm talking 1am, 3am in the morning, every night, after speaking to me at work all day every day). Then he said he wanted to leave his wife for me.

It started to scare me and I cut him off. Pretty sure he told his wife I fancied him and that he cut me off. He definitely used his ND as an excuse for some pretty strange behaviour to both of us.

I felt sorry for his wife at the time, who was making excuses for his behaviour and just seemed really confused.

You shouldn't be putting up with how he's acting - my advice would be to leave. Some relationships make you feel happier and more secure, some make you feel worse. It sounds like this one is the latter.

He’s lucky that he has someone as understanding as you, and who is so willing to put up with us appalling behaviour and selfishness because of his background/neurodiversity. None of which excuses his behaviour by the way.

You’re desperately unlucky for the same reasons. You deserve so much better than a man who’s repeated pattern of behaviours involves infatuations with other women.

Whose *

In my view you need to reflect on why it is okay for another person to stray so far and trample all over your own boundaries in terms of appropriateness, and embark on a very obvious emotional affair right before you, and you have with great passivity it seems to simply stand and observe, taking notes, as if you are not involved and do absolutely nothing?

You have detached entirely for some reason, protection? Fear? A knowing that you will not leave him regardless of what he does - because he is a 'good' man? 'Good men' do not have emotional affairs op.

He is either a pet project and one you are invested in - dr patient type of thing, or he is a life companion. What is he to you?

Just to say, I won't be alone when I say I would have stopped this in its tracks at the very beginning and expected my dh to understand that this can not and will not happen in our relationship or our relationship ends. There is no room for EAs

The fact you haven't stopped this or confronted the EA immediately speaks volumes.

Why not?

I see him as excited that he finally has a friend, and going a bit overboard, but do wonder about the OP wanting to marry someone who has no friends apart from this inappropriate friendship.

You definitely see yourself as a saviour, OP, and that is to do with your own lack of self-confidence. I think you should find a more equal partner in life.

Sorry @vampirelover but if you have no kids together, I would be running for the hills, as far away from this man as you can get. This is not going anywhere good anytime soon.

You seem to be putting tons of effort into understanding him and in understanding her, but you don't seem to understand yourself.

What you want is perfectly normal: a relationship with someone who puts you first. A relationship with someone who isn't having an emotional relationship with another woman.

Put yourself first. This is your life and you need to be with someone who loves you and wants what's best for you. His relationship with her is certainly not doing that.

The 'therapy speak' is interesting and useful, but it might be useful to strip it back to 'Plain English'. How would you explain the situation to a neutral third party? Just a thought.

The fact he has more time and energy for a woman who is not his wife, speaks volumes regardless of how kind you want to be toward him

You are not his priority, seemingly

and I don’t buy he doesn’t know it’s inappropriate because I doubt he’d want you investing so much time in another man

Mumsnet is better than therapy!

thank you all, I'm going to read everything again later after work and have a good think.

Puts me in mind of "spiritual bypassing" or in this case psychology-speak bypassing.

Thinking because you can put words around it and apply complex theories to it somehow it's ok or not harmful/hurtful.

I get it OP. I used to be awful for this (my mother is a narc, an abuser and a qualified clinical psychologist). She taught me how to speak and frame everything in psychological terms and of course my feelings, my raw emotions, were always locked in a box and removed from the discussion.

"Shadow work" is super important, uncomfortable and unpleasant but worth doing.

I will say I came close to marrying a man who kept enmeshing himself in other "friends" lives, male and female. I realised one day he simply would never put me first and as PP so succinctly pointed out, could not be depended upon to be there for me when I needed him - it all depended on who else had an "hour of need" at the same time! I simply wasn't as important to him as the random drama lamas he kept attracting. White knight syndrome indeed.

You don't have to settle for scraps under someone else's table.

You deserve someone who will always put you first and will listen to your pain and hold you safely and love on you. Men like that do exist.

Beautifully put.

You deserve to be held op, and loved deeply and without compromise.

Puts me in mind of "spiritual bypassing" or in this case psychology-speak bypassing.

Thinking because you can put words around it and apply complex theories to it somehow it's ok or not harmful/hurtful. That is so incredibly pertinent to what you are going through, Merlott has absolutely nailed it.

I agree!
I'm very grateful for all of your energy and input