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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i leave my husband?

55 replies

Brokenrose26 · 05/01/2023 02:18

I have been married for 4 year but been on and off with him for about 13 years. As the years have gone on especially when we got married and moved in together its got worse. He has a 6 year old son that lives with us and he stays at his mams 2 nights a week. My husband has adhd. Recently hes been worse than normal. He calls me names all the time, puts me down, critasize what i do. He tells me what i can and cant do. Who i can and cant talk to. I work full time on nights and he hasnt worked since we got married. He expects me to do all the house work, cook est.
And before it all got this bad i was doing everything for his son even when he was there. I also have to take him to school and pick him up everyday apart from when his mam picks him up. As he dosent like going to the school even after i have finished a 12 hour night shift i have to rush home to take him to school.

And the past few weeks he goes out all the time and leaves me on my own takes his son with him. So i am on my own all day. He has his tea at his mams all the time and gose to his mams or nannas for sunday dinner even when i am off work and he leaves me at home alone once again. As he said i dont make propper meals.
He has told me i am not alowed sex off him. As i didnt put enough effort in or give him it enough. I had my reasons. He told me the other night i can have sex but only with a condom on so i said yea he said coz he dosent want a kid with it being like this i said i dont want one anymore anyway. (I have struggled to concive had 2 miscarrages in the past.) Coz the condom broke twice he just desided to have a wank instead which i wasnt happy about. There is no affection either.

He says if i am nice to him he will be nice back to me.

Anyway i have been really down and depressed lately even over christmas and new year. I have been in constant moods and talking to him like shit and i just dont have the patients with his son my step son. I will just have a go or not bother with him. But when im alone i am ok until they come home.

He also controls my money i pay my bills then whatever is left he said i could have a £100 a month and he takes the rest because i just waist money. Anyway i have managed to get him to go halfs with the money now.

He has also got anger issuse as he can flip in a second and has threatened me before with a few things.

For a few weeks i have been looking at flats or cheap 2 bed houses to rent as i feel like i need to get out. I have no money at the min but i plan on saving as much as i can each month and putting it away in a cash tin which i put in my locker at work so he cant get his hands on it.

The problem is i dont know how much longer i can be there for i am constantly moody and argumentitve when hes home and his son drives me up the wall.
What do i do.

Atm i dont speak to any of my family but i think my dad would take me back but i would have nothing there and no where to sleep. And he lives in a different town to wear i work and i dont drive i use my bike to get to work. The council/ housing assosistion wouldnt help as i would be making myself homeless.

Can anyone give me some advice or tell me if i am in the wrong or if i should be feeling like this.

Thanks

OP posts:

JackieDaws · 05/01/2023 02:22

Chuck the twat out.

Pkgts · 05/01/2023 02:23

Why on earth are you with this waste of space? You haven't described a single positive and it sounds like there's financial and emotional abuse going on. Run for the hills

GoT1904 · 05/01/2023 02:30

So you're expected to work, clean, cook, parent his son, whilst he verbally and emotionally abuses you?

No.

Leave this shit head.

Whose house is it? If joint then you can apply for an occupation order so that you can keep it, on the grounds of abuse (which this is). Also a non-molestation order.

Could you contact woman's space?

Throwncrumbs · 05/01/2023 02:38

You have been with him 13 years and he has a 6 year old son with someone else… I would have been gone 6/7 years ago tbh!

OctobersDaughter · 05/01/2023 02:56

I also have ADHD and it is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I am sorry you are going through this. You really need to reassess your living situation, I really think you need to kick him out. You deserve far better and this is in fact abuse.

crazylady121 · 05/01/2023 03:23

This is abuse.Please leave this man.If you let this continue,it will only get worse.You are working and doing everything anyhow so what do you need him for.I'm sure you will get help if you are in an abusive relationship.Try getting in touch with local Womens refuge ,also go to GP and get support for depression.You can't carry on like this.value your worth,he's treating you like you don't matter and you do.

LarryStylinson · 05/01/2023 03:26

Contact Womens aid. He's a financially controlling emotionally abusive arsehole. You deserve better. Phone them in the morning and get out of there. They will help

Baleroo · 05/01/2023 03:46

This is so abusive, surely you can see it when you are writing this down. Kick him out, call the police. Or simply don't give him access to your money, watch how he leaves himself. Don't give in, you are a strong woman who is already supporting herself, he's the one you support, as in he takes your money. Stop allwoingbuim to take it, take back your control.

dolor · 05/01/2023 04:05

He sounds like a prize wanker.

Get rid.

Original poster

Brokenrose26 · 05/01/2023 05:29

I ment I have been on and off with him for 13 years we had a brake for a few year and he had his son in between

OP posts:

ilovelamp82 · 05/01/2023 05:36

Is it your house? Chuck him out. This is so abusive. It will never get better. Life is too short to live like this. As soon as he's gone, you'll notice that your depression and bad moods rapidly improves and you'll wonder why you put up with all this for so long.

You could contact Women's aid. But it sounds like you could contact your Dad and he would give you some moral support if not financial support to leave him. By the sounds of your situation, I'm sure he's been waiting for the day to recieve that call. Good luck.

Outtasteamandluck · 05/01/2023 05:59

Read that back @Brokenrose26

You deserve so much more. You know his behaviour is abusive.

You've made a plan, stick to it. The first step is to get out and then any other stuff after can be sorted out.

Do you own or rent with soon to be EX?

Original poster

Brokenrose26 · 05/01/2023 06:03

We rent from a housing association on a joint tenancy and he has already threatened to chuck me out he thinks coz he's got a son he can stay there even threatened me with phoning the social services on me for being horrible to his son.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 06:07

He doesn't have ADHD.

He is an abusive arsehole.

And you are stupid if you ever think this will get better.

Why are you with him?

Zanatdy · 05/01/2023 06:08

My God. Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? I don’t think I’ve read a post whereby the husband has been this bad, literally there’s no plus points for you remaining with him. Get rid. Have some time on your own then find yourself a nice guy to have children with if that’s what you want. Please don’t waste another day of your life with this waste of space.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2023 06:09

Agree with contacting women’s aid for advice. Speak to the housing association. Can you afford to rent privately if he remains in the house? Speak to them for advice

Whydoievenbother · 05/01/2023 06:10

Leave and don't look back!

kiwiiem · 05/01/2023 06:13

My heart absolutely breaks reading this for you, you sound so downtrodden by all of this. Especially because I don’t think you can truly even see how bad and irrational this is.

You earn all of the money, he doesn’t get to tell you how much of it you can keep, it was never his to begin with.

Before taking his thoughts or feelings into account, ask yourself, when the fuck has he ever done that for you?

Maybe women’s aid or a similar charity would help you sort your mind out more but I wouldn’t bother working on your marriage. People like this aren’t likely to change and you don’t want to waste your life being miserable for someone who isn’t even doing the bare minimum.

Rockingchai · 05/01/2023 06:52

See a solicitor. You could easily get an order evicting him from your joint tenancy on the basis that he is abusive.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 05/01/2023 07:11

Of course you should leave him OP, you clearly are doing everything on your own, start getting things in order, he sounds awful.

Original poster

Brokenrose26 · 05/01/2023 07:35

I am very aware of how bad he is, its just hard getting out of it thats all. I can afford to rent privatly but dont have any money saved for rent and bond up front or for furniture. Thsts why i was gunna stay till i had enought to leave. It is constantly on my mind 24/7 i struggle to fall asleep coz all i can think abou5 is getting out how im gunna do it. I was even concidering getting a loan out so i could leave quicker.

OP posts:

IhateJan22 · 05/01/2023 07:56

If you can afford it get the loan, all you need to in a property is a bed and microwave, build the rest up
over time or look to rent a room somewhere where bills and furniture are included until you get back on your feet. Whatever you do don’t continue how you are.

hopefully2019 · 05/01/2023 08:01

OP- I work in child protection within the Liverpool area. Chances of you being here are slim.

BUT
I can offer advise and services in your area, if you felt safe enough to tell us? This includes womens aid for DV. Don't forget, Domestic violence isn't just physical abuse. You need to get out. If you can leave safely with no issue, then do it, asap.
If you feel unsafe, let us know and we can support you.
You will be fine.
You are strong.
You're more much more than this.

hopefully2019 · 05/01/2023 08:03

PS...

If you're fleeing DV, the council have to house you. You are NOT making yourself homeless if you choose to leave, where DV is involved. Again, DV isn't just physical.

GarlicCrackers · 05/01/2023 08:06

Brokenrose26 · 05/01/2023 07:35

First, ask your dad if you can move back. If he says yes pack your things and go. Notify the HA you’ve left due to abuse.

Do you need some help? Are you north/south

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