Should i leave my husband?

[Brokenrose26]

I have been married for 4 year but been on and off with him for about 13 years. As the years have gone on especially when we got married and moved in together its got worse. He has a 6 year old son that lives with us and he stays at his mams 2 nights a week. My husband has adhd. Recently hes been worse than normal. He calls me names all the time, puts me down, critasize what i do. He tells me what i can and cant do. Who i can and cant talk to. I work full time on nights and he hasnt worked since we got married. He expects me to do all the house work, cook est.
And before it all got this bad i was doing everything for his son even when he was there. I also have to take him to school and pick him up everyday apart from when his mam picks him up. As he dosent like going to the school even after i have finished a 12 hour night shift i have to rush home to take him to school.

And the past few weeks he goes out all the time and leaves me on my own takes his son with him. So i am on my own all day. He has his tea at his mams all the time and gose to his mams or nannas for sunday dinner even when i am off work and he leaves me at home alone once again. As he said i dont make propper meals.
He has told me i am not alowed sex off him. As i didnt put enough effort in or give him it enough. I had my reasons. He told me the other night i can have sex but only with a condom on so i said yea he said coz he dosent want a kid with it being like this i said i dont want one anymore anyway. (I have struggled to concive had 2 miscarrages in the past.) Coz the condom broke twice he just desided to have a wank instead which i wasnt happy about. There is no affection either.

He says if i am nice to him he will be nice back to me.

Anyway i have been really down and depressed lately even over christmas and new year. I have been in constant moods and talking to him like shit and i just dont have the patients with his son my step son. I will just have a go or not bother with him. But when im alone i am ok until they come home.

He also controls my money i pay my bills then whatever is left he said i could have a £100 a month and he takes the rest because i just waist money. Anyway i have managed to get him to go halfs with the money now.

He has also got anger issuse as he can flip in a second and has threatened me before with a few things.

For a few weeks i have been looking at flats or cheap 2 bed houses to rent as i feel like i need to get out. I have no money at the min but i plan on saving as much as i can each month and putting it away in a cash tin which i put in my locker at work so he cant get his hands on it.

The problem is i dont know how much longer i can be there for i am constantly moody and argumentitve when hes home and his son drives me up the wall.
What do i do.

Atm i dont speak to any of my family but i think my dad would take me back but i would have nothing there and no where to sleep. And he lives in a different town to wear i work and i dont drive i use my bike to get to work. The council/ housing assosistion wouldnt help as i would be making myself homeless.

Can anyone give me some advice or tell me if i am in the wrong or if i should be feeling like this.

Thanks

Good luck with your plan to leave. As you are thinking about savings and loans, here's some info about credit unions aka community banks www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/credit-unions/

Why doesn't he work, is he disabled.

Of course you should leave op. OF COURSE you should. Do it today if at all possible, or at least get started today. That's fab that you can afford a flat to rent. I would rather lie on an airbed in a sleeping bag (£50 all in) and eat beans that spend another second being abused. Where is your wages going? If it's not in to your account in your name only, get that changed. Stay at your dads if need be. You will be so so much happier

Jesus what an arsehole he is. I’d be opening a new bank account and asking HR to put all of your wages into your new account, he would not be seeing a penny of my hard earned cash. Fuck that. Then leave.

LTB

Look at a room in a shared house or being a lodger.

Do your wages get paid into your own solo bank account? If not that change that first- you can still give him most of your wages whilst you arrange to escape.

OP- I feel like I really want to help you here.
I have a council official government email address and I'm happy to support you confidentially and safely.
You need to get out and we're all here for you.

I mean, I have a council official government email and I'm happy to give this to you, for some reassurance for yourself. Xx

I have nothing useful to add that hasn't already been said but I'm so angry on your behalf. How dare he treat you like this. So much abuse in many different forms.

I take it as you're the only one working you are therefore paying all the bills? I
OP use ALL the links above and see if you can get him out. If you can't for whatever reason you need to just leave. As PP said if you are fleeing abuse the council won't say you're making yourself homeless and they should help even if it's just a place in a women's hostel for a bit till you're back on your feet.

Whatever you do, find a way out. You won't believe how amazing you feel once you've got rid of all this shit out of your life x

Get away from him! This is no life. This isn't how a relationship should be. You're a grown woman, you can move on with your life. I feel so sorry for his son. No escape for him.

OP, this is abuse.
Can you speak to someone at the housing association to ask about either getting him out or finding somewhere else for you to live ?

OP, are you okay?

Keep us updated hope you leave soon

That isn’t adhd that is full on abuse in every nature. You need to escape and leave immediately when it is safe to do so and fast.

please please please get out!!

you deserve so much more.

You are being horribly abused OP. Do not give the bullying waste of space cocklodger one more penny so that you can save like mad and get out of there.

The longer you stay = the more money he will take from you.
He’s controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. What if you get pregnant accidentally? ( he doesn’t seem to be very adept with condoms)
Contact Women’s Aid asap. www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/
They will help you and as soon as you are away from him you can save money. They may be able to negotiate with a HA, Council or even a private landlord for your deposit to be arranged via the Council Housing Department (I have done this in the past as a landlord, taken a tenant without their deposit, it is guaranteed by the local Housing Department)

Hi just an update i have got myself a flat i get the keys next wedensday. I have been packing stuff up and hiding it where he wont look.

Just need some advice on my bills. I am currently the only named person on the gas and electric so can just tell them im moving house. Will i need to tell them he will still be there? As i dont want to be paying for what hes using. Also both names are on the water bill and comes out of my bank. what do i do about that? I am stressing about it coz i dont want him to find out and once im out the house i dont want to speak to him again
Any help would be appricated.

The day you leave phone them up and say you are moving to X address and the name of the knee tenant is Y

Agree , his behaviour is nothing to do with ADHD . It’s abuse .

Good luck, and cancel the direct debit through your bank as well.

So please don’t say he has adhd and in the next sentence he is worse than usual .

Is the place you share with him in your name or his and is it housing association , council, owned, private rented ? If it’s your tenancy he needs to move .

Also as you are being abused you aren’t making yourself intentionally homeless . Fleeing abuse means you should get support .

CBA reading past the first few lines. Suffice to say I despair of the absolute scrotes some women put up with. It's like feminism and women's rights never existed. Get some fucking self respect

You are making all the moves to get out of your situation op. Keep going!