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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cocaine addiction

67 replies

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 13:53

My partner has had a cocaine addiction for the last year and I think I'm at my breaking point

His mum (who he was very close to) died unexpectedly and very quickly last year - it was really traumatic for everyone involved and since then he's bottled up his feelings (unless he has a drink but that's a different story).

He's taken to taking cocaine, by himself at home, until 4/5am several nights a week. I've tried everything to support him - tough love, being there to talk through anything, but it's like he's stuck - he will have a drink and relive her dying and say the same things over and over. With the cocaine, he lies to cover it up, lies about money. He went to AA for a little bit as he only does it when he drinks but that only lasted a few weeks.

Last night again, we were speaking, and he was quick to anger and acting a bit odd so I went into see him (was walking past) and he had picked up and was already high. Tried to deny it then said he was planning on tell me. I left and he said he wouldn't do any more he was embarrassed, but when I came over a few hours later he was off his face. He said he thought it was fine as I was staying over, therefore he wouldn't stay up all night doing it

What can I do? Can I help him? It's been a year and I'm ending up so hurt by all the lies, how much he's potentially hurting himself and all the arguement due to secrecy and lying about it... I know if he doesn't want to stop he won't but he says he does he says he's massively cut down but also promised me from new year that was it he would stop, he lasted 2 days. I feel like a walkover but I also don't want to give up on him

OP posts:

OatFox · 04/01/2023 13:55

You can't help him. He's grieving and needs therapy to help regulate his emotions. If he's not willing to do this to help himself and commit to sobriety, there's no helping him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/01/2023 13:58

I know you should stand by relationships and be there for the people you love, but with substance abuse I would say get out before you get seriously hurt. This will only get better when he is the one who wants it too, and he doesn't sound like he is in that place. How long have you been together?

Newwardrobe · 04/01/2023 13:58

You can't help him, so help yourself and leave him to it or else be prepared for a really shit time.

pjani · 04/01/2023 13:59

Do you have children together? That would be the only pause for thought (though still think you should leave). Leave but keep the door open if you still love him. Say you’d love to hear from him when he’s clean.

He should be able to talk at length about his sobriety if he is sober. All the new feelings, bodily sensations, experiences in therapy, how he is newly spending his time. If he says he is clean but still is basically the same he’s probably still using (caveat: I have no idea if this is true, but I read it in a post on a similar thread and thought it was useful advice).

ghjklo · 04/01/2023 14:00

coke addicts are not generally nice people to be around. i would get out of this.

Original poster

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 14:03

We've been together over two years. So most of the relationship has been me navigating how to help him through this (he hid it from me completely for 6 months). No children no, but he wants them. No chance from me unless he stops this.

He needs help that I'm just not qualified to give and has spoken to therapists on and off (when he joined AA he did but then when he started drinking again he stopped as he was embarrassed to admit to them he had)

He keeps saying he can fix this himself given time, I feel in such limbo because I don't want to give up on him but also it's (selfishly) affecting me so much, I feel like I can't trust him.

OP posts:

Prettypaisleyslippers · 04/01/2023 14:04

It sounds like he might have PTSD, would he go to a GP?

Coke will make him more anxious not less….

Mortimermay · 04/01/2023 14:08

I understand why he's focused on trying to get help for his drug use but has he tried accessing grief therapy? It sounds as though it might be an idea for him to try working on that first, if there are underlying issues relating to his mum's death. Some grief therapists won't work with people within the first few months to give people time to naturally process it but this has been long enough now that it sounds as though some extra help would be beneficial. There should be some local services/charities that will offer this type of support.

Lampzade · 04/01/2023 14:10

I would leave

Original poster

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 14:10

I realise how selfish that last message sounded - it's not about me and I know that. But it's starting to really affect me, any plans we make together in the evening are suddenly centred around him taking cocaine and not telling me so I'm always on edge or checking for signs he's high, or him openly wanting to find cocaine and spending hours of the evening trying to get it.

Any night he's not with me I'm worrying that he's taking it. I sometimes think I just need to let him get on with it if he's only hurting himself but i don't want children and a future with an addict..

OP posts:

chipswitheveryting · 04/01/2023 14:11

Honestly op, you're flogging a dead horse here. You'll suffer massively if you stay. Leave him to it, he needs to hit rock bottom and he won't do that while you're being supportive accepting and understandable

ImBlueDab · 04/01/2023 14:14

You can't control him or his actions, you can only control how you react to this.

Tbh you've been propping him up for the entire relationship. If he can sort it himself, tell him to contact you when he's clean and has seen someone about his grief.

Start to put yourself first

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 14:17

You need to get support for yourself. His behaviour is obviously unacceptable and you need to find a way of getting through this yourself.

NewtoHolland · 04/01/2023 14:19

Speak to alanon they are amazing ♥️

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2023 14:21

The only person who can decide that he wants help and to stick with it is him and he does not want your help or support nor to stick with it. He thinks he can fix his own self; he's wrong. You are not at all qualified to help him anyway but at least you acknowledge that point.

There is a fine line between support and enabling and any enabling you do for him only gives you a false sense of control. Read about the sunken costs fallacy and codependency and see how much of this reflects in your own behaviour with regards to him.

Save your own self and now. All this man is further now doing is dragging you down with him.

HermioneWeasley · 04/01/2023 14:22

It’s not your job to fix him. You’ve offered a load of support very early into the relationship. 2 years is not that long. Get out. You are not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

wheredyaparklouissss · 04/01/2023 14:25

You can't help someone like this. They can only hep themselves and it only ever happens either when they hit rock bottom and have to, or they realise they want to. There is literally no other way.

Kick him out. He will either sink or swim.

Lkydfju · 04/01/2023 14:25

Someone on here said to me about addiction;
You didn’t cause it
you can’t cure it
you can’t control it

I often think of this and it reminded me that I was powerless until the other person was ready to change. He may want to change it and stop but not be ready and not be able to. You don’t have to stay to watch him and wait when he may never change. You aren’t selfish for wanting a life that isn’t dominated by his addiction.

Thoughtful2355 · 04/01/2023 14:29

Sorry but Addicts often cant quit just because someone else is being affected by it. He has to want to change himself and get the help. Its really got nothing to do with you and you cant change it SO with that being said its then up to you how you invite it into your life, either you stick by and support him even if he stays an Addict OR you leave and move on and hope he helps himself.

Original poster

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 14:30

I just think that if I was struggling I'd hope that he'd stand by me and do anything - in fact I know he would do that. He's so kind and caring. But deep down I know I'd be trying other methods to help myself, I've struggled with some serious mental health issues in the past (which is how I think of his addiction) and made changes to my life to try and fix it myself - CBT / psychiatrists / even just joining a gym. He thinks pure will power can get him through it and it's good for a week and then he slips back.

He said how he's not done it in over a week, but seemed to forget that's because I've spent every single night with him in that week. I feel like his crutch and all our arguments are related to this.

It just feels like such a waste to walk away - maybe that's the sunken cost fallacy that someone mentioned earlier. But I'm so sad all the time now.

OP posts:

wheredyaparklouissss · 04/01/2023 14:32

It's not a waste to walk away. it would be a waste to stay.

Feetupteashot · 04/01/2023 14:32

Time to leave op. Signpost him to narcotics anon or similar. You cannot make him change, he needs to want to

SaturdayGiraffe · 04/01/2023 14:35

You say you don't want to be selfish and it's not about you. I think you need to be more selfish, not less. You're right, it's not about you, it's him and you can't do anything other than protect yourself.
Plenty of people lose loved ones in sudden and traumatic ways, and don't respond like this.

Original poster

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 14:44

Has anyone ever come out the other side of this successfully? I'm clutching at straws but maybe it is time to walk away. I'm heartbroken, he's been the best partner I've ever had and we have so much in common and want the same things. But I am enabling him, and it's always a promise of it will get better but nothing changes long term. He is doing it less than he used to but I don't know if my cold turkey expectation is unreasonable and there will always be a ramp down.

OP posts:

NeverGonnaNot · 04/01/2023 14:46

I don’t think you can help him.

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