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Original poster

Cocaine addiction

67 replies

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 13:53

My partner has had a cocaine addiction for the last year and I think I'm at my breaking point

His mum (who he was very close to) died unexpectedly and very quickly last year - it was really traumatic for everyone involved and since then he's bottled up his feelings (unless he has a drink but that's a different story).

He's taken to taking cocaine, by himself at home, until 4/5am several nights a week. I've tried everything to support him - tough love, being there to talk through anything, but it's like he's stuck - he will have a drink and relive her dying and say the same things over and over. With the cocaine, he lies to cover it up, lies about money. He went to AA for a little bit as he only does it when he drinks but that only lasted a few weeks.

Last night again, we were speaking, and he was quick to anger and acting a bit odd so I went into see him (was walking past) and he had picked up and was already high. Tried to deny it then said he was planning on tell me. I left and he said he wouldn't do any more he was embarrassed, but when I came over a few hours later he was off his face. He said he thought it was fine as I was staying over, therefore he wouldn't stay up all night doing it

What can I do? Can I help him? It's been a year and I'm ending up so hurt by all the lies, how much he's potentially hurting himself and all the arguement due to secrecy and lying about it... I know if he doesn't want to stop he won't but he says he does he says he's massively cut down but also promised me from new year that was it he would stop, he lasted 2 days. I feel like a walkover but I also don't want to give up on him

OP posts:

Yepme · 05/01/2023 00:38

From a very different perspective my daughter is with her original first love who is now a recovering cocaine addict . He is a really lovely guy and as a family we are supporting both of them . We will continue to support him for as long as it takes for him to be fully recovered. Over Christmas we ignored alcohol because he finds alcohol a trigger and just had fun with lots of food and games . Also a big dose of honest conversations really help .

dolor · 05/01/2023 00:44

Coke is the absolute devil and I'd be off, if I were you. It's got such a high relapse rate, and he is not someone you should have any children with.

I've been in your position, and it got violent and led to me doing a Clare's Law request. I was right to, he is a monster.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2023 06:34

If he wants to stop he needs to go to the GP, let them know he’s struggling to cope with his grief. If he gets a handle on his grief then hopefully the rest will follow. Whether you want to stick around for that is entirely your choice. But you’re 100% right not to have a family with this man. If that’s what he wants in his future then he has to realise that he needs to take control of getting help for the grief, alcohol and drug problem

Zanatdy · 05/01/2023 06:35

Yepme · 05/01/2023 00:38

Well done in supporting him, I’m sure he appreciates you having a dry Christmas to support him. There’s too many people in the U.K. who think you need a drink to have a good time. You really don’t, you can have a lot of fun without alcohol

ExofanAddict · 05/01/2023 06:47

@YepMe was your daughter with him whilst he was in addiction and through his recovery?

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 05/01/2023 14:42

In fairness, all the cocaine addicts I've ever known have been lovely people.

I'm for the decriminalisation and even legalisation of some drugs. But not cocaine. I must have seen people snort their way through tens of thousands of pounds, all while desperately keen to stop but unable to because the lure was too powerful. It's a horrible substance.

And the worst thing is, it doesn't even make you feel that great in the first place

glasshole · 05/01/2023 14:45

Ex cocaine addict here.

You can't help him. All you are doing by hanging around is tying yourself to a ticking time bomb on a very precarious boat that could sink at any time.

The best thing you can do is to leave him. He needs to hot rock bottom before HE CHOOSES to get help. Even then, stay away from him. He needs to fight his own battles and get clean and learn healthy coping mechanisms. And none of these things can really be done while in a relationship.

Coyoacan · 05/01/2023 15:25

I'm so glad you broke up with him.

I had a minor addiction to alcohol and a severe addiction to tobacco and the only person who was able to persuade me to give them up was myself.

And coke, in my experience, makes people violent and paranoid, so it is one of the nastier addictions.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 16:39

I feel like a walkover but I also don't want to give up on him
Unfortunately, your only choices are 1) be a walkover or 2) give up.

He is already lying to you.
He drinks, he is quick to anger, he is already quite seriously dysfunctional if he;s staying up til 4am several nights a week.

You wouldn't be giving up on him. You'd be giving up on his addiction, & preserving yourself.

He keeps saying he can fix this himself given time.
Why are you hanging around, hoping to fix him yourself?
He's given up on AA, his consumption is out of control, & you spend all your time with him watching him for signs of intoxication of watching him spend hours tracking down more, & all the hours away from him worrying about his addiction.

I realise how selfish that last message sounded - it's not about me and I know that.
Er - no, it did not. And this IS about you.
It's about your life & how much of it you want to throw away, clucking after a junkie who refuses to help himself.
Have another read of what you wrote, & tell me what is SELFISH about it?
I feel in such limbo because I don't want to give up on him but also it's (selfishly) affecting me so much, I feel like I can't trust him.
You ARE in limbo.
It IS affecting you.
You CANNOT trust him.

What is selfish about having clear insight about that?
Do you think it's your job to heal wounded men who won't look after themselves? To keep forgiving a man who lies to you, who spends probably hundreds a week on coke & booze, who cannot focus on you when you are together because all he is thinking about is his next fix?

What is stopping you from walking away?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 16:42

sadandconfused23 · 04/01/2023 22:55

Thank you everyone for your replies. I ended things tonight. He's told me I'm selfish and giving up on him and I'll regret it. I guess that's how he'll get over it but right now it just hurts and I feel like the worst person. I wanted it to all be okay.

OMG - this is sad, but good news OP.

He is out of order calling you selfish. Just shows how entitled & selfish HE is, doesn't it? "I'm doing jackshit about my problem which distresses you so badly, but expect you to suck it up."

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 05/01/2023 17:15

Addicts are inherently selfish as all they are capable of caring about is their next hit. Whether that is alcohol, weed or cocaine. They dont care about the impact it has on others.

Alcohol abusers dont care about their behaviour when drunk..

Weed smokers dont care about how the smell effects half the neighbourhood & is very dangerous to young minds (especially men)

And cocaine users dont care that their desperation to get another hit overrides their ability to live a decent life.

Never, ever get into a relationship with someone who abused alcohol or drugs. Well done you for breaking away, you are not selfish. It isnt your job to fix him

Flounder2022 · 05/01/2023 18:27

You have done the right thing. I left after 4 years and to be honest I stayed too long. But at least that meant when I did leave I did so knowing I had done all I could and I never doubted or second guessed my decision.

When I left (well told him to leave) he said of he knew how bad it was for me he'd have changed!!

Almost 4 years later and nothing has changed. He too always maintained he could do it himself. He couldnt. He can't. Few can. Losing me, his marriage, his home, a changed relationship with his son, none of it was enough to help him change.

At times I felt selfish, yes. But I wasn't. Looking after yourself is not selfish. There is only so much you can give to someone else before you start to lose yourself.

If you have no ties to him I suggest blocking him and going total no contact.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 05/01/2023 20:03

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 05/01/2023 17:15

Addicts are inherently selfish as all they are capable of caring about is their next hit. Whether that is alcohol, weed or cocaine. They dont care about the impact it has on others.

Alcohol abusers dont care about their behaviour when drunk..

Weed smokers dont care about how the smell effects half the neighbourhood & is very dangerous to young minds (especially men)

And cocaine users dont care that their desperation to get another hit overrides their ability to live a decent life.

Never, ever get into a relationship with someone who abused alcohol or drugs. Well done you for breaking away, you are not selfish. It isnt your job to fix him

That's some dank weed to be stinking half a neighbourhood!

Bertha21 · 05/01/2023 21:58

I walked away from someone years ago because of cocaine. I was fully aware he chose drugs over me. I was heartbroken but he was hurting me more. With lies, anger and erratic behaviour.
Years later he apologised. It sounded like he hit rock bottom and had to go through rehab. His life spiralled badly in a complete different direction to mine. It took him over 15 years from when I walked to when he started to turn his life around. It hurts but you need to choose you. Only he can help himself.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 06/01/2023 12:07

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 05/01/2023 20:03

That's some dank weed to be stinking half a neighbourhood!

Show quote history

Exactly! Weed smokers dont realise how far that awful stench does travel. It permeates through walls and outside is wafted along on the breeze. My neighbour is half a dozen doors down, but I can smell it when they smoke it. Utter selfishness!

Addicts are so selfish, they cant stop to consider the impact their behaviour has on those around them because using the illegal drugs is more important.

Cantbesure · 11/05/2023 06:59

How are things now @sadandconfused23 i have found this thread very useful after my (now ex) DP’s behaviour due to his addiction became intolerable. Like you he had spiralled after a parental death. I’m still struggling to come to terms with things but after supporting him thru recovery to be treated so cruelly in favour of coke and booze, I know it’s for the best. He’s lost his job and car. Has had to move back in with his remaining parent. It’s quite frightening how powerful this addiction is.

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 07:25

My ex was a Coke addict and alcoholic. He was a horrible person.... violent and emotionally abusive! They can do no wrong and even now he can't admit he did anything wrong in the relationship(we co parent so I have to speak to him) apparently it was me who made his life a living hell! Get out as it won't get better and you will end up thinking you're going mad!

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