Cocaine addiction

[sadandconfused23]

My partner has had a cocaine addiction for the last year and I think I'm at my breaking point

His mum (who he was very close to) died unexpectedly and very quickly last year - it was really traumatic for everyone involved and since then he's bottled up his feelings (unless he has a drink but that's a different story).

He's taken to taking cocaine, by himself at home, until 4/5am several nights a week. I've tried everything to support him - tough love, being there to talk through anything, but it's like he's stuck - he will have a drink and relive her dying and say the same things over and over. With the cocaine, he lies to cover it up, lies about money. He went to AA for a little bit as he only does it when he drinks but that only lasted a few weeks.

Last night again, we were speaking, and he was quick to anger and acting a bit odd so I went into see him (was walking past) and he had picked up and was already high. Tried to deny it then said he was planning on tell me. I left and he said he wouldn't do any more he was embarrassed, but when I came over a few hours later he was off his face. He said he thought it was fine as I was staying over, therefore he wouldn't stay up all night doing it

What can I do? Can I help him? It's been a year and I'm ending up so hurt by all the lies, how much he's potentially hurting himself and all the arguement due to secrecy and lying about it... I know if he doesn't want to stop he won't but he says he does  he says he's massively cut down but also promised me from new year that was it he would stop, he lasted 2 days. I feel like a walkover but I also don't want to give up on him

I speak from personal experience - you can’t help him. He almost definitely won’t stop. Leave him and move on. Don’t look back. Don’t waste your life.

In my experience unless gives it up completely he'll always be on the look out for it.

I've got friends who were into it socially but gave up once kids came along but their dh's will always sneak away and everyone knows what they are up to.

It's tragic really. I wish you all the best but please think about what you want from your future.

if I was struggling I'd hope that he'd stand by me and do anything - in fact I know he would do that.

no he wouldn’t.

You are struggling and he’s not helping you . He isn’t quitting cocaine and he won’t quit. He cannot put your feelings before his because he is an addict.

i have come out the other side successfully by leaving a Coke head (who is still a Coke head, 8 years later) and getting on with my life. Now happily married with children with a normal, non-addict who is capable of a functional and healthy relationship. You’re current bf cannot provide you with this.

They have and it was via one of the methods I mentioned. that catalyst for change is a necessity I'm afraid. You sitting there being okay with it will have zero effect. It may seem harsh to end it but even the threat could be what he needs. But doing nothing? Well, do nothing, get nothing.

I worked in treatment. And yes, of course people come out the other side. But NVER because their partner was really nice and stuck by them. Never, not once.

Sometimes because people they loved left they eventually sought help when they got their rock bottom. Sometimes they wanted it for themselves. Sometimes they had a heath scare. But never because of a partner.

Your enabling is stealing his consequences. He can fool himself he has a functional life. He doesn't. Don't take his rock bottom from him.

Gosh this is sad. You sound very supportive but you can't carry on like this while he does nothing to sort himself out. There is loads of help available but you can't drag the horse to water- he has to want it, really want it, himself.

I think you should - kindly - tell him what you've said here. His addiction is making you sad all the time, you realise that you can't make him stop, but you also can't carry on like this. So you need to split up. You hope very much that he will get the help he obviously needs to deal with his addiction and his grief. DO NOT get into any negotiations around "can we get back together if I stay off it for a month/6 months". That's likely to result in him lying again later. He needs to get clean because he wants to be clean for himself, not for you.

He may do it, he may not. If he does then perhaps you will get back together. But don't make any promises now.

And I second what @MrsTerryPratchett says. He needs to feel the consequences.

I read just the other day an article written by AA Gill's son about his alcoholism. There was a line in it that was something like "people talk about rock bottom as though it is a specific event, but for me rock bottom became a residency I inhabited, every day, until I couldn't any longer."

People living with addiction are masters of self-delusion, often enabled by their loved ones doing everything they can to prop them up. Your DP needs to have to face the consequences of his choices.

I stopped. I was very very low a few years ago and got into a really bad habit of doing cocaine by myself. It removed my emotions, so I was able to cope with what was happening to me at that time. Without it I felt like I would drown in my own emotions and sadness. I was doing this twice a week, which doesn't seem like a lot but that's a £400 per month habit that I couldn't afford.

A few years down the line and I am 7 months clean. The big issue with cocaine is that it kind of rewires your brain, so after a while every time I had a drink I began to crave cocaine and my want for that overrode anything else going on. I couldn't really afford it so started taking money from credit cards to pay for it.

I was able to stop as I realised I needed to rewire my brain back, and the only way to do that was to change the pattern and stop completely. Prior to that I had cut down a lot from where I was. I can't speak for your boyfriend but I wanted to stop as it wasn't the life I wanted at all. He CAN do it, but he needs to take some steps into understanding why he is now an addict and to admit that to himself.

DO NOT get into any negotiations around "can we get back together if I stay off it for a month/6 months".

YES! Recovering addicts should be very careful about entering relationships in recovery. Leave it at least a year and not get into the same (enabling) one.

Doesn't sound selfish at all. I've had addiction issues in the past and sometimes people just don't want help and its a case of waiting to see whether they will realise themselves they need it. He is lucky to have had your support and if its affecting you then you need to put you first, whether you love him or not. If he seeks help down the line, he will understand why you had to leave him. Never think you're selfish, you've already been selfless enough.

This is a waste of time for you
What on earth do you get from this

Yes. But it involved walking away / leaving him to it for 4 months, him being 100 times worse when I reconnected with him, the lies, disappearing with dealers, coke ‘friends’, him being a no show, constantly letting me down, going to his rock bottom with him when he had a warning, final warning, sleeping all day, lost his job, couldn’t pay his mortgage - I paid it and tried to help - having NO IDEA how bad he had got whilst we were apart. A family member finally cottoned on TF and put him on house arrest for a month.
He was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD and put on strong antidepressants.
A year on it’s still not easy, but I couldn’t be as strong as posters are suggesting and didn’t want to be apart.
But he did (finally) hit rock bottom and it has been really hard. I’m not sure where we would be now if I had stayed away and not witnessed all of the above; the debt, the addiction, what was really going on. I suspect you don’t know the half of it like I didn’t - thinking I did.
Good luck, it’s not easy but only you can decide if you can help.

Just to add, the lying is a total mind bend. I still find it very difficult to ‘trust’ him when he pops out or home etc. You will always be on your guard.

sorry also neglected to say he is sober 14 months !

Thank you everyone for your replies. I ended things tonight. He's told me I'm selfish and giving up on him and I'll regret it. I guess that's how he'll get over it but right now it just hurts and I feel like the worst person. I wanted it to all be okay.

Oh bless you @sadandconfused23. You aren't selfish, he is. He can do something to make both your lives better and he won't. You have to protect yourself and I'm so glad you have, although I can only guess how hard it must be.

You've only been with him two years. I would get out now.

You have done the right thing. You need to live your life free of the confusion and head fuckery of his addiction. And, as you know, by enabling him he’s less likely to ever change. He will probably say all sorts to try and get you back / make you question your decision.

I never thought I’d get over the person I walked away from. I still remember the day I made the decision and ended things. I got home and just sat inside my front door crying for what felt like hours, I couldn’t physically move. But I stood firm and have never looked back. Honestly, I dread to think the tattered state my life would be in had I let myself be sucked down with him.

You have done the right thing. Love yourself enough to stand firm.

I put up with it for 5 years. The lies, the debts. The broken promises. The trust was gone. I left for my own sanity and health. I had high blood pressure as I was so stressed. The week I left it went back to normal and that was 20 years ago. It’s never been high since. Best thing I ever did. I met someone normal and married and had children.

You've done the right thing and his response to your decision shows that.

Well done. As hard as it is, you have made the right decision.

As other posters have said, he won't change unless he wants to no matter how much support you give him.

I know from ongoing bitter experience how coke ruined my STBXH's life and the ripple effect it has on other people.

Stay strong.

Please don’t let him guilt trip you. As someone previously said you need to be selfish for you. I spent three years of my life trying to help an addict and I ended up in such a horrible mental state. He needs to hit rock bottom and sometimes that means losing everything. But you need to look after you.

Good boundaries look like selfishness to addicts.

Sorry, it stings.

Cocaine is incredibly addictive. It's hell to quit.

It gets more enticing about two weeks after the last time you took it and that feeling lasts for about six weeks or more. And alcohol sets off cravings instantly.

It kills all your dopamine so the only time you feel ok is just after a line but that wears off before you can get the next one up your beak. Cocaine is all about chasing a high.

You cannot help someone who is in this cycle. I promise you, there is nothing you could or should have done differently. They have to have a huge amount of willpower to get through it and will most likely have to go teetotal for a long while. You've done the right thing in walking away.

Ending this disaster is the smartest thing you have ever done. Please, please don't make the mistake of taking him back. He is not your problem to fix, and I doubt he will ever get his shit together.

Block him in every way possible. Move forward never look back.