Are we both as bad as each other?

[Isthistherealthing]

Have had a huge row with DH that has bought things to a head.

Bit of background first:

I work PT and DH works FT. We have DS who attends nursery when I’m at work and DC in school.

Cleaning is outsourced but I do everything else in the house, for the DC and all the ‘mental load’ stuff. DH contributes to the morning and evening routine with the kids. I should add however that I get up much earlier every morning and get the ball rolling with the DC plus once a week take delivery of the online food shop before 8am and put it all away whilst DH stays in bed.

Occasionally he will cook (simple things that go in the oven mainly), load and unload the dishwasher, take DCs to school and nursery (maybe once or twice a week) and does generally put the bins out. But I definitely do these things far more often.

Things have come to a head after Christmas as I’ve been ill and feel exhausted. I find December particularly stressful as there is so much to do. I purchased 90% of the gifts and wrapped them all, planned the food, ordered the turkey, wrote all the Christmas cards etc etc. Not to mention all the things involved with DC at school and nursery at this time of year - school Christmas fair, dress down days, nativity plays and so on. All extra work.

DH and DC caught flu just before Christmas, and me a few days later. DH took to his bed for nearly 4 days and I was less than sympathetic. The low point was washing a bucket he’d coughed mucus in to so I could use it to mop the kitchen floor (cleaner cancelled - great timing!)

I then felt extremely ill for Christmas but didn’t take to my bed, tried to stay upright and be helpful where I could. Admittedly, I didn’t cook Christmas lunch but I did help clear up albeit very slowly and tried to share in the DC’s excitement of the day but really did feel like death on legs.

We had one guest staying with us and he was a huge help in the kitchen and with the kids.

Shortly after Christmas, we had a huge row about tidying up toys. As part of this row, DH told me I’d done “fuck all” for the past 5 days and that me “putting my feet up doesn’t work”. By doesn’t work I presume he meant he had to go to the shops, buy food and cook it. These comments made me see red, I went ballistic and was f’ing and blinding, sorting through toys by throwing them to the floor and generally crashing around so he pushed me to the floor and I pretended I was going to punch him, throw things at him etc.

I don’t know what to do and just can’t get past the fact that someone can take umbrage with the fact they had to do some domestic tasks when usually all those tasks fall to me, not to mention all the other stuff I do.

I don’t feel like I’m in a team, I feel like I do the lion’s share, get fed up and grumpy, explode and then repeat.

DH has now started filming my rants (I am prone to verbal outbursts aimed at him and say some pretty vile things) as he believes they are proof I am a narcissistic and abusive partner.

Thoughts on how I should move forward as my head is a mess and I’m so exhausted from it all. Am I abusive, are we both as bad as each other? I just don’t know anymore.

It does sound like you’re both not in a good place. I had to resort to filming my ex when he was making horrible rants at me as it was the only way I could stop it. It was absolutely terrifying for me. I think once that happens the trust is lost. I can see you are feeling put upon, and you’re both at your limit. Have you discussed counselling?

No one should be being physical. You being prone to 'vile' verbal rants is also horrific.
Your poor children.
He sounds lazy not getting up in the mornings, but if you're part time surely that's so you take on more of the household/DC/organising stuff, you have a cleaner so neither of you is doing that.
The whole things sounds toxic

I think your relationship is done, is toxic and you should split up.

You're throwing things, he's getting physical with you - it's FUBAR.

It doesn't matter who is worse or who started it - the grown up thing to do is finish it.

Your kids deserve better than to grow up in this.

It sounds toxic, and you sound very frustrated. You need to separate. Kids should not be growing up in that.

Agree this sounds like a toxic environment, it sounds like he’s definitely out of order complaining as he’s had to do more. But you’re definitely out of order if he’s filming your rants as they are so bad. Where are the children when these go on? Please don’t say within earshot. As the child in a situation like this let me tell you that it never leaves you. I’m 46 now and arguing still triggers me, takes me back to being 6/7yrs old hearing my mum going ballistic at my dad and things being thrown around. Please end this relationship as it’s not fair on those around you now

At this stage it doesn’t really matter who’s “fault”’it is. You need to divorce and then you can each sort your own selves at.

he js def taking the piss in terms of what he does though

I should add we run a business so when I say I’m PT, I’m not really as I still have to work but just fit it around DC eg evenings. Also there is always work to do on it so there’s no switching off as such and me being PT just means focusing solely on work during those hours rather than juggling it alongside everything else.

You're in an unhealthy relationship and neither of you come out of this looking good.
There are children in the middle of this who don't need to see their parents behaving in this way.

I think you both need to calm the fuck down

life with kids is hard
life is hard !
but to be getting this angry and stressed over day to day stuff is not ideal or healthy

sounds like you both need a break a time out and some rest

and if your not rested , take a day when the kids go to school
get some air and calm your senses a bit

if the marriage is making you lose your shit this much you need to try and get some help
I’ve also lost it , no judgement
but it’s no way to live

Do you do all the admin while he does a trade? I bet you work actually basically the same overall hours as him.

you need to get your own I dependent job and he can get someone else to do the admin or actually do his own work for himself.

you need to end it op. There is a better life for you.

Also the “rants” are me venting my frustration at his lack of weight pulling which often involve me sobbing as he maintains on these videos that I’m lying, mentally unstable and “here she goes again”. It is done in such a way that the DCs think it’s funny.

Your kids are really, really not finding it funny.

It’s quite common for abusers to goad people then video them.

it is appalling this is in front of your children.

he’s abusive. The situation is toxic. You need to get out.

You certainly aren't bringing out the best in each other, what are the positives?

It doesn't matter who is worse or who started it - the grown up thing to do is finish it.

I disagree. You are both stressed. He's been ill and is recovering, you've been ill and are recovering. Your communication doesn't seem great. The grown up thing to do is to set aside some calm time, talk about how things are, what might help you to support each other, and your dc. Maybe with the help of a counsellor.

It's a bit more serious than that - he pushed her to the ground, she was throwing things. When it gets physical in a relationship, it's way past chatting it over.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse or violence.

And he's getting the kids to laugh at her crying and angry.

That's way way past a bit of couple's counselling.

Oops, I missed some of that.

Yes, agree, that cunselling is not right.

Seems to me like he is goading you until you explode, and then filming the resulting fireball.

Christ I grew up in a house like yours op it leaves children with trauma believe me!

Yes I know I shouldn’t take the bait, but it’s when he’s maintaining that he does do his fair share and that I’m crazy and hormonal that just gets me.

Agree with @Edinburghmusing and advise you to be very, very careful. Abusive men, especially “successful” ones often try to use reverses tactics (like filming you) to “prove” their victims are abusive and even to try and prevent shared custody, or to terrorize women with that threat.

Zero judgement, but try really hard not to succumb to giving him the opportunity to do this. When you feel pushed to it, try and think about your children and what it could mean if he uses your behaviour against you.

Discreetly read Lundy Bancroft book Why does He Do That? (can be downloaded on kindle app) and make a plan. Do everything you can do de-escalate your own behaviour, especially in front of your children. If this is his problem (and his recent Christmas rant sounds pretty spot on for it) try to distance your own behavior from it as far as in humanly possible.

There are support organisations to contact which are worth calling and might also help you hold onto your sanity. Im really sorry you’re going through this.

Apparently he also has photos of the kitchen not having been cleared away when he was bathing the kids and thought I was cleaning up. I’m still trying to fathom why that warrants photos and what he’s going to do with them!

Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️ Before we worked together, his career involved winning arguments and harsh negotiations so I do believe this is one of his key skills and may well be used against me in the future if I’m not careful. I will absolutely try my very best to keep a lid on it from now on.

He is sounding more and more unpleasant.