Are we both as bad as each other?

[Isthistherealthing]

Have had a huge row with DH that has bought things to a head.

Bit of background first:

I work PT and DH works FT. We have DS who attends nursery when I’m at work and DC in school.

Cleaning is outsourced but I do everything else in the house, for the DC and all the ‘mental load’ stuff. DH contributes to the morning and evening routine with the kids. I should add however that I get up much earlier every morning and get the ball rolling with the DC plus once a week take delivery of the online food shop before 8am and put it all away whilst DH stays in bed.

Occasionally he will cook (simple things that go in the oven mainly), load and unload the dishwasher, take DCs to school and nursery (maybe once or twice a week) and does generally put the bins out. But I definitely do these things far more often.

Things have come to a head after Christmas as I’ve been ill and feel exhausted. I find December particularly stressful as there is so much to do. I purchased 90% of the gifts and wrapped them all, planned the food, ordered the turkey, wrote all the Christmas cards etc etc. Not to mention all the things involved with DC at school and nursery at this time of year - school Christmas fair, dress down days, nativity plays and so on. All extra work.

DH and DC caught flu just before Christmas, and me a few days later. DH took to his bed for nearly 4 days and I was less than sympathetic. The low point was washing a bucket he’d coughed mucus in to so I could use it to mop the kitchen floor (cleaner cancelled - great timing!)

I then felt extremely ill for Christmas but didn’t take to my bed, tried to stay upright and be helpful where I could. Admittedly, I didn’t cook Christmas lunch but I did help clear up albeit very slowly and tried to share in the DC’s excitement of the day but really did feel like death on legs.

We had one guest staying with us and he was a huge help in the kitchen and with the kids.

Shortly after Christmas, we had a huge row about tidying up toys. As part of this row, DH told me I’d done “fuck all” for the past 5 days and that me “putting my feet up doesn’t work”. By doesn’t work I presume he meant he had to go to the shops, buy food and cook it. These comments made me see red, I went ballistic and was f’ing and blinding, sorting through toys by throwing them to the floor and generally crashing around so he pushed me to the floor and I pretended I was going to punch him, throw things at him etc.

I don’t know what to do and just can’t get past the fact that someone can take umbrage with the fact they had to do some domestic tasks when usually all those tasks fall to me, not to mention all the other stuff I do.

I don’t feel like I’m in a team, I feel like I do the lion’s share, get fed up and grumpy, explode and then repeat.

DH has now started filming my rants (I am prone to verbal outbursts aimed at him and say some pretty vile things) as he believes they are proof I am a narcissistic and abusive partner.

Thoughts on how I should move forward as my head is a mess and I’m so exhausted from it all. Am I abusive, are we both as bad as each other? I just don’t know anymore.

And if she hadn't have done that? What then? No turkey.

You're easily annoyed.

Doesn't matter which of you is worse, you're both awful - maybe individually you're not, but you're bringing out the worst in each other for sure. Your poor children.

You need to divorce him, and then both of you need to try and rediscover your basic decency so you can effectively co-parent your kids, who will already be traumatised by living through all this.

Are you an angry, hot-headed person in general or is it just with him? Are your children safe with you, assuming he is out of the equation?

I’ve never known anyone cough up that much for that long when they only have flu, but OK. He should still deal with the bucket himself though.
I didn’t say it was divorceable, just disgusting.

@Watchkeys

This really resonates.

I was abused as a child - both physically and emotionally by my mother. We would all be walking around on eggshells waiting to see how she would react to anything that came her way. She was extremely controlling and would tell me exactly what to do, wear, how to speak, bully me relentlessly, punch me, kick me and generally behave in a vile manner. I grew up in and around almost constant anger and I feel like it’s become my default way of expressing how awful I’m feeling.

OP that's so sad, I'm sorry your childhood was so cruel. It sounds like your husband is cruel too and he enjoys your distress. I think previous posters are right and you need to make plans to leave.

If you can understand why you behave the way you do, does it help you to forgive yourself?
It's time now to parent that screaming child inside in a way that she's never had the good luck to be parented before: kindly to her. What does she want? How can you give it to her? She needs you to take care of her, and that involves keeping her away from people and situations that upset her.

OP
reading what you said about your mum explains so much and gives me so much more compassion

I’m so sorry she was like that
and that’s going to inevitably drive your behaviours and reactions

be very kind to yourself

As Watchkeys said , you might want to re look at that child you were and parallels x

Agree with PPs who're saying he sounds abusive. Goading you until you explode, then filming you and mocking you in front of your kids - that's treating you with utter contempt. Ignore the posters saying you sound as bad as each other. It's hard for outsiders to understand this dynamic if they have not experienced it themselves.

But you do have to tread very carefully here; don't allow him to collect more ammunition to create a narrative of you being irrational, hormonal, hysterical etc.

I was in a similar situation once and went to my GP and got prescribed antidepressants, which worked a treat as a temporary crutch. I wasn't depressed, but SSRIs work great for anxiety as well. Would you consider trying this?

I also got a diazepam prescription for absolute emergencies. GPs can be reluctant to prescribe these as can be quite addictive. But mine was a godsend. I took perhaps ten pills over the course of the worst two years, and this helped me keep my calm in situations where I would otherwise have exploded in front of everyone.

I would tell the GP some of what you've written here - about the goading, mocking and filming. Perhaps put it in writing to them. If your husband later tried to use his recordings against you (eg in case of custody proceedings), you will have your own paper trail to show you are dealing with the effects of his abusive behaviour.

Agree with the suggestion to read the Bancroft book. You can also get in touch with woman's aid or or your local domestic abuse organisation. Don't believe for a second they'll dismiss you. The filming and mocking you to your kids is horrendous. By doing this he is abusing not just you but your kids as well.

If you do decide to divorce him, I highly recommend this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Divorcing-Narcissist-lure-loss-law/dp/191630236X?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=a596e980-4842-4d81-bc9e-33d575e1dd46

I'm not saying he necessarily is a narcissist, but the book is an extremely helpful tool for anyone dealing with the legal practicalities of divorcing a controlling, calculating and abusive man.