Someone you loved turning their back on you, still no answers, I am struggling

[brokemheart]

I was in a happy relationship, we had everything really, both had nice homes and we lived at his place, happy with our jobs, good friends, shared interests and had so much fun. I honestly thought I had found ‘my person.’ When I was pregnant, he was overjoyed. I always saw him as a sensitive man with good values and decency. It was what made me fall in love with him, I thought he was a wonderful person.

As the weeks went by he began saying things like he was feeling stressed about being a dad and how he could still progress at work etc. Obviously four months into the pregnancy my mind was on the baby and looking back I didn’t provide him with much or any reassurance… I was irritated really that he wasn’t fully into it despite having been hugely keen on the idea of being a dad in the lead up to me getting pregnant. When we broke up he refused to talk about the birth or beyond and after I moved out I received a letter, at 7.5 months pregnant saying he didn’t accept he was the father, so he wanted to put me on notice that any maintenance claim would be disputed, and that he did not want to hear any more from me about the end of the pregnancy or when the baby was born. I have never felt so shocked and hurt and lost in my life and I remember sitting on the floor for hours after reading it just sobbing in confusion. I went through the birth alone and put in a maintenance claim at three months, at which point he started looking at photos of our daughter on social media (I have since blocked his access to it as I found it upsetting he looked at her and still made no contact). I thought perhaps he had met someone but according to a mutual friend he’s very much single and ‘flying high’ at work, whatever that means.

I don’t know what I’m asking really, I just have moments where I think fucking hell but we were so happy? I don’t even know how this happened? I really loved the man, I had a holiday booked for his 40th which is in March and i feel so shit reading the email confirmations that just came through…I am a fool. I have so many questions with no answers. I feel like he lied about who he was throughout our relationship, I just cannot understand how anyone could be so horribly cruel. Has anyone experienced something like this and managed to move on with their life? I just want to be me again and I think I got lost in how absurd this experience was.

He's a complete deadbeat and you'll both be better without him in your life. I know it hurts, but it won't hurt forever. So sorry op.

He’d have been a terrible dad, so you dodged a bullet. Make sure to chase for the maintenance. He knows he’s the biological father.

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats but we were together nearly three years and I thought he was decent, at least I never ever thought he would turn his back on his own child. It doesn’t make sense to me? I really loved him so much

@PrinceHaz yes he already put me through that when I claimed so a dna test was done

Echoing the previous 2 posters. And one other thing: be kinder to yourself. You’re not a fool. You’ve been through an incredibly shocking and distressing experience and it’s going to take time to get over this. But ultimately you’ll be glad he’s no longer in your lives because clearly - when the going gets serious - he’s an utter prick.

@PrinceHaz i still don’t know why he wanted a test. Our baby was conceived on a holiday we were on, one I had planned a a surprise for our anniversary. I just don’t get it. He must have been unsure to have pursued a test but god knows why? And I have no answers because he won’t tell me why or where all this came from

@Dery thanks. I cope ok generally and have rebuilt my life. But I have moments where I just think how? How and why? I’ve never had an explanation as to why he wanted a test and ive never had an apology when the test was done. I also have no idea why he hasn’t seen his daughter. I just want to understand how someone I loved so much could be so cold to me. I don’t understand

It’s natural to wonder why but also pointless. There are no good reasons for what he did. It’s easy to appear to have good values and be decent when not much is being asked of you and when you’re just going on lovely holidays with your girlfriend. Quite another thing when you’re contemplating the serious work of parenthood. He clearly has no backbone. You will get over him. Enjoy your little one!

Op, I'm so sorry. He is just scum and I'm so sorry that he did this to you. Definitely get maintenance and in time you will realise that he did you a massive favour by letting you know who he is really is.

@Dery thats true I hadn’t thought of it like that. I guess he’d just had me adoring him and said the right thing. Couldn’t manage it in reality. I feel so sad when i think about it

@Nowthatlovehasperished yes he’s paying, he made us do the dna.. no explanation as to why he wanted the test and no apology after it was done. Nobody has ever come close to hurting me like that and I still can’t believe I went through birth alone. He never even asked if I and his daughter were ok

You must be devastated, but you are better off without him as he isn't who he pretended to be.

I know someone who’s done this twice, I don’t think it would ever be possible to work out why they do it (and why the 2nd woman who already knew he’s done it thought he wouldn’t do it to her).

@Neverwrestlewithapiginthemud im so cut up about it because I truly loved him and for him to have even contemplated a dna test was so confusing, he couldn’t even give me the courtesy of eating why he wanted it. No apology either after it was done, I feel like he used me for the good times and just spat me out like I was nothing

He is a hollow individual who has an inability to truly be a whole, functional and loving adult. He acted the part just fine when it was fun but reality hit and his hollow internal self showed itself.

The person you ‘knew’ wasn’t real. Maybe a facsimile of who he’d like to be if he wasn’t a damaged and cruel man.

Im so sorry you had this experience but you do have a wonderful daughter and you will do a fabulous job of parenting her. He is the loser. Never blame yourself for the actions of another person.

In time you’ll think about him and this situation less. Ensure he has no way of contacting you and if he does I suggest you make it as difficult and awkward as humanly possible. Keep (locked away) all messages from him which demonstrate his personality.

Live well and never look back.x

I can relate, if you tried to talk to him about it he’s probably turn it round to somehow being your fault for bearing a grudge. You have to do your best to move on for you and your little one.

I’m so sorry. I think a previous poster has it right though - ideas and words are easy enough. Reality set in and he decided what mattered to him most in the world was to progress his career and he decided you and his child would stand in the way of that. So he acted accordingly. It’s extremely selfish and he’s probably been so shitty to try and protect himself from his guilt. The asking for a DNA test was also probably to protect his self image, putting doubts into his own mind whether the child was his.

Essentially he’s made his choice and it’s quite a shocking one. I can totally understand how hurtful and bewildering that is - seems incredible that people can just blank their own flesh and blood. But some can. Really sorry.

@ButterflyOil thanks for posting. It helps to just have a place to let out my pain. My friends have been great but months on I don’t feel I can pour my heart out anymore. But I still have down days and days where I honestly feel like it didn’t actually happen, it’s such a strange feeling. I truly believed he loved me.

@ButterflyOil and yes, how can you see photos of your child and not want to meet them? Incomprehensible

No problem, I really feel for you. I can understand that you feel like sometimes you can’t really keep going over the pain with friends - but to be fair this sort of issue is not exactly time limited.

My co parent has never been great and it has been painful over the the years trying to understand why someone won’t or can’t make an effort for their child.

Im many years forward - son is a teen now. I won’t say it’s been a walk in the park but he is happy and settled and doing amazingly well in his life. We’re very close and he’s a lovely teen, just a joy really. So no regrets for me. It’s sad he doesn’t have two really engaged parents but one present loving parent can be all they really need.

You will be ok and heal in time. And it’s ok if that takes a while, you’ve been deeply betrayed and let down by someone you trusted. It changes you as a person - but it can also give you an incredible strength.

Would you consider some therapy perhaps if you thought it would help? I found it really helpful to deal with trauma and betrayal and my anger and hurt from it.

Sending lots of well wishes to you and if you ever want to sound off or vent feel free to PM me.

Do his family have any contact with your daughter? If so, can they help you understand why he made the decisions he did? He's treated you so appallingly and you're certainly better off without him, but that doesn't make it any easier does it.

i still don’t know why he wanted a test.
Just another insult, and in the hopes of creating a narrative about you being in the wrong.

As PPs have said, it’s easy to play the good guy when he’s enjoying an easy life with a loving partner. This hollow, empathy-free man would always have dumped you at the first obstacle.

You and DD are so much better off without him.

Asking for a DNA doesn't mean he thought the baby wasn't his it's him lashing out because he wants you both out of his life. He probably hoped you wouldn't apply for CM if he denied paternity, that you'd quietly disappear and he wouldn't have to face what he's done.

The why is that this is who he actually is, a person who's willing to walk away completely from his child, you saw the mask before, words are easy, reality is harder to deal with. Stbxh didn't walk away from our DC, but he went from being this great, supportive nice guy, for 15 years, to being emotionally abusive. There's some cognitive dissonance in these situations, you're so used to thinking of him one way and they're so good at showing that mask to the world and so good at convincing you everything's your fault and because to accept who they really are, you have to accept that the person you thought they were, the person you loved never really existed. That the father you thought you gave your DC never really existed and they have a sorry excuse for a father instead.

I know from stbxh actions that he's is not a good person, but it's so hard to accept that emotionally, I spent 15 years thinking he was this great person that I was so lucky to have, 15 years. I keep thinking we could have had this great life together, I was so in love, I was willing to settle for crumbs and he wasn't even willing to give me those. It's the same story behind most abusive relationships and dead beat Dads, they're so good at pretending to their partner and the world that they're this great person until they get what they want or until they decide they're done with you or the going gets too tough, then the real person comes out.

What a pathetic individual.

please tell me you get an amazing amount of maintenance from his high flying career?

all you know is that he was deceitful and living a lie with you?

was it once he found out the sex of the baby?

I agree he most probably didn't doubt the paternity and just wanted you to go away quietly.
He just didn't want to be tied down with a baby and responsibilities.
He changed his mind.
When the reality hit he decided he wants you to disappear so he can keep living the life he wants to live.
A life dedicated to himself and his comfort only.
He just a selfish arsehole, don't waste your tears on him.

Thanks for the responses @Hummingbird88 @LunaAndHerMoonDragons @Ofcourseshecan @Quitelikeit @Thepossibility

i struggle thinking about how he ruined the lead up to birth, a time that should have been special. I hate that I was so alone and struggle to talk to friends/watch tv with birth scenes as I feel that happy experience was taken from me. The fact he’s gone on to basically pretend his daughter doesn’t exist is just too horrific for me to really contemplate.

the poster who asked about how much maintenance, it’s come out at around 500, so he must have manipulated his finances as he earns well over 80k. On all fronts he has basically been awful to me and despite our break up I can’t believe he could be so cruel, we shared happy times in the past and have a child, surely the right thing to to do is co parent amicably. I feel so bewildered by it all