Someone you loved turning their back on you, still no answers, I am struggling

[brokemheart]

I was in a happy relationship, we had everything really, both had nice homes and we lived at his place, happy with our jobs, good friends, shared interests and had so much fun. I honestly thought I had found ‘my person.’ When I was pregnant, he was overjoyed. I always saw him as a sensitive man with good values and decency. It was what made me fall in love with him, I thought he was a wonderful person.

As the weeks went by he began saying things like he was feeling stressed about being a dad and how he could still progress at work etc. Obviously four months into the pregnancy my mind was on the baby and looking back I didn’t provide him with much or any reassurance… I was irritated really that he wasn’t fully into it despite having been hugely keen on the idea of being a dad in the lead up to me getting pregnant. When we broke up he refused to talk about the birth or beyond and after I moved out I received a letter, at 7.5 months pregnant saying he didn’t accept he was the father, so he wanted to put me on notice that any maintenance claim would be disputed, and that he did not want to hear any more from me about the end of the pregnancy or when the baby was born. I have never felt so shocked and hurt and lost in my life and I remember sitting on the floor for hours after reading it just sobbing in confusion. I went through the birth alone and put in a maintenance claim at three months, at which point he started looking at photos of our daughter on social media (I have since blocked his access to it as I found it upsetting he looked at her and still made no contact). I thought perhaps he had met someone but according to a mutual friend he’s very much single and ‘flying high’ at work, whatever that means.

I don’t know what I’m asking really, I just have moments where I think fucking hell but we were so happy? I don’t even know how this happened? I really loved the man, I had a holiday booked for his 40th which is in March and i feel so shit reading the email confirmations that just came through…I am a fool. I have so many questions with no answers. I feel like he lied about who he was throughout our relationship, I just cannot understand how anyone could be so horribly cruel. Has anyone experienced something like this and managed to move on with their life? I just want to be me again and I think I got lost in how absurd this experience was.

@Quitelikeit a car accident, so out of the blue. He wasn’t in the car but they all went to see her in hospital then she died the next day. Dad is ok, very very formal, quiet and extremely difficult to chat to. He always said he wanted to be a father as it was the most amazing thing in life.. these commend go round my head and I can’t comprehend why he’s done what he’s done. I just want to understand as I despise him for what he’s done but find it so extend that it’s almost beyond being nasty if that makes any sense? It’s almost crazy behaviour. I don’t know, I find it all so hard mentally to move on from as it’s not as simple as a clear cut reason why someone abandons you in this way.

Have you considered talking to his father?

I promise you they do and I have been in your shoes lovely. It’s still a long process but I promise you will heal and see him for who he really is. You will always carry your scar but please don’t feel that life is over, one day you will meet someone who will happily accept your daughter as his own and treat you will unconditional love whereas he will go through life with nothing but a deep emptiness inside himself.

He has seen the photos because he’s a heartless bastard and narcs/emotional abusers do not feel empathy and love as we do. However my ex was adamant he wouldn’t have anything to do with us and I also gave birth alone but he changed his tune and now asks how he is regularly. He still won’t agree to scheduled contact because he’s doing everything behind her back but now I can honestly see him for who he is and I pity him.

You are still in the new baby stage though which feels like such a blur of tiredness and your hormones are still everywhere. The best thing to do at the moment is seek out a good counsellor who will help you make sense of things and try if you have help from family fo have at least abit of time to yourself (even if it’s an hour to sleep!) and make sure your eating well. Once again I’m so sorry lovely, I wish you nothing but healing xx

@Lulabellax thanks for responding. Did you ever get an answer from yours as to why he wasn’t at the birth? How soon did he start wanting to see your dc? I applied for maintenance which seemed to have sparked him looking at her photos then obviously had to do the test but not heard a thing since. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to see her it’s just so sad. I will look into some therapy today xxx

We were not in contact at the time he was born due to the stress he caused me during the third trimester although I told him I was being induced. So he admitted afterwards he was in Tenerife 🤦🏻‍♀️absolute clown.

So he called me 3 weeks after his birth after I’d sent a letter with some photos to say he wanted a relationship. It wasn’t until he was 10 weeks old that he asked to meet him and when he does see him he is very affectionate which is even more confusing.

The maintenance probably did have something to do with it and the dna test just sounds like he was trying to bully you into not applying, it’s common and says more about him than you. My ex also demanded one and got aggressive when I went to the cms but now pays regularly please stick with them.

Like the other posters have said it really does sound like something has gone wrong during his childhood and he doesn't understand how a decent parent should behave and has become very emotionally detached and damaged. Its not an excuse at all but it really does take someone cruel to behave in such an appalling way. In my situation, I later found out from his ex that he’d been raised by his grandparents and not his parents something he’d never admitted to me which explains a lot.

So glad your going to look into therapy lovely ,because you are a new mum you will be a priority. Also check with your HV as there is usually post partum mental health services in addition to having counselling with your local nhs service x

Something certainly went wrong in his childhood.

maybe This is to do with his cold father? Maybe he had a rough time with his father showing love and affection towards him. The teen years are v important for development

could He have met someone else? An ex who he had loved but had dumped him but got back in touch?

OP, is it possible that by his not having fathered a child by his late 30s, he may have thought that he could not father a child? His friends may have even suggested a DNA to confirm that it was his.

Please don't be confused by his having looked at pictures and yet not wanting to meet the child.. Men leave children with whom they have lived and move on without ever seeing them again.

He may have looked at the pictures hoping to see something of himself. He may never have wanted a child and believed himself to be sterile He quite possibly thought that he could not impregnate you, so he could safely say that he wanted a child.

You are never really going to know the answers, and it is pointless to spend time trying to solve the mystery of him. He is just another man who has no interest in being a parent.

As long as you waste time trying to figure him out, you will not move forward fully.

sorry for your situation op.
how long have you known him before you got pregnant?
did you agree together to have a child before you got prenant?

@Mari9999 i don’t know as he always seemed genuinely keen to have a family, he spoke of it often. I guess I am making more of the photo thing than I should. Just find it really shocking, I can’t make sense of it at all. I know I need to let it go, just finding it so hard, I have no real closure.

@bluebell34567 yes we had talked about a family and he said he was excited about it. It was only a few months in that he became distant with me and started talking about his career more … despite already being at the top of the ladder professionally. I wish I understood the continued nastiness. Even if he saw dc once a month you know?

Would you really wish your dd to get to know a father who could toss her aside so easily? He’s an absolute idiot, and I do empathise with your feelings, ultimately you are better off without him in your life. Just keep an eye on his career as once he earns more he should pay more

I'm not a therapist but it sounds like his mother's sudden, horrible death (and his father's inability to process/discuss/engage with it) is likely to be playing a significant role here. It could be that your ex wanted to be a dad - but when it came to it his brain just shut down as it triggered the unresolved trauma.
Interestingly my ex also lost one of his parents in tragic circumstances. If you don't get support and help at the time to help process the overwhelming emotions I do think they can resurface at a later date eg the birth of your first child.

You're never going to understand because he's done something you couldn't ever do and there really isn't any way he can justify what he's done.

My mother abandoned us, she was out primary carer, got almost full custody of us in the divorce, a year later shortly after my 7th birthday she left, there were occasional birthday presents and phonecalls we could never rely on happening, but by the time I was 10 she was completely gone from our lives It's Incomprehensible to me, even more so since having children, but there are parents who can and do walk away without a second thought.