Someone you loved turning their back on you, still no answers, I am struggling

[brokemheart]

I was in a happy relationship, we had everything really, both had nice homes and we lived at his place, happy with our jobs, good friends, shared interests and had so much fun. I honestly thought I had found ‘my person.’ When I was pregnant, he was overjoyed. I always saw him as a sensitive man with good values and decency. It was what made me fall in love with him, I thought he was a wonderful person.

As the weeks went by he began saying things like he was feeling stressed about being a dad and how he could still progress at work etc. Obviously four months into the pregnancy my mind was on the baby and looking back I didn’t provide him with much or any reassurance… I was irritated really that he wasn’t fully into it despite having been hugely keen on the idea of being a dad in the lead up to me getting pregnant. When we broke up he refused to talk about the birth or beyond and after I moved out I received a letter, at 7.5 months pregnant saying he didn’t accept he was the father, so he wanted to put me on notice that any maintenance claim would be disputed, and that he did not want to hear any more from me about the end of the pregnancy or when the baby was born. I have never felt so shocked and hurt and lost in my life and I remember sitting on the floor for hours after reading it just sobbing in confusion. I went through the birth alone and put in a maintenance claim at three months, at which point he started looking at photos of our daughter on social media (I have since blocked his access to it as I found it upsetting he looked at her and still made no contact). I thought perhaps he had met someone but according to a mutual friend he’s very much single and ‘flying high’ at work, whatever that means.

I don’t know what I’m asking really, I just have moments where I think fucking hell but we were so happy? I don’t even know how this happened? I really loved the man, I had a holiday booked for his 40th which is in March and i feel so shit reading the email confirmations that just came through…I am a fool. I have so many questions with no answers. I feel like he lied about who he was throughout our relationship, I just cannot understand how anyone could be so horribly cruel. Has anyone experienced something like this and managed to move on with their life? I just want to be me again and I think I got lost in how absurd this experience was.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons you are spot on! 18 years before my ExH slipped the mask, though looking back there were times I should have spotted his abusive behaviour.
OP it won’t feel like this at the minute, but you are well shot. At least you haven’t wasted any more precious years with this arsehole.

The paternity test was his way of clutching at straws, even thought he knew deep down the baby was it, he was secretly hoping you’d had a lusty night with a local lothario and that would get him off the hook. Maybe he’d had his head turned by another woman and had been hoping to offload you, or maybe he’s just a shitty human being. You deserve better, for you and your baby.

Gosh this is a really shocking story. I’m not at all surprised you are still reeling OP.

Did you have joint or mutual friends who have shed any light? Does he have family who do wish to have a relationship with your child? Sister/parents etc.

I appreciate the comments that he’s just a git who ran away when reality set in but surely after three years OP knew him? And even if he was a bit more of a flake than he let on to just walk away from a pregnant partner, deny paternity and not have any contact at all with your own child is surely outrageous and shocking behaviour let alone from someone who had previously appeared to be a good partner and excited about fatherhood. It just seems so extreme.

Seems like you might not get answers OP but I can totally understand how traumatised you feel. Can you access counselling at all?

What an absolute piece of work he was OP. The shock of it all and his disregard must have been horrendous to go through. Sounds like you are doing so well to rebuild your life and be a good parent to your baby. Maybe you'll get some insight into why, but maybe you won't. He didn't have the courage to step up as a parent and rather than admit it, he turned it on you. Not your fault at all. I hope you won't give up hope there are good, responsible men out there!

He had the DNA test done because he wanted to say to friends and family that he broke up with you because you were seeing someone else. So a DNA test needed to be done as he 'believed' it wasn't likely his. Now he will be saying that it turns out it's his and they will be sorry for him as he is 'doing the decent thing' by you even though you were 'playing the field'.

This.

He just wanted to add a veneer of credibility to his story.

I know it doesn’t seem like it when you’re in the thick of it, but one day you will be glad to be rid of him. He’s no sort of man. What a waste of skin.

I probably wouldnt try to get in touch with any of his family.. In fact I'd advise against it. They've created this monstrous selfish man with no backbone, morals or empathy.

@antipodeancanary @Puppers i hadn’t even thought of that. Gosh his friends must think I am awful. Makes me so upset as I have never cheated on anyone ever.

@Rabbitsandhabits i know that’s why I feel so confused, it’s like he became a different person.

How can he have seen photos of her and then just gone about his day as if he’s not a dad?

What @Dery said.
Also you and your baby are better off on your own, he isn't the person you thought he was x

You have had the most horrendous shock and betrayal due to his behavior and then for him to insist on a DNA test, implying that you weren’t faithful is the lowest of the low. There really isn’t an explanation for such shitty and cowardly behavior, not to even acknowledge you both and apologize. Don’t search for answers because it will drive you mad. Just know that he totally deceived you and is not capable of being a fully functioning mature adult. I am sure the pain is indescribable, but in the long run having him out of your daughter’s life from the start will be a blessing as he will have no influence and cannot continue to emotionally manipulate you. Thank God you have your own property. Don’t let this damaged man make you lose faith in humanity or lose hope for the future.

I have been happily married over 20 years and my husband would be beyond horrified to hear of this behavior, and has always been very responsible and loving with our 3 kids.

There are still lovely men out there. Don’t let his behavior ruin your life. The best response is to go on to live a full and happy life with your gorgeous child

Everything happens for a reason, you wasn't meant to settle for second best, you are destined for better things and one day you will look back and see I know I went through an awful lot, but this is what it was all for, because I deserved a wonderful life and now I have it. X

@HeathcliffsCathy @allboysherebutme thank you. I think part of my sadness is that I don’t think I will ever find a true relationship now. Not with a baby and my age. I had always hoped for a happy marriage one day and that seems out of the question too.

He asked for a DNA test because he's building a narrative to justify his disgusting behaviour. It's not about you Op its about him - he sounds like a weak and selfish person. Please try not to own his bullshit, don't second guess your decisions or integrity, don't torture yourself trying to assess his behaviour with logic or your own morality - his behaviour isn't about morality or logic its about justification of self centred decisions that very deep down he knows are unjustifiable.

You will get through this.

@jambalover I hate that he will have said this to his friends, it really upsets me. I’m not like that at all, I can’t believe he would even have done it

So sorry this happened. Don't give up you will find happiness without him. You didn't deserve this or cause it - and you will find love again I'm sure.
Just out of interest - what was your ex's childhood like? Was he abandoned? My ex was unfaithful when my daughter was born- and when I found out he promptly left the country. It was only later that I learnt that his parents left him as a baby - and I wondered if there is a connection.

I agree.

Plus, he'll be able to justify not having contact with his daughter because this would mean he'd have to see and deal with you - which, due to your 'betrayal', would be far too 'painful' for him.

There may be some clues in his own family - what was his upbringing like? Where was his father? Did they have a good relationship?

id say doing what he did may well be rooted in his belief system due to something that happened to him as a child or something he witnessed perhaps

did you find out the sex before he left?

Hi OP

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I have been there, I know how no words I can say could make you feel better about how utterly shocking and scary it is as a new Mum dealing with all this pain when you should be enjoying your pregnancy and new baby.

With my experience my ex of two years who was also a high flyer in his career and who seemed utterly in love with me actually turned out to be an abusive, cheating narcissist with a double life which explained why he so callously dumped me and showed his true colours once I fell pregnant. I know how painful it is, I found out when our son was just a few weeks old that he’d ran back to an ex and got engaged whilst I was pregnant in the space of a few weeks! I think I lost about a stone from the utter shock that someone who I loved so much could be capable of that.

It’s been a year and I still feel shocked however I can absolutely promise you it gets easier. Please seek counselling for the trauma and look into doing the freedom programme. I haven’t read all your posts but he also sounds like a narc and a vile coward so learning about these personality types and how they are miserable empty souls will also help you navigate any future attempts of hoovering.

It’s really important you surround yourself with Mum friends OP and have your family there to give you the occasional break and offload. I never thought I’d get over it but I’m slowly getting there and seeing your beautiful little one grow up with give you so much strength. I wish I could give you a hug x

@brokemheart no one knows what he said and did with friends and family. I am very surprised after 3 years that it sounds like no one got in touch with you and congratulated you on the baby and wanted to keep in touch from his family. If he can deceive you so throughly other people may have heard a very different narrative from him, none of us know. I wouldn’t drive yourself mad over comments from strangers speculating on the internet. None of us know what he has said to anyone else.

You don’t have control over any of that. What you do have control over is you and your daughter’s lives. Have you spoken to a therapist or similar neutral third party? They may give you a sounding board to work through your own emotions, I’m sure with your pregnancy, birth and a newborn you haven’t really had a chance to process such a recent event. Have you got support from your own family and friends? What are their thoughts?

I also want to add that he tried to bully me with dna testing when I went to the CMS but has now changed his tune and attempts to see our son behind his new wife’s back.

You will get to a stage where you’ll pity them for being so repulsive and find strength you didn’t know you had!

So sorry to hear this OP. He is the one who will
ultimately miss out on being part of his daughter’s life . I agree the DNA testing is just a smokescreen to hope you will go away and not claim maintenance. I wouldn’t worry what his friends think they may even have encouraged him to walk away and persue his career . His family may not even know he is a father and could be very disappointed in his behaviour. It’s hard but you may never find out why he changed . My ex husband left us for my friend and was so cruel but has never explained or apologised. It’s hard but you will move on and have the bonus of your beautiful daughter whereas the guilt will eventually come back to haunt him.

@Lulabellax wow I’m so sorry you’ve experienced similar, it’s so awful isn’t it? It helps to read that things can feel better. I am still in shock when I think about it. I will look up narc traits, though that’s such an odd concept to me because I really really thought he was decent to the core so it’s hard to see him in a different way. I want him to suffer the way I have, and I hate feeling like that, I don’t want to hate anyone. How can he see photos of her and still not see her?

@Quitelikeit he lost his mum as a teen, he would never talk about it other than to say he cried most weeks about it still (he’s forty now). This is what it is strange, he seemed such a sensitive person. How can someone still cry about that so many years later but be so cold about his own child? Having no answers to such behaviour is so hard. Even after everything I just want to give him a hug and say let’s do right by our daughter and co parent amicably. That makes me incredibly pathetic doesn’t it. I just can’t bear such awful nastiness, I think it’s so so sad when our girl is in the middle of it.

@brokemheart my mum died when I was 13. Loss of this kind doesn’t excuse bad behavior but it may mean he wasn’t parented well after losing his mother and may prefer to be very detached. I am not sure how the thought of being a father and in a committed relationship caused him to behave the way he did but he may be very immature in certain ways and be fearful that he is inadequate and not up to the task. Who knows? A common thread I find when men abandon their relationships and responsibilities like this, whatever their background or family history, is to rewrite the past history of your time together to justify their own behavior, I have seen this many times. Maybe, because the mother is left literally holding the a baby it’s much easier for them to quickly create a whole new narrative.

I think that is significant. It can’t have been easy losing your mother at that age.

how did she die? Was there a genetic explanation- could he think he never wants to leave a child without a parent (ironic)

who raised him afterwards? Where is his father?