Ex partner has got someone pregnant

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I'm looking some advice as I'm not sure how to go about things with him now.

I was with this man for 20 years from a teen until my late 30s now. There was what i would say emotional abuse going on and i only really noticed what it was when we had our children who are 4 & 5. I began to pull away without realising and just with the stress of having 2 kids one after another we became distant. He says i didnt show him enough respect or affection, i wasnt giving him enough sex, when i spoke to other men by just saying hello he would give all sorts of accusations or the silent treatment until he was ready to have a go at me. He says i didnt try hard enough basically (but i was) i just couldnt meet all his demands and with bring a mum with 2 young kids i was stressed and lost myself after battling post natal depression. He wanted to have another baby but i wanted to wait until both kids were in school.

He ended up deciding to leave me in Sept. We were back and forth deciding on if we could make things work until he told me he had started seeing a 23 yr old in our town (family ties as well with me and this girl) I wasn't happy but he asked me to forgive him and I said I needed some time. Instead of waiting for my answer he remained seeing the girl and she is now pregnant, conceived 3-4 weeks after he walked out.

He has been having mixed feelings about it all as ultimately we were going to try and work before the pregnancy came up at things as we still loved each other and because of our small children. He's all over the place getting this 23 yr old pregnant when he's 37 and now feels its his duty to remain with her seeing as she is pregnant instead of making his other 2 kids his priority. We originally were getting on well and co parenting really well together until he recently told me he wants the kids to meet her and tell them about the baby, this now means I've to share my kids with this girl and I'm not really coping with it all very well. It has caused a huge rift between me and the kids dad because I've told him I'm broken hearted since he walked out, met someone else and got her pregnant. He only left 16 weeks ago!

Hes really frustrated with me for not wanting to go through this part just yet of having her round the kids. I'm just not mentally ready along with the fact this girl was apparently seeing another lad at the same time. She's adamant the baby belongs to my ex but I think the dates are quite close so I'm concerned about the kids being told about a baby who may not ultimately be his (although it might be) I'm also not prepared for the kids coming home with all the stories about their dad's girlfriend and her having a baby. That's something I wanted my kids to experience with me and their dad. I'm broken over all of this, I've continually dealt with heartache since he walked out and was sure we were gonna make a go of things again. I don't know how to cope with allowing the kids round her so soon, they're not together that long and it started out on a rocky path because she knew he wanted to come back to me and the kids. Although he's now in no contact with me after us falling out about the kids meeting her.

Hes had full access to the kids at any time I've just set a boundary the once and it was about the kids meeting her so I could have time to adjust to the situation and also accept that there's no going back for us. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

I just think its way too soon for the kids to meet this girl yet, plus what if the baby isn't his?? I also don't know how to deal with all the stories the kids are going to come home with. The breakup has really affected my mental health I'm struggling to cope with it and now knowing he has this whole other life to live and my kids which took us over 8 yrs to have, have to be shared with her and this new baby. I'm not sure where to go with it all. Do I legally have to do this so soon??? Plus my son has been struggling since his dad has left so this news will set him back more in my opinion and it sets their mum back too.

I want to keep a good relationship with their dad but there's too much hurt and raw emotion that all of this is causing even more issues between us. Has anybody been in a situation like this so soon after their partner leaving?

I agree it's too soon. I'm sorry you must be all over the place, I feel for you. But to be honest he sounds like a msssive prick and like he's done you a favour! Focus on yourself and your kids, what a charmer, left you and got another woman pregnant! You're better off without by the sounds of it.

He also blames me for the position he's in...

Says if I had of treated him better he wouldn't have felt the need to leave and get with the first person to show him attention. And because I asked for time after hearing about the other person instead of taking him back there and then this baby wouldn't have been created. I've now began to think he's right, but I was just under so much stress I lost myself. I didnt stop loving him I just got lost. But now I'm telling myself if I had have done x,y,z he's right I wouldn't have found myself or the kids being put in this position. I'm really not comfortable with the kids meeting a new person so soon and the fact he's becoming a dad again so soon has to really knocked me off my feet. I feel like the whole blame lies on my shoulders and Its eating me up inside. He tells me it's my own karma for not being a better partner basically 😞

You are not responsible in any way for your ex choosing to ejaculate into another woman. Stop listening to his gaslighting. He's a horrible human being who doesn't deserve you.

Christ almighty. The man is a worm and you are almost grovelling to him. Sorry that sounded so harsh but come on! Have some pride and outrage. Flush him.

Do I have to go ahead and allow her round my children???

He didn't them during hos weekend because he was having her round to his and I said no I'm not comfortable with this, have the kids yes but I don't want her about yet I'm not ready please respect that. So he decided not to have the kids and spent it with her instead. He's furious with me at the minute so I think what's gonna happen is next time he's due to have the kids he will tell them everything and introduce her even though I've asked him not to do this yet. I want him to see the kids I just don't want to do this part, it's too early for the kids and too quick for me and obviously completely tearing me apart

Ergh what a vile piece of work. Pick yourself up and tell him to fuck off. He is gaslighting you. I know it's hard as you still love him atm but I believe things happen for a reason!!

she needs to do a DNA test and find out definitively who the father is.

Sorry OP, I think he sounds dreadful and as a previous poster said ‘You are not responsible in any way for your ex choosing to ejaculate into another woman.’

Please don’t grovel to this man. I grovelled to my cheating ExH and he left anyway, along with a massive chunk of my self worth.

He says you haven’t shown him enough respect but he appears to have little respect for you or your children.

My ExH wanted the three kids to meet the OW a couple of weeks after he left, but I insisted he wait a few months. Fortunately I got his parents to talk to him about how confusing it could be for the children and he reluctantly agreed.

Would I have a leg to stand on legally here?

God, what a snake.
None of this is your fault, he makes his own choices.

Whatever happens, do not take him back!

I agree it's too soon for him to meet her and they need to be really careful about when to tell them about the baby but ultimately, you can't stop him introducing them unfortunately.

He's disgusting for cancelling seeing them in favour of his new girlfriend.

You didn't make the nasty little sex pest impregnate somebody. I mean he did know how babies were made and forgot to wear a condom? Does he think you should have popped round with one? Is he saying that he was so devoid of self control that he was absolutely compelled to have sex with some random person when he was asking you to take him back!

Says if I had of treated him better he wouldn't have felt the need to leave and get with the first person to show him attention. And because I asked for time after hearing about the other person instead of taking him back there and then this baby wouldn't have been created.

There's things called condoms ..... He should learn to use them.

Even if it failed (doubt it).
He also doesn't ever have a gun put to his head to fuck somebody and ejaculate inside them.
He very very poor at taking responsibility his own choices and behaviour, isnt he.

Really liked a scape goat.

As one of my favourite YouTubers says about taking responsibility for kids other people created "was I in the bed fucking? ... No".

He's taking the absolute pisd, I dunno how anyone could be as mental as to come out with such absolute bs.

In general he sounds like a really shitty person and partner.

You are well rid.

Knocking another woman up - at the literal expense of his existing kids - is just another aspect of his stupid, selfish, irresponsible, idiotic character.

Says if I had of treated him better he wouldn't have felt the need to leave and get with the first person to show him attention. And because I asked for time after hearing about the other person instead of taking him back there and then this baby wouldn't have been created.

So if you had treated him better he wouldn't have had to have unprotected sex with the first person that would have him? And continue to do so?

OP you must see how utterly ridiculous that is?

So while he was discussing coming back to you he was still sleeping with her? And that’s your fault? And you were also responsible for their contraception? I think this is one of those times where the trash has taken itself out.

In terms of him introducing her, legally I doubt you can stop him and given he has the morals of an alley cat making a (reasonable) moral argument isn’t going to work.

If you went to Court he would legally allowed to see your joint children.

The best thing to do is allow your children to see him as agreed.

He won't be able to hide his true personality from them on his own or with his new partner. This means they will work out if they are teens or when they reach that age their father is a dick. They may also refuse to see him.

Why on earth do you want to get back with this emotionally abusive cheating scumbag?

He wanted to get back with you so badly that he started to have unprotected sex with a young girl.

He is putting all the blame on you - surely you can see that is not right?

It is too soon for the kids to meet this other woman. Any decent man would put his existing children first.

What a Prince amongst men - not!!

Once you have time on your own you will see that this man is a liar, cheat, not a good father and a shit husband.

Do
Yourself and your kids a favour by letting him screw up his own life on his own.

I do understand how ridiculous it is but his words are really stuck in my head about if I had have been better to him neither of us would be in this position. That he would never have felt the need to leave. Because of that I'm constantly blaming myself that me and the kids are in this position now and that our family is broken. I spent years and years trying have kids and give him the family we craved for. Now I'm left to suffer emotionally and financially while he gets the opportunity to move on with someone else and create a whole other family life with my beautiful kids in the mix. He gets to have his cake and eat it while their mum is a broken mess who has to watch and listen to it all unfold. Do I really have to do this

Sorry my post was not clear

Let your children see their father.

Do not comment on his behaviour to them. Just say things like "That's how your father is" if they complain about how.

If he acts like a dick in front of them they will soon cotton on and may decide from 11+ they don't want to see him.

He is using the kids to have a go at you.
He is angry, incl angry at the fact he is now going to be a father when he didn’t intended to.
And he us taking his anger out on you AGAIN, using the dcs and them seeing the gf to hurt you. Because he knowns this will be hard fir you.

He gets to have his cake and eat it while their mum is a broken mess who has to watch and listen to it all unfold. Do I really have to do this

yes he get his cake and eats it.
And that’s because he is a twat not worthy of your love and care.

And yes you will have to do this. But you can do it on your own terms. That starts with taking back control and acknowledging your marriage has no future ever.
Then disengage. Keep communication with him about the dcs and only the dcs. You dint want to know anything about his struggles, his gf etc… NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.

re the gf… yes it’s too early but then your dcs are going to have a sibling. In some ways, that gf is family to them now (even if it’s very hurtful to you just now). Because of the pg, I’d let that go. Let them meet the mother of their new sibling.
But don’t invite her in YOUR life. She has no role to play.

He's a cock - it's all his own fault.

I’m so sorry for the pain this must have caused you all op.

Speaking from bitter experience, you will not be able to keep things ‘nice’ between you both. I suspect he’s trying to keep his foot in the door with both of you, hedging his bets, but the moment he realises he has no chance with you, he will become nasty and difficult. So be civil but firm and set some boundaries.

The children have experienced a lot of turmoil in a few short weeks. Adding a new partner and future sibling to the mix is not fair on them and not conducive to their welfare. The dust needs to settle then things should go at an appropriate pace thereafter. This isn’t about what he wants but what’s best for the children.

This is unfortunately why many posters say the biggest decision a woman can make is who she picks to father her kid, since it has enormous impact on daily life and the resulting kids themselves.

The kids sadly have a right to contact with their father, equal to your own time, and neither of you can stipulate time limits on meeting his new girlfriends or your new boyfriend in future, or what he does during his contact time. You could spend your own money doing mediation and court to formally define the contact arrangements, and communicate with him by email only since he seems to enjoy talking absolute shite, it can all be documented.

It's way too soon for him to introduce this woman to the children, but stopping him would likely cause a lot of drama. You'd have to withhold contact and he'd have to take you to court - is that something you'd want to do? If he bothered to take you court it's almost certain he'd be awarded access.

I think all you can do is support the children the best you can when they're with you. As much as it hurts, try to be breezy about the new girlfriend and the new baby. Let them be honest about their feelings. Don't let them see how you feel so they don't feel they need to choose between you and your dad.

Are you getting support from anyone IRL?

I'm sorry op, he sounds utterly vile and has behaved abominably.
Legally however your children have a right to see their father and no, you can't stipulate who he introduces them to in his contact time.
It's clearly in the children best interests to slow things down but you cannot legally enforce that. He does get to play at happy families with this girl and you children will be part of that
For your own sake I would disengage as much as possible. Focus on yourself and healing - you are in no way to blame for this and he didn't deserve you.