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Original poster

Is my partner just scared?

52 replies

xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 07:57

So little back story, my partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years. He's 30 this year and I'm 25. We bought our first house last year after renting for a few years and had a great year.

We'd already decided In 2021 that we wanted to start trying for a baby in September 2022, however he got his sperm tested and the results came back poor with low morphology and we were told it could take years / even IVF to fall pregnant. So we BOTH decided that we would start trying there and then (end of July) so not too far off when we were going to try anyway!

Anyway, we ended up conceiving in July, which was our first month of properly trying (we'd had a few months prior with no protection etc but not trying as such)

When I found out I was very shocked, grateful but shocked. He didn't take it amazingly at first but then started to get really excited. Now 3 months before he's due he's being a bit difficult, last night he was telling me how he feels trapped and doesn't want this? Bare in mind all he's done since we found out is go out and went to a stag do, there was one event I asked him if he wouldn't mind missing out on as he'd been away the whole weekend before. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. He says he wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants? Of course he can do stuff still but he will have a responsibility too

Maybe he's just scared or that's what I keep telling myself. I'm scared too but I wouldn't treat him this way and make him feel like I was going to just walk out

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 03/01/2023 08:07

How long did you try before you had his sperm tested?

You are not at the age where this would be given a test without you trying and failing. It’s an arduous journey and the steps at this point are common.

How did he react when told his status?

at any rate you can’t change shitty partners and you got one. Focus less on him and more on yourself and child. He isn’t a thing, you dig? Stop putting any energy into anything that doesn’t help you or your child.

JustKittenAround · 03/01/2023 08:09

Things don’t add up. But if real you’ll have to prioritize yourself and your child. You don’t have the energy to chase a little manlette and beg for love or decency.

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:10

@JustKittenAround he actually paid to get it done he's had mumps and it affected that area so he wanted to check it out before we started trying , his own decision! X

OP posts:
Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:10

@JustKittenAround things don't add up in what sense ??

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/01/2023 08:11

I would tell him once that either he steps up now and decides he wants to be a dad and a responsible partner or you’re done with him.

KangarooKenny · 03/01/2023 08:12

Perhaps he just said that he wanted a baby to keep you sweet and get sex, and now he’s realised that it’s actually happening and the enormity of it.
‘Lots of parents to be/new parents have a wobble, you need to work out if it’s a wobble or if you need to go it alone.
You need to think about which surname your baby will have,

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:15

Yeah you're right - his mum would be furious if she knew how he was acting, if it's nerves fine you're allowed to be nervous but it shouldn't be taken out on me, if you get what I mean, our little boy.

Thing is I guess right now all he sees is a scan photo? I feel him every day so maybe he doesn't have a connection and won't until he's born. But it is a worry, this isn't what I wanted for my child, I already love him to pieces

OP posts:
Realitea · 03/01/2023 08:25

He’s more than likely having a wobble as it’s becoming more real the closer it gets to delivery day. Try and get him to talk to you about how he’s feeling. I’m sure things will change once the baby’s born

catclimbedtree · 03/01/2023 08:30

I've just looked at your other posts, this isn't something new is it? I think he has promised you a lot in terms of ttc in September but you both agreed to start earlier due to the sperm quality. He probably thought he had a while of no contraception sex but the second you got pregnant you said he changed. That he became selfish. You need to lay down your expectations now in terms of him being an equal parent. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed but everything else? Completely capable of doing it.

It is possible that every conversation now etc is about the baby and he is feeling overwhelmed. That doesn't mean he can duck out of his responsibility to you and his child. Has he booked any time off work or paternity leave? Is he involved in buying stuff for the baby now?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/01/2023 08:33

Why didn’t you get married before TTC? A man being willing/unwilling to marry you is usually a good indicator of how committed and up for family life with you they are.

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:40

@Realitea I hope so

@catclimbedtree you're right it's not the first time he's been like this during the pregnancy, it baffles me a little, it takes two to make a child and he knew full well when we started trying that there's always a chance of it happening no matter how small.
It could be he's feeling overwhelmed you're right lovely and I do understand that, but he's on his way now - he's organised paternity leave and he has been but all of a sudden taken a back seat. It's like for a month he's fine and then he panics again and turns?

OP posts:
Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:41

@YaWeeFurryBastard marriage isn't on everyone's priority list - my parents weren't married when they had their children, got married after.. I understand your view though

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/01/2023 08:46

I've seen some men step up to the plate when a baby arrives, but also some who haven't. There's no real way to tell which one is which. His back and forth could go either way. it feels like you need a calm sit down conversation (not when he's wanting to go out) about how life will obviously look different, and he needs to accept this was his choice. Does he have any friends who are fathers?

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:48

@supercali77 we did this last night x

Yeah he has lots of friends who are fathers and they all moan about their girlfriends saying they never let them do anything and how they're all a nightmare so it's probably scared him even more, I don't mind him doing things! Gosh I want him to, I want time to myself too 😅

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/01/2023 08:49

Re marriage. Are you financially independant? If he keeps wobbling after the birth, go back to work when you can. I wouldnt trust him to make sure you're financially OK if you seperate

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:50

@supercali77 yes financially independent I earn more x

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/01/2023 08:50

@xttcbabyno1x I should have worded it as 'good role model' father friends 😂

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:51

@supercali77 then I don't think so, they're all brilliant dads who adore their kids but have no worries about making their OH look bad xx

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/01/2023 08:53

What did he say in the calm convo about it? Did he carry on saying he felt trapped?

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 08:54

Was he enthusiastic about TTC or did he just go with what you wanted?

jamoncrumpets · 03/01/2023 08:54

My DH had breakdowns during both my pregnancies. He thinks they were unrelated to my pregnancies but I quietly disagree.

He struggled a lot initially due to childhood trauma but he's pretty fab now.

Original poster
xttcbabyno1x · 03/01/2023 08:55

@supercali77 he did, he's very stubborn as well so trying to make him understand how he's coming across is tricky.

I've never tried to make him / made him ever feel trapped he spent pretty much every weekend from when we found out, out and doing stuff! I made sure he did loads as I didn't want him to be this way and make out I've stopped him from doing anything

I even paid for him to go to his friends stag do, to make sure he went! So I don't think I've been unreasonable at all x

OP posts:
catclimbedtree · 03/01/2023 09:02

As is testament on here lots of men carry on their lives, hobbies, holidays, going out. The idea of a baby and the reality of it are two very different things.

DH and I were told we would categorically need IVF only to conceive naturally in the first month of trying. It was a shock to be sure and we both had a what have we done moment. But then we accepted this was what we tried for and and looked forward rather than backward.

I think you need to talk to him about how this will work going forward. What your expectations are of each other from meal planning, food shopping for which I recommend online ordering and delivery, and what will happen during the night.

Also expectations of him going out and meeting up with his mates, how often etc. I would also talk to him about his mates and talking negatively about their partners so that he doesn't also join in that conversation about you. It is fine to have a moan but there must be lots of positives to which he needs to acknowledge too.

Googlecanthelpme · 03/01/2023 09:02

I would give him a little bit of slack tbh. He didn’t think you were going to fall pregnant immediately, he’s probably still reeling from it all.

There are lots of posts on here from women who are scared and nervous about their pending pregnancy / baby. Some who regret the pregnancy, have massive anxiety or just all of a sudden don’t feel ready for this huge life changing situation.
No one gives them a hard time and says their partner should leave him etc.

I would try to back off a little with all the pregnancy and baby conversations, that’s not to say pretend it’s not happening but ensure there is a balance of baby and normal life.

Perhaps sit him down and acknowledge he is scared and nervous about things changing and that you understand and don’t hold his feelings against him. That his feelings are valid and you’ll support him to adapt to the change.

This is all on the assumption that he is otherwise a decent, caring partner? That this is quite out of character for him?

Assuming he is other a good partner then hopefully he will come round in time, if however there are other problems around his commitment and behaviour then you may have to be prepared for the relationship to break down eventually.

nancydroo · 03/01/2023 09:05

He's 30 so a good solid age where there should be no excuses for displays of immaturity. It's positive that he is being honest with you about how he is feeling. However, he needs to get that feeling out of his system before baby arrives. Or you and him are going to fall out in a big way. I can't begin to express how hard relentless and exhausting it is caring for a baby and you don't need him acting out at that stage on top of everything else.
Babies exacerbate problems in a relationship but hopefully when the little one arrives your partner will largely put his Self aside and prioritise the baby. Rather than going out on the piss all the time and demanding lad only weekends. He doesn't want to be that guy. That guy is a loser and a crap father.

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