Is my partner just scared?

[xttcbabyno1x]

So little back story, my partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years. He's 30 this year and I'm 25. We bought our first house last year after renting for a few years and had a great year.

We'd already decided In 2021 that we wanted to start trying for a baby in September 2022, however he got his sperm tested and the results came back poor with low morphology and we were told it could take years / even IVF to fall pregnant. So we BOTH decided that we would start trying there and then (end of July) so not too far off when we were going to try anyway!

Anyway, we ended up conceiving in July, which was our first month of properly trying (we'd had a few months prior with no protection etc but not trying as such)

When I found out I was very shocked, grateful but shocked. He didn't take it amazingly at first but then started to get really excited. Now 3 months before he's due he's being a bit difficult, last night he was telling me how he feels trapped and doesn't want this? Bare in mind all he's done since we found out is go out and went to a stag do, there was one event I asked him if he wouldn't mind missing out on as he'd been away the whole weekend before. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. He says he wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants? Of course he can do stuff still but he will have a responsibility too

Maybe he's just scared or that's what I keep telling myself. I'm scared too but I wouldn't treat him this way and make him feel like I was going to just walk out

He is no longer your sole focus and he is reasserting his power in the relationship. He is unlikely to improve his attitude ime. Stop spending money on him.

That's not a brilliant dad.

I@Googlecanthelpme I definitely am giving him slack and basing this all on that he's scared which he's well within his right to feel that way and I have told him that.

I'm only posting on here to get others thoughts x

After reading your other posts, I didn’t realise he was 30! I thought he was some immature teenager not a 30 year old man. Why are you cutting him all this slack? Start planning to be a single parent because it doesn’t sound like he’ll be any help at all

@nancydroo you are so right, I'm hoping he sorts himself out in regards to that - hopefully once he's born it changes but that's another 3 months of worrying it won't x

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron alright

@Shoxfordian yeah not a teenager/young guy, i would've thought 30 would be a solid age!

Earning more is not the same as financially independent. Your earnings may take a dip or drop off a cliff post baby. That is why marriage should have been a higher priority, especially when it sounds like there is a reluctant father involved.

Agreed. Being the higher earner means nothing if your kid is born with significant special needs and one of you needs to reduce their hours or quit working altogether to provide care.

@Aprilx as previously said, marriage has never been number 1 on my list, my parents weren't married

You keep saying this. What do your parents have to do with anything? You’re having a baby with an immature-sounding, not-very-committed-sounding man who is freaking out — quite apart from financial protections, marrying would have made him think about the reality of your joint situation before you started to ttc.

So? What relevance has that got for your particular setup?

Marriage has never been a priority for me, it just never has been!

And there's no point saying "you should be married" we're not .. and I can't change that now

Nonsense, of course you can change that. Even before baby is here.

@LaLuz7 you really think that he's in any right mindset to get married right now? He's freaking out about a child let alone anything else

OP folk are saying it not bevause marriage should be some sanctified goal but because of the amount of women who get shafted after separation with kids (unmarried). Your career situation does take a hit, its inevitable. But that said, you're right, you're not married, so you need to deal with it from that pov

I don’t like this angst about ‘feeling trapped’.

He isn’t and never will for the simple reason that he has the freedoms to leave the relationship if it’s that bad and you are controlling.

What those men usually mean is
It’s not fair that I can’t do whatever I want but I am constantly reminded of the fact I am a father with responsibilities towards both my child
and my partner.

I don’t like it because I want my life before children with no one else to care about but me.
So I expect the mother to shoulder all the parenting so I can do whatever I want Wo ‘feeling trapped’

@xttcbabyno1x I’m not convinced he is shitting himself about the baby.

@VahineNuiWentHome then what's the problem? Spoken to him just and he said he is scared, he's worried we won't be able to spend any time together too, he's said he just wants him here now he doesn't feel anything yet (feelings wise for him) so all he is , is worried

@VahineNuiWentHome exactly! I haven't been controlling at all, he's been out loads that's what's crazy

I think most people have a little wobble before a baby is born, men and women. Talk things through and see how it goes.

Have a look at this thread, linked below. maybe share it with him too so he can understand that he has a choice to make whether to step up.

He probably is scared, encourage him to open up- both share your hopes and fears about how life is about to change.
Communication is key!

The posters who always say "Well, what was he like before kids?" http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4711269-the-posters-who-always-say-well-what-was-he-like-before-kids

He is just seeing the baby as a thing which will come between you and prevent him going out. When the baby arrives he will love it and it totally changes perspectives.

@purpledalmation
@bumpertobumper

Thank you for your positive outlooks, honestly really appreciate it xx

How much maternity leave will you have? How much does it expect you to contribute financially during it?

Will you go back to work full time? Has he agreed to go 50-50 on the cost of childcare?

What if baby has special needs? Who will sacrifice their career to care for baby?

Who will do the school run? Who will take the day off when the kid is sick?

Are You both on the house deed and mortgage? What happens to the house of you break up?

So many ways in which you can get financially blindsided. The risk of baby making lies with the woman, always. The men can opt out. Its the woman's career that takes a hit.

We are pointing out that marriage is a good way to gauge commitment to you and it's a decent insurance policy against getting the financial short end of the stick.

This is not about morals or tradition. It's 100% about practical implications.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant ish.

When me and DP were just talking about TTC he was all for it in X amount of time (can't remember now), but we basically agreed that we would have a few trips away/events planned alone together, then we would start.

However as that time grew closer he FREAKED. He was worried we would change as a couple, that our sex life would change (obv, but it is a big part of our relationship), that we wouldn't have much time together etc.

Then later on, as the months went on we started TTC earlier than planned, his decision. 😂 I actually found out on our last weekend trip away ❤️

He may well come round. I'd be very upset though to hear those things. I don't think his friends are helping. He is currently seeing the 'pitfalls' of becoming a dad but not yet experiencing the beautiful parts, like the bond with baby. Xx