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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help getting over someone I never had

58 replies

meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 05:59

I'm so sorry for sounding absolutely pathetic but I need words of encouragement and more than anything that this is normal because I do feel like I'm going insane.

I met this man unexpectedly whilst out running last year . As soon as I layed eyes on him there was an instant connection. Now I don't believe in love at first sight but this is what it was . I'm late 30s so not in my teenage years . Ever since that day I thought of him often . After this we would bump in to each other often with him always stopping to talk .

We both enjoyed each other's company but I never thought he had feelings for me until a few months later we both met up for a run and sat down for a rest . He said he is falling for me and do I feel the same . I said no because I was so shocked that he just came out with it and I hate talking about my feelings . We spent another hour talking and then carried on with our run .

We would text often . It was never nothing other than good conversation and that's what I liked about him . That he was so different to the normal dickheads around where I live .

The next time we met up he mentioned his feelings again and I admitted mine . Now this is where it's awful . He's Married and so am
I . He's happily married and I'm not . Not that it would make a difference with me because like I said earlier I have never in my life felt like this about anyone .

As much as what I feel for him I have never cheated and would never of done anything with him . He said he's never felt the way he has for anyone either but obviously nothing could happen.

We met up a few more times after this but the last time I seen him he said we had to stop all contact because he couldn't stop
Thinking of me and how wrong it was .

I agreed and have stopped contact all together . This has been for four months now and I stupidly feel heartbroken . How is this possible ? If he wasn't married or same with myself we would of definitely of given it a go . But we ain't and I know I need to forget it all but I can't . I thought time would make it easier but it hasn't .

Has anyone else gone through this ? I know what has happened is wrong but I didn't set out that day to feel the way I did neither did he because of how awful it made him feel .

Thankyou for reading and I'm so sorry if I have upset anyone .

OP posts:
Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 06:02

I forgot to add that I have been feeling extremely anxious and depressed with these feelings . Because I know I can never be with him . I'm ok some days then the realisation of not having him in my life hits and I literally find it hard to breath .

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 03/01/2023 06:33

Some woman somewhere is pissed off picking up his dirty pants.
Chemistry comes and goes, in real life he's just a bloke.
You're sad about a made up picture

mincepiesandi · 03/01/2023 06:40

I think you need to focus on your marriage. You say you're unhappy: maybe it's time to end it. Then you can move on and hopefully find someone else you have chemistry with too who's single.

Blastmydogintospace · 03/01/2023 06:49

Just think of the end game, what would be the situation if you had your way and bedded him.

By the sounds of it he already said he wants to keep the wife, so that's pointless and all it would achieve is problems for you at home, maybe the kids might find out or family, really it's not worth it.

Find another running partner, concentrate on not making your husband look a mug, even if you do want to leave, do it the right way.

Blastmydogintospace · 03/01/2023 06:50

By the way you're already having an emotional affair.

Crazypaving22 · 03/01/2023 06:54

Google 'limerance', pair bonding hormones are just causing your brain to work overdrive and create a romance that is not there. As another poster said his wife has the reality of this man, and it's not the dream you're making it out to be.

You've built this into something it isn't. Your problem isn't this unobtainable MARRIED man but your own marriage.

You're looking for an escape out of it, getting involved with a married man isn't it.

It's time to deal with the issues in your marriage. Time to work out why you're happy. I'm meaning this kindly, you're an affair waiting to happen and if you don't take action you could potentially become very VERY lost.

Put yourself in the driving seat of your life.

Crazypaving22 · 03/01/2023 06:55

Sorry should have read unhappy.

Liquim · 03/01/2023 06:56

I know how miserable it is for 2 people to like each other, but can't do anything about it. I was like this a few years ago. We were both instantly attracted, me married, him dating someone. We worked in same building, so seeing each other everyday at some point. We never admitted to each other how we felt, he repeatedly told colleagues how much he liked me. I eventually transferred to another job, it was making me ill, the crush. I felt pathetic. Op, your grieving for what could have been. Keep busy. Either leave your marriage or try improve your relationship.

Thighlengthboots · 03/01/2023 07:01

I totally get it. But you have "fallen in love" with an illusion. You say you are in love with him- but you barely know him. What you do know is that you find him physically attractive and have talked a little bit. Its very, very easy to charm someone in a few chats, it isnt representative of what he is like behind closed doors or in his real life. This is a man who admits he is happily married and yet would cheat on his wife in a flash if you gave him the green light. What do you think this says about his character?-do you think it shows he is kind? empathic? caring? decent? strong moral compass? It says the absolute opposite of that actually. You are looking at this through the glow of rose tinted glasses and not thinking about this logically. Logically, this man is a potential cheater. How do you know he isnt doing this same routine with other female runners, with women he works with, with female friends? Lets say you decided to go for it- could you trust him?, what would make you think he wouldnt do the exact same thing to you? - he has already shown he doesnt care about the feelings of his partner so why would you be any different? You need to reduce your emotional thinking and look at this situation logically. Listen to his actions, not his words which are filled with flattery and lies.

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/01/2023 07:05

So he says he's happily married? Clearly not.

Buildingthefuture · 03/01/2023 07:20

Agree completely with @Thighlengthboots. This man is a cheat and a liar, what exactly about that is attractive? This is why any married man who comes on to me gives me the immediate ick. I could never fancy someone who is prepared to shit so royally over his wife and dc. This bloke even told you he was “happily married” He is looking for a shag and a shag only and I can absolutely guarantee you won’t be his first rodeo. To use a couple of cliches here…..raise your bar op, a shagger isn’t what you want in a partner. And, strengthen your boundaries. You are married too. If you aren’t happy, leave. But don’t do it by bed hopping with some selfish loser with a wandering cock.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/01/2023 07:27

I know married men can have female friends but…. He saw you, thought you attractive and stopped to talk to you. I think a decent, intelligent man would’ve kept running. They don’t set out to befriend women they are attracted because of what is likely to happen.

I think it was an ego boost to him and if you think that might be true and hang onto that, it might get easier to forget about him

Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 07:42

Thankyou all so much for replying to me and for being so understanding. I was prepared to be slaughtered on here . I have been cheated on and I know what it does to you . The only thing that I disagree with is the fact that he was willing to cheat on his wife and wanted a shag . That I know he didn't want . He never knew that I wasn't going to sleep with him . Before we stopped contact he said he has too because of what would happen in the future and it's better to end it now than later and be sorry.

I am trying to picture all his bad points and it has helped . Thankyou op for making me think of his dirty underwear on the floor 😂. Made me laugh so Thankyou .

As for my husband . I have been through absolute hell with him . And don't get me wrong I have found other men attractive over the years but never ever went there or wanted too . But there was and is something so different about the one I'm talking about . When I was with him it felt like I had known him all my life . He even said it's like we were together in another life so I know he felt the same way .

I'm glad it's all needed tho I know it's for the best . It's just so hard to stop bloody thinking of him 😭

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 03/01/2023 07:50

The only thing that I disagree with is the fact that he was willing to cheat on his wife and wanted a shag . That I know he didn't want

The only thing I’d disagree with here is his true motive. If you don’t intend on cheating on your spouse you wouldn’t be going around telling people you’d never met anyone like them. To me, this is a manipulative tactic to test the waters as it were. Firstly it’s “oh we must cut off all contact” then if you had looked sad he would have followed up with “I’ve tried not to contact you but it’s too hard, I can’t stop thinking about you” etc. Of course he had to say that because if he blatantly told you he wanted to sleep with you he could sense your hesitation and know he was pushing you further away. I suspect he said that to keep up the facade of him being a “nice guy”. Don’t be surprised if you start bumping into him again in the future and he comes out with gems like “I’ve tried to stay away from you, I really have but it’s too difficult” etc.

Craftycorvid · 03/01/2023 08:01

I’m going to partially disagree with some replies, OP. Sure. The bit about the reality of a person is very much their dirty pants, and most likely their farting habit and dodgy tastes in music as well. However, I do think it is completely possible to have that - sometimes mutual - bizarre ‘connection’ with someone, regardless of how happy or not you are in your current relationship. In fact, part of how bewildering this sort of experience can be is how it can land out of the blue when you are not looking for it at all, even when you feel you would definitely never go there and are perfectly content with your relationship. In short: it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, or that you want to cheat necessarily - the man you met might very well be completely sincere about that. There are two ways to get over something like this: act on it, which eventually leads you to the dirty pants/disillusionment stage; or work through the feelings and what they mean, maybe with a therapist. Sometimes these ‘out of the blue’ experiences can signal deep underground rumblings that suggest unexplored parts of your life are shouting for attention.

g3nuine · 03/01/2023 08:08

Well clearly you need to leave your marriage... Your unhappy so time to call it quits. Meeting this man has awakened feelings which were dormant in you. Life is way too short to spend quality time with someone who is making you unhappy!

Leave your marriage move forwards find someone else single & available.

Iliveditwizbit · 03/01/2023 08:09

If he’s fallen for you, and had genuinely fallen in love with you, he’d have said
’i left my wife because I realised I was in love with you. I’d like to get to know you better’.
And then if it worked good, and if it didn’t he’d be single but either way he’d have had enough knowledge of true love and the courage of his convictions to give up everything for you.

Rozanah · 03/01/2023 08:09

I think he would have been up for an affair because he would have just cut contact or avoided you without the declaration. And even when you said nothing can happen he still met up for runs with you and hung out, he was checking you haven't changed your mind.

I think a truly great love story doesn't start as an affair and it's where both parties decide they need to leave their marriages regardless of what happens with the crush and then they meet up and the chemistry is still there and then they can start a relationship on honest foundations.

Hobbies, particularly running, climbing and cycling where the ratio for men is higher than women is a hotbed for affairs. Perfect excuse for the unsuspecting DH or DW at home, excellent cover for cheating.

At the end of the day, you both chose your respective spouses and home life over this connection. This is the bottom line that you need to replay in your head.

You need to sort your own life and relationship out for your own self because you don't want a life of regrets or a life where you look back and feel ashamed at the hurt and deception you've caused. Live your life with dignity and accept that if this is a true love story, you will end up together honestly and honourably, not like some squirreling rats hiding in the night. It's really not as exciting or romantic as some may think. It's sleazy and cheap and really fucks up your mind. It also distracts you from facing yourself and working on getting your life and self in order.

Rozanah · 03/01/2023 08:10

They say how you meet them is how you lose them.

StaceyCherries · 03/01/2023 08:14

Incidentally, does his name start with D? @meganiris192

Blastmydogintospace · 03/01/2023 08:18

Rozanah · 03/01/2023 08:10

They say how you meet them is how you lose them.

Would that mean some deep ravine whist out running ?

Thighlengthboots · 03/01/2023 08:27

Rozanah · 03/01/2023 08:09

I think he would have been up for an affair because he would have just cut contact or avoided you without the declaration. And even when you said nothing can happen he still met up for runs with you and hung out, he was checking you haven't changed your mind.

I think a truly great love story doesn't start as an affair and it's where both parties decide they need to leave their marriages regardless of what happens with the crush and then they meet up and the chemistry is still there and then they can start a relationship on honest foundations.

Hobbies, particularly running, climbing and cycling where the ratio for men is higher than women is a hotbed for affairs. Perfect excuse for the unsuspecting DH or DW at home, excellent cover for cheating.

At the end of the day, you both chose your respective spouses and home life over this connection. This is the bottom line that you need to replay in your head.

You need to sort your own life and relationship out for your own self because you don't want a life of regrets or a life where you look back and feel ashamed at the hurt and deception you've caused. Live your life with dignity and accept that if this is a true love story, you will end up together honestly and honourably, not like some squirreling rats hiding in the night. It's really not as exciting or romantic as some may think. It's sleazy and cheap and really fucks up your mind. It also distracts you from facing yourself and working on getting your life and self in order.

Excellent advice and very wise words.

Rolypolyup · 03/01/2023 08:40

It's funny because my Husband has been 'off' for ages.. running is his hobby and when I asked him if he's seeing someone else he laughed at me with a "when would I have time for that!!" Comment. Oh well.

WarmNuts · 03/01/2023 08:51

I read somewhere that funfairs are excellent first date locations because the rush from the rides gets you to confuse the thrill with chemistry. I'm imagining this gorgeous, tall, hunk in his sexy shorts and muscular legs, pounding the pavement, panting out of breath like he's having intense sex, excellent posture and form giving advantage to his broad shoulders and pecs, your heart is beating fast, both slightly sweaty but still smells good (damn you pheromones) and then you mix your heart beating fast and looking flushed with chemistry.

@Rolypolyup Cheaters are very creative and excellent time managers. It's like a challenge or a game to them that adds to their sexual arousal.

Stickytoff · 03/01/2023 08:55

I think because of the situation you are in, I.e. the unhappy marriage that you have made more of this encounter than it really is. It gives you something to distract you from your real life. It is just limerence. Sort out your relationship and over time the limerence will die down. It is very unsettling at the moment because of the situation you are in.