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Original poster

Help getting over someone I never had

58 replies

meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 05:59

I'm so sorry for sounding absolutely pathetic but I need words of encouragement and more than anything that this is normal because I do feel like I'm going insane.

I met this man unexpectedly whilst out running last year . As soon as I layed eyes on him there was an instant connection. Now I don't believe in love at first sight but this is what it was . I'm late 30s so not in my teenage years . Ever since that day I thought of him often . After this we would bump in to each other often with him always stopping to talk .

We both enjoyed each other's company but I never thought he had feelings for me until a few months later we both met up for a run and sat down for a rest . He said he is falling for me and do I feel the same . I said no because I was so shocked that he just came out with it and I hate talking about my feelings . We spent another hour talking and then carried on with our run .

We would text often . It was never nothing other than good conversation and that's what I liked about him . That he was so different to the normal dickheads around where I live .

The next time we met up he mentioned his feelings again and I admitted mine . Now this is where it's awful . He's Married and so am
I . He's happily married and I'm not . Not that it would make a difference with me because like I said earlier I have never in my life felt like this about anyone .

As much as what I feel for him I have never cheated and would never of done anything with him . He said he's never felt the way he has for anyone either but obviously nothing could happen.

We met up a few more times after this but the last time I seen him he said we had to stop all contact because he couldn't stop
Thinking of me and how wrong it was .

I agreed and have stopped contact all together . This has been for four months now and I stupidly feel heartbroken . How is this possible ? If he wasn't married or same with myself we would of definitely of given it a go . But we ain't and I know I need to forget it all but I can't . I thought time would make it easier but it hasn't .

Has anyone else gone through this ? I know what has happened is wrong but I didn't set out that day to feel the way I did neither did he because of how awful it made him feel .

Thankyou for reading and I'm so sorry if I have upset anyone .

OP posts:
Rolypolyup · 03/01/2023 08:58

WarmNuts · 03/01/2023 08:51

I read somewhere that funfairs are excellent first date locations because the rush from the rides gets you to confuse the thrill with chemistry. I'm imagining this gorgeous, tall, hunk in his sexy shorts and muscular legs, pounding the pavement, panting out of breath like he's having intense sex, excellent posture and form giving advantage to his broad shoulders and pecs, your heart is beating fast, both slightly sweaty but still smells good (damn you pheromones) and then you mix your heart beating fast and looking flushed with chemistry.

@Rolypolyup Cheaters are very creative and excellent time managers. It's like a challenge or a game to them that adds to their sexual arousal.

Are you a man?

BecauseICan22 · 03/01/2023 08:58

Limerance.

Cut all contact. If you want to, work on your marriage, if not then end it and spend time alone.

Blastmydogintospace · 03/01/2023 09:11

@Rolypolyup Cheaters are very creative and
excellent time managers. It's like a challenge or a game to them that
adds to their sexual arousal.

I'll agree with this, it's the one's you'd never expect with zest for life hobbies and what you think is limited time that end up being the serial cheats.

The one's you'd never imagine.
Shudder 👼

nancydroo · 03/01/2023 09:24

It's hard OP but the reality is that over your life span you will meet many more men that you recognise you could have equally shared a life with. The main issue here is your unhappy marriage. You need to work on that and maybe at the end you'll have to let it go. Grief and missed opportunity for this guy can consume you much longer than four months. You need to stop living inside your head and take action. Make changes with your life as it exists now. Or like I suggested, you'll keep running into this same problem and eventually it will get very messy

Veronica8 · 03/01/2023 09:52

@Buildingthefuture what if one day this happened you and married man didn't give you the ick and you couldn't stop thinking about this particular person. It's very easy to say until it happens you it's all consuming and makes no sense. How can you feel an instant connection with someone I have felt it too and its driving me nuts. I would consider myself to have a happy marriage so this is all the more confusing!

Bedazzled22 · 03/01/2023 10:40

You sound so unhappy. I think you may have projected more onto your feelings for this man because of your unhappiness in your marriage.

ok, you might have fancied him, but he sounds like he’d be willing to cheat on his wife. He has lied and said he is happily married, but he is clearly not. Perhaps he said this to let you know that there would be no future if anything happened between you? I wonder if he says this to all the runners that he meets…

I don’t think your feelings for this guy is the problem here. It’s your happiness in your marriage which you need to address and I hope you can and be happy again!

Sherbertlemonade · 03/01/2023 10:57

As @StaceyCherries asked, I am presuming we are thinking on the same lines, although the name I have in mind starts with a J.

I read your post and instantly thought this could easily be 'J' you are talking about.

Which does go to show that it could be a well worn path of trying to find someone willing to enter into an affair with him.
He is definitely not the only one out there doing this no matter what his initial is.

Consider yourself lucky you haven't fallen for it and entered into an affair. Don't let him take up space in your head rent free. It will only get worse if you do. Trust me.

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 12:24

I find it a bit strange that he said that he was falling for you but that nothing else untoward had actually happened. It's not like people normally come out with 'i'm falling for you' in the middle of chatting about stuff, is it?!
Also, the point about stopping contact now rather than leaving it and regretting it later? What does that even mean?!

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 12:34

How can he be happily married if he's fallen for you @meganiris192 ?

Does that mean that he was happily married until he met you and you're a better option than his wife? Or does that mean that he is happily married but that you're a temptation and if he crosses that line then he's gone against his vows and will regret cheating on his wife?

Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 12:39

This is just a bloody fantasy op. Of course he was flattered and was wondering if you’d be up for being a bit on the side.

deal with the core issue. If you’re unhappily married end it. That’s what you should be focusing on, not some fantasy about a random you hardly know.

Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 12:40

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 12:34

How can he be happily married if he's fallen for you @meganiris192 ?

Does that mean that he was happily married until he met you and you're a better option than his wife? Or does that mean that he is happily married but that you're a temptation and if he crosses that line then he's gone against his vows and will regret cheating on his wife?

Your spot on with this

OP posts:
Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 12:42

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 12:34

How can he be happily married if he's fallen for you @meganiris192 ?

Does that mean that he was happily married until he met you and you're a better option than his wife? Or does that mean that he is happily married but that you're a temptation and if he crosses that line then he's gone against his vows and will regret cheating on his wife?

But not that I am a better option than his wife . But he takes his vows seriously . So unless his wife breaks any of her vows he would never leave her

OP posts:
GinoVino · 03/01/2023 12:43

This is an emotional affair. My father had an emotional affair, then turned into a physical one. It completely destroyed my mother, mentally and physically, and me and my siblings lives in the aftermath. His poor wife and family. And your husband too. Do you have children? Would your husband also describe your marriage as 'unhappy'? Or is he completely unaware, just like this man's wife?

You need to leave your husband if you're that unhappy in your marriage.

Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 12:44

Also his name starts with b . I will get back to you all very soon . In work so hard to reply . But Thankyou all again . I did buy a book called why women love too much . I will have to read it and hope it helps me understand what the hell happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
meganiris192 · 03/01/2023 12:45

GinoVino · 03/01/2023 12:43

This is an emotional affair. My father had an emotional affair, then turned into a physical one. It completely destroyed my mother, mentally and physically, and me and my siblings lives in the aftermath. His poor wife and family. And your husband too. Do you have children? Would your husband also describe your marriage as 'unhappy'? Or is he completely unaware, just like this man's wife?

You need to leave your husband if you're that unhappy in your marriage.

I'm so sorry you have been through what you have . I too was brought up in this environment. I have so many issues because of my up brining . But I would never cross the line to get physical. Neither would he and I truly believe that

OP posts:
eyope · 03/01/2023 12:49

Look at it this way, OP - you don't really know him at all. You meet him for a run or about town, that's it. You have never seen his home life, met his friends or family or know anything about what constitutes the 90% of his life that isn't spent running. Texting doesn't count.

He could be a terribly abusive man at home, he could be a regular chancer with lone women runners, he could be lazy and entitled, he could be any manner of awful - you don't know. These things aren't tattooed on someone's head and tbh most decent married men would be shy about approaching a lone, married female out running (especially in the current climate) - the confidence with which he's done it would suggest it's not his first time. And he tested the waters with how likely you were to sleep with him, telling you he couldn't stop thinking about you was bait. You were supposed to run after him and seduce him (so he could claim deniability to his wife that YOU chased him), not accept his decision so calmly.

So you're not in love with him, you're in love with the idea and potential you've built in your head. And this idea of him stems from your unhappiness at home. He isn't your person, OP. As a pp said, a great love doesn't start in this shady way - with some bloke you barely know claiming he's falling for you..... I would figure out what you want to do about your marriage and life and sort that out. Don't beat yourself up for falling for his rubbish - but also don't give him any more headspace.

Valeria89 · 03/01/2023 12:51

I think you like him because you've met what you think is a good one. You think that because he wouldn't cheat physically on his wife that he's a good one! But all regular runners, walkers, dog-walkers could easily do what he's done but not everyone does that. Because people keep sensible boundaries. He can't be that great if his boundaries are so weak.

GinoVino · 03/01/2023 12:54

It doesn't have to be physical to cross the line. You already crossed the line when you continued to meet up, one on one, with a married man who had feelings for you. Then professed you also had feelings for this man, you would have continued to act on those feelings if he hadn't ended it. You crossed way over the line already. How do you think his wife feels if she knew all this has happened? How do you think your husband would feel? Maybe you can get over your own heartache by empathising with the actual victims here. Get yourself some therapy and think seriously about ending your marriage. You don't have to be in an unhappy marriage.

MintyBinty · 03/01/2023 14:10

If you’re unhappily married, to the point that you are developing strong feelings for someone else, you have to address that - whether it be with couples counseling or therapy for yourself to figure out if you want to stay in your current relationship or not. Treat this crush as a bit of a wake up call that something is clearly not right in your marriage and you need to explore that before you make any decisions on what to do.

it’s unlikely you’ll end up with this guy so try not to think about that. Just focus on what is or isn’t working in your marriage and what to do about it. That’s your first step.

I found myself in a similar situation - miserable in my relationship and crushing hard on someone I worked with. I left my partner. Got rejected by the guy. I’m single now but honestly I don’t regret ending the relationship. It wasn’t meant to be and I wasn’t happy with him.

Good luck and focus on doing what’s best for you.

Coolheadedbird · 03/01/2023 19:01

I don't know if you realise how ridiculous all of this sounds.

Let me enlighten you.

88% of women in an affair with a MM would like him to leave his wife for them. Almost none do. About 3-5% do off their own accord and this is usually only if the wife finds out and chucks them out. He's happy in that he is comfortable in his family home and he's to her doing the meals, dishes, being his mummy. Once you get him, it gets even more exciting. It's very unlikely to last as it was borne out of an affair, and if you do get married, the divorce rate is 90%.

You are lusting after someone's man. The loser in this is you. He very much wants the excitement of the illicit shag (and but the sounds of it if it was romantic enough you would not need much encouragement on this) and validation but once he has that, he ultimately chooses his wife that he shares his life and family with. The one that his parents call daughter in law. Have a wild guess how they might look upon you if you come in between them and split their beautiful family up. They will not care very much for your lusty lady runner feelings. It will be a huge fall from how you currently imagine him to perceive you ('the one that he can not have, but would have had if it weren't for circumstances').

His declaration that he's happy in his marriage tells you what you need to know. He's made it clear from the outset so that he can reference it back to you when things get overly powerful for you, and you have your exit affair only to end up alone and dumped by your stallion.

My honest advice would be to dump your husband and get on Tinder, but you won't will you? Because deep down you know that the reality out there sucks. So you can waste some more time dreaming of this, but in reality, he's an even worse option than Tinder. At least on that you may meet someone who's not a chancer and does not prowl on women looking for a way out of their marriage.

In fact, staying in the marriage and dreaming of him allows you to imagine yourself as a damsel in distress. Your marriage can't be that bad if you ain't budging and plus, it does make it a bit more exciting to look down from your balcony and imagine your knight in shining spandex running to your rescue. It's way more exciting than leaving your hum drum hubby (let's face it pretty much 90% of marriages after 7-10 yrs have turned to chores etc) and realising that spandex knight is not appearing, and mores avoids you, because now you are totally single and would like more than an affair, so all that would be left is Tinder.

Think carefully how you imagine your life from here and you will get your answers. Only then will you be able to take the actions to make your life better or as good as it can be, rather than a mess in which you don't win and he takes. A lot. Your soul, your spirit, your morals, your dignity. It's not something I would play with because it's unlikely one can ever reclaim those aspects of themselves.

Coolheadedbird · 03/01/2023 19:05

BTW @MintyBinty what does this mean If you’re unhappily married, to the point that you are developing strong feelings for someone else,

A lot of us develop feelings for other people when we are busy, run down with chores and when external people validate us. Isn't that the reason puppies lie back and have a tummy tickle, because someone makes them feel special and gives them attention? I know my dow does this with us, the postman, the plumber, the window cleaner, carpet cleaner and even the gutter guy that comes once a year. Don't be deceived by this very common phenomena and don't become someone's shag-buddy just cause of some simple confusion that doesn't even need to be confusing. It's run of the mill stuff.

Dery · 03/01/2023 19:15

OP - if you’ve been through hell with your DH, what’s keeping you in your marriage? This guy is a fantasy and unavailable in any case but surely you’d be better off out of your marriage?

Bertha21 · 03/01/2023 19:51

Lust? I had a physical reaction over someone the first time I saw them. At the time I was married. But had started to realise I wasnt happy. I didn’t act on it but did see him regularly still do. It played on my mind. I think now it was a sign things were missing in my marriage. I went to counselling and started to
unpick why I was unhappy. I would suggest doing that…

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/01/2023 19:58

This is mainly losing a dream and a hope of something different
so no wonder your feeling sad

I promise if you got him he wouldn’t be a Prince Charming ! it’s all in your head and imagination
but that’s ok.

maybe it’s hit you hard as not happy with life
which means maybe you need some small changes elsewhere
or some major ones

MintyBinty · 03/01/2023 23:22

I mean, strong feelings is a clear indication that you’re unhappy. As someone else upthread stated. It’s worth exploring WHY that’s happening. Feelings don’t just develop for anyone, there’s often a reason behind them. And by “strong” I’m obviously not applying this to the feelings you might have for your postman etc, don’t be so condescending.

OP you will never get kind responses on this platform to this sort of post. It’s deeply unpopular on here to talk about this kind of issue. The fact is it sounds like you an are falling out of love with your DH. Time to address that. As I stated previously - you are unlikely to end up with this guy you have met, so don’t focus on that. Focus on what isn’t working in your marriage and whether those things are possible to fix, or if it’s time to call it a day.