Help getting over someone I never had

[meganiris192]

I'm so sorry for sounding absolutely pathetic but I need words of encouragement and more than anything that this is normal because I do feel like I'm going insane.

I met this man unexpectedly whilst out running last year . As soon as I layed eyes on him there was an instant connection. Now I don't believe in love at first sight but this is what it was . I'm late 30s so not in my teenage years . Ever since that day I thought of him often . After this we would bump in to each other often with him always stopping to talk .

We both enjoyed each other's company but I never thought he had feelings for me until a few months later we both met up for a run and sat down for a rest . He said he is falling for me and do I feel the same . I said no because I was so shocked that he just came out with it and I hate talking about my feelings . We spent another hour talking and then carried on with our run .

We would text often . It was never nothing other than good conversation and that's what I liked about him . That he was so different to the normal dickheads around where I live .

The next time we met up he mentioned his feelings again and I admitted mine . Now this is where it's awful . He's Married and so am
I . He's happily married and I'm not . Not that it would make a difference with me because like I said earlier I have never in my life felt like this about anyone .

As much as what I feel for him I have never cheated and would never of done anything with him . He said he's never felt the way he has for anyone either but obviously nothing could happen.

We met up a few more times after this but the last time I seen him he said we had to stop all contact because he couldn't stop
Thinking of me and how wrong it was .

I agreed and have stopped contact all together . This has been for four months now and I stupidly feel heartbroken . How is this possible ? If he wasn't married or same with myself we would of definitely of given it a go . But we ain't and I know I need to forget it all but I can't . I thought time would make it easier but it hasn't .

Has anyone else gone through this ? I know what has happened is wrong but I didn't set out that day to feel the way I did neither did he because of how awful it made him feel .

Thankyou for reading and I'm so sorry if I have upset anyone .

We fall for other people because we allow ourselves to float in a universe where we are not focusing on our core primary relationship and jobs, friendships, children at hand.

It’s a lovely place to be, albeit no matter how short, but in that universe your Prince Charming is a MM, who’s stated he’s got no intention on leaving his gorgeous wife he chose and watched admiringly as she walked down the aisle but would not mind having a bit on the side. You are already defending these feelings as being more valid than they truly are, but every single MW entering an affair somehow seems to have that same sense of justification of it being unlike anything they have experienced. With ‘love’ being the ultimate justification for breaking up families etc. Look up more affair posts on here with the main one being ‘Making Sense of Affair’, it’s pretty clear that the scenario is always the same.

Its not love. It’s the tiny tad of validation you got out of him expressing his feelings and checking out whether you’re game. I appreciate it may take you an exit affair, years of being the OW, to realise how this special connection truly isn’t anything special, when he does not budge but save yourself this horror as by then you will be so totally invested you could have left your marriage for absolutely nothing but pain and loneliness. And the constant feeling of being second best, discarded, older. That is not love. It’s a big risk for absolutely no gain.

There is your answer in how to stop thinking of him. Do not romanticise the impossible scenario, the reality is vastly different.

I think this is actually true. I had an inexplicable connection with a colleague about fifteen years ago, and I think it was mutual, despite us both being happily married and never so much as mentioning a hint of it to one another. It passed eventually, we’ve long been entirely ordinary platonic friends, and I’m also very fond of his wife. I think for me it was the first time I’d met someone else I thought I could have been happy with, had I not been happily committed elsewhere. I knew more potential partners existed, I just hadn’t met one before. Still happily married, as is he.

He wasn't that infatuated if he hasn't made any contact in 4 months.

If I’ve understood right, you were asking how to get over something that never was? Your feelings were and are valid and I would say treasure them in your heart. You both knew you wouldn’t consider taking things further so you always knew it would never be but maybe you could see it as a beautiful dream. It was a brief encounter perhaps even with a soul mate and you can make of it as you choose. Life is short, savour the bits that make you feel truly alive. I’m not advocating anything other than remember him with great fondness and use those feelings to enrich and energise your life going forward.

Try and think of all the things wrong or not ideal about him. For a start he's not acted well to his wife by saying those things too you. And maybe he has bad hair or whatever. There's usually something. One of the problems is you know so little about him that you don't know much that's bad. But you know he acted really inappropriately as a husband.

Thankyou all so much for your replies . I really appreciate every one and also agree with what everyone is saying. I do want to say again that I would never of had gone further with him . Even if he wasn't happy in his marriage I still would of said no .

I'm actually bit of a man hater so always keep my distance from them so this is why I think my head is so messed up why I let this one in .

As for my husband . There's so much that has gone on but I would be here all day . This is going to sound awful because it is but he fell out of love with me a long time ago . I have always been second best to a hobby of his .

He's only with me because he can't afford to move out and me , I'm only still where I am because of petrified of being on my own. I suffer with pretty bad anxiety and I don't deal well with change . I have been seeing a professional for a while to help with my feelings but they are deep rooted from childhood so it's pretty hard to overcome them .

After being with my husband I never want another relationship with anyone . When he goes and he will go I just want to be on my own . I never imagined a future with the other man because I knew it was never on the cards or in an odd way I wouldn't want too because I know loving someone for me always leads to hurt

I'm only still where I am because of petrified of being on my own. I suffer with pretty bad anxiety and I don't deal well with change . I have been seeing a professional for a while to help with my feelings but they are deep rooted from childhood so it's pretty hard to overcome them .

EMDR therapy is the best for trauma @meganiris192 , I'd highly recommend it.

I have a severe mental health disability but I live happily alone, it's fine. I just reach out to services if I (very rarely) need it.

@meganiris192 what ever became of your story? Did you ever bump into him again? Do you still have feelings for him?