Issues with my mother over Christmas... Can't shake it off. Any thoughts?

[Motherissues100]

NC for this. I've gone to post several times and deleted it, but I can't stop stewing. This will be long, apologies!

My mother stayed with me and DH (who was working the majority of the time) for 4 nights over Christmas. Her and my father have been divorced for 20 years, used to be the best of friends but recently fallen out, so we were all apart for Christmas. She's not taken the falling out well and I have tried to be there and support her but it's difficult to hear her badmouth my dad.

My mother loves to argue and debate about absolutely ANYTHING, and I tend to limit my time with her to one or two nights (she lives 300 miles away). She is very loud, belligerent and overly opinionated, without always knowing her facts.

We had a good night out Christmas eve. Christmas day morning equally as ok. DH wakes up from nightshift, we do presents, I go to cook. She immediately tries to engage DH in rather one sided debates about immigration, the NHS, male suicide, trans issues. This is far from a one off. She is very transphobic, vehemently against immigration and believes she is centre right, but a lot of her views seem far right to me (I'm very much left!). I ask if we can not have these conversations on Christmas day, she takes the piss out of me and says they're just talking. DH literally just walked away to get away from the conversation. Dinner and the rest of the night are spent in almost silence.

Boxing day I had DH's family over. She is again very overbearing in conversation, incredibly loud (DH with ear issues had to put earplugs in) and seems to very much enjoy telling stories which she knows will embarrass me. She gets drunk, my in laws leave at about 9.

We stay up for a bit longer, I mention that I'm worried about the mortgage increase we're facing next year. She tells me I have no right to be worried as we have 2 incomes and she survives on one. This descended into an argument where I cried a lot (I don't do well in arguments), where she told me to "fuck off and speak to my dad", and that she was glad I didn't have kids because I couldn't "behave the way I do". I apparently have no right to be upset about anything at all (I have MH issues which she doesn't know about as she doesn't believe MH is a thing 😒 it's just easier not to tell her).

I went to bed very upset and barely slept, but was willing just to draw a line under it the next morning. She couldn't help herself and argued that I was lying when I said I only had 2 hours sleep. I lost it then and put her in an expensive Uber to her friends house on the other side of London, and missed seeing DH's grandparents.

She has been trying to call since and I just don't want to speak to her. I have text a couple of times to make sure she got home ok.

Why am I stewing on this? My mum is very much on her own except for me and my brother and I feel like maybe I should just not have challenged her and kept the peace. Is she taking her issues with my father out on me?

I just don't really know how to move forward and would appreciate any thoughts. Congratulations if you made it this far!

TLDR - my mother is belligerent, right wing and argumentative and seems to think I cannot have any worries because I have a mortgage and 2 incomes.

She needs you more than you need her.
Let her stew on it.

I'm always amazed how narcissistic parents always make their children feel this way.

I'd go NC for a while and the set firm boundaries when/if you are ready to see her again. Her behaviour is not acceptable.

Hi OP, I have had some of this with MIL over Christmas as well. Comparing, minimising your problems, telling you they don't matter.

I'm getting really fed up with it as I have been so supportive to her during her grief for FIL. Listening lots, being kind etc.

It may be in their nature. But I think I need more boundaries in the New Year.

@helenabonhamfarter I actually called her a narc during the argument and she didn't take that well at all. She doesn't believe that anything she has ever done or said has affected myself or my brother. We were brought up in the army so had quite an unorthodox childhood (not to drip feed, my OP was already long enough 🤣).

She is a grown woman. Being on her own seems best imo.
Why feel bad she is alone? It's of her own doing op!!
Not your problem to solve. It really isn't.

@Orangesandlemons77 boundaries is definitely the one. I literally asked one thing of her on Christmas day and I feel this escalation was the result. I really tried to make this Christmas lovely for her as she has a rough few months, got her lovely presents and a stocking, nice food, made sure she didn't have to lift a finger, and somehow I ended up having the worst Christmas I've had in years.

Given how your mother behaves I am not surprised she is on her own; she will drive people away. You probably also remind her of your dad; a man whom she has always hated. Do you still see your dad now?.

Its not your fault she is like this and you have not made her that way either. What does your brother think of her, I guess he is not bothered all that much if at all about his mother.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got and for that you need mental and physical distance from her. Drop the rope she holds out to you.

I daresay too you would not put up with a friend saying all that so do not tolerate it from your mother. What are your boundaries like re her anyway; they do not seem all that good and need to be raised. For instance you do not have to host her for Christmas any more and I would think you only did this because you felt obligated to do so. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many unwanted legacies toxic parents leave their now adult children.

She sounds incredibly immature. Who behaved in that way in company? You have nothing but my utmost it sounds very challenging. I think at best you need to reduce your contact with her to whatever level doesn’t affect your MH.

You didn't do anything wrong. She was really rude and behaved like a total brat.
I think next year you don't invite her. If she thinks she can behave like this with no consequences, then she will never change.
I'm not saying go nc , but low contact might be best - short meet ups, or text communication rather than extended visits.

What does TLDR mean?

Don't let anyone treat you this way! Stop making excuses for her. She is an adult! She is responsible for her own conduct. She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and as such should not be pandered to.

Making someone cry, continuing to berate them while crying, and the next morning continuing in the same vein.. I mean come on, that's simply abusive!

What do you think you owe her at this point? Go no contact and fill your life with happy experiences!

I definitely won't be having her next year. DH's work dependant we will go away, or I will go to a friend's. Even spending the day alone would be preferable!

I'm very close with my father and feel she has always been somewhat resentful or jealous of this, especially since they fell out earlier this year (that's a whole other thread in itself).

She really embarrassed me on Boxing Day, not just with the stories but with her drunkenly shouting over everyone. She has only met DH's family once or twice and they are very different to my family.

Low contact seems my best option right now definitely. I sent her a new year message and she tried to call me but I just couldn't bring myself to answer it.

I'm really glad I posted now - it's nice to get this all out and also realise I'm not being a bad person, as she would have me believe.

I would go NC

What's annoying is I am in no way like this with anyone but her! I am not a pushover by any means, I consider myself a strong woman, all my achievements have been mine and mine alone, I created a wonderful life for myself, but she just can't seem to be happy for me.

The only apology I got was a text that said "sorry for being drunk and angry".

I told her that the child comment was one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me. I have chosen not to have children and the fact that somebody could use that against me in an argument astounds me.

Sorry for all the long posts 🤣

The fact you asked something of her was committing what they call 'narcissistic injury'. She was there to be admired/entertained/served, not to be doing things that were well below her. So you had to be punished for that.

She had to spoil it for you anyway, even if you hadn't asked anything of her, but it would be especially sweet for her doing so knowing how much effort you had put in to make it a good day.

What was she like with your birthdays?

I would email her detailing everything she did and said which you didn't like abd which was hurtful and then tell her that you want NC for a few months. Send all replies to delete, block on phone.

What's annoying is I am in no way like this with anyone but her!

That's because she's the only person who behaves like this with you. There is no winning with these people, the only thing you can do is protect yourself from her and have as little contact as possible.

The children comment was designed to cut you where it hurt the most. Her behaviour is intentional. If she is a narcissist it's not just the drink talking.

@Dodecaheidyin wow, I just read about narc injury and that was a real eye opener. A lot of points really hit home. I'll look more into that, thank you.

I don't really remember my birthdays when I was young tbh. Maybe a couple of parties here and there but no concrete memories. I have, however, been married twice and there were lots of "shoulds" and forcefully requests around my weddings. She actually wore a grey wedding dress to my first wedding.

I had someone difficult who always upset me and put me on edge (not my parents they were/are great). Anyway when I turned 50 I said to myself SlowHorses for your birthday present to yourself you never need see X again. Sounds silly and I did it spontaneously but I stuck to it and 6 years later it’s still one of the best things I’ve done. Life is so much easier. Just because someone is a relative doesn’t mean you have to put up with their bad behaviour.

I think your decision to go low contact is a good one. Someone like your mother will, sadly, never change or be able to properly understand your perspective.

If I were you I’d have a long break from her, maybe a month with no contact. Then restart contact with very strict boudaries- things like limited number of phone calls, only short visits instead of extended visits, 1-2-1 visits instead of including her in your wider family/friends event.

Just don’t let her guilt you. She is responsible for her actions and the boudaries in places are what you need to keep yourself safe from her toxic behaviour.

was your parents break up related to this type of behaviour?

I disagree with that, it would just be feeding her, giving her ammunition and rewarding her by showing her how much she'd hurt the OP.

Tempting though it is to tell these people exactly what you think of them, grey rock is the way forward for any contact that can't be avoided.

Likely your dm doesn’t want you to be an independent dc with your own opinions.
Tell your dm that if she thinks she was a good parent then she should have confidence in your ability to adult. If she’s infantilising you then she was a rubbish parent when you were growing up.

I agree with @Ladybug14 , don’t go into an explanation, grey rock is best path.

She actually wore a grey wedding dress to my first wedding.

Why am I not surprised. She wanted to take the attention away from you and get people talking about and feeling sorry for her that she was a victim/grieving, for whatever BS reason, rather than your happy day. Bloody hell.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow shitty behaviour on both sides afaik, with my father showing much more emotion. I was 17 so tried to keep away from it as much as I could, moved out before I was 18.

@Anotherbloomingchristmas with my perfect 20/20 hindsight, yes she was a shitty parent, and still is. DH and I have been together for 8 years, and he couldn't believe the criticisms towards me, disguised as backhanded compliments, when he first met her.

MN is better than therapy sometimes, very grateful for all this input. I've never really discussed issues with my mother at much length.

Ha! Grey rock for the grey dress!