Issues with my mother over Christmas... Can't shake it off. Any thoughts?

[Motherissues100]

NC for this. I've gone to post several times and deleted it, but I can't stop stewing. This will be long, apologies!

My mother stayed with me and DH (who was working the majority of the time) for 4 nights over Christmas. Her and my father have been divorced for 20 years, used to be the best of friends but recently fallen out, so we were all apart for Christmas. She's not taken the falling out well and I have tried to be there and support her but it's difficult to hear her badmouth my dad.

My mother loves to argue and debate about absolutely ANYTHING, and I tend to limit my time with her to one or two nights (she lives 300 miles away). She is very loud, belligerent and overly opinionated, without always knowing her facts.

We had a good night out Christmas eve. Christmas day morning equally as ok. DH wakes up from nightshift, we do presents, I go to cook. She immediately tries to engage DH in rather one sided debates about immigration, the NHS, male suicide, trans issues. This is far from a one off. She is very transphobic, vehemently against immigration and believes she is centre right, but a lot of her views seem far right to me (I'm very much left!). I ask if we can not have these conversations on Christmas day, she takes the piss out of me and says they're just talking. DH literally just walked away to get away from the conversation. Dinner and the rest of the night are spent in almost silence.

Boxing day I had DH's family over. She is again very overbearing in conversation, incredibly loud (DH with ear issues had to put earplugs in) and seems to very much enjoy telling stories which she knows will embarrass me. She gets drunk, my in laws leave at about 9.

We stay up for a bit longer, I mention that I'm worried about the mortgage increase we're facing next year. She tells me I have no right to be worried as we have 2 incomes and she survives on one. This descended into an argument where I cried a lot (I don't do well in arguments), where she told me to "fuck off and speak to my dad", and that she was glad I didn't have kids because I couldn't "behave the way I do". I apparently have no right to be upset about anything at all (I have MH issues which she doesn't know about as she doesn't believe MH is a thing 😒 it's just easier not to tell her).

I went to bed very upset and barely slept, but was willing just to draw a line under it the next morning. She couldn't help herself and argued that I was lying when I said I only had 2 hours sleep. I lost it then and put her in an expensive Uber to her friends house on the other side of London, and missed seeing DH's grandparents.

She has been trying to call since and I just don't want to speak to her. I have text a couple of times to make sure she got home ok.

Why am I stewing on this? My mum is very much on her own except for me and my brother and I feel like maybe I should just not have challenged her and kept the peace. Is she taking her issues with my father out on me?

I just don't really know how to move forward and would appreciate any thoughts. Congratulations if you made it this far!

TLDR - my mother is belligerent, right wing and argumentative and seems to think I cannot have any worries because I have a mortgage and 2 incomes.

Just sometimes, me and my mum can have a really nice time together and I forget everything. Then she starts with her arguing over nothing

That's typical narcissistic abuse. They give you good times (and can seem quite normal and loving) then just when you begin to relax they cut you right back down to size where they think you belong.

I also really missed my dad.

Did your mother know this? That will have been another narcissistic injury to her, for which you had to be punished.

Best thing you did was getting her in an Uber! You are not responsible for her being alone, she is. She is an attention seeking narc. Go lc/nc and be guilt free.

It sounds really narcissistic, I’ve had close experience with a few, especially my father.

The only room for doubt I’d have is in the case of subtle parental alienation/undermining from a very young age - younger than you could remember. Because it is really crazy making to the target parent. This happened in my DH’s family, the worst case of parental alienation I’ve ever seen, but didn’t have the words for it at the time.

DH did see it after we had children, and also once he realised that it was a family pattern and his DM wasn’t the only woman this happened to in his family they’d done the same damage to his cousins’ relationship with his aunt.

The way she was treated and spoken about was utterly shocking when she was simply and understandably trying to survive abuse and isolation - which did make her present as quite erratic and bitter when I first met her. DH did see it in the end and was so glad he did before the end of her life, and she did find peace, safety, and joy again.

I hope that isn’t the case here, just wanted to say that undermining of the other parent’s bond can be really subtle and start very young - and, if, like my MIL, you wouldn’t walk away from it/your children - it could make someone very mad looking

We stay up for a bit longer, I mention that I'm worried about the mortgage increase we're facing next year. She tells me I have no right to be worried as we have 2 incomes and she survives on one. This descended into an argument where I cried a lot (I don't do well in arguments), where she told me to "fuck off and speak to my dad", and that she was glad I didn't have kids because I couldn't "behave the way I do". I apparently have no right to be upset about anything at all (I have MH issues which she doesn't know about as she doesn't believe MH is a thing 😒 it's just easier not to tell her).

Your mother is an overbearing, attention-hogging bully & THIS is why you "don't do well in arguments" & very probably the root cause of the MH issues you manage.

You have done well not to discuss your MH with her.
Usually, I'd advise for you to go Grey Rock, but her behaviour is so extreme & overbearing I suspect it would not work - she would have an argument alone in a room even if everyone else refused to engage?

But your & DB's idea that the way to handle her is not to challenge her is wrong.
You can kowtow as much as you like, but she WILL find something to put you in the wrong about.
She was able to cheerfully inform you that she knew more about the 2 hours sleep you got than you do FFS.

You are probably correct that she has a personality disorder.
But your focus needs to be less on her, less on WHY she is such a godawful bitch to you (& everyone!), & more on how you protect yourself.
Here is the lovely Dr Ramani, who's clinical expertise & compassionate understanding of the impact on victims is outstanding - I hope you find comfort & support from her wisdom -

Right now, you realise you have the option to ... do NOTHING, right?
It's ok to just give yourself some space.
To not be the person responsible for reconciliation.
To not pander to her constant need for validation through melodrama.
You can take a few days, just to settle yourself, maybe do some background reading/video education, & not make any decisions.
Would that be a relief, for a while? THIS IS NOT ON YOU. You are not obliged to respond.

It wasn't the asking one thing of her that set her off.
She was ALWAYS going to ruin your xmas.

It's what narcs do.
Look back to significant occasions in your childhood - yours & DB birthdays, holidays, other people's celebrations. How many of these mysteriously became ... all about her?

ha, @Dodecaheidyin - crosspost, & BINGO. I bet there are decades of DM acting out at family celebrations.

She actually wore a grey wedding dress to my first wedding.
😂😂😂😂😡

Excuse me OP I will get myself under control in a minute.

Oh she is OUTRAGEOUS.
Get you to Dr Ramani pronto, for solace & comfort!

I resonate with so many posts on here. Had my first explosive row with my mother early November and first for 3 years. Because I let my guard down. Mum and Dad divorced also years ago.
On reflection she came to my (tiny) house with an agenda and it all came to fruition for her. I have been left in turmoil. Constant conflict-ion; she’s your mum, the kids grandma, she has no one except my brother (who lives on the other-side of the world gracing everyone with his presence once a year). I managed to avoid all of my ‘family’ this Christmas due to illness and kids being at their dad’s. My ex-H remembers her shenanigans very well which is a comfort.
BUT the way she went off at me was the first time the kids (in bed) were old enough to hear her underlying venom for me. My boyfriend took flight. It was bloody HORRENDOUS. We were both drunk which was my mistake as I had clearly forgotten the 3 years ago row which ended up in her neighbour calling the police and she told them I hit her. Utter bollocks.
But until she acts like this I forget how clever and manipulative she is and her disdain for me. How it’s always been. She’s jealous whenever I feel like I am happy. I guess I always pursue the relationship with her loving pull which turns to shit. SO very manipulative and bright.
I am trying to be nc atm but it’s VERY difficult. I am not sure what to do myself as it’s like an angel / devil on each shoulder.
Just wanted to add that you are not alone !

@KettrickenSmiled I've planned a holiday for DH's 40th and have invited some of his family and our friends out for a couple of night as a surprise. When I told her, she immediately said "and me". I had to remind her that it's not her family and not about her!

@KettrickenSmiled just sent your first post, will watch that tonight, thank you! And yes, everything is pretty spot on. She could start an argument with her own shadow.

If you haven't already been punished for that you will be. Possibly twice. Be prepared.

@IronNeonClasp have you tried writing down the events when your mother is abusive? It might help, as has been said before, to get it out of your head and onto paper but also to read over when she's in her pulling you in mode, so you can protect yourself against her manipulation.

Such great advice and such sad stories where people have remained in contact.

Please start writing things down, I think you would find it very cathartic.

Well done for putting her in a taxi.

You need an extended period of no contact so that you can really see the wood from the trees here.
Space from her will help you see just how ugly this relationship is.

Never ever have her in your home again.
Make that promise to yourself and your husband.
It gives her too much power.

If you ever see her again, do it in public only so you can get up and walk away. That gives YOU power.

She made a holy show of herself deliberately to embarass you in front of your inlaws.
Never ever give her that power again.
Not fair on you, your husband, or his family.

Find the money for counselling, above everything.

You sound like such a lovely woman, who has carved out a successful life inspite of an abusive childhood and continuing this abusive relationship to this day.

Let this awful Christmas count for something.

Let it be a turning point for you and your husband.

You are very caught up in FOG (fear, obligation, grief) look it up.
That unfortunately is keeping you in this abusive relationship.

I mean this very gently and kindly when I write, that your husband deserves better than this.

It was his Christmas too, and she destroyed it.
Never allow her to do that to the man you love again.
If it's hard to do it for yourself that's ok.
But do it for your husband.

Over the years friends of mine had various issues that they tolerated with different family, but they all found the strength to enforce tough boundaries when they saw it affect those they love.

Do not call her again.
Text grey rock responses, but leave it days to respond and think of archiving her number so it doesn't pop up to upset you.
Get some counselling and start reading up on the excellent suggestions here.

She is a poison that is in your life.
You and your husband deserve peace.

NEVER allow her entry to your home again, for your husband's sake as much as yours.

Oh and expect some health emergency/ crisis to happen so that she can try and reel you back in.

Or you may be contacted by someone (flying monkeys) telling you that your mother is so upset.

Send them away with a flea in their ear.

If you decide to have children I'd seriously consider going NC with her;I wouldn't be exposing any children to her negativity,criticism,racism,bigotry or homophobia.

She's a right piece of work.No guesses as to why your parents are divorced.For your own well being and to protect your mental health your need to go LC with her.I'm sorry she ruined Christmas by being a complete cow.

Thank you again for all your input and advice, it really has helped. I will definitely be taking a lot of these points on board moving forward.

So sorry to hear that so many of us are in the same boat.

Unmumsnetty hugs and thanks again x