Issues with my mother over Christmas... Can't shake it off. Any thoughts?

[Motherissues100]

NC for this. I've gone to post several times and deleted it, but I can't stop stewing. This will be long, apologies!

My mother stayed with me and DH (who was working the majority of the time) for 4 nights over Christmas. Her and my father have been divorced for 20 years, used to be the best of friends but recently fallen out, so we were all apart for Christmas. She's not taken the falling out well and I have tried to be there and support her but it's difficult to hear her badmouth my dad.

My mother loves to argue and debate about absolutely ANYTHING, and I tend to limit my time with her to one or two nights (she lives 300 miles away). She is very loud, belligerent and overly opinionated, without always knowing her facts.

We had a good night out Christmas eve. Christmas day morning equally as ok. DH wakes up from nightshift, we do presents, I go to cook. She immediately tries to engage DH in rather one sided debates about immigration, the NHS, male suicide, trans issues. This is far from a one off. She is very transphobic, vehemently against immigration and believes she is centre right, but a lot of her views seem far right to me (I'm very much left!). I ask if we can not have these conversations on Christmas day, she takes the piss out of me and says they're just talking. DH literally just walked away to get away from the conversation. Dinner and the rest of the night are spent in almost silence.

Boxing day I had DH's family over. She is again very overbearing in conversation, incredibly loud (DH with ear issues had to put earplugs in) and seems to very much enjoy telling stories which she knows will embarrass me. She gets drunk, my in laws leave at about 9.

We stay up for a bit longer, I mention that I'm worried about the mortgage increase we're facing next year. She tells me I have no right to be worried as we have 2 incomes and she survives on one. This descended into an argument where I cried a lot (I don't do well in arguments), where she told me to "fuck off and speak to my dad", and that she was glad I didn't have kids because I couldn't "behave the way I do". I apparently have no right to be upset about anything at all (I have MH issues which she doesn't know about as she doesn't believe MH is a thing 😒 it's just easier not to tell her).

I went to bed very upset and barely slept, but was willing just to draw a line under it the next morning. She couldn't help herself and argued that I was lying when I said I only had 2 hours sleep. I lost it then and put her in an expensive Uber to her friends house on the other side of London, and missed seeing DH's grandparents.

She has been trying to call since and I just don't want to speak to her. I have text a couple of times to make sure she got home ok.

Why am I stewing on this? My mum is very much on her own except for me and my brother and I feel like maybe I should just not have challenged her and kept the peace. Is she taking her issues with my father out on me?

I just don't really know how to move forward and would appreciate any thoughts. Congratulations if you made it this far!

TLDR - my mother is belligerent, right wing and argumentative and seems to think I cannot have any worries because I have a mortgage and 2 incomes.

Haha! Apt!

Yes. I do think grey rock is a good way to go

But I'd like a paper trail for my own memory, to make sure I dont forget the detail - perhaps type the email but keep it in drafts?

Sorry OP, that sounds awful.
You owe your mother nothing, she's on her own because she's a dick and her continued shitty behaviour towards people is going to (and should!) continue to impact her and how many people choose to be around her.
It's not your job to change her, and she's proven that she's not open to change - any discussion for her is clearly just a chance to hear herself shout. I think if you try to rehabilitate this relationship it's going to hurt you more for a longer time than it would to work on accepting that it's not what you would have hoped for from a mother, and gently putting it to rest for yourself.
Maybe a new year's gift to yourself could be to invest in some excellent counselling to help you with this and your existing MH issues - you can count on yourself so building up your own self esteem and strength is a much better investment than pouring love, effort and resources into the bottomless pit that is your mother.
Good luck OP xxx

I'm so sorry your horrible mother ruined your Christmas.

I've been where you are. I have two brothers, one older, one younger, and our childhood was a lot like a military one (my father was a diplomat and we moved around the world - mainly in one where then called 3rd World countries, a lot).

We only accompanied my father because my mother couldn't trust him to be faithful if he was on his own. It was a horrible, stressful childhood that ruined our educations etc and even ruined my younger brother's health to the point he had a heart attack at 30 (luckily he's still with us).

My father finally left my mother for another woman as soon as my younger brother turned 18. That was 34 years ago, and since then, to my mother he's the devil incarnate. Everything that has gone wrong in her adult life is his fault. It's impossible to have a conversation with her where if he is mentioned (even accidentally) she doesn't go off in a long very nasty rant about him. She's told us all stuff about their marriage that as their children we really didn't/don't need to know. Totally inappropriate. She can't stand the fact that myself and my older brother are the spitting image of my father, and often says that to us as an insult. She blames me for my father's exit affair, saying that I made him 'feel old' by getting married at 21 (my father was 42). She emotionally blackmailed us all into going full no contact with my father when he left...I've had zero contact with him since.

She's also angry with us all because none of us have had children ourselves...we are all in our 50s now, so it's not going to happen.

I intentionally live on the other side of the world from her. Very low contact, speak to her on the phone every couple of months or so. Haven't seen her in nearly 14 years. I've had serious mental health problems since I was 12, was diagnosed as bipolar at 23. For the last 5 years I've also been having treatment for C-PTSD.

Anyway, my long post is to let you know you are not alone. Like others have said, the best thing you could do is to keep being low contact with her, and when you do see her, immediately shut the conversation down when she starts with her nastiness. If she's in your home, you make her leave...and vice versa if you are with her/in public. She won't like it of course, but the days of pandering to her nastiness should be well and truly over for you now.

Make 2023 the year where you put your mental health first.

Thank you @SnackyOnassis. I have been considered therapy for several issues that I've never dealt with, family stuff included. I've done CBT before but definitely need something a bit deeper! I think I'll look at my finances and see where I can move some money around.

any discussion for her is clearly just a chance to hear herself shout. - you have just summed my mother up in a single sentence.

She sounds truly awful. You're right to create some space.

@sianiboo I'm so sorry you and your family have been through such hardships. Isn't it incredible what one person can do.

Like your mother, she hates I look like my father and the fact we're very close. My dad is grounded, funny and gives the best advice, and she knows I would always rather go to him.

You need to switch who’s in charge here. You’re now an adult woman with a family and she’s a lonely eccentric (to put it nicely!) with no-one but you by the sounds of it.

You need to adopt a “behave yourself or we won’t have you round”, “mother, you’re being rude again” kind of attitude.

Yes, I always think it's a good idea to get the happenings down on paper as a reminder to yourself should you ever find yourself wavering and also for getting it out of your system. Sometimes it can take many writings! (as well as talking about it to those who understand I think).

I think it's a really good idea to write down everything she's done, but not send any letter to her directly.
My aunt is a nasty piece of work and has written very nasty letters to my mum. My mum got rid of them, but over the years her memory has softened the awfulness of them. I think it would have been good to keep them and have a written record of just how nasty she can be - to protect herself whenever she's tempted to give her yet another chance to behave like a decent human being. Some people just aren't capable of it and you just hurt yourself by constantly trying with them.
Mothers know how to hit you where it really hurts and it's a terrible think to have a cruel one.
Keeping her at arms length is the best you can do, if you don't want to cut ties completely.

OP I don;t know if this will help at all but there is a thread you could search up called Quotes from Narsassistic mothers(and support thread for their victims)Thread 1 and thread 2....you are so not alone in your experiences its a real eye opener.Just thought it may give you some insight how other mumsnetters deal with similar situations.

Thank you @creamwitheverything , I'll look that up x

TLDR?

Too long; didn't read.

Writing things down on here has really helped - I'll definitely draft something properly.

Why would anyone put up with this cut her out of your life she doesnt deserve to be a part of it

There's an obvious reason why she's very much on her own.

She should be left to figure it out for herself.

I very much agree that you should write down what you recall, a memo to self.

I recently came across some notes I made about exH. Ghastly things he said and did that I had put out of my mind. Utterly awful.

I think writing it all down ultimately meant just didn't carry this junk around in my head but at the time it served to reassure me that I wasn't imagining how abusive he was.

you are not responsible for her well-being.
Even your husband has to put in earplugs and endure her? It is time to take stock of your own life, your own happiness, and protect yourself above all things.
You, yourself, deserve your strength and protection.
When you put her needs above your own, you are sending yourself a message that your distress doesn't matter, and somehow this person who walks all over you takes priority.
A counselor can help you through the inner shift that is going to be necessary to build stronger fences in your life. This woman deserves to be OUTside a larger fence; she is not entitled to your time, not at all. She is not entitled to sit in your home and destroy the peace.

The best thing you did was sticking her in an Uber, maintain that energy!

Don't explain, she will just use it as ammunition, but keep an email in your drafts folder to get it off your chest and remind you how you got here should you feel guilt down the road.

Make your decisions, draw your lines and stick to your boundaries. Let her come to whatever conclusion she comes to.

Hi OP.
My mother is also a Narcissistic. She brings sadness to my life. It has been hard because I wanted a Daughter/Mother relationship with her but i have found peace, it will not happen.

I am the oldest and have 2 siblings. She is very close to my DSis. (I am 10 years older and 14 years older with DB)
Not sure why I have put up with the crap all my life.(I am 51) wouldn't put up with the way I have been treated by a friend.
She and my father had me when they were very young. They were 17. They stayed together but I know life was hard for her. When my parents had my DSis and DB they were in a better position and I helped out alot with my siblings when they were both young. Growing up, she had no interest in me at all, nasty comments, I just never had a mum to talk to. I moved out and was happy.
Have a good job, married with my 3 DC's. I have created my own happy family unit. I just can't understand how as a parent, you can treat a child very differently. I hate any drama so will occasionally see my parents/siblings but it always ends with me feeling sad. (I try not to show it but will speak to my DH)
I was very close to my grandparents, (mothers parents) but recently sent me a letter to say the reason we have never had a daughter/mother relationship is due to my grandparents. She said they talked badly about her to me which is so untrue. My grandparents died a few years ago and were good people. Not once did they say anything bad. They always spoke fondly of my mother and how much they loved her. I told her this and told her it was the cruel words, jealously that has cause problems. She doesn't like my DH. He is a good husband and father plus a great son to his own mother. It doesn't matter what I say, it goes over her head. She isn't a grandparent to my DC's and hadn't any interest in them. The list is endless. When I think we have turned a corner then something else happens. It is a great shame as she had terminal cancer but I have really tried so even with her illness I am walking away. The one thing I have learnt is you can't make someone love you and I am going to put all my energy/love/support into my little family. I love my DC's all the same and unconditionally.
You aren't on your own OP and it can really eat you up inside if you let it, even when you are a different person to others.

@Ihavehairlikeworzelgummidge your first paragraph really hit home with me. Just sometimes, me and my mum can have a really nice time together and I forget everything. Then she starts with her arguing over nothing, and I realise how sad I am. I was absolutely dreading her visit but tried to stay positive as it's Christmas. I also really missed my dad.

I'm so sorry for your troubles x

Well done for sticking her in an Uber!
She won’t change (they can’t), she won’t believe anything is her fault, you can’t make her happy, it’s impossible. Her situation is her own doing and you can’t undo it. Don’t feel guilty.
Going NC or LC is the only way.

Thank you @FictionalCharacter , I'm really trying to push the guilt away as I know I didn't cause this.

I completely sympathise with this. In the last few years my Father has tested our relationship to the absolute edge but as he has no one else except my fairly absent brother I tolerate so much more than I should. Unfortunately some things/events cause irreparable damage and this might be one of these. She has shown zero regard for you so save the big conversations/emails (they’ll be used against you) and just limit contact to whatever you are comfortable with.

I’m sorry- it’s such a horrible thing. You’ve done nothing wrong.