sexual incompatibilities

[orzo15]

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we were friends beforehand. I always knew he was kinky, but its become clear to me that it is definitely a huge part of his sexuality and identity, before he got with me he used a lot of porn and was very active on fetlife, which he deleted and stopped using porn when we got together as he realised it was an addiction and not good for him.

As we've become more serious he's had a lot of doubts about our sexual compatibility, and I think hopes that I will want to join fetlife with him in the future and become part of the kink community, like he was with his ex. We have great sex and i admit its fun trying some new things but its not something I need at all, and his doubts and his sexual 'needs' has left me feeling not enough, and like the boring vanilla girlfriend.

It's so frustrating because we really love each other and get on great for the most part, this is the biggest issue we have where we will say he worries about our compatibility, and this has made me feel insecure. He places sex at the top of the list in a relationship above everything else. He says his doubts are about the future because we have amazing sex but he wants us both to have an explorative sex life, although he can't say specifically what that means to him. Has anyone been in a relationship like this before, or should I just accept that we aren't compatible?

I honestly think it's best to call it off now, unless you're cool with him having other partners to express his kinks with.

I am moderately kinky and it wouldn't work for me trying to be with someone vanilla. Equally it wouldn't work for me to be with someone heavily into things I'm not. I would feel pressured to do things I'm not into and that would make both of us feel shit.

I’m afraid you are incompatible and it will only get worse for you. He’ll be more & more dissatisfied with sex life, put pressure on you to try things you don’t really want to get involved with. At best, you’ll start resenting him and feel bad about self; at worst, you’ll end up feeling exploited sexually; this will have a negative impact on your future sex life.
I’d end the relationship now before more damage is done.

Thank you both for your replies. I think what makes it less clear is that there's nothing specific he's into, he just wants to try new things and scenes etc. and so far we have incorporated a fair bit of that into our sex life, but for me the level we have is enough (mostly vanilla but passionate and very good sex and say every couple of weeks a particularly kinky night).

He has said he wants to be monogamous to me and have his sexual needs met with me, but I think maybe that's just because neither of us can face reality because we really love each other :( we live together as well which makes it more complicated and harder to let go of. I wouldn't even class myself as vanilla particularly but in this relationship I most certainly am which I think is affecting my self esteem.

Hes also made a lot of comments that I need to accept him for who he is and that I need to accept his fantasisies and desires, and he recently told me he was fantasising about someone he had sex with previously and things they did which upset me but he thinks I'm being too insecure about that, and he wants a relationship where we share these fantasies as it will make us stronger. Am I being too insecure here in this regard?

A lot of people wouldn't want to hear about thier bf thinking of having sex with other people so I wouldn't say you are insecure really.

I'm in a similar situation- I have what most people would call kinky desires and my bf does not. We have a great sex life and I've opened his eyes to how great and varied sex can be but it's starting to niggle that he's never going to want to go as far as me. Could counselling help - you sound like you both want this to work?

Hes also made a lot of comments that I need to accept him for who he is and that I need to accept his fantasisies and desires, and he recently told me he was fantasising about someone he had sex with previously and things they did which upset me but he thinks I'm being too insecure about that, and he wants a relationship where we share these fantasies as it will make us stronger. Am I being too insecure here in this regard?

He says, he wants, he doubts, he needs, he comments ...

It's all about him.
It simply has not occurred to him that maybe HE could accept YOU for who you are.

He also says that he prioritises sex above everything else in a relationship.
I would find that shallow. You might not - but he is already pressurising you, making you feel inadequate, & positioning you as being the one who has to accommodate him.

You want different things essentially. He wants a sexually exploratory relationship. You don't. Neither one of you is in the right or in the wrong. You're just different.

In the long term, these differences will make the relationship very difficult unless you'd be prepared to accept him fulfilling his fantasies elsewhere.

From what you've told us, the best scenario would be to cut your losses now and find someone else with whom you're sexually compatible. I know that's not what you want to hear and ending things feels like a difficult and massive decision. But relationships are built on fundamental similarities, and this seems, to an outsider, like too big a difference to overcome.

I'd get rid. There's a line between being honest, and being manipulative to get what you want, and he has crossed it.
In a relationship, you need to feel that you are 'enough'. He will always make you feel like you fall short.

Ugh, I’d leave.
”Kinksters” are often really boring at the end of the, in and out of bedroom.

Now, I don’t know what kind of ”kink” he’s into, but I’d be very wary if it’s in any way violence towards you, I have a lot to say about these kind of men.

Calling you insecure and vanilla are huge red flags, so there were many concerns in your op and I think this dude is not a good person.

You should be sprinting for the hills.

It is very much about his needs and wants which is difficult. He's said it's important to him to have an honest relationship and share these things, and he places honesty above my feelings. We've tried to work out our communication but he is moody and very defensive which makes it hard, although he is a good person. Although we're in our 30s this is his first proper relationship so he hasn't really had much experience

I think although he doesn't pressure me, him saying he wants us to both go on fetlife makes me feel like I'd have to do that to keep him interested. Sex is very important to me and I have a high sex drive but it's not the most important thing in life to me where for him it is, he says he thinks about sex constantly and is always thinking about people hed fuck etc but he loves me and wants to be faithful to me, but I feel like I shouldn't be grateful for that it's just a given in monogamous relationships?

Ah, the ‘this is who I am, I’m being true to myself’ bollocks.

I’m not hearing any willingness to compromise or be flexible- both of which are fundamental to a successful relationship.

SadlyI don’t think he is the right man for you in the long term. Sorry OP.

Throw him back
He's only a boyfriend of 18 months, just end it with Mr Kinkster. Let him go explore every crevice and sample every STD available.

'He's said it's important to him to have an honest relationship and share these things, and he places honesty above my feelings.'

That's not 'honesty', that's him being a selfish, self-centred AH. You deserve better.

I’m reluctant to Google … what is fetlife?

He hasn’t had a proper relationship before…now, I wonder why that is?🤔🫣

he will be unfaithful, sooner rather than later. You could be okay with that, or happy with something more open, who knows ... but it sounds like maybe not. In which case you will just be upset sometime soon

Fetlife is a like kinky social media website where you can find events and follow people and stuff.

I definitely wouldn't be ok with an open relationship and this is my fear that whilst he's adamant he wants monogamy now that down the line this'll change. I don't believe he would be unfaithful as he prides himself on being so honest and trustworthy, but we have different values so whilst he would respect my boundaries he doesn't necessarily have the same ones.

I think I know the truth is that we can't work, I guess I'm seeking validation in some way to acknowledge that. His doubts that he's voiced in the interest of total honesty through the relationship has left me feeling quite shit and full of doubt of myself of what's ok and what's 'normal' in the relationship

DH and I had to work through this - he accepted it was a dealbreaker for me but even so it's been an issue at times in our relationship.

Your DP says sex is the most important thing in the relationship, he wants to have sex in ways you don't want to have sex, and he's subtly pressurising you into doing things you don't want to. That's an unhealthy foundation for a long term commitment.

Leave him. Your emotional needs (and sexual boundaries) are going to be consistently pushed further and further, until you either feel completely worthless and sexually unattractive and undesirable, or (even more likely) he is unfaithful. And then he will justify his infidelity by saying 'even though I've been honest with you, you won't give me what I need so it's actually your fault I cheated'.

Just get out now and find someone who will love and value you for the amazing person you are, and who will share and respect your libido and sexual boundaries.

He's said it's important to him to have an honest relationship and share these things, and he places honesty above my feelings.
Oh dear.
He's not a very logical man is he?
Your feelings ARE honest.
Why does he place them in a bracket separate from honesty?
What he is really telling you here is that your feelings are not valid, but his are.

We've tried to work out our communication but he is moody and very defensive which makes it hard, although he is a good person.
"Moody & very defensive" does NOT equal "good person".

Although we're in our 30s this is his first proper relationship so he hasn't really had much experience
Everyone in their 30's has had relationships. They might not have had sustained, exclusive romantic relationships - but they know what people are, & how they relate to each other.
You don't need to make excuses for his inability (or unwillingness) to communicate.

His doubts that he's voiced in the interest of total honesty through the relationship has left me feeling quite shit and full of doubt of myself of what's ok and what's 'normal' in the relationship
It was meant to.
He sounds like one of those painful bores who bang on about how "honest" they are when in reality, they are just tactless, selfish, & insensitive.
he is deliberately creating doubt in you, He WANTS you to be questioning yourself. He has already embarked on a campaign to break down your boundaries. He makes you feel inadequate. You're already wondering whether he'll cheat (& selling yourself the notion that he won't, as if that deserves a special prize) if you don't participate in enough kink for him.

He says his doubts are about the future because we have amazing sex but he wants us both to have an explorative sex life, although he can't say specifically what that means to him.
"Just letting you know that I'm not fully satisfied with our sex life & am putting it out there that soon you won't be enough for me, & I want you to worry about that. However, I won't say what I actually want, because that would give you some solid ground to base a decision about whether to stay with me on, so I will keep it vague & disconcerting."

^^

Agree with @KettrickenSmiled .. her post says everything I wanted to, but so much better.

You are still very young, don't waste your youth on a pathway to self doubt and heartbreak.

Hes also made a lot of comments that I need to accept him for who he is and that I need to accept his fantasisies and desires, and he recently told me he was fantasising about someone he had sex with previously and things they did which upset me but he thinks I'm being too insecure about that

THIS IS NOT OK.

If he were a vanilla sex guy, would you accept this appalling manipulation & hurtfulness? I bloody well hope not.

Note how he is already instructing you that YOU need to accept his fantasies & desires.
Not only do you NOT have to accept them - you need to have a cool-headed think about why it's not on his radar to accept YOUR fantasies & desires. Which don't include whatever his more extreme kink is.

You didn't need to hear one word about his sexual fantasy with a third party.
He did it to hurt you. To test your boundaries. To see what you will tolerate.
Then he had the brass fucking neck to tell you that you are insecure? Of course you feel insecure about YOUR BOYFRIEND making you an unwilling participant in his fantasies about other people! THAT WAS HIS INTENTION.

You are being deliberately undermined.
This isn't about sex - it's about power & control.
I think you should quit while you're ahead. He is moody, can't communicate, manipulative, demanding & a sexual mismatch to you.

I think it's common, probably normal, for men to fantasise about sex with people other than their DP. As a man myself I certainly do that sometimes. But I would not discuss them with my DW or suggest that she was somehow inadequate because she did not act out these fantasies. Yes sex is an important part of any relationship but it it is not the only factor. Your DP sounds obsessed and is putting too much pressure on you.

I think I know the truth is that we can't work, I guess I'm seeking validation in some way to acknowledge that. His doubts that he's voiced in the interest of total honesty through the relationship has left me feeling quite shit and full of doubt of myself of what's ok and what's 'normal' in the relationship

Your feelings are valid.
It's ok to finish this relationship.

Look at how many times you have used the word "honest".
He's not being honest - he is brandishing a word at you as a distraction, while making you feel like shit & full of self-doubt.

You seem to be experiencing cognitive dissonance about what is happening here. That's understandable "he can't be a bad man - he's my b/f!"
But look at this without the rose-tinted specs.
He is actively undermining your sense of what is normal in a relationship. Of what's ok in a relationship. Because he wants you feeling so doubtful that you abandon your OWN reality & start to accept his.

That's not honesty - it's manipulation, pure & simple.
He's bullshitting you.
And he wants to control you.

Think about it - if sex is THE most important thing to him in a relationship, why is he not with a fellow-kinkster?
Maybe his kink is the transgression. The slow erosion of your boundaries, the turning a 'good girl' into his puppet.

I'm not kink-shaming btw. Kink between consenting adults is just not a problem. But there IS a problem with abuse of power in the kink community, & a distinct divide between those who follow the safety rules & ethical guidelines (hint - it's all about CONSENT) & those who get off on abusing people while shaming them for not being 'up for it'.

And there it is:
”We've tried to work out our communication but he is moody and very defensive”
A moody, defensive man who is frankly trying to coerce you into doing things you don’t want is NOT a good person.
”Although we're in our 30s this is his first proper relationship”
Because he’s pornsick. He’s admitted he used to be addicted to it, and he places sex top of the list in a relationship. And he wants YOU to change.