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Original poster

sexual incompatibilities

69 replies

orzo15 · 02/01/2023 11:45

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we were friends beforehand. I always knew he was kinky, but its become clear to me that it is definitely a huge part of his sexuality and identity, before he got with me he used a lot of porn and was very active on fetlife, which he deleted and stopped using porn when we got together as he realised it was an addiction and not good for him.

As we've become more serious he's had a lot of doubts about our sexual compatibility, and I think hopes that I will want to join fetlife with him in the future and become part of the kink community, like he was with his ex. We have great sex and i admit its fun trying some new things but its not something I need at all, and his doubts and his sexual 'needs' has left me feeling not enough, and like the boring vanilla girlfriend.

It's so frustrating because we really love each other and get on great for the most part, this is the biggest issue we have where we will say he worries about our compatibility, and this has made me feel insecure. He places sex at the top of the list in a relationship above everything else. He says his doubts are about the future because we have amazing sex but he wants us both to have an explorative sex life, although he can't say specifically what that means to him. Has anyone been in a relationship like this before, or should I just accept that we aren't compatible?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 02/01/2023 13:50

OP, I get the impression that your partner doesn’t want a girlfriend as such, he just wants an actress to perform in his porn fantasies.
What about your needs, wants, desires, self esteem? You should be the most important thing to him, not sex, in relationships. Sex should be something loving, respectful and mutually satisfying for both partners, not a performance target that you are guilt tripped and manipulated into meeting. LTB.

Mari9999 · 02/01/2023 13:54

What's ok and normal for your relationship is what the 2 of you agree to and are willing to adhere. Your boundaries are for you to determine what you will or will not accept. His boundaries are for him to identify and determine what he will or will not accept.

You don't seem to be particularly compatible. That does not mean that either of you is right or wrong in your outlook. What it may mean is that you are wrong for each other.

There are enough men and women in most dating pools that both of you should be able to find someone with whom you are more compatible.

Original poster
orzo15 · 02/01/2023 14:06

Thanks so much for these replies, its really helped to put some things into perspective. I totally get its normal to think about people that aren't your partner, i guess just him telling me has left me feeling i'm not 'cool' enough that I don't like hearing it. Especially as its people he has actually slept with before. I think you are all right that we aren't compatible as painful as it is to accept.

He is absolutely obsessed with sex, and whilst he says he would want to hear my desires and fantasies I am not sure that in reality that is true, its easy to say that when it kind of feels like you know its not something you will have to face if that makes sense. His defensiveness is in arguments in general not just this, but mainly if I have told him say something he has said has upset me he has said that is just him and i need to accept that. For example, he said once 6 month in to our relationship that he will look at a hot woman and doubt whether he is in love with me but then look at me and realises he is. He was trying to say he really loved me but i got upset and said its not a great way to say it and he said i am only hearing what I want to hear and that i need to accept that is who he is he is someone who doubts and someone who will always want to fuck other people but i have nothing to worry about because he does love me and would always be faithful to me and respect my boundaries

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 02/01/2023 14:09

He's a dick. This is completely separate to his sexual desires. There are men out there who are also not vanilla who are NOT dicks, and vanilla men who are.
You'll end up getting your heart trashed here OP. Please be careful

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 14:11

He sounds utterly self centred and immature OP. You deserve better.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 14:22

His defensiveness is in arguments in general not just this, but mainly if I have told him say something he has said has upset me he has said that is just him and i need to accept that.
So he has outright told you that when he has upset you, your role is to suck it up, & he has to take ZERO responsibility for causing upset?

Fucking hell OP.
This is so important I'm saying it again -
So he has outright told you that when he has upset you, your role is to suck it up, & he has to take ZERO responsibility for causing upset?

For example, he said once 6 month in to our relationship that he will look at a hot woman and doubt whether he is in love with me but then look at me and realises he is. He was trying to say he really loved me but i got upset and said its not a great way to say it and he said i am only hearing what I want to hear and that i need to accept that is who he is he is someone who doubts and someone who will always want to fuck other people but i have nothing to worry about because he does love me and would always be faithful to me and respect my boundaries
😂😂😂😂😂
Do you know what? I don't give a flying toss about his desire to eye up & fuck other people. Do you? Why is all the focus on WHAT HE WANTS & WHAT HE IS ORDERING YOU TO ACCEPT, & none on what YOU want?
Do you want a moody b/f who is allowed to upset you but you are not allowed to be upset? (What a mindfuck that is!)
Do you want a sex-obsessed b/f who will always be eyeing up & wanting to fuck other people?

Leave him to his fantasies. There's a reason he's never had a 'proper' relationship - he's not a nice person.
And then please do this course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
because you have spent 18 months subjugating your personal autonomy to a man who likes to upset you, then tell you you're not allowed to be upset.
Flowers

Pokske · 02/01/2023 14:23

Oh dear !
Your man sounds like a pedantic sex obsessed teenager. He thinks sex is the most important in a relationship... Well, what would he do in case you were ill, had an surgical intervention, post partum, ...
If he's moody now, imagiune what he would become like in a difficult situation ?
Also, he's never had a sustained relationship and he's in his thirties ? I wonder how come. Maybe because he's self-centred and manipulative and was sent walking because of his behaviour and his so-called needs ?
Sex is important in a relationship, but it is not the most important thing in the world. I would send him back to his fetlife-friends.

Original poster
orzo15 · 02/01/2023 14:41

Thank you so much and @KettrickenSmiled your reply made me laugh, when you put it to an external person i can see how ridiculous it all sounds.

I'm really sorry to dripfeed but I wanted to put this out there before to get an opinion on this aspect without it being clouded. I am actually pregnant, was not planned. He has not reacted to it very well but is committed now the shock has worn off to being there for me and a coparent if we do split. We took a break over christmas because he thought that we shouldn't be together as we have too many differences (i.e. sex) but be coparents. I was heartbroken and didnt want this but had a week apart. When i came back, during that time although we were on a break (not a very well defined one as we decided to take things slowly and not decide anything yet) he had been sexting someone he used to sleep with. Its devastated me, and he only now can see how wrong it is, he said it meant nothing to him and it was like using porn and he had no intention to meet her, he just needed a distraction from things and he wasn't thinking of me. He only now is acknowledging his relationship with sex is not healthy and that he wants to change it and is deeply sorry for the hurt he caused but loves me etc. It is a dealbreaker for me, but theres a stupid side of me that thinks well we were on a break and he does have a problem with sex so maybe he can get help, but from asking just about the sex differences here its clear to me that even if he did, those differences will always be there and i do deserve better than that

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/01/2023 14:41

what's 'normal' in the relationship

What is 'normal' for me is to explore each others desires and calling a halt if these are not compatible.

Throw this one back. Moody and manipulative is not a good look.

Find one who feels that having you in his life is the best thing ever and who makes you feel like the most desirable goddess

Dery · 02/01/2023 14:56

Please read and re-read and re-read what @KettrickenSmiled has said. And then read it again.

That is a huge drip feed. Of course, you’re now looking to make this relationship work. But it won’t. This man doesn’t love you; not in any meaningful or useful way in any case. He seems to equate love with his level of sexual desire at any given moment (whether for you or someone else) and has no care for your feelings, desires or needs at all; he can be as honest as he likes but if you speak up for yourself, you get told to suck it all up. It’s all just about him. As someone else said upthread, he just wants someone he can enact porn with. This isn’t love. He’s deeply entitled and fucked up and bad news.

That doesn’t mean you can’t co-parent well but don’t look to build a life with this man - he will destroy you emotionally. He’s already started to do so.

Original poster
orzo15 · 02/01/2023 15:02

Thank you @Dery I know sorry, it just made sense for me to say the sex stuff first as that was present before the pregnancy and wanted opinions on that. I think we could coparent well and he does as well, we were friends before and we have many mutual friends. I am also not against being a single parent, i grew up with 2 very unhappy married parents and would never want that for my child. It just feels like it could have been fixable, but i think you are right that this isn't a loving relationship its all about conforming to his sexual needs, and whilst he may work this out over time its not my responsibility to be around whilst he does figure it out

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 15:08

He only now is acknowledging his relationship with sex is not healthy and that he wants to change it and is deeply sorry for the hurt he caused but loves me etc.
Self-serving bullshit.
All about himself as usual.
He wasn't sorry until you caught him out.
Well done for your clearsightedness that this too is a dealbreaker.

80s · 02/01/2023 15:10

Hes also made a lot of comments that I need to accept him for who he is and that I need to accept his fantasisies and desires
I think that he's right, if unwittingly. You do need to accept that this is what he's like - that he's not what you want him to be.

Original poster
orzo15 · 02/01/2023 15:47

@80s yes you're right, both of us are wanting the other to be someone that we aren't and I just need to accept he isn't the man for me as hard as it is

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 02/01/2023 15:49

OP, stop thinking of this as deserving better. Neither of you seem to be a good fit for the other. Incompatibility does not many one of you better or worse than the other.

From your description ,he comes across as a randy teenager, but you have had ample time to make that discovery.

It does not sound as though this was any kind of committed relationship prior to pregnancy.

With luck and hard work there is nothing to prevent you both from being good parents to your child. That is the relationship on which you should both be focused on now.

No one is wrong or a demon because they do not share your perspective or values. Nor can anyone create compatibility where it does not exist. You can sometimes compromise and decide to live with someone

Dery · 02/01/2023 15:59

@orzo15 - so pleased to hear you say you’re not against being a single mum. Some of the most functional families I know have separated parents who are co-parenting well and some of the most functional adults I know grew up in such families. Good luck with your pregnancy!

Original poster
orzo15 · 02/01/2023 16:01

@Dery thats so reassuring to hear, and thank you :)

OP posts:
RestingMurderousFace · 02/01/2023 16:07

harrassedmumto3 · 02/01/2023 12:24

I'd get rid. There's a line between being honest, and being manipulative to get what you want, and he has crossed it.
In a relationship, you need to feel that you are 'enough'. He will always make you feel like you fall short.

This right here ^ nailed it I think.

Skipsaway · 02/01/2023 16:23

Before I saw your update about being pregnant I was going to say, he's selfish controlling and you need to leave him.
Now I see you are pregnant you need to leave him sooner.
He doesn't care about you at all and in years to come you might be back posting about how he insisted you had sex the day your baby was born as he had needs.
Absolutely get rid of him ASAP.
He's a selfish person and I i see nothing but trouble.
Please think carefully

Sunnytwobridges · 02/01/2023 17:23

After reading your last post all I can say is this man is negging you so badly it's disgusting. He's gonna beat you down (emotionally) and where you're going to doubt yourself and end up feeling like you "need" him. Pregnant or not I would get out the relationship now. He means you no good and honestly I doubt he would make a good coparent or parent, especially to a little girl. He's vile.

OhmygodDont · 02/01/2023 18:53

His in his 30’s and still doesn’t know what he actually wants apart from to basically have any kind of sex he wants or fancy’s when he does or doesn’t like a single man and the negging is crazy mad with him, making you feel low or vanilla because your not what swinging from multiple penises or vaginas on fetlife.

Throw him back.

When he matures he might one day make a decent a bf to someone but right now his still a silly 16 year old boy inside.

OatFox · 02/01/2023 18:56

All I can hear here is him him him.

He also has to accept and respect you, the boundaries and limitations to your exploration, and your feelings and comfort while he indulges himself. If he can't do that, plan to leave.

I wouldn't want to hear about my DH's previous partners during sex. That would hurt my feelings and do nothing for me. Am I too sensitive? Maybe. But that's a boundary for me.

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 19:07

I’m afraid given the cracks in your relationship already I can’t see you being a couple with a baby.

You may be able to coparent as a singles but I can’t see him being a patient supportive and faithful partner when you bring sleeplessness, breastfeeding, postpartum and hormonal changes into the mix.

barmycatmum · 02/01/2023 19:17

he sounds completely exhausting. Is this something you see yourself as being able to sustain long term? I just can't imagine going through life, and all the challenges it can throw at one, with a man who wants me to be continually performing new, "exciting" gymnastic feats for his sexual gratification.

That kind of thing can pall after a while - just from personal experience - and then where is the connection? Do you have times where you just cuddle and hold each other? Is he affectionate, or is every moment more about him seeking a dopamine rush?

autienotnaughty · 02/01/2023 19:36

We had a pretty kinky sex life that we mutually enjoyed. However after children I stopped enjoying that side and dh has had to accept our relatively vanilla sex life.