sexual incompatibilities

[orzo15]

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we were friends beforehand. I always knew he was kinky, but its become clear to me that it is definitely a huge part of his sexuality and identity, before he got with me he used a lot of porn and was very active on fetlife, which he deleted and stopped using porn when we got together as he realised it was an addiction and not good for him.

As we've become more serious he's had a lot of doubts about our sexual compatibility, and I think hopes that I will want to join fetlife with him in the future and become part of the kink community, like he was with his ex. We have great sex and i admit its fun trying some new things but its not something I need at all, and his doubts and his sexual 'needs' has left me feeling not enough, and like the boring vanilla girlfriend.

It's so frustrating because we really love each other and get on great for the most part, this is the biggest issue we have where we will say he worries about our compatibility, and this has made me feel insecure. He places sex at the top of the list in a relationship above everything else. He says his doubts are about the future because we have amazing sex but he wants us both to have an explorative sex life, although he can't say specifically what that means to him. Has anyone been in a relationship like this before, or should I just accept that we aren't compatible?

This is making me cringe pregnant or not Iwouldnt want him in my life or my childs he sounds disgusting

he had been sexting someone he used to sleep with. Its devastated me, and he only now can see how wrong it is

Absolute nonsense, he was only a few days into a break from his pregnant girlfriend. He knew it was wrong but didn't care.

It makes me sad and sickened that men like this just get away with it. Your life and the life of your child is going to be nothing but stress and misery if you stay with this nasty little pervert.

all the best op

All I’m hearing from him is Me! Sex sex sex! Excuses! Sex! Me!”
He has a really unhealthy obsession with sex and as someone else said, a wish for someone to enact porn-fuelled fantasies with.
It’s really good that you’re seeing the light.

And this is what happens when you date porn addicts with no relationship skills.

From a very kinky person in a very kinky marriage - run away from this guy. He's a manipulative loser and a baby who thinks porn = real life. Not worth the hassle or the constant bombardment to your self-esteem.

OP, honestly I would find a normal man who gets off on the sight of your body and what you can do to him. Or is happy with normal sex most of the time with the occasional spice.

The problem with these Mr Kinks is that their sex lives and online fetishes have become all encompassing and is what defines them. You can't have a "normal" life as they are always chasing the next orgasm or sexual high. So it only works if both parties are equally into it and you have a lifestyle which enables it.

How do you raise kids with someone like that?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP , I agree with the advice you have given. He probably orchestrated the ‘break’ so that he could text the other woman without being labelled a cheater as such.
Now that you are pregnant it’s time to place baby and yourself above him and his needs. If it was hard to please him beforehand, it will be absolutely impossible with a newborn about. He will resent the baby for interfering with his sex life and the resentment will seep onto you very, very quickly for not being at his service.

Please prioritise yourself and your baby, don’t bring a baby into this already very messy situation.
Good luck!

I'm sorry OP, but before your update I was going to come along and say this is tolerable when you are young and DC free, but not when you add DC to the mix or you get older and your sex drive declines due to menopause or life events.

DH was a bit of a sex pest when DS was a newborn. Looking back now I wish I had clamped down on it more and made him realise how unacceptable it was. It's horrible to be struggling with hardly any sleep, feeling hugely unattractive with leaking breasts and unwashed hair and having someone continually harass you for sex, or indeed wake you up as he did on one awful occasion.

Unfortunately I can't see it working out unless he's prepared to put aside his sexual urges and practices for a fair amount of time.

I think it would be kinder to you both to end it now. You are very clearly sexually incompatible, and this isn't a problem that is going to go away. He isn't going to suddenly become vanilla. You're not going to suddenly discover an appetite for kink. Say thanks for the good times then go your separate ways.

Absolutely this. This is exactly what I came on to say myself.

Also whilst it’s perfectly okay sharing sexual fantasies with your partner, discussing ex sex partners and what they did in bed isn’t something I think most people would want to hear. Nor do I think you need to hear that.

You share fantasies about what you’d like to do. Talking about sex with a person you’ve been intimate with previously, isn’t sharing a fantasy, it’s just unnecessary over sharing and hurtful to your partner.

He sounds pretty selfish and self absorbed to be honest.

Oh noooooo

if This is his no 1 hobby and interest
its only going to get worse

I’d get out early whilst your self esteem still exists and isn’t in tatters

also if he really focuses his whole identity around this …. That’s a bit … strange tbh

Ok I missed your update about the pregnancy and week break.

The fact that he was already sexually messaging someone else, should show you just how quickly his words turn. He keeps banging on about accepting your boundaries, but he’s already crossed them.

The moods and defensiveness when you try and discuss how he’s crossed your boundaries and upset you, show him to be a gaslighting, manipulative little prick.

If you chose to stay together, what happens when you’re more heavily pregnant and not in the position to have sex? He’ll be off getting his rocks off elsewhere that’s what.

He sounds completely immature, selfish, entitled and manipulative. Everything is constantly about him and what he wants. And he tries to gaslight you into doing it.

As scary as it may feel, if you’re keeping the baby I would absolutely go it alone. This man isn’t even emotionally mature or capable of being in a relationship, let alone being a father.

You will be much happier long term if you end it now. He is selfish, he doesn’t care about your feelings or your needs. It didn’t take him long to be off sexting someone else…without a care for you. Its all about his needs.

And if you stay together, how will that affect your sex life once baby arrives? Is he going to expect you to service him once you’ve dealt with the baby? I don’t see him as someone getting involved with a baby… I think you’re better off on your own.

You will find it easier with just one baby demanding things from you!

Pp's with the "he will try to push you into things you don't want to do, erode your self esteem" and "Kingskerswell are boring in and out of bed" 🙄 already with the narrow minded kink shaming bollocks you're the ones who are boring. OP, if you're not compatible and not happy, end it. There's no point trying to be someone you're not. Good luck.

Nobody's shaming him for kink.
They're shaming him for being a selfish, boundary-trampling, undermining prick.

HTH

Thank you everyone. I feel quite embarrassed reading this back, because if someone else posted this id be wondering why on earth they are staying. I am such an independent person when I'm single, and before him I was single for 2 years and it was great.

I don't know if it's because we have mutual friends or that we live together and now obviously I'm pregnant but I've convinced myself so much because we love each other things can change and he always seems really willing to communicate. But it's clear now that he has pushed my boundaries and made me question whether I'm insecure and nothings changing.

He really tried to make me believe the sexting didn't mean anything and thought I was overreacting initially when I started crying until I was very firm that I would not be gaslit into being told I shouldn't be upset by this and then he could see how wrong it was, but before that said he just hadn't thought of me at all in the moment which hurt like hell to hear

im sorry you’re going through all of this. so stressful and upsetting

however your guy sounds awful. Genuinely awful. As sad as it’ll be you’re totally better off rid. Hes an actual loser.

That's a 'fuck off' from me.