When you find your boundaries with men, online dating is shocking isn't it!

[Roseberry1]

Especially for me, who lacked boundaries in the past. I've been on different dating apps for 18 months and most of the dates I went on in the beginning were awful or ended in a one night stand (don't judge me 🙁) because I was just blind to the signs.

Over the past 8 months I've not bothered going on any dates and just flicked through Match.com as i have a subscription whilst rarely swiping right and have become happy being alone, although it would still be nice to meet someone. I've been reading up on red flags online and mn etc.

Over New Year though I thought right, I'm going to actually start swiping right more, I joined Hinge and Bumble as well as Match. But it's just rubbish isn't it! You "Match" but they don't bother sending a first message unless you do most of the time and the 3 conversations over the past couple of days I've had were shocking!

First one asked for my number within a few sentences of chat. I said no, we can chat here please as i knew nothing about them. They said "oh that's fine, but I don't check Hinge that often that's all." I mean whaaat? If you're chatting to a potential good date then you'd make the effort to check! It's hardly an effort to press on the Hinge app on your phone instead of WhatsApp etc! I changed my number last summer for a fresh start and won't give it out like I would have done before. Surely that's what the chat in the apps are for?

Second one he was talking sexual within a few sentences and turns out was just looking for hook ups despite his profile saying otherwise.

Third guy, well he has really tested my boundaries as in the past I have gotten sucked in to this type of guy trying to prove "I'm not like the others."

I'm going to post the third one in a separate post as I want you guys to tell me if I was being overly cautious or if he was a big red flag. 🙂

It's pretty dire on the apps. Do you have opportunities to meet men IRL?

Third guy, I was pleased to match with him as his profile was good and the conversation started well. He'd been single for a year and had just joined match on New Year. The initial conversation was good. Then the first red flag occurred when he said:

" I've been married once, left her in 2011, and divorced 2012. Have one daughter with her, but she lives in (another county hours away). My recent ex (whom he was with 2 years and engaged) again left her due to similar reasons I left my wife. I seem to attract narcissistic women."

I thought woah, slagging of exes already only 10 minutes into the chat, plus I noticed he made a point of saying "he left them," with didn't make me feel very good. I was intrigued about the narcissistic label as I usually associate that with men, so I asked him what attributes are in narcissistic women? He replied:

"Controlling, mentally damaging tendencies, lost contact with friends and family, everything always on their terms, creating a loss of identity in myself and taking advantage of my good nature."

I thought ok, I've had that happen to me so I guess a man could experience that too. I asked If he's managed to heal from it and gain closure to which he said "yes which is why I'm ready to meet someone." (It didn't appear that way!)

I then asked how old his daughter was? She's 11. In my head I thought if she's 11 now, he left her mum when this kid was a baby! But I didn't say anything, I just asked if he got to see her as she lives further away. He said "Not so much, she's too cool to hang out with daddy and spare time she has would rather hang out with friends." I thought not at 11 they don't favour their friends, mate. It screamed out that he doesn't see his kid so the flags were now standing out like bingo: Narc exes, doesn't see kid.

I admitted to him he'd thrown me with the narcissistic women comment as I usually associate that with men but guess women can be too, to which he replied:

"There are actually good men out there. Being one myself, nice guys finish last. They were both horrible women." Bingo: Such a nice guy but finish last!

He then went on to say he had a place, but the landlord sold it, so he had to move and that he was temporarily living at his parents. The thought of a 42 year old man living with his parents who thinks he's in a position to find a new partner is baffling to me!

He barely asked about me in the whole conversation and would answer a question without asking anything back.

So, there you have it. In the past, I would have tried to make him see how I'm not "like them" and pandered to it.

I read that conversation right though didn't I? I ended up saying I was going to bed, to which he didn't respond, and then I blocked him.

Never really 🙁 My work is predominantly women and I don't work in one place.

I do go to the gym but haven't really been in a "asking out" position there.

You read it sooo right!

He 'left' two women, yeah course he did and has a kid he never sees.

He is the 'poor me' victim and the women were horrible, and lives with his parents!

Do not touch him with a barge pole, he needs a place of his own and therapy by the sounds of it before he has anything to offer a woman.

Oh good I'm glad I read it right! The emphasis on "he left them" really stood out to me and I know he probably thought it made him sound all brave and strong leaving these "horrible" women, but what it actually said was "I'll make you walk on eggshells, make you feel bad for what you want and not singing to your tune and if you are strong and speak up I'll play the victim and leave you."

Totally agree. If I look back at the few shortlived relationships over the past few years that I've had, I think had I heeded the red flags early on, id never have got into them. However with this new found superpower, I've realised there really isn't any potential out there. I'm finding less of the sex focussed but much more of the obviously broken. No more florence nightingale for me but this leaves nothing. Not sure what the solution is, I've resigned myself to being alone.

Yes, correct analysis OP. 🇨🇳🇨🇳🇨🇳

Clearly he is unable to take responsibility for anything in his life.

When did it become acceptable to slag off exes in the first conversation? Before online dating became massively popular, and you met someone in person in a bar for example, you wouldn't hear them slagging off their exes because they knew you'd tell them to get lost and not give them your number!

Yep I had one like this on OLD. Didn’t see his daughter because his ‘abusive’ and ‘controlling, narcissistic’ ex wouldn’t let him see her and one day she decided to move 100 miles away from him and take the daughter with her. But then he got another job so he had to move even further away from his daughter so he is now living 300 miles apart from her. But his ex is so controlling she won’t even let the daughter have her iPad to contact her dad to do video calls… but then he travelled 300 miles to see her in a school play and then went all the way straight back home again. Then said he thought about going to court but decided said it’s not worth it because the mother had turned the daughter against him and he didn’t feel it was worth it due to the distance!! Lol
Needless to say I ghosted him!

I bet they left him too. Women start divorce proceeding 70% of the time, and I bet that percentage isn't far off for unhappy couples splitting up too.

@Bellagi i feel this way too. So many damaged men out there. It’s like they’ve never learned how to have a relationship.

even the ‘nice guys’ I know socially, you can tell why they’re single.

By contrast, vast majority of single women I know are perfectly well adjusted. I’m fact, I’d say my female single friends are slightly more likely to be sorted, independent people than the ones in relationships. ( I.e- they’ve dumped the shit husbands, rather than stay with them)

@Roseberry1 I’d take it as a positive that these guys haven’t learned to hide their red flags. At least he told you he was a nutter on the first date!

it’s so depressing though isn’t it?!

It's like there's a script or something!

When this guy said his daughter is 11 and he left the mum in 2011, he basically left her either pregnant or with a tiny baby and somehow thinks he sounds good for this!

11 year olds, from my experience, are usually still in the thick of loving hanging out with their parents and don't usually start thinking they are too cool and choosing their friends over parents until they get to 13/14.

I don't think he left them, I reckon he was slung out on his arse twice...back to mum and dad. He has no interest in assuming responsibility for a thing.

That's very true and I think the more women move away from traditional behaviour and become more unwilling to put up with certain shitty behaviour, the more they'll be labelled as "narcissists" and "crazy." It's really bloody depressing!

Online dating isn't the answer. It's too shallow. Find a hobby to meet like minded people instead.

@lbzbean

What's China got to do with it?

Yes you read it right.
'She was Controlling and he lost his identity' means she expected him to do a modicum of parenting and he preferred to be on the golf course with his mates.

I think for many now middle aged women, myself included, our boundaries were shockingly low in our twenties. We accepted almost anything to tick the 'im married 💪, and thus I have value' box. The lucky ones amongst us, went on to divorce and have raised our boundaries massively. These same men haven't changed and can't fathom why this same (dire) personality can't attract women any more. They put it down to us being bitter/menopausal etc when actually it's cos we don't tolerate their bullshit any more.

Completely agree that my boundaries are now much stronger in my mid 40s but that leaves me with absolutely nobody suitable. As soon as you start talking to these men they give away their misogynist views. One recently described his ex as an angry feminist. I felt like asking for her number instead 😂

@Konfetka she meant red flags!

@arethereanyleftatall you’ve but the nail on the head. It’s like women our age were raised to be equal members of society, but no-one bothered telling the boys we were equal to them!

I remember throughout the 90’s being appalled at the way men treated women- even friends. I remember a male friend saying he’d never go out with a woman who slept with him on a first date?! 🤷‍♀️ couldn’t see the irony!

I had reasonably high boundaries, yet caved at 30 and married a twat, because I was told (by everyone) I was being too fussy!!

back to high boundaries now…but the thing is, I’d love to have casual flings with men my age if they treated me with a modicum of respect. They all seem to think they need to ‘trick you’ to get into bed with you.

You are right but I don't understand why are you giving so much headspace to these men?

exactly this! I do wonder if there’s any hope for these old dinosaurs?

He sounds like a cocklodger waiting to pounce. Probably hoping someone will fall for his sob story and take him on!

I think it would be fabulous if the women on dating sites could leave messages for each other about the man. Completely hidden from him. 😂.

Yes, Flaxseedblueberry! My friends and i have the exact same thoughts! The ex-wives sound much more my type than the men i meet.

I'm afraid i haven't got good news for you OP -- i've been online dating now in every decade of my life (i'm now 46) and the culture has got much, much worse, and there is an awful lot of game-playing (some of it unintentional, i think... some men have just not 'done the work' on themselves to realise that they're looking for the Pixie Dream Girl, and stringing great women along!).

After two decades of this, on and off, i've met someone IRL and it's a whole different thing. I wish you luck, but also hope you come off the apps. I have boundary issues myself and got into some horrible situations -- having 3 or 4 dates, sleeping with someone and then being ghosted etc.

It's really really really not you. It's them.