When you find your boundaries with men, online dating is shocking isn't it!

[Roseberry1]

Especially for me, who lacked boundaries in the past. I've been on different dating apps for 18 months and most of the dates I went on in the beginning were awful or ended in a one night stand (don't judge me 🙁) because I was just blind to the signs.

Over the past 8 months I've not bothered going on any dates and just flicked through Match.com as i have a subscription whilst rarely swiping right and have become happy being alone, although it would still be nice to meet someone. I've been reading up on red flags online and mn etc.

Over New Year though I thought right, I'm going to actually start swiping right more, I joined Hinge and Bumble as well as Match. But it's just rubbish isn't it! You "Match" but they don't bother sending a first message unless you do most of the time and the 3 conversations over the past couple of days I've had were shocking!

First one asked for my number within a few sentences of chat. I said no, we can chat here please as i knew nothing about them. They said "oh that's fine, but I don't check Hinge that often that's all." I mean whaaat? If you're chatting to a potential good date then you'd make the effort to check! It's hardly an effort to press on the Hinge app on your phone instead of WhatsApp etc! I changed my number last summer for a fresh start and won't give it out like I would have done before. Surely that's what the chat in the apps are for?

Second one he was talking sexual within a few sentences and turns out was just looking for hook ups despite his profile saying otherwise.

Third guy, well he has really tested my boundaries as in the past I have gotten sucked in to this type of guy trying to prove "I'm not like the others."

I'm going to post the third one in a separate post as I want you guys to tell me if I was being overly cautious or if he was a big red flag. 🙂

Yes, all I can see is red flags and abusers everywhere. Not worth sieving through the frogs for me! I know some people manage to find a prince, but I'd rather stay single than put myself through all that

The whole thing is set up for disappointment. You invariably go looking for the perfect guy (who probably every woman gravitates to on appearance mainly and said man in turn turns into a player, and then every played woman uses that as an example that all men are arseholes), or you eventually get to the end of your local search without finding your perfect match but you have probably turned down a few good men on the way for something trivial as he was wearing crap shoes in his photo. There's too many options which means you tend not to develop conversations and build a click with. You end up basing your attraction on looks alone or at best some about me profile paragraph which is open to a lot of Bullshill to hook a woman.

I would say if you are perpetually dating and never find anything but shit then perhaps some introspection is required. I went through a phase of thinking all men on the apps were complete tossers. They weren't. I was. I took time out and realised actually I wasn't over an ex, I needed time to regroup and know what I was looking for and develop a hard shell.

Now I've done that I'm having a much better time on the apps. The tossers are still there but I find them funny now and don't go on dates with them, I've got boundaries in place and am talking to some genuinely lovely men and hopefully one of them will turn into something great.

I don't think this is limited to online dating. The problem is that there are more decent women than there are decent men.

Omg absolutely the right thing.

I've dated many men, all who have 'mad and controlling' exes. I'm now married to a man that never ever slagged off his ex girlfriend. I used to think 'omg this is weird, he must still love her'. But no, not at all. Instead that respect to women is also demonstrated to me, his mother, his sister and our daughters.

nellyelloe but again, I am hyper aware of red flags, and have been taken in by 2 men who were nice about their exes (and their mothers!) and still turned out to be abusive bastards.

Let's not even start on men who say they have crazy exes, but you've already checked with mutual friends who say yes, actually these women ARE crazy, so you think well fair enough then, only to discover that yes, this one's abusive too, and perhaps he chose crazy (read vulnerable, traumatised, neurodiverse) women in order to exploit them?? (Bangs head on desk)

It's hideous isn't it @crackofdoom ? My husband wasn't nice about his ex, he didn't gush about her or anything, but just didn't slag her off and kept neutral about why it ended without any personal attacks on her or her personality etc etc

I'm so so glad I am not dating anymore!

Yes, he’s absolutely bedecked with red flags and you were right to avoid but women can be narcissists just as much as men.