When you find your boundaries with men, online dating is shocking isn't it!

[Roseberry1]

Especially for me, who lacked boundaries in the past. I've been on different dating apps for 18 months and most of the dates I went on in the beginning were awful or ended in a one night stand (don't judge me 🙁) because I was just blind to the signs.

Over the past 8 months I've not bothered going on any dates and just flicked through Match.com as i have a subscription whilst rarely swiping right and have become happy being alone, although it would still be nice to meet someone. I've been reading up on red flags online and mn etc.

Over New Year though I thought right, I'm going to actually start swiping right more, I joined Hinge and Bumble as well as Match. But it's just rubbish isn't it! You "Match" but they don't bother sending a first message unless you do most of the time and the 3 conversations over the past couple of days I've had were shocking!

First one asked for my number within a few sentences of chat. I said no, we can chat here please as i knew nothing about them. They said "oh that's fine, but I don't check Hinge that often that's all." I mean whaaat? If you're chatting to a potential good date then you'd make the effort to check! It's hardly an effort to press on the Hinge app on your phone instead of WhatsApp etc! I changed my number last summer for a fresh start and won't give it out like I would have done before. Surely that's what the chat in the apps are for?

Second one he was talking sexual within a few sentences and turns out was just looking for hook ups despite his profile saying otherwise.

Third guy, well he has really tested my boundaries as in the past I have gotten sucked in to this type of guy trying to prove "I'm not like the others."

I'm going to post the third one in a separate post as I want you guys to tell me if I was being overly cautious or if he was a big red flag. 🙂

Love it 😆

I think with online dating you have to be very patient and have strong boundaries.

To me a man calling his exes "narcissistic" is definitely a red flag - I doubt those women really have narcissistic personality disorder (and even if they did, they should be viewed with pity not hatred, since nobody chooses to have a personality disorder). He probably just fell out with them for whatever reason and resents them because of it.

Just the living with parents is a no without all the other stuff

OP you have these men bang to rights. Just keep nexting them and do not waste any time talking to them. I've ignored red flags so many times myself. You are doing fantastically well to weed them out.

All of the behaviour you describe is utter bullshit and you've done the right thing to get rid. What I will say is though please don't give up. After many years with arseholes from OLD I met my DP at 40. NO bullshit games, very respectful, committed etc. They are out there I promise and I hope you meet one very soon. Some particular advice would be to pay very close attention to their family of origin. Everyone of the arseholes I've had have had some varying degree of bullshit in their family of origin. I only realised this pattern recently. Not to say any family is perfect, and my and my DP's are not either, but this is just something I have observed. I don't mean to stereotype, but I've found any sort of abuse in childhood can in some cases mean poor relationship behaviours ranging up to abuse. It is not in all cases I stress just something to be aware of. Ultimately I think a lot of it comes down to how they view women. Anyway I hope this helps and good luck! Would be happy to be a sounding board any time if you wish to chat. I've been through it all myself xx

That's a really good point. All of the research suggests good parenting particularly when the parents stay together produces the mist well rounded adults psychologically. Any drama etc probably causes issues in later relationships. Of course this is hard to tell, eg if dv involved better for their mum to have left than stayed. But def how they talk about their family, parents and childhood should be an early indicator of their own relationship models.

The amount of men in "open marriages and the wife knows I'm on here" is disgusting! Split up, recover then move on.

There are some lovely guys out there. I've spoken to a few but we didn't click for whatever reason, a lot of genuinely hurt men who think sleeping with someone will get them over the ex faster, a lot of creeps and crypto freaks too. I wish some of these men had their female friends and family review their profiles for them too, they really don't do themselves any favours!

You've got to have a hard shell to do OLD it's not for the feint hearted!

I was messaging a guy on an app once who was upfront about having a child from a uni fling, but still sees the child weekly. I was genuinely quite pleasantly surprised by the efforts it sounded like he was making…until he told me he was at the boy’s 10th birthday party as he was messaging me 😐.

I met my now DH on an app though, so it can be worth persevering. My rule was 3 dodgy dates (different men) in a row and I deleted that particular app. If I ended up with no dating apps then I would give myself a month or two to clear my head, spend time on myself, and restart the process. DH was my 3rd date on my final app…

I knew DH was a good bloke when I spoke to his ex's sister. He described the break-up as sad, they weren't suited, he wished her the best etc. The sister advised me that she is abusive, violent to her and DH was well rid. When I asked him about it, he said, "well yes but she wasn't well and she's tried hard to get treatment". She did suffer with her MH and DH was a perfect gentleman about it

"There are actually good men out there. Being one myself, nice guys finish last. They were both horrible women." Bingo: Such a nice guy but finish last!

That means only one thing, whiny misogynist.

That was my exact thought... Cocklodger in waiting!

I own my home and would be extremely careful to protect it. So when you hear someone living with their parents, it does scream they'd be expecting to move in "to make things easier." Jog on mate!

I'm late 30s and it would be so weird going to see him and having mum and dad sat there. Plus worrying about "being heard" 😉 by his parents!

Not really the point but women can be manipulative and controlling. I'm bi and the most abusive real I've ever been in was with another woman.

But yeah, it's unlikely he was that unlucky twice and not seeing his daughter is a red flag.

*relationship

I agree with this.
OP says that it's unusual in her mind for women to be narcissistic as it's usually men. This is nonsense.

You just have to look at the number of posts from people talking about going NC with their narc mothers.

Very few people are actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality order , often because they think they are perfect and would never put themselves forwards for diagnosis or counselling

It's about twice as prevalent in men and tends to be expressed a bit differently.

If the women were indeed so horrible it's strange that he had a child with one and was engaged to the other.

I think you read this right. So many complaints about other women so quickly and the insistence that he is a nice guy wronged… he’s going to have to do better than that but unfortunately some poor woman will probably fall for his victim persona & feel sorry for him.
Good for you, though, to see the reality of the situation. He’s no catch.

There is no clear evidence for this.
A lot of the data is self reported

Hahaha @Flaxseedblueberry that’s brilliant, I nearly spat out my drink from laughter when I read ‘I felt like asking for her number instead’ 😂😂😂

Yes and about time! Even just a year ago I would have tried to convince him I'm "not like those other women" and carried on chatting. Like how I entertained a guy last year for a couple of months who said he had a crazy ex, was unemployed looking for a job (he did get one) and who lived in a shitty little flat and his living room looked like a 14 year olds bedroom with loads of marvel stuff that was his! His reasoning was his ex never let him put it out! No shit sherlock!

I've come a long way in a year...

I think the statistic that it’s twice as common in men is pretty accepted among psychologists.

However, as pps have pointed out, few people actively seek treatment for being superior!

but then you could say the same things about lots of statistics- for example, no- one really knows how many people in the population are gay.

I do wonder if toxic masculinity gets mistaken for narcissism. Let’s face it, many men subconsciously think they’re better than woman, so probably behave like narcissists towards women, but are more ‘normal’ with blokes ? 🤷‍♀️

Women absolutely can have narcisstic tendencies or narcisstic personality disorder. I don't know why you think it's always men.

It's OK to leave a relationship if it's not healthy despite having young children.

It's OK to temporarily live with you parents in your 40'. Families are there to support each other!

His child is in another country so it might not even be possible for him to see her often.

You don't have to date anyone you do not click with OP but you seem to make a lot of assumptions based on very little information.

You're right, I'm sure he was a lovely guy, despite ticking every red flag box on the first conversation such as slagging off and calling his exes, one being the mother of his child, narcissistic to a complete stranger on a dating app. 🙄

His child lived in another county, not another country.

Regarding paying attention to a man's relationship with his family:

Getting on well with parents, having parents who are still together, and speaking well of his mother are considered to be green flags in a man. However, I have had 2 relationships with abusive men who have ticked these boxes, and have just escaped a third by the skin of my teeth.

One thing all these perfect mums had in common, though, is that they were very traditional- did all the housework, cooked lovely meals, were warm and forgiving of their DS's peccadilloes. Perhaps rather too forgiving, in retrospect. And also, as I got to know the families a bit better, rather too forgiving of controlling or unfaithful husbands.....😬

My H once commented that in the last 10 years (menopause and post menopause) I had become rather 'hard'. As others have said above what they actually mean is that you no longer put them on a pedestal and dance around to their every whim trying to make life fun and nice. . I think that's why many men can't sustain longer term relationships- they want it perpetually at the honeymoon phase and all centred on them- not all- but I feel it's majority.

Yes to this! The mother who sees no wrong in her little darling!

Also beware of the son/mother relationship where he starts slagging you off/telling her your wrongdoing to her whilst leaving out his (big) role in it all. Its a particular tactic they use when you're starting to figure out their bullshit... they start to plant those smear campaign seeds early, so when you break up the mother/family knew how "crazy" you were all along...

Also parents who get overly involved in their kids relationships/lives. The phrase "my mum hated my ex" is never a good sign...

I seem to attract narcissistic women.

You should have ended the conversation after his first message!!

Why would you want to chat/date a guy who is indirectly insulting you and slagging off his ex in your first communication?!