Worried I’m too unattractive for a relationship

[Rnc96]

Has anyone felt they’re too unattractive to find love? I’m embarrassed to say I’m a 26 year old virgin, never been in a relationship, no man has ever shown interest in person and I’ve had plenty of strangers (men) mock my appearance.

I’m slim, have nice hair, dress well but facially I’m just not attractive.

It’s hard to discuss with friends as they’ll invalidate my experiences saying “you’re gorgeous just ignore them” (men who mock my appearance) and
“you’ll find someone special soon” - appreciate they’re trying to make me feel better but all are average or above average attractiveness and have relationship experience.

I’m on dating apps and I’ll match with men but rarely get messaged. I’ve been on a small number of dates from apps. Surprisingly, these few dates seemed to go well - I’ve been really lucky that none of the guys were rude or sleazy. They were polite and conversation would flow well, last roughly around 2 hours, some even walked me home but afterwards I‘d still get ghosted with no explanation. (Not made it to a second date before!)

Also, none of the guys even kissed me on the first date despite not seeming nervous which makes me think they weren’t attracted to me. We’d greet with a hug and make eye contact throughout but nothing else.

I feel like I can hold a conversation well, and have a decent job in the City. No issues socialising with guys at work platonically, in fact a male manager once said I was the one of the happiest in the office. Also get on fine with my friends partners etc. It hurts to acknowledge how virtually all of my friends, relatives and colleagues from different walks of life seem to be in relationships or dating, whereas I’ve still not had my first kiss.

I’m not someone who is career obsessed either (outside of work I switch off pretty easily).

Ultimately I can’t help but think it’s my appearance that is putting men off. ☹️ I definitely don’t have high standards when it comes to men’s appearance, or how much they earn either.

My last hope is surgery but I can’t afford that in the foreseeable future…

You sound lovely. Maybe they're intimidated by you having a successful career, what are the men you meet like? I think someone will come along who is just right for you

There’s always someone for everyone… be patient..

Do you tell them you have no relationship experience? I don't think this should matter but maybe it does to some men. Seems very odd, but I wonder if it is something other than looks.

Do you have facial disfigurements? Something really off about your face? A hump?

If not. It is not down to your looks. Have you seen some if the people out there who are paired up?

It could be that you're giving out vibes that you want a relationship without realising and men are picking up on that, the best thing to do is not worry about it and just enjoy your life, that way you'll meet someone when you least expect it, no doubt in a situation that matches your lifestyle rather than via online dating.

Looks-wise, attraction is a very personal thing and has no bearing on how you feel you look, different people find different people attractive, there will be someone out there for you.

I highly doubt it's as simple as your looks because it's easy for women to have sex and body is more important to men than facial attractiveness.

No, not got round to telling any of the men - mostly as it doesn’t really come up in conversation during a first date (seems a bit too personal, plus I worry it’s a red flag) & most adults seem to presume you’ve had dating experience at this age so they didn’t question it.

However, if a guy was interested I would probably confess to being a virgin by the 2nd/3rd date as feels a bit unfair to not be upfront.

Your experiences of online dating are not uncommon. My very gorgeous, funny, intelligent friend struggles with it and she's a 10/10. It's just a very difficult situation to navigate!

It's very unlikely to be your face. I mean, really. It can't be that. Unless you have the Pox or some serious thing wrong.

Let it be know amongst your friends you're looking, could they have a single mate who you might hit it off with. Back in the day we'd often meet people this way. Anyone from work you could practice flirting with?

Some men, like some women, will focus on appearance and some of those will want a partner with the ‘golden ratio’ …. But equally, physical attraction is a very small part of the puzzle.

Beauty is literally in the eye of the beholder…. If you like someone as a whole person they look more physically attractive than they really are (and if you don’t like someone, even if they’re attractive you’ll find then ugly).

My only advice, which will be difficult, is to stop caring and stop comparing. Confidence is sexy…. And you won’t come across as confident by worrying, or settling for anyone. Every man you date will not be right for you, and you won’t be right for every man…. And that’s ok, you don’t need to rush (rushing is not attractive… you need mystery!!)

Maybe a bit more advice….go for a trip to a different city, wander round, make eye contact for 2-3 seconds with men and carry in going (just as you pass them on the street). You don’t need to find then attractive, you don’t want the interaction to last longer, you want a brief deep connection. It’s like practicing fake confidence… And, it’s fun. I’m not typically attractive (big nose with a dent in it.. thanks Dad!… skinny lips… thanks Mum lol…. And I’m super short,….I do have green eyes, which I like, but most peoples eyes are stunning and unique). But I occasionally do this because I like the reaction; it is a move that requires confidence and it makes heads turn if you hold the gaze for the right amount of time… it’s an ego booster (probably get attacked on here for saying what I do!)… it sounds like you need a boost to your ego.

p.s. Some will LIKE that you’re a virgin…., if they like it too much (like a weird kink) run for the hills!!

Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about. Being a nice and kind person is way more important.
Also - the older we all get - the less a persons 'attractiveness' matters. Attractive is very subjective after all. I would choose a less (facially) attractive man who made me laugh and who was kind to strangers above a good looking guy who wasn't very nice.
Do not lower yourself to below the standard of person you deserve.
26 isn't even very old - although I bet you feel ancient...
you're really not. You have probably 50 years left in you. You do you and don't focus on a relationship. You keep yourself happy. If something happens then it's fine. Go have adventures while you still can... lol xx

I don’t have disfigurements but I do have a prominent bulbous nose. It kind of looks like a mild version of rhinophyma (before the extreme stages).

unfortunately, I can’t afford surgery in the next 5 years. However I did post pictures of my nose on ‘real self’ a plastic surgery website, and surgeons had commented to confirm I had a bulbous nose.

1. I'm sure you look better that you think you do, most people do.

1. Go out and have a proper look at every couple you pass. There are spectacularly unattractive people everywhere in relationships, and not necessarily with other unattractive people.

1. If you're getting to the first date with people, then presumably they've seen your pictures. As long as your pictures are accurate, then presumably your looks aren't a problem for these men.

Many people with facial disfigurements and things 'really off about their face' have successful relationships with partners who find them attractive.

OP, do you want a relationship with someone so superficial that something as basic about you as your face would put them off? It simply doesn't matter. When someone falls in love, their partner looks attractive to them, regardless of any objective judgement.

Your worrying about it and general insecurity about relationships is probably putting people off, and perhaps you're meeting the wrong kind of people.

Don't let the decisions of a few random strangers affect how you see yourself. You're a great person, and you'll be a great partner, so your main concern should be about finding someone you like, rather than focussing on who likes you and why.

Yeah, sorry. I was trying to make the point that it is not her looks that are the issue iyswim.

I did post pictures of my nose on ‘real self’ a plastic surgery website, and surgeons had commented to confirm I had a bulbous nose

of course they did…. They’re going to be hyper vigilant to every perceived flaw because they’re paid to change faces in response to a very narrow definition of attractiveness (ie small noses). There are plenty of people I have found attractive over the years who do not fall into the classically handsome category. I have a very strong Roman nose and I hated it in my teens and 20’s but as i
got older I stopped giving a shit about it. The men who have found me attractiveness haven’t been drawn to me because of that I can assure you but all the other qualities I have to offer ( probably great boobs have to helped 😉). Start looking at the great things you have to offer the world because confidence is most definitely attractive.

I hated it in my teens and 20’s but as i
got older I stopped giving a shit about it

That's the attitude most of us find attractive, I think. The 'My whole self isn't about one flaw, so if you think it is, goodbye' thing.

OP, I'm as plain as the proverbial pikestaff but I've never had problems finding partners. I don't think it's your looks. OLD is very cut and thrust though, maybe look at other ways of meeting people?

Of course plastic surgeons would tell you that you had a bulbous nose - they want your money!

"I definitely don’t have high standards when it comes to men’s appearance, or how much they earn either."
"However, if a guy was interested I would probably confess to being a virgin by the 2nd/3rd date as feels a bit unfair to not be upfront".

Here in lies your problem Op. You lack self esteem. Save the virgin bit , until you are ready to have sex; if at all. Personally, i was a virgin once , many moons ago... and never mentioned it, then i wasn't a virgin.

Also. What a man earns means nothing. You are stealthy considering this although , you cannot see it. Be and/or remain financially Independent. All kinds of men and women earn a load of money, makes them no more relationship material other than, the value society puts on them.

Is he fun, is he kind? Is he sexy? Do you fancy him? Does he make you laugh? Does he give you butterflies? Is he good in bed? All good qualities in a Man.

You are having dates, you are beautiful on the outside. You need to to work on the your inner beauty and confidence. You are sabotaging yourself with this thought process.

I know a fair few women who could be called plain or worse with husbands who on the surface at least seem decent enough ( not bad looking, normal bodies, good jobs) and appear to have very nice lives together. Equally I know some stunning women who can’t find husbands. I honestly think a lot of it comes down to luck and the right social connections. Some of it is also down to confidence.
marriage isn’t the be all and end all. You can lead a very good life and even have kids without a partner. If it’s what you really want though I would consider hiring a dating coach to overhaul your dating profile and get you dating up a storm. I know of an excellent one. At the very least I would read, ‘Not your mothers rules’ and join some rules Facebook groups. Worked for me.

Walk down the street, look around you - plenty of not terribly attractive and downright unattractive people in couples. You are getting obsessed about your nose - if it was that bad you wouldn’t be getting any matches or dates, it’s just a case of time and numbers. Don’t worry about surgery, I am sure you look just fine as you are.

OP I totally get your situation and I find it strange that people insist that any woman can find a man. In my experience men are very fussy about looks, much more fussy than women.

I did not have any boyfriend until I was 28 and then I met DH and have been with him ever since. He is the only man who has found me attractive. Looking at photos of myself I am objectively not ugly. I think I have an open and friendly personality and have lots of friends. I honestly think I was simply not pretty enough to attract men.

People fall over themselves on threads like this to say that looks aren’t important and that it’s easy for women to find men because they are not choosy. It’s just not true.

Sorry, I am not going to tell you it’s about self esteem or something about your attitude that needs to change. It’s men. They feel that women owe them pretty. It’s awful.

thanks all for the feedback, and it’s a valid point that all types of people still find love regardless of what they look like. Maybe I need to consider different options as well as dating apps

@Byfleet I’m glad you and your DH found each other.
Similarly, from my experience I’ve found men are more fussy with looks than women. I’ve never really had a woman mock my appearance whereas men have done this many times

You will find a nice man eventually OP, it just feels like a long wait at the moment.

Before I met DH at 28 nobody was ever interested in me as a girlfriend. I know it’s because I am only average looking. For some reason people always insist and reassure their single friends that they are attractive. Or they give advice about your personality eg. Maybe you are a bit too… or maybe a bit too…. Alternatively you are told it’s to do with self esteem or confidence. I used to feel this was a bit like gaslighting. It’s really clear that men in their 20s just don’t make an effort with women who are less than very attractive. There is no point pretending otherwise and it’s dishonest to pretend it’s about personality and unfair to imply that a woman has something wrong with her personality when it’s usually something much more superficial.

Eventually most people do pair up and I am sure you will to OP. But it’s demoralising to have to wait for so long especially knowing that it is to do with your looks, you could be the smartest and loveliest woman around but it’s not really enough. I wish people would tell the truth about this.

You just haven't found that connection yet.
Your life sounds good on the whole, some would envy your freedom, you have endless possibilities ahead of you.
Rowing, cycling, running and walking groups are good way to meet people.
Your focusing on your nose, but l doubt it has anything to do with that, you sound like you do "alone" well and good for you, some men won't like that as you'll be harder to control and manipulate, they prefer easier options.