Worried I’m too unattractive for a relationship

[Rnc96]

Has anyone felt they’re too unattractive to find love? I’m embarrassed to say I’m a 26 year old virgin, never been in a relationship, no man has ever shown interest in person and I’ve had plenty of strangers (men) mock my appearance.

I’m slim, have nice hair, dress well but facially I’m just not attractive.

It’s hard to discuss with friends as they’ll invalidate my experiences saying “you’re gorgeous just ignore them” (men who mock my appearance) and
“you’ll find someone special soon” - appreciate they’re trying to make me feel better but all are average or above average attractiveness and have relationship experience.

I’m on dating apps and I’ll match with men but rarely get messaged. I’ve been on a small number of dates from apps. Surprisingly, these few dates seemed to go well - I’ve been really lucky that none of the guys were rude or sleazy. They were polite and conversation would flow well, last roughly around 2 hours, some even walked me home but afterwards I‘d still get ghosted with no explanation. (Not made it to a second date before!)

Also, none of the guys even kissed me on the first date despite not seeming nervous which makes me think they weren’t attracted to me. We’d greet with a hug and make eye contact throughout but nothing else.

I feel like I can hold a conversation well, and have a decent job in the City. No issues socialising with guys at work platonically, in fact a male manager once said I was the one of the happiest in the office. Also get on fine with my friends partners etc. It hurts to acknowledge how virtually all of my friends, relatives and colleagues from different walks of life seem to be in relationships or dating, whereas I’ve still not had my first kiss.

I’m not someone who is career obsessed either (outside of work I switch off pretty easily).

Ultimately I can’t help but think it’s my appearance that is putting men off. ☹️ I definitely don’t have high standards when it comes to men’s appearance, or how much they earn either.

My last hope is surgery but I can’t afford that in the foreseeable future…

You sound wonderful OP but dating apps are harsh!

can you join clubs or groups and get to know people rather than go via something that is let’s be honest focused on physical attraction as the screening tool.

and pls don’t feel you should inform a casual date you are a virgin on the second meeting! Anyone who needs to know because things progress in that direction can find out in time when you discuss your past history. It isn’t something awful you must ‘confess’ it’s just part of you and you are still young. I’d also worry it might make some idiot blokes keen to ‘be the one’ so keep your private information private until you feel you want to progress with someone special.

I don't think a lot of this is true. I know some women who I'd go as far as to say are unattractive who had relationships all throughout their teens and twenties with men of a similar age. Not necessarily unattractive men. It isn't that plain or unattractive women don't pair up until they're a bit older.

I do think that self esteem, confidence and attitude are the key.

I'll quote my idol Brene Brown, and say that the only difference between those who feel loved and accepted, and those who don't, is that those who have it feel worthy of it.

You have to believe you are worthy of love, and from your posts it sounds like you don't at the moment ❤️

No. This can't be true. Have you seen some couples, as you wander around,in RL, or on tv? Some people aren't good looking, some are unfortunately very ugly. Doesn't stop them! Your time will come.

I'm not pretty. Couldn't get/keep a boyfriend in secondary. But I scrub up ok.

Hi @Rnc96 please do not get surgery! You are beautiful they're just intimidated by you!
I've had loads of crap dating experiences 😫

Seriously though if it's something quite obvious like a bulbous nose then why not take out a loan with low interest and get it fixed?

People on here will try and be nice like your friends but the truth is humans especially men are shallow and if it can be fixed and lead to a happier life then absolutely fix it.

That's the truth but people are too scared to say it.

@Worriere
only difference between those who feel loved and accepted, and those who don't, is that those who have it feel worthy of it

I disagree with this and it puts pressure on people to force themselves and work on themselves to feel worthy (like the whole ‘self esteem’ bandwagon) which is actually impossible and makes you feel even more of a failure.

I spent most of my 20s feeling unworthy of love and acceptance because I wasn’t loved or accepted. It follows from this that most people who feel worthy of love and acceptance feel that way because they are loved and accepted. It is indisputably less likely that you will receive love and acceptance if you are a less than attractive woman.

I wish women weren’t given the extra job of having to work on their personalities if they don’t get male attention. Why don’t men work on their sense of entitlement to pretty.

I appreciate where you are comin from, however the research didn't focus on women. The same was true for men and women.

Try therapy to improve your self esteem. Maybe you're so anxious about not meeting expectations that you're ending up with the wrong types. Don't write yourself off, someone is out there for you.

OP, at the risk of coming across like an insensitive jerk, I think there is no point in sugarcoating it: more attractive people tend to find it easier to date. It doesn't mean that someone who's more average will never find a soulmate, but that it can be harder (not impossible). But you already know this.

Having said that, it's not like you are disfigured; none of us can know how much your nose really makes you less attractive. You did, after all, date people who chose you on dating apps and who looked at your pictures, didn't you?

The one thing that people who date easily tend to have in common is, IMHO, a mix of confidence and charisma. You come across as very insecure and not confident; if this transpires in your dates, it may be a reason why people ghost you.

But don't read too much into online dating: it's full of shallow jerks. I suppose a big factor is you tend to have no common acquaintances or friends with the people you date, so worse behaviour is more likely because you are not gonna tell anyone who could embarrass them.

Have you considered doing some activity (sports, volunteering, courses, etc) where you might meet someone based on common interests, which might help take some of the pressure off? But remember to have realistic expectations - you're unlikely to find the man of your dreams on the second day you volunteer at a local charity or take a class in whatever.

I know men in similar situations who got a confidence boost by having their first sexual experience in environments where, well, it's more likely, like certain tourist resorts not open to minors and families. Tread very, very carefully, though - that is likely to mean a sexual experience without much emotional or romantic connection. Only you can know if that is something you might want or if you might actually feel worse after that.

Lastly, as a man, I fully agree with the comments on the risk of weirdos finding it a kink to sleep with a virgin, so tread carefully. You don't want some scumbag to fake interest in you just because they wanted to tick a box.

It's hard to comment on your looks without seeing a picture! I agree that people on plastic surgery websites will probably pick up on every tiny "flaw", as that is what the websites are about.

If you think there might be a connection, I recommend reaching out to men first sometimes rather than always waiting to be asked, they are generally pleased to be asked even if they say no, and it improves your odds a lot.

Ditch the dating apps, the majority of women do not find any long term relationships that way. I think you didn’t get second dates because you made it clear you weren’t a one night stand type of woman, not because of your appearance.

Find some sort of hobby/club that you enjoy and youre much more likely to meet a decent boyfriend that way. I met my DH on a camping trip…he was with his mates at a different pitch and we really hit it off. Our two groups went hiking together, invited each other over for “dinner” between pitches, then he and I started seeing each other.

Hey there!

I could resonate with this so well. I am a 25 year old virgin man. I have never been in relationship before and am still a virgin (infact I came here on mumnet for advices on getting into relationships). I am very social (most of my friends are girls), I am very successful in my career and work in city. People around me often tell me that I am the nicest person they have ever met and have a very bubbly personality (including women).

However having said that. I have had a very low self esteem. I have only asked 2 girls out to be in a relationship (and both of them were my close friends and they rejected me very politely). Towards the end of my university, I had never even kissed anyone. I always thought I was not good looking even though I get along with people really well and no one ever called me ugly. I spent over a grand to get my teeth properly aligned which I now consider a huge waste of money.

Since I graduated and started working, I went for counselling to improve confidence with intention of getting into relationships. I started talking to girls and have been on quite few dates with girls I met online. I have been ghosted by some women and that literally shattered my confidence. The closest I have got to someone was talking to her for over 3 months but never initiated anything sexual (not even a kiss) out of fear of crossing my boundaries or appearing creep and eventually got ghosted by her.

I try to be happy on my own with a hope that maybe I find someone along the way. Counselling helped massively. I even try to hide from my friends that I am a virgin as it feels embarrassing. But I am hopefully that by improving my confidence and loving myself enough I should be able to find someone!

It is very frustrating as I really want to be in a relationship and settle down but hopefully there would be brighter days ahead!

Sending all my best wishes and love x

No-one is ever too unattractive for a relationship. I felt exactly the same way as you do (and didn't lose my virginity until I was 29) and all I can say is that the sooner you start trying (with dating apps etc), the better. The longer you leave it, the more your confidence just corrodes and you stay uncertain and it becomes a bigger and bigger 'millstone' to carry on those first dates.

I have sat and watched people who were older than me, twice my size etc, getting engaged and married and getting on with their lives, whilst I am still terrified to meet anybody and will only be intimate with the lights off. I am worlds away from marriage and children and the things my friends are going through. I feel like my confidence issues have become entrenched because I just waited too long to get started. Bite the bullet.

Ditch the dating apps, the majority of women do not find any long term relationships that way.

I appreciate this is a completely individual thing and everyone's friendship groups and families are different, but almost every longish term couple I know (say 5-15 years together and they are lovely, happy couples) met on dating apps / online.

They were super clear about boundaries and future plans (e.g. wanting kids in future) early on, had lots of first dates but were very picky with who they saw for a second date. It's a numbers game to an extent. Again I appreciate this isn't everyone's experience.

You may be talking anecdotally, but I’m going by studies & surveys on success rates for a long term relationship:

theconversation.com/the-downsides-of-dating-apps-and-how-to-overcome-them-131997

Dating Apps Only: 10% success if female, 0.6% if male
“…the limited research out there suggests the probability of a match using dating apps such as Tinder is low, with some studies reporting women find a match about 10% of the time, and men around 0.6% of the time on Tinder.”

Online + Dating Apps: 25% success rate
“In a Relationships Australia Survey, approximately 60% of people surveyed used dating apps and online sites, and of these people, about 25% found a long-term partner.”

Online only: 35% success rate
“The recent Australia Talks National Survey conducted by the ABC reported 35% of people found their current partner online.”

Being ghosted after a first date engineered by a dating app is so common that psychiatrists are seriously wondering whether dating apps do more harm than good for most peoples’ mental health,
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-men/201810/are-dating-apps-damaging-our-mental-health

@Onnabugeisha

Yes I said twice in my post that it's just my experience and that of people I know, not everyone's.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. These days it's very difficult as there is pressure to look picture perfect like on instagram. I would say, look at ways to enhance your best features, get a make over at a salon, change up your wardrobe a little bit. not for men but for yourself as a confidence boost and feel good factor. It sounds like you're a little critical on yourself which may be an insecurity you're projecting in your dates. One of the most attractive traits is confidence, once you have that it, it's shines through on a person

^Online only: 35% success rate
“The recent Australia Talks National Survey conducted by the ABC reported 35% of people found their current partner online.”^

I'm not sure why this is being cited as evidence that online dating doesn't work- show me another method of meeting someone that has a higher success rate for finding a partner! You've got a much, much lower chance of meeting someone at a hobby.

I think people are trying to be really kind here, but without actually seeing you OP it is difficult to say. Certainly, lots of downright unattractive people have partners. But first impressions are important in dating, when you don't already have a shared connection/friendship/history with someone, and the relationship might have been more of a slow burn. And of course more attractive people find it easier to make a first impression.

The good news is that it's easy for women to make the most of their appearance. Do your haircut and your wardrobe suit you? Are your brows groomed? Are you good at makeup application and making the most of your features? I know this all sounds incredibly shallow, but ultimately it's part of what this is what mating and dating is about.

@teezletangler
I'm not sure why this is being cited as evidence that online dating doesn't work-

It was cited as evidence that the majority of women do not find a long term relationship via dating apps/online. 35% using both online + apps is less than 51%. Apps only it is 10%…definitely a small minority and online only is a 25% success rate…also a minority of women hardly a glowing recommendation. Not sure why you are misrepresenting what I said as saying “it doesn’t work” as that’s not what I said.

You've got a much, much lower chance of meeting someone at a hobby.
Really? And this is based on what? Evidence please.

show me another method of meeting someone that has a higher success rate for finding a partner!

Apparently blind dates arranged by a friend have the highest success rate:

”….more than 60% of married couples report their relationship was initiated by a friend.” (The actual figure is 63% and from a study done by E-harmony in the USA that the article links to. This is from same article I linked above).

I think people are trying to be really kind here, but without actually seeing you OP it is difficult to say.. I’m not “being kind” I’m showing OP that dating apps are a gamble at best…it’s a numbers game where the odds are not in your favour and this is true for everyone- no matter how conventionally beautiful they are.

The good news is that it's easy for women to make the most of their appearance. Do your haircut and your wardrobe suit you? Are your brows groomed? Are you good at makeup application and making the most of your features? I know this all sounds incredibly shallow, but ultimately it's part of what this is what mating and dating is about.

Yes this is very shallow. Are your brows groomed….have you slapped on makeup…Jesus fucking Christ…..women are not painted dolls whose only purpose in life is to be picked as a suitable trophy mate for some man.

I had an awful nose which I got fixed. My feeling was I didn't want to go through life being bothered by it. I have relatives who also have prominent noses. They are attractive and have partners. One feature doesn't determine how attractive you are I would say.

I bet you aren’t nothing like you think you are! Why not put a pic on here, if it’s liked it might be a very good ego boost for you. X

Your sexual history is no one's business particularly by the "second or third date." Do not share TMI with bare acquaintances, fgs.

This.