How do I handle this?

[DidyouNO]

My DH (married in March) has always been sensitive towards me and always making sure I'm ok. That's fine and lovely but actually what he does is ask me, a lot if 'I'm OK?' If I'm quiet thinking about the shopping list he'll say 'you're quiet, what's wrong are you ok'. Obviously the answer is, yes, I'm ok, just thinking about shopping. He usually response ' no ones this quiet because they're thinking about shopping'. And so it goes in that I end up getting a bit annoyed and trying to defend myself. If I'm walking around looking for something he'll ask what I'm looking for and I'll say 'a book' for example, but if I'm irritated I can't find it and mumbling 'I'm sure I left it in here' just to myself. And NOT angry. He'll tell me to calm down and not to get myself into a state, I'll clarify 'I'm not upset/angry/in a state, Im merely frustrated I can't find XYZ. It's not anger or anything but he will go on and on and on about me getting P::;ed off so I end up defending myself. If we fall out now he tells me I'm the angriest person he's ever met. Buts it's just in his head. I'm rarely cross, he's the one who gets upset about bad parking or delayed post or silly things. I'm at my wits end. I just want to cry with frustration that I can't do it say anything without this onslaught from him.

Why did you marry someone so frustrating? It’s almost March, you can get a divorce in a few months

Not really the advice I was looking for but to be honest when everything else is great this has become so frustrating, to be painted in this way that I'm starting to question our longevity. It's really sad. I've tried ignoring it even but he harps on about my tone or my body language and I hate listening to someone belittle me like that!

He sounds like an idiot 😂

I would just literally say "what in Gods name are you talking about? Stop acting like a lunatic!" I wouldn't have the patience for all that. Tell him to knock it off or else....

My DH does something similar in that he will sometimes wince when I talk and act like I’ve just bitten his head off when I’ve done no such thing. I can get animated when I talk whereas he never really gets angry or excited about anything. He makes out that I’m shouting at him or getting carried away when I see it as me just not being monotone.

Eeew, he's putting you in the wrong all the time and you are continually having to justify and defend yourself.

How do you handle it or get it to stop?? It's tearing me apart

Tell him what you said here: that in all other respects he's great but this one (really really annoying habit) is making you question your relationship.

And then depending on how he reacts, you can decide what to do.

Did he do this before you were married?

Exactly. And it's driving me I sand. I just want to scream when he does it.

Yes he did but it was in a nicer, overly concerned way. If I said the way he asks makes me feel like I need to defend myself all the time and he would just get a little butt hurt and apologise. Now he says it again and again even when I say he's just painting a bad picture of me and I don't know why he'll say stuff like 'well if you don't want to appear bad/angry/annoys, just don't be those things. I WASNT THOUGH!!!! 😩

you can turn this around, i think, if you are honest and he is open to listening to what you have to say.

TBH it would make me stabby!

This actually really made me laugh as it was exactly what I was thinking.

Don't defend yourself anymore. Don't explain.
He's going to chip away and chip away and make you doubt yourself.

Long term, this doesn't look good. This isn't normal behavior from him. There is something manipulative and controlling about it.

This would drive me nuts lol. I would nip it in the bud but i havd an extremely sharp tongue, which may or may not work. Either way he needs to snap out of it.

This is probably how I'm feeling. It doesn't feel like he does it out of concern. I wonder if he ever did. I'm so sad. He's not easy to talk to. If I say anything he'll always just turn it back on my that I can't control what he hears. I could stamp and scream I'm so frustrated over it.

try that? just scream - not at him, just a long frustrated scream. Then carry on what you were doing.
Next time he does it? scream.
maybe?

I had to spend a long time explaining again and again to my DH and then my DC that i do get frustrated and grumpy with myself if i misplace something or make a stupid mistake and that i know I'm moaning at myself but that i don't need any input or feedback from them about it as it is nothing to do with them

Can I suggest you talk to him about it at a totally neutral time? Maybe when you're out and about together, or just sat having a coffee or something. Something like -

"I don't know if you realise, but you quite often ask me what's wrong when there's nothing wrong. Then if I say there's nothing wrong, you keep questioning me about it. It would be really good if you didn't do that any more because it's actually a bit irritating."

or...

"If I'm a bit frustrated because I'm having a moment over something - like not being able to find my book for example - you really don't have to take it personally. It's not about you. It's totally normal for me to be able to express different emotions. It would be good if you could just let me get on with it instead of getting upset."

It's really important that you stamp out this kind of behaviour or it will eventually drive you mad (and could cause you to have to build a patio).

On paper it sounds like he's feeling insecure and worried that you're annoyed with him about something.

But as you say, it doesn't seem genuine, potentially he's doing something wrong and is trying to gauge if you've found out and are being passive aggressive?

My sister's partner does the same thing in a loaded manner and he gambles a lot, which causes friction between them when she sees that he's been doing it and hiding it from her again.

You need to flip this back on him.

Him: are you okay you’re angry again
you: you sound deranged keep trying to label my feelings negatively and incorrectly
Him: I’m not deranged - you’re xyz
you: (ignore his labeling if you and continue on your path)/ if you don’t want to appear deranged don’t be deranged 🤷‍♀️

or faux concern to him. Are YOU okay? You seem to have a problem reading body language and moods correctly. Do you need to speak to a professional, I’m sure this stuff is covered at primary school

etc

basically use his tactics back against him, whilst refusing to acknowledge or defend his allegations to you.

if this doesn’t work, then divorce was created for such partners I would think.

Sounds like he has mother issues?

yes, I'm ok, just thinking about shopping. He usually response ' no ones this quiet because they're thinking about shopping'
How incredibly annoying. He basically asks you a question, you answer and he says he doesn’t believe your answer.

or you could say "yes, you're right. I'm not thinking about shopping. I'm thinking about the future heat-death of the universe"

Bloody hell, he sounds suffocating. You can't mutter to yourself, can't sit thinking quietly, and he TELLS you you're angry when you're not. If he's like this so soon in a marriage, he'll only get worse. I know someone who is in a relationship like this - one in which one person keeps asking the other "What are you thinking about?" all the time. Then "Don't you love me any more?", or "Oh well, I you don't want to be with me anyway". Relentless. The person on the receiving end is leaving next week, had enough of it. GO. GO now.

Tbh I used to be like this with partners (and friends too I think) as I find moods impossible to read. I'd presume the worst and that I'd somehow pissed them off. I'd keep digging trying to get my assumption confirmed as i didn't believe it when they said they were fine etc. My dh now is really easy to read and never game plays so I don't have guess or check. If I've done something annoying he'll tell me so now my default assumption is he's fine and in a good mood. I think for me it was a mixture of as yet undiagnosed ASD and ADHD and low self-esteem making me jump to the assumption that silence meant i had done something 'wrong'.