How do I handle this?

[DidyouNO]

My DH (married in March) has always been sensitive towards me and always making sure I'm ok. That's fine and lovely but actually what he does is ask me, a lot if 'I'm OK?' If I'm quiet thinking about the shopping list he'll say 'you're quiet, what's wrong are you ok'. Obviously the answer is, yes, I'm ok, just thinking about shopping. He usually response ' no ones this quiet because they're thinking about shopping'. And so it goes in that I end up getting a bit annoyed and trying to defend myself. If I'm walking around looking for something he'll ask what I'm looking for and I'll say 'a book' for example, but if I'm irritated I can't find it and mumbling 'I'm sure I left it in here' just to myself. And NOT angry. He'll tell me to calm down and not to get myself into a state, I'll clarify 'I'm not upset/angry/in a state, Im merely frustrated I can't find XYZ. It's not anger or anything but he will go on and on and on about me getting P::;ed off so I end up defending myself. If we fall out now he tells me I'm the angriest person he's ever met. Buts it's just in his head. I'm rarely cross, he's the one who gets upset about bad parking or delayed post or silly things. I'm at my wits end. I just want to cry with frustration that I can't do it say anything without this onslaught from him.

Sounds like the start of controlling behaviours from him, where soon you’ll be on eggshells, self monitoring your every word and expression just so he stops with the insane questioning. Then he’ll find something else to question you about.

Tell him to stop fucking gaslighting you, because that’s what he’s doing every time he tells you you’re angry etc when you’re just thinking about something. Why is he projecting on you?

Thank you bill try that. I just hate rocking the boat when it's all good. But I am at the build a patio stage. This should be funnier but I feel so sad about it. I can't see the future anymore.

He actually does!! His mother had him at 15, probably had PMD but acted although she hated him, put him in care by his teenage years and kept his younger brothers.

Crap. This isn't far from what's happening to me.

Hes got anxious attachment or been with a narcissistic partner b4. Counselling might help to stop him drivjng you mad x

That's what he says I do. Gaslighting! I don't understand the term. It just gets thrown at me a lot. He turns everything around. If I say he's taken something too personally. He answer that with 'no, you have' when I haven't even expressed an opinion. God I could cry!!

No, he’s gaslighting you, telling you you’re doing/feeling something when you simply aren’t. Do you see the relationship lasting or will this drive you nuts?

@DidyouNO poor thing, sorry im not a shrink but I thought there was something there...maybe he is unconsciously repeating a patrern, our early nurture and current romantic relationships are linked, we can play out some emotional loop on repeat.

He's perhaps overly worried about your wellbeing and needs to feel affirmed/seen due to his rejection by his mum. Probably blames himself in some way.

You're not m to him to be his shrink though, but it might help to recognise this pattern together, or even encourage him to get some therapy.

Easier said than done though. 💐

@Windtunnel. Thank you. Honestly. I've just been reading loads about his childhood issues and anxious attachment. It's sounds like him. I'm better than just walking away. This gives me hope. Thank you so much.

'He actually does!! His mother had him at 15, probably had PMD but acted although she hated him, put him in care by his teenage years and kept his younger brothers'

This. He's looking for rejection in your every move. I've lived with this type of behaviour too, a constant need for reassurance until it became abusive and we separated. The childhood scenarios are different but many childhood traumas result in severe insecurities and personality disorders.

@Mydogatemypurse. Thank you. Both yourself and @windtunnel seem to have hit a nail. It's given me so much hope for the future. Thank you!!

'That's what he says I do. Gaslighting! I don't understand the term. It just gets thrown at me a lot. He turns everything around. If I say he's taken something too personally. He answer that with 'no, you have' when I haven't even expressed an opinion. God I could cry!!'

And ditto I've been in exactly the same scenario as this too. It's so sad.

Is this a form of control do you think ? Or the beginning of it maybe

Do you have good times together? Relationships are supposed to be mainly positive. He’s wearing you down, you can’t even have a normal conversation. I’m getting frustrated just reading about him!

His behaviour is so unhealthy. He needs to speak to a professional.

My partner used to do shit like this before I firmly stamped it out. They can change, have hope!

I'm a bit worried that you are now pleased and have hope for the future having learned that he likely has deep-seated issues around attachment, and may even have a personality disorder.

DON'T imagine that you can save him, cure him, help him, or change him in any way. He may change, but it won't be because of you.

He may find counselling useful. Or he may not be ready at this stage in his life. Or counselling may be useless if his issues are too severe.

Please don't be a martyr. It is not your role to heal him.

This and the OP’s post could’ve been written about my relationship with my ex-husband. It very nearly broke me as I started to believe that any expression of my emotions was an extreme reaction and a sign of me being mentally unwell. Looking back I realise I was completely normal but he took every opportunity to cast himself in the role of victim, which meant I had to be the aggressor. I spent years tiptoeing around him, fearing how he would find fault with me/blame me for making him upset and miserable. I thought I was a dreadful person. He eventually cheated on me with someone we employed, 20years his junior - which was supposedly my fault because I wasn’t supportive enough. Some people have to position others in order to sit comfortably in the role they see themself in. Think carefully about whether this is what’s going on, if you can work together to change it, and if not are you happy living like this?

Yuck it sounds like this is projection.......his anger means you are angry and then he gaslights you. I don't think things will improve unless he see a problem (ie him). If it quacks like a duck.....

@DidyouNO ah thank you for the thanks, it's good to know I've maybe helped, I was thinking of coming off MN for a bit so I'm glad my "final" post was helpful.
Good luck, life, and relating to our partners can be really hard sometimes...happy new year xx

I haven’t! So I end up leaving the room or we have an argument.
He will tell me that I’m in a bad mood and then sure enough I end up in one when I was fine previously.

He might not respect “the police” but no one is above the law and there are laws protecting you and DC from this abuser. The police represent the broader criminal justice system. Tough shit if doesn’t respect them - let’s see how he likes his behaviour read out to a judge.

Sorry - wrong thread.

Use the Broken Record technique every time he does this annoying thing.
www.revolutionlearning.co.uk/article/the-broken-record-technique/

I would choose something like "stop telling me how I feel, it's annoying & inaccurate" ... & keep saying it til he gets the message.

I can't tell if he;s looking to pick a fight, micromanaging you, or starting to control you, but suggest you keep a very wary eye on this ... whateveritis he is up to.

It sounds fucking enraging btw - does he not believe you are a fully functional, autonomous adult?