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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DM neighbour thinks I’m being unkind but I’ve never told anyone the truth about DM wwyd?

59 replies

TheSecretMayBeOut · 30/12/2022 18:08

a friend I’d known for many years moved next door to DM in 2019.

When covid / lockdown happened they very kindly knocked and checked on DM and did her shopping for her etc. regularly text me to let me know what they were doing and I said thanks etc.

I wasn’t doing it because I’m at good times extremely low contact with DM and at bad times NC. I haven’t told people this as I don’t want to talk about my abusive childhood as it’s traumatic for me to do so.

DM is very needy and obviously liked the fact she was getting help and attention from her neighbour. However this has obviously become draining for then and my friend has messaged me and said it’s my mother and how I really should be helping her and that they can’t continue to do so as they are doing so much that they haven’t minded as like to help but how it’s been awkward that I clearly don’t do anything for my own mum.

DM comes across as sweet and helpless and has a public image. I haven’t replied yet because I don’t know what to say? I’ll have to either ignore it or explain what happened in the past which will be upsetting and make me Ill as I have ptsd and only work through things carefully in therapy sessions and block it out the rest of the time.

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 30/12/2022 18:14

Tell her the truth, abuse thrives in secrecy. It’s then up to your friend to decide how to proceed. No one is forcing her to help your mum. She can say no.

Original poster
TheSecretMayBeOut · 30/12/2022 18:15

Blanca87 · 30/12/2022 18:14

Tell her the truth, abuse thrives in secrecy. It’s then up to your friend to decide how to proceed. No one is forcing her to help your mum. She can say no.

The thought of talking about it outside of therapy sessions just makes me so anxious . If I don’t say anything though I’ll fit the image DM liked to portray of me as a horrible uncaring person

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 30/12/2022 18:17

Can you discuss it with your therapist or is it a while until you see them again?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/12/2022 18:18

Tell your friend and prepare to be blocked. It's a better outcome, whatever you may feel about it right now.

Newwardrobe · 30/12/2022 18:18

Tell your friend that you don't want to go into detail but your mother hasn't been very nice to you in the past and so you find it best to keep your distance. If your friend had any brains, she'll be able to read between the lines .

ProfYaffle · 30/12/2022 18:18

Could you maybe ask your therapist for advice on what to say?

We had a similarish situation with FIL. He was a convicted paedophile and we were almost nc with him. He was elderly when he came out of prison and in poor health. We had lots of calls from carers, nurses, other patients etc trying to get us to engage and support him. I think most of them didn't know his history. We just dodged it, didn't explain fully just made 'hmm' noises through the conversations and never took things any further. He's dead now but I'm content with how we handled things.

I guess with this being a friend it's going to take a bit more than being evasive. Is there anyone who could explain on your behalf and get her to back off?

Blanca87 · 30/12/2022 18:19

I totally get that! it sounds like you have a lot of untangling to do in therapy as you are still entrenched with protecting your mums optics rather then voice your own truth. Good luck with everything. ❤️

User57713 · 30/12/2022 18:19

I would say "I have a difficult relationship with my mother, I don't get involved in her day to day life. You don't need to keep helping her, feel free to say no" and just leave it at that.

pompomsandtinsel · 30/12/2022 18:20

Can you be honest via text without giving too much info. Something like...

I understand how this situation looks from the outside. I don't really want to give out many details but there are many many reasons I don't have much contact with my mother.

UWhatNow · 30/12/2022 18:21

Say ‘thanks for your concern but I have my own reasons for keeping certain boundaries with my mother. Please do not ask me to elaborate but know that my level of support and contact with her is my own business and very personal. Thank you for all you choose to do for her.’

romdowa · 30/12/2022 18:21

You don't have to tell this person anything. Just reply and tell her that she no longer has to help your mother if she doesn't want to but you won't be stepping up and if she is concerned then to contact adult social services.
Your past is none of her business

Forthelast · 30/12/2022 18:21

I would explain you're not in a position to help as you had a very traumatic childhood and leave it at that, possibly blocking the number. You're always going to look like the bad guy here.

Original poster
TheSecretMayBeOut · 30/12/2022 18:22

pompomsandtinsel · 30/12/2022 18:20

Can you be honest via text without giving too much info. Something like...

I understand how this situation looks from the outside. I don't really want to give out many details but there are many many reasons I don't have much contact with my mother.

Yes I might do that , Thankyou

it seems evasive of me but I try to block it out until I’m in a safe place with my therapist to discuss it so if I copy out that message I can still keep it all pushed to the back of my mind if that makes sense as I don’t feel able to cope with thinking about it at any other time currently

OP posts:
Mardyface · 30/12/2022 18:22

Ugh sorry you're in this position. I think I would message something like 'please don't do anything you're not happy with doing for my mother. The situation between me & her is complicated and not something I can talk about freely. I'm sure you understand'.

If the friend pushes it you are under absolutely no obligation to explain further. This person has irritated me on your behalf! Why would anyone assume they understood a parent/adult child relationship?

Lkydfju · 30/12/2022 18:24

I think you can say that your childhood was not good as a result of your mothers actions and it’s had a long term impact on you so you protect yourself with low contact and leave it there. You don’t need to go into details and if they are a friend they won’t expect you to. That will also make them feel they can withdraw support without feeling bad

starrylights · 30/12/2022 18:25

Gosh are you my sister? She sounds just like my mum. It's hard isn't it? I am not sure what to say either but understand the complex feelings. I do think however that you have to accept that others may not understand and that's ok.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 30/12/2022 18:25

I have a similar relationship with my mum and when she had a hip operation her friend looked after her. They aren't friends anymore

I'm afraid that you have to be brave and just say that you don't have much of a relationship with her because of her behaviour towards you and then ignore any messages after that.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone else, you are an adult and make your own decisions. Believe in yourself and your decision to put yourself first Flowers

Petronus · 30/12/2022 18:26

TheSecretMayBeOut · 30/12/2022 18:22

Yes I might do that , Thankyou

it seems evasive of me but I try to block it out until I’m in a safe place with my therapist to discuss it so if I copy out that message I can still keep it all pushed to the back of my mind if that makes sense as I don’t feel able to cope with thinking about it at any other time currently

Show quote history

I think this is a really good message. Anyone with half a brain would read between the lines and let the matter drop.

pompomsandtinsel · 30/12/2022 18:26

@TheSecretMayBeOut if the neighbour comes back with more questions (it would very very rude of them if they did) I would not answer their questions. Don't feel you have to answer anything just because someone asks

girlmom21 · 30/12/2022 18:26

User57713 · 30/12/2022 18:19

I would say "I have a difficult relationship with my mother, I don't get involved in her day to day life. You don't need to keep helping her, feel free to say no" and just leave it at that.

I'd say this

PatriciaHolm · 30/12/2022 18:26

Can you text her a version of what you have said here? That you are grateful for what she has done, but due to past abuse from your mum, you have PTSD and are essentially non contact, and you are sorry but you cannot enter any more discussion.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/12/2022 18:27

I'm sort of in the same position OP. Generally people seem to warm to my DM, she makes connections with people when she gets the opportunity and they like or love her and are generous in their time and effort with her.

That's great and I'm all for it, but I as her daughter don't have any closeness with her because my childhood, more importantly my teens, were BAD and the damage is irrepairable. Yes, even 40 years later.

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 18:29

I had exactly this situation with my Mum. Exactly. Well the neighbour wasn’t my friend but otherwise… yes. I just had to say to them my relationship with my mum was very complex and what she chooses to do for her was up to her but I was not prepared to do more than I was. And repeat. When my Mum died people openly judged the way I dealt with it but I learnt to get a thick skin, they hadn’t lived the life I had with her. Just ignorance. (My mum was an alcoholic and schizophrenic, and my childhood was horrific. Yet as an adult she “recovered” to some degree and was able to control herself around others so she became a sweet little old lady, but she was still horrendous to me).

PearlclutchersInc · 30/12/2022 18:31

Can you just tell your friend that all is not as it seems and just that you don't have a good relationship. Hints might work rather than telling the black and white truth?

Minimalme · 30/12/2022 18:33

My Mother's neighbour helped her during Covid, even though me and my two sisters were also running ourselves ragged for her.

Me and one sister went no contact and I imagine my Mother's neighbour really regrets getting involved.

My Auntie text me to tell me to get in touch. Not because she thinks my Mother is a nice person, but because she is sick of the abusive bitch.

I would block your friend. I find it really hard to discuss the abuse I went through because I was taught that I caused it/deserved it. Telling people who don't appear understanding would be impossible.

Which is why I just block them now. Also block your Mother.