DM neighbour thinks I’m being unkind but I’ve never told anyone the truth about DM wwyd?

[TheSecretMayBeOut]

a friend I’d known for many years moved next door to DM in 2019.

When covid / lockdown happened they very kindly knocked and checked on DM and did her shopping for her etc. regularly text me to let me know what they were doing and I said thanks etc.

I wasn’t doing it because I’m at good times extremely low contact with DM and at bad times NC. I haven’t told people this as I don’t want to talk about my abusive childhood as it’s traumatic for me to do so.

DM is very needy and obviously liked the fact she was getting help and attention from her neighbour. However this has obviously become draining for then and my friend has messaged me and said it’s my mother and how I really should be helping her and that they can’t continue to do so as they are doing so much that they haven’t minded as like to help but how it’s been awkward that I clearly don’t do anything for my own mum.

DM comes across as sweet and helpless and has a public image. I haven’t replied yet because I don’t know what to say? I’ll have to either ignore it or explain what happened in the past which will be upsetting and make me Ill as I have ptsd and only work through things carefully in therapy sessions and block it out the rest of the time.

I don’t know what to do

I would say something like:

"Thanks so much for helping out. I understand your frustration but I would really appreciate if you could understand there is more to the situation with my mother than meets the eye. I won't go into detail but am sure if I told you, it would be clear as to why I need to keep a distance for my own sanity. You are not obliged to do anymore for her and you have my support to tell her so in whatever way you need to so that she understands you need your own space and boundaries"

I understand how this situation looks from the outside. I don't really want to give out many details but there are many many reasons I don't have much contact with my mother.

Yes, go with this one. Your friend would have to be as thick as mince not to be able to connect the dots.
She got herself into this situation, she can get herself out of it or move

Text her back

There is a huge backstory. I'm currently in therapy and not able to discuss it outside my therapy sessions. Someday I will tell you but for now I cannot have much contact for the sake of my own health.

“Please don’t feel obliged to help further. Much as I genuinely appreciate everything you have done for my mother, I cannot regularly be in her presence due to ongoing trauma stemming from sustained abuse.”

Your friend needs to engage her brain. I’m sure she’s aware that sometimes people don’t have much or any contact with family members and they have their reasons.

You don’t have to explain to anyone. If you feel the need to say something and feel uncomfortable with much detail, just say you have valid reasons for not having much contact and your mother is different to how she presents herself to others. If she’s a good friend, she’ll trust that and read between the lines. If she continues to say you should help, she’s not a friend.

I hope the therapy helps you.

I would use one of the messages above about your relationship being complicated (be as blunt as you are able to be so that they understand the seriousness), and add a bit about them not feeling obliged to help because you're friends. They should treat her as they would any other neighbour, and if they fall out with your mother you won't hold it against them at all.

Some of the replies on here are very harsh on the friend but I don't think the friends done anything that bad. She is probably frustrated and worried and if she genuinely has no idea that there are issues with your mother then I think I would forgive her comments. After all she has been helping out thinking she was doing you a favour along with just being neighbourly. She might wish you had told her sooner 🫤. You said you used to thank her for doing it so I think it's a bit mean to not give her any leeway with her snippy comments. She genuinely thought she was being kind and that you were being selfish. I think you need to give her a chance to understand the situation before writing her behaviour off as 'appalling' as suggested by a previous poster.

I get this all the time from extended family, who have made my dm entirely dependent on them. I know they think I’m awful for visiting so rarely-I’m 5 hours away, they’re 5 minutes. Something came out when I visited last year and one family member told everyone else and I think was genuinely appalled. They’re starting to realise why I’m so lc, despite being there during my childhood.

I think in your position, OP, I’d give one of the fairly neutral responses on here, no need for intimate details, just a flat ‘No, I will not be more involved with her’.

I had this with the neighbours of my late, hideously abusive father; sadly they fell for his "poor old chap" act, which TBF would have been worthy of an Oscar

If it's any help, I used to go for something like "Past issues don't allow for me being in his company"