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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DM neighbour thinks I’m being unkind but I’ve never told anyone the truth about DM wwyd?

59 replies

TheSecretMayBeOut · 30/12/2022 18:08

a friend I’d known for many years moved next door to DM in 2019.

When covid / lockdown happened they very kindly knocked and checked on DM and did her shopping for her etc. regularly text me to let me know what they were doing and I said thanks etc.

I wasn’t doing it because I’m at good times extremely low contact with DM and at bad times NC. I haven’t told people this as I don’t want to talk about my abusive childhood as it’s traumatic for me to do so.

DM is very needy and obviously liked the fact she was getting help and attention from her neighbour. However this has obviously become draining for then and my friend has messaged me and said it’s my mother and how I really should be helping her and that they can’t continue to do so as they are doing so much that they haven’t minded as like to help but how it’s been awkward that I clearly don’t do anything for my own mum.

DM comes across as sweet and helpless and has a public image. I haven’t replied yet because I don’t know what to say? I’ll have to either ignore it or explain what happened in the past which will be upsetting and make me Ill as I have ptsd and only work through things carefully in therapy sessions and block it out the rest of the time.

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Bluekerfuffle · 30/12/2022 18:33

You don’t have to give details, just telling them yoi had an abusive childhood is enough.

Thingshavebecomeweird · 30/12/2022 18:36

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/12/2022 18:27

I'm sort of in the same position OP. Generally people seem to warm to my DM, she makes connections with people when she gets the opportunity and they like or love her and are generous in their time and effort with her.

That's great and I'm all for it, but I as her daughter don't have any closeness with her because my childhood, more importantly my teens, were BAD and the damage is irrepairable. Yes, even 40 years later.

Are you me? It is exhausting.

Eastie77Returns · 30/12/2022 18:43

User57713‘s response is spot on. I have a similar situation with my dad who is idolised by many people who think he is amazing. He is in fact a pretty horrific human being and I have very little contact with him despite family friends telling me I should amend my ways “before it’s too late”. I know they judge me for not visiting him. I’d love to ask them if they’d visit a man they witnessed beating their siblings senseless or chasing their mother around the house with a machete.

However he has done such a great job at convincing everyone he is a lovable, sweet old man it would all fall on deaf ears.

ttcat37 · 30/12/2022 18:47

My mum is extremely needy and constantly plays people off against one another. Meaning everyone feels sorry for her but things everyone else is awful. I don’t care anymore what people think. As they get to know her they see through it.

I’d say something along the lines of “the arrangement I have with my mother is intentional. There’s no obligation for you to do as much as you do. Thanks though”

Stripedbag101 · 30/12/2022 18:58

Why is it that people assume that everyone over 60 is a sweet and helpless angel?

I have a friend who is no contact with her mother. I would never judge - I don’t know the full story but I assume it takes a lot to cut contact. I know it is incredibly painful for her and I only feel sympathy.

how dare your friend tell you how to treat your mother!

I agree a low detail message is the way to go

‘Please don’t do more than you are comfortable with. My relationship with my mother is complex and deeply personal.As a result I will not change my interaction with her. I hope you can understand that this is a painful subject, and one I cannot revisit.’

Councilhouseandproud · 30/12/2022 19:00

Im not in a position to help. If it's too much for you then you don't have to help. Can call xyz

Gh12345 · 30/12/2022 19:02

Without trying to sound blunt, your friend truly has made her bed and she’ll have to lie in it. I don’t understand why she’s involved you?

I would either tell your friend what you’ve wrote on here or just say ‘you’ll have to tell her that you can’t help out anymore’

StaunchMomma · 30/12/2022 19:06

I agree that you need to message her with little information but I do think you need to be a bit stronger in your language to ensure that the issue is shut down once and for all.

'I'm sure my Mother has very grateful for your help, and you have been awfully kind to do so, but you should be aware that, for historical reasons I will not discuss outside of the family, I am low to no-contact with her, as I have been for some time. If you have any further concerns about her care, please feel free to report them to social services.'

It sounds harsh but I do think you're going to come out of this looking like the bad guy if you give some wishy-washy excuse for being absent.

Thereisnolight · 30/12/2022 19:11

User57713 · 30/12/2022 18:19

I would say "I have a difficult relationship with my mother, I don't get involved in her day to day life. You don't need to keep helping her, feel free to say no" and just leave it at that.

This is perfect.
Saying nothing isn’t helpful to your friend, it’s just annoying. State your case (without going into detail, if you prefer) and allow her the courtesy of having the information she needs. As well as allowing you and her friend to continue to be on good terms if you so wish.

Thereisnolight · 30/12/2022 19:12

You and your friend I mean

OrpingtonWings · 30/12/2022 19:15

We have similar with my MIL. Even my bloody sister texts her etc. It was hard recently at my FIL funeral. We let her give the illusion we’re all one happy family but didn’t go to the wake. Her friends/family fell into groups. Those who threw us evils and those who were kind and lovely and clearly realised there were two sides to the story of our low contact with my in laws.

MsRosley · 30/12/2022 19:24

Shout out to everyone here who is a survivor of abusive/narcissistic parents. Especially you, OP. I completely understand how you feel, and glad you have a supportive therapist.

ZenNudist · 30/12/2022 19:42

There are some nice eloquent messages here.

Thing is this person doesn't sound like a friend. They sound spineless for texting you but bullying for raising it at all.

I'd be more robust in your response. Something like: "it is none of my business what help you provide to your neighbours. It is none of your business what my relationship is with my mother. You might want to reconsider being so judgemental given you don't know anything about the history or circumstances."

Also perhaps spell it out: "your message has upset me a great deal and if you call yourself my friend it would have been better to discuss this with me in person".

Personally I'd distance myself from someone who did this.

Robin233 · 30/12/2022 19:46

@Mardyface

Ugh sorry you're in this position. I think I would message something like 'please don't do anything you're not happy with doing for my mother. The situation between me & her is complicated and not something I can talk about freely. I'm sure you understand'.

If the friend pushes it you are under absolutely no obligation to explain further. This person has irritated me on your behalf! Why would anyone assume they understood a parent/adult child relationship?
^^^^^^
Perfect
Nailed it
We are in the position on your friend.
But we do have very strong boundaries.
We are able to help without feeling put upon or blaming the ds.
It's a win win.

MsRosley · 30/12/2022 19:46

Personally I'd distance myself from someone who did this.

Agree. No one who is really a friend would heap judgement on you without gently asking first if there was some reason you keep your distance from your mother.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/12/2022 20:09

"Perhaps you haven't considered it, but I am not especially close to my mother for very good reasons dating back to years before you met her. I won't be changing my relationship with her now so please just continue to be involved as you wish to be, that's your choice".

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/12/2022 20:12

I have a friend whose very well known mother died in the last year or two (deliberately vague). It was hard for her to see all the plaudits in the press, all the column inches. As friend said "she was a much admired woman but not a great mother". She wasn't neglectful or abusive either. Just not good enough.

Hepzibar · 30/12/2022 20:34

People like this truly astound me, What do they think that upon receipt of their message you'll do as they say? The sheer cheek of it.

There are some excellent suggestions for a responses, mine would be a bit more to the point

Stickytoff · 30/12/2022 20:43

I had similar during covid. My parents neighbours were seriously annoyed that I wasn’t supporting my parents with shopping etc. In fact very serious childhood abuse had come out in the family and my parents were and continue to be pretending the abuse didn’t happen and were continuing on with the abuser as though they know nothing. I don’t speak to my parents any longer. I told the irate neighbours the truth. They aren’t pissed off any longer. The understand why we no longer speak and obviously given the risk to their own children were grateful to know it. I would do the same again.

In your shoes I wouldn’t mince my words. I would actually use the word abuse so you are not being unclear or minimising it.

HoisttheMainSail · 30/12/2022 21:11

You poor thing!

I second the excellent responses on here.

i have a good friend whose mother is absolutely horrible to her, but nice to her siblings. It’s heartbreaking.

The one thing she says when people outside the family criticise her is that they have no idea what it was like to be her mother’s child. This is followed by a hard meaningful stare.

People who have OK - ish relationships with their parents or no empathy have absolutely no idea what you are going through.

Take care of yourself

SunflowerTed · 31/12/2022 00:57

pompomsandtinsel · 30/12/2022 18:20

Can you be honest via text without giving too much info. Something like...

I understand how this situation looks from the outside. I don't really want to give out many details but there are many many reasons I don't have much contact with my mother.

Perfect

billy1966 · 31/12/2022 01:34

ZenNudist · 30/12/2022 19:42

There are some nice eloquent messages here.

Thing is this person doesn't sound like a friend. They sound spineless for texting you but bullying for raising it at all.

I'd be more robust in your response. Something like: "it is none of my business what help you provide to your neighbours. It is none of your business what my relationship is with my mother. You might want to reconsider being so judgemental given you don't know anything about the history or circumstances."

Also perhaps spell it out: "your message has upset me a great deal and if you call yourself my friend it would have been better to discuss this with me in person".

Personally I'd distance myself from someone who did this.

This.

This person is not your friend.
She is very cheeky to stick her nose into your business.

I think a very firm sharp approach is best.

She has massively over stepped.

Block her number to drive the point home should you wish.

I am so sorry for your upset.

Schnooze · 31/12/2022 01:47

It’s a pity you didn’t say something earlier. Perhaps they only got as involved as they did as a favour to you as a friend. They could be unhappy you didn’t say earlier.

I’d text them and apologise for not saying earlier but you find it a difficult subject to talk about so have been burying your head in the sand rather. Explain that for reasons you’d rather not go into, you prefer to keep your distance. Sorry you didn’t say earlier again, but it’s very emotive for you.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2022 03:13

If go with something like: 'Based on your own experience with her, do you have an idea why it might be that I do not do more for her? It was nice of you to help but sometimes it's also necessary to have strong boundaries'

TheaBrandt · 31/12/2022 03:29

Your friend’s behaviour is appalling. As she’s a friend surely she knows you are a thoughtful decent person so will be low contact for a good reason. How dare she question that? She’s entered the scenario like a bull in a China shop. I work with the elderly and often there is estrangement I always wonder what the other side of the story is.