I don't like my sister in law

Grandmistress991 · 2022-12-30T13:52:09+00:00

I have tried but all I see is manipulative selfish behaviour. To be fair she doesn't like me either. The basis for this may have been I have always been close to my brother, her husband. She seems to be a jealous, competitive person and doesn't like my closeness to him. Myself and my siblings all see how she dominates everything, it is her way or no way. He is too good for his own good and really needs to stand up to her but doesn't. This of course is his choice and his relationship. We will never say anything but oh my god it is hard to watch. How do others cope in similar circumstances.

Mardyface · 30/12/2022 13:56

First step is to stop bitching about her with your siblings.

Then try to be friends with her as a person separate from your brother. You describe him as a blameless victim but presumably he gets something from the relationship and her company, try to find what it is.

Glindara · 30/12/2022 14:01

Your attitude will push him away and prove her “right”.

She will sense this from you all - no words need to be said - and she will then be more guarded, hostile, over bearing etc.

Kill her with kindness.

If you want one on one time with your DB - think of a hobbie - mine does Park Run with me - so we have a 10 min chat on Sat am - and has a season ticket with my Dad so they do their own thing then.

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 21:41

Mardyface · 30/12/2022 13:56

First step is to stop bitching about her with your siblings.

Then try to be friends with her as a person separate from your brother. You describe him as a blameless victim but presumably he gets something from the relationship and her company, try to find what it is.

I have written out about 3 or 4 replies to this to try and illustrate the situation but it would be very outing.

Is it bitching if you are trying to protect yourself or your other siblings from her games ? If that is the case then yep we are bitching. We talk to each other because we have picked up on how she tries to manipulate us too. We are now rarely ever wrong. After 20 years her games are alot more obvious.

I started this thread out of pure frustration. From the get go I was welcoming and friendly, we all were, but she abused this and I never trusted her thereafter. So I have tried the friend thing, and the kill her with kindness thing. She has exploited us all in some shape manner or form.

We dont say anything as we will never allow her to divide us from our brother which honestly I think she would love to do she seems to resent our sibling friendships and time together.

There probably isn't much point in this thread as I can't say too much as it could be very outing, so sorry if I've wasted your time. It is just hard to watch.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 30/12/2022 21:44

You have my sympathy. I can’t stand BILs new partner either, and nor can any of DHs family. It’s ruining the family dynamic - family events that she attends are now excruciating when they used to be lovely. Very sad.

PigeonPerchingOnMyWall · 30/12/2022 21:47

Your post come across as ‘we all’, ‘we are’.
It sounds a bit your family versus her. If that how it feels to her and that’s how you are as a family, then I can see why you may get some hostility back.
I agree with the pps who say kill her with kindness. Make her feel included and like she matters and see if her behaviour alters.

JennyForeigner · 30/12/2022 21:52

I don't love my SIL.

I mean, she's ok but she is weirdly invested in my relationship with my husband, which is the one at the centre of our lives. Decisions we make as a couple are used as evidence for some kind of eternal case for the prosecution against me that I didn't know I had to defend myself against.

The bloody woman spends her life giving me side eye and muttering to siblings and it's exhausting. I just want never to see any of them again.

See what I did there?

Glindara · 30/12/2022 21:52

If you have tried everything to improve things for 20 years with zero success then you just have to “manage” her.

Put in boundaries and be calm and clear. Call her out calmly if she is rude but don’t disintegrate to anger.

She hasn’t kept your DB for 20 years - so she hasn’t “won”.

What is it specifically that you want more of from your DB?

Quveas · 30/12/2022 21:55

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 21:41

I have written out about 3 or 4 replies to this to try and illustrate the situation but it would be very outing.

Is it bitching if you are trying to protect yourself or your other siblings from her games ? If that is the case then yep we are bitching. We talk to each other because we have picked up on how she tries to manipulate us too. We are now rarely ever wrong. After 20 years her games are alot more obvious.

I started this thread out of pure frustration. From the get go I was welcoming and friendly, we all were, but she abused this and I never trusted her thereafter. So I have tried the friend thing, and the kill her with kindness thing. She has exploited us all in some shape manner or form.

We dont say anything as we will never allow her to divide us from our brother which honestly I think she would love to do she seems to resent our sibling friendships and time together.

There probably isn't much point in this thread as I can't say too much as it could be very outing, so sorry if I've wasted your time. It is just hard to watch.

Show quote history

This actually sounds like "for 20 years you lot have been ganging up on her". She is married to your brother. Get over it.

LonginesPrime · 30/12/2022 22:00

Is it bitching if you are trying to protect yourself or your other siblings from her games ? If that is the case then yep we are bitching. We talk to each other because we have picked up on how she tries to manipulate us too. We are now rarely ever wrong. After 20 years her games are alot more obvious.

Why are you still feeding into the drama and playing her games?

I don't understand why you are still engaging with her if she is that terrible - just avoid her or set clear boundaries to avoid getting sucked into the drama.

BaublesandBangles · 30/12/2022 22:02

Neither do most people on MN.

YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 22:03

You don't have to like her. But you should respect she is your brothers wife and has been for 20 years.

Have you ever discussed this with him?

You talk about games and manipulation, like what? And example will help understand your perspective.

Nat6999 · 30/12/2022 22:04

I don't like mine either, she leads my dB a dogs life, the kids are picking up on it & she speaks to me & my mum like we are something she trod in.

SoManyCreepyBears · 30/12/2022 22:06

Are you my SIL?!

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:09

LonginesPrime · 30/12/2022 22:00

Is it bitching if you are trying to protect yourself or your other siblings from her games ? If that is the case then yep we are bitching. We talk to each other because we have picked up on how she tries to manipulate us too. We are now rarely ever wrong. After 20 years her games are alot more obvious.

Why are you still feeding into the drama and playing her games?

I don't understand why you are still engaging with her if she is that terrible - just avoid her or set clear boundaries to avoid getting sucked into the drama.

We are close to my brother, given the option we wouldn't be involved with her at all. But we all live close to each other and so family gatherings mean it is difficult to disengage completely. Also as i said we don't say or do anything as this would make our relationship with our brother difficult which would play into her hands. Something we won't do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:10

SoManyCreepyBears · 30/12/2022 22:06

Are you my SIL?!

Yes

OP posts:

Sunsetintheeast · 30/12/2022 22:11

I don’t like mine much either. Difficult as I really wanted to, but she’s domineering, and difficult. She’s a control freak and runs DB ragged.

I’ve given up now. I keep it civil, but I’m done going out of my way for royal visits and the like.

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:17

YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 22:03

You don't have to like her. But you should respect she is your brothers wife and has been for 20 years.

Have you ever discussed this with him?

You talk about games and manipulation, like what? And example will help understand your perspective.

WE don't respond to her games at least in the way she wants us to. We won't fall out with her despite her actions because we respect my brother. No we haven't discussed it with him because she is his wife and he obviously loves her.

As I've said her behaviours are very outing and I shouldn't have started the thread because if this . So sorry I can't elaborate. I just knee jerk responded to something she did and started this thread but shouldn't have. Sorry I'm wasting people's time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:22

JennyForeigner · 30/12/2022 21:52

I don't love my SIL.

I mean, she's ok but she is weirdly invested in my relationship with my husband, which is the one at the centre of our lives. Decisions we make as a couple are used as evidence for some kind of eternal case for the prosecution against me that I didn't know I had to defend myself against.

The bloody woman spends her life giving me side eye and muttering to siblings and it's exhausting. I just want never to see any of them again.

See what I did there?

Sorry I am wasting your time. I have provided very little specific information for you to base your assumptions. This is my fault and I shouldn't have started the thread.

OP posts:

Clarabe1 · 30/12/2022 22:25

I am in the same situation with one of my SIL’s. I have bitten my tongue so many times I am surprised I haven’t bitten it off. Horrible, selfish and domineering woman. Still it’s my brothers choice and I don’t interfere. I just try and keep away from her as much as possible. It is awful though, I dread seeing the bloody woman.

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:28

LonginesPrime · 30/12/2022 22:00

Is it bitching if you are trying to protect yourself or your other siblings from her games ? If that is the case then yep we are bitching. We talk to each other because we have picked up on how she tries to manipulate us too. We are now rarely ever wrong. After 20 years her games are alot more obvious.

Why are you still feeding into the drama and playing her games?

I don't understand why you are still engaging with her if she is that terrible - just avoid her or set clear boundaries to avoid getting sucked into the drama.

We do our best not to but we live close together and are close so it's sort of unavoidable mixing with them. We have withdrawn as much as we can to avoid drama without removing my DB from our lives altogether.

As I said I shouldn't have started the thread at all without specific incidences but they would be too outing. Apologies for wasting your time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:29

Clarabe1 · 30/12/2022 22:25

I am in the same situation with one of my SIL’s. I have bitten my tongue so many times I am surprised I haven’t bitten it off. Horrible, selfish and domineering woman. Still it’s my brothers choice and I don’t interfere. I just try and keep away from her as much as possible. It is awful though, I dread seeing the bloody woman.

Ditto.

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JennyForeigner · 30/12/2022 22:30

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:22

Sorry I am wasting your time. I have provided very little specific information for you to base your assumptions. This is my fault and I shouldn't have started the thread.

Show quote history

I hope you have found it therapeutic tbh. I don't find one of my SILs the easiest - but as you obviously feel too, it is hard to express without feeling unreasonable or that you are somehow subtly letting your sibling and often parents down.

If it were easy MN would be a lot smaller!

Mardyface · 30/12/2022 22:34

If bitching means talking about what you don't like about her in a group then yes, it counts. I don't mean it simply as a rebuke though; I really think it's counter-productive. There is absolutely no room for any of you to find anything good about her if you continue to bond with each other over how much you dislike her. And your brother must have found something to like about her.

If not and it's a question of defending/protecting him then you need to do what you're doing and keep the relationship as close as you can bear - but there is still no advantage in bitching about her with your siblings as far as I can see.

Original poster

Grandmistress991 · 30/12/2022 22:39

PigeonPerchingOnMyWall · 30/12/2022 21:47

Your post come across as ‘we all’, ‘we are’.
It sounds a bit your family versus her. If that how it feels to her and that’s how you are as a family, then I can see why you may get some hostility back.
I agree with the pps who say kill her with kindness. Make her feel included and like she matters and see if her behaviour alters.

Thanks for this. The 'we' is in reference to the individual and collective things she has done to all of us. We individually and collectively dont do or say anything. We continue to be kind and dont ostracise her because to do so would be ostracising our brother. 20 years of treating her with kindness hasn't made any difference.

OP posts:

Wigmic · 30/12/2022 22:47

I think you've been given a bit of a hard time here OP.

Some people are just horrible and sadly your SIL sounds like one of those people. Mine (DBIL's wife) is awful to the point half of my DP family are now non contact with them as they can't be around her toxic behaviour and we are very low contact.

Do you see DB without her?