I don't like my sister in law

[Grandmistress991]

I have tried but all I see is manipulative selfish behaviour.

To be fair she doesn't like me either. The basis for this may have been I have always been close to my brother, her husband. She seems to be a jealous, competitive person and doesn't like my closeness to him.

Myself and my siblings all see how she dominates everything, it is her way or no way. He is too good for his own good and really needs to stand up to her but doesn't. This of course is his choice and his relationship. We will never say anything but oh my god it is hard to watch.

How do others cope in similar circumstances.

The term bitching wasn't introduced by me.

Without a specific situation. If i have been made aware of something she intends to do that will be to the detriment of my sister I will let my sister know. If this is bitching well then so be it. But I will always do that.
Do I make a sport out of talking about her even though I know she does about me. No.

If i have been made aware of something she intends to do that will be to the detriment of my sister I will let my sister know.

Do you also discuss that kind of incident with your brother? I know you don't want to push him away but if she's deliberately and knowingly hurting his sister, surely he should be told too?

It is honestly fairly difficult to comment without having the least idea of any of the things she has done.

How well do your parents get on with her?

My sister in law hates me. I felt it from the first day. Shes also 'very close' with her brother (read 'controlling over every aspect of her brothers life') and i felt HER jealousy from the first minute. The way you write, ypu could be her.

Yes I see my DB several times per week when not in her company we have a mutual shared venture , nothing very lucrative or complex. Because of thisni am the one who sees him the most. Although it's not every time, it is often at these times he will say something in passing about something she has done or said. My siblings have found this also.

Because of our shared venture we have to phone each other to discuss management issues on occasion. She answers his mobile, listens to his conversations and reads his texts and makes a point of mentioning she is aware of things I've texted when she gets an opportunity. I don't actually text or talk about anything personal on the phone at all and haven't for years because of this but she frequently comments in the background when I'm talking to him and interjects with what she thinks should happen. I play along. Again it is because I don't want to cause friction with my brother that I don't say anything. Each to their own but i couldn't bear this from my partner.

Well what she does isn't life threatening as such just a selfish endeavour which would put my sister in an awkward position and financially cost her.

I shouldnt have started the thread at all. I can't be specific I think she does read mn and it was stupid.of me to even start it.

Rest easy I can reassure you that I am definitely not your sister in law in this case. I def don't control ANY ASPECT of my DBs life. We have always been very easy going with each other. Other than our tiny shared venture and our sibling family that's our only shared interest. Anyway I usually leave the bigger decisions up to him because he understands the intricacies better than I do.

I definitely didn't hate her from the get go. I actually befriended her and used to socialise with her until she betrayed my trust. We would have gone shopping together and had regular coffees but this has gone by the wayside over the years.

I live a very different life to her and my brother so jealousy doesn't factor into it. She would hate my life I'm a bit bohemian and she is so not. They wouldn't want my life and I don't want theirs.

I do think you are being annoyingly and unnecessarily vague which is why you're getting a bit of a pasting on here.

Having said that, I get it. In our case, it's DH's BIL. Well, sort of ex BIL now. But over the course of 10+ years we did our best. Bit our tongues. Watched his behaviour with a sense of astonishment but kept out of it. Over time, we gently tried to point out a few times that perhaps it's not entirely normal - eg when SIL would be stressed the entire time she was away from the house because he wanted to spend time with her.

DH and I were just chatting this evening about the many many many ways he made our lives difficult and uncomfortable over the years. Amusingly, he thinks that we are all anti him because SIL has only told us "her side of the story". When the truth is that we didn't need to hear her side - in fact, the bulk of their relationship was her justifying his shitty behaviour. Rather, we saw and experienced it ourselves. Most recently, I've been chuckling as it turns out he's been trying to "reach out" to my family in what we assume is another attempt to bad mouth the rest of us. You can't win with these people.

The only thing I would say is if your DB is happy then you need to continue to suck it up and let it go.

My parents are no longer with us. My father had dementia so didnt know her and passed years ago. My mum was never fond of her. She wasn't especially nice to my mum, but always when my brother wasn't around. She did the -right thing- at times but begrudgingly. My mum used to say she was rude or just didn't speak to her if they were alone together.

I do recognise its hard to comment with the lack of detail so apologies.

Well what she does isn't life threatening as such just a selfish endeavour which would put my sister in an awkward position and financially cost her.

It doesn't need to be life-threatening before you say something (to either her or your brother) though!

Do you think there might be an element of having got into a pattern of just accepting her behaviour and now after 20 years it feels like it would be too awkward to suddenly start objecting because she's been like it from the start?

My SIL is also one that is always on DBIL’s phone. She once took issue that someone text DBIL to say they missed them and didn’t say they missed her too. If the roles were reversed people would be shouting emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

Thats good you get to have some one on one time with your DB. Is there a way you stick to just these meetings and bow out of group settings where she’s there to give you a bit of a break?

I see how this is frustrating for those of you reading and commenting on this and I really should not have started this thread. Thank you for your input so far.

I have been watching this 'show' for a long time but I just stupidly thought I could sound off a bit and hear from people experiencing their own nightmare sils and bils. There is no answer as I'm not prepared to risk my relationship with my brother by saying something. She already has his ear and manipulates him, I don't know how far she would be prepared to go to totally ruin our friendship and relationship? I don't want to find out. At the end of the day she is his wife and the mother of their children and we as his siblings could never challenge that. As much as we don't like or trust her it's his relationship not ours.

I don't know about accepting her behaviour but more trying to manage it as best we can. We have had to socialise more than usual for Christmas and I suppose it just reopens the already raw wound when you see her in full flow.

Sorry again for the non specifics.

I don't like my SIL's at all but I am sensible enough to realise that it's mainly because I am very different to them. We had different upbringings, came from different cultures and family dynamics. We had different educational histories. We have different interests. That makes it difficult for them to see my perspective and vice versa.
Sometimes when we think an in-law is being difficult or manipulative, etc., it's really just that we are very different from them, having different thought processes and ways of behaviour @Grandmistress991 ?

It is hard to comment without examples. My SILs
would say the same about me - they dislike me, I’m rude, they feel that I’m pulling their brother away from them. But this is result of years of me being disregarded by them, being subtlety put in my place about everything and them trying to convince my husband to prioritise them instead of me and our family. I’ve finally lost my patience and don’t want anything to do with them. If you asked them, they would say they’ve been nothing but kind to me as they are very blind to how they behave, so there’s always two sides to every story.

I'm sorry, it does sound like a difficult situation.

I don't much like mine either. Luckily she is married to DH's sibling rather than mine so I kind of act like she doesn't exist nowadays, after trying very hard for the past 20 years.
It may or may not upset MIL, who feels that the women of the family should be arranging get togethers etc as it's not a Man Job, but I don't get involved and leave it to the brothers.
I suspect she doesn't like me much either and that's just fine.

What's her family situation op? I get where to you're coming from, I have a BIL I'd prefer not to have - he's not rude or anything, I just think he's overly anxious and saps the life out of my sister but I've accepted that's her choice.

He came from a tiny family (him and parents, now dead) and I think he just doesn't feel comfortable in a larger family. Maybe your SIL is the same?

I think you have to suck it up and be there for your DB if he ever needs you. But NEVER tell him what you think of her, even if it looks like they're breaking up. Any antipathy to her will work against you.

I don't know about accepting her behaviour but more trying to manage it as best we can. We have had to socialise more than usual for Christmas and I suppose it just reopens the already raw wound when you see her in full flow.

That makes sense, OP.

On the plus side, at least you have your other siblings to vent to and who see it all too. I know it doesn't help much (as you acknowledge, it's hard to know what to suggest without the specifics that you understandably don't want to give!), but I guess some people only have that one married sibling and no-one else who sees the truth.

However, as helpful as it may be to have the support of your other siblings, have you tried journalling to get the frustration out before/after you see her? I find it often helps me to deal with situations with difficult family members when I need to hold my tongue and just get through my time with them. I write angry pages and pages to get it out of my system - I find it's really useful as it tends to take the heat out of the situation, whereas discussing it with others (especially those also involved) can end up giving the frustration even more oxygen as they add in their perspectives and the whole thing just grows.

It sounds as though your DB has been married for 20 years and you still haven't adjusted to sharing him with his wife. You're infantilising your DB. If you were my sibling and still so hostile to my DP after such a long period of time, I'd be reducing contact with you.

Ah! I could have been your SIL. Many years ago. DHs family decided that his decisions were all forced by me. They told him he shouldn't give up his job and go to Uni because it 'just wasn't him' I was forcing him to be something he wasn't.

They spoke about me, even decided to run an intervention at one point.

They were all wrong. Their problem was that I didn't see him in the same way they did,.with all the family angst and history attached. My not seeing the person they saw was quite liberating for him and he followed my lead for a while, before he found his feet and independence, courage, properly.

He did much the same for me a few years later.

But his family definitely still see me as an overbearing, dominant woman who rules his life. They don't see him as an adult who chose to get an education and then a career that took him all over the world. No, that was all me forcing him into things he doesn't like.

Maybe if you took a step back you might see things differently. Have you spoken to him about you concerns?

OP I’m really hoping you’re not my SIL either! Mine maintained a direct line with her DB and was able to pry to her heart’s content until it blew up in her face. She’s never called him since.

Give it time, make sure you and your family are behaving yourselves and if she is as bad as you say she’ll bring about her own undoing.

As much as I am not fond of her and her behaviour I have never been hostile to her. Never, despite some provocation at times too.

I don't pry. I ask general things like how she is eg if she/the kids have been unwell or if something is wrong, how they are. Polite 'non political' concern.

No I haven't spoken about my concerns and nor will I.

I can see your perspective though. A friend of mine has been married for 40 years. His family still think she tells him what to do and he just blindly follows along. He runs a business. She just laughs hysterically when they say this to her.

Thanks for the suggestion. I wouldn't put pen to paper as I would be scared it would be found at some point. It is good to have other family support and recognition it isn't just you being paranoid. What I do though is, I have a long commute once a week and if I am riled I sound off in my car not just about my sil but other life stuff. It is good therapy. Others probably think I'm off my rocker but I find it therapeutic. I do try and see things from her perspective despite everything but there have been too many occasions where her actions are entirely unreasonable.