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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I getting the piss taking out of me.

75 replies

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 11:46

A year ago I started dating, we started off with whatsapp...then phone calls then actually went out on a date in Decemeber last year. He has one son who he has maybe a couple of times a week and I have a son pretty much full time with the odd visit to his dads. Throughout the year he has cancelled coming round to mine saying he's been too busy etc several times..... he coparents with his ex amicably and I have met this family and get on with them great... a year on and there has been no overnight stays between us...even after I have mentioned this several times...he has a dog I have a dog and recently they have met and got on... a couple of weeks a go we where due to go to my Xmas party and everything was sorted like kids and dogs where all taken care of ...an hour before we where due to leave he cancelled on me! And I had to suffer the humiliation and embarrassment in going myself..he said he was sorry but didn't make amends by phonecall or coming round to see me the next day. As you can imagine I was very upset and angry and questioned our relationship. Then on Christmas eve ..him and his sons mum's family had a get together and weren't invited...and again massive question over the relationship.. feeling g rejected and not part of a couple... he briefly came round to sway presents on Christmas eve then went to his sons mother's family for their Xmas get together and left us feeling rejected...so now it's New Year and the same thing has happened for New years Day .. he's going to his sons mother's family( which I know and get on with) and havnt been invited nor has it been mentioned previously...as you can imagine after the last rejection.I now feel that I've been rejected again and can't believe that my "boyfriend " would want me to be alone on New Years Day ( my son is at his dads). I feel after a year of seeing each other being a couple means being invited to spend time together with family..I don't think I'm being unreasonable...especially after a year....or am I?

OP posts:
Acheyknees · 30/12/2022 11:53

It shouldn't be this hard should it? He's not making any effort at all is he? Make this the last time he rejects you. You're not a couple.

WednesdaysMentor · 30/12/2022 11:54

Get rid, he is not that into you and doesn’t how much he is letting you down. You deserve better.

WandaWonder · 30/12/2022 11:55

Wouldn't be easier to ask him? We can't really answer for him

Bingbong9009 · 30/12/2022 11:56

You know you deserve better than this. I’d have a frank conversation with him and leave. Life’s too short!

3487642l · 30/12/2022 11:58

What you want is reasonable but he isn't unreasonable with what he wants, it just sounds like you are incompatible with each other. Sorry you are in this situation. I think you need to find someone whose relationship goals are more in line with your own. Being ditched an hour before a party with no proper apology is pretty disrespectful though, unless there was a good reason.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 30/12/2022 12:07

You clearly aren't a couple in his eyes - he is absolutely using you for the occasional ego boost/shag.

Honestly - life is too short to waste it on relationships that are this difficult/half-hearted.

Do yourself a favour and loose some weight in the NY (about a man-sized amount).

Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:17

I have after what happened christmas eve...had a massive discussion about it and how I felt and what he expected out of this relationship his response of course I want to see you more...and a previous discussion about being involved in activities ... I've involved him loads and brought him into my family life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:20

He couldn't find anything to wear was his reason 🙄 also had the discussion about where he wants this to go and his reply was just where relationships go! And yes possibly incompatable in what we want but then he needs to tell me cause I've asked many times.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 30/12/2022 12:23

Sorry OP, as Inigo says he is absolutely using you for the occasional ego boost/shag. Honestly - life is too short to waste it on relationships that are this difficult/half-hearted.

Cancelling at short notice so often is a huge red flag in any relationship. He’s showing you are not important in his life.

catandcoffee · 30/12/2022 12:23

OP come on surely you know this isn't right. A whole year you've allowed yourself to be treated like an afterthought.

Why ?

Ofcourseshecan · 30/12/2022 12:25

He couldn't find anything to wear was his reason

That is so ridiculous, he’s openly insulting you.

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:26

I think if it's only been a year, I wouldn't really expect to spend Christmas with him. I've never spent Christmases with boyfriends until a couple of years in.

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:27

But yes the Christmas party cancellation would be a dumpable offence for me.

Oopsiedaisyy · 30/12/2022 12:29

So, in comparison, 7 months in, we both have kids, i spend my two child free nights each week with him, and every second weekend. Spent Christmas with him and his children, and two days after. Spending new year's with him, he's not perfect but he does make our time together a priority.

Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:30

Yeah I totally understand christmas Day but not Christmas eve...when our children have also met and his family have met my son too at a bonfire night. This is our 2nd christmas together as well x

OP posts:
Newwardrobe · 30/12/2022 12:31

Am I getting the piss taking out of me

Yes , massively.

Opentooffers · 30/12/2022 12:32

Letting you down an hour before your Xmas do really ought to of made you do more than question things. It's just as well he doesn't want to be involved in your life because he sees you as temporary. You might even be someone he's using to make his ex jealous.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 12:32

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:20

He couldn't find anything to wear was his reason 🙄 also had the discussion about where he wants this to go and his reply was just where relationships go! And yes possibly incompatable in what we want but then he needs to tell me cause I've asked many times.

He is putting in the bare minimum of effort while you have been twisting yourself into knots trying to progress from "dating" to "relationship".

He HAS told you what he wants - he simply hasn't done so using words.
His behaviour tells you what he wants from you - for you to make most of the running, for you to tolerate his constant flaking, & for you to come last in his list of priorities.
He's not going to tell you that outright because he doesn't want to lose what he has right now - your company when he wants it, all on his terms, & you putting up with his appalling manners & lack of care for you.

It's painful, but at least means you can stop waiting for him to want what you want. Tell him it's over, & make yourself available for somebody more respectful of your time & who wants to commit in the same way you do.

Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:33

This is kinda what I would expect in my situation, sounds like a good blended family time together, exactly what I would be aiming for and have told him this about being involved, he's happy to come round for his Sunday lunch....we have had no overnight stays😔

OP posts:
Afterfire · 30/12/2022 12:34

It sounds like he’s keeping you on the back burner whilst he’s hoping to get back with his ex.

Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:36

I think because I thought it was a slow burner, to get to know each other because we had kids and dogs I suppose.. I've fallen in love but maybe with the idea of what would happen rather what is now🤗

OP posts:
Mulledmead · 30/12/2022 12:38

I came onto Mumsnet today to try and give my head a bit of a wobble as the guy I have recently started seeing is treating me like this. My self esteem is in bits after a couple of months, so I really feel for you having tolerated it for a year.

It should be fun and it should feel like you are being held in mind by the person you are dating, even if you can't always be the priority or plans sometimes change (especially when kids are involved). As a pp said you are an after thought and he doesn't respect you enough. Also sounds like he is still quite enmeshed in his ex's life. You deserve 100 times more.

I am 'dumping' mine today and moving on. Hope you can too x

Quitelikeit · 30/12/2022 12:41

Have you had intercourse with this guy?

im struggling to see what is in this arrangement for anyone!

Original poster
Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 12:43

It's so not a nice feeling.... and understand how you feel..you deserve to be treated better to and I know in my hearts of hearts then I need to do the same.best of luck today and I hope its a relief when it happens xx

OP posts:
trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 12:44

You haven't even shagged?

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship really. Sorry but I'd end it if you're feeling like this. The early days are supposed to be the best, shouldn't be this hard.

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