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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I getting the piss taking out of me.

75 replies

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 11:46

A year ago I started dating, we started off with whatsapp...then phone calls then actually went out on a date in Decemeber last year. He has one son who he has maybe a couple of times a week and I have a son pretty much full time with the odd visit to his dads. Throughout the year he has cancelled coming round to mine saying he's been too busy etc several times..... he coparents with his ex amicably and I have met this family and get on with them great... a year on and there has been no overnight stays between us...even after I have mentioned this several times...he has a dog I have a dog and recently they have met and got on... a couple of weeks a go we where due to go to my Xmas party and everything was sorted like kids and dogs where all taken care of ...an hour before we where due to leave he cancelled on me! And I had to suffer the humiliation and embarrassment in going myself..he said he was sorry but didn't make amends by phonecall or coming round to see me the next day. As you can imagine I was very upset and angry and questioned our relationship. Then on Christmas eve ..him and his sons mum's family had a get together and weren't invited...and again massive question over the relationship.. feeling g rejected and not part of a couple... he briefly came round to sway presents on Christmas eve then went to his sons mother's family for their Xmas get together and left us feeling rejected...so now it's New Year and the same thing has happened for New years Day .. he's going to his sons mother's family( which I know and get on with) and havnt been invited nor has it been mentioned previously...as you can imagine after the last rejection.I now feel that I've been rejected again and can't believe that my "boyfriend " would want me to be alone on New Years Day ( my son is at his dads). I feel after a year of seeing each other being a couple means being invited to spend time together with family..I don't think I'm being unreasonable...especially after a year....or am I?

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpier · 30/12/2022 13:36

No love he’s treating you appallingly stringing you along like this . Others are right this isn’t a loving relationship a quick shag in the front room . Nah and to put up with it for a year most people a few weeks at best . Listen to the posts on here is is telling you you just are refusing to listen . Dump him for the new year

Original poster

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 13:40

No I don't expect it but I have been invited and been to a few dos by her and her family, been invited by her not him x

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 13:42

The response has been so overwhelming on here thank you ..... your right.in my heart of hearts I know this is never going to be what I want, I'm loosing sleep and being really anxious over the whole thing.... I thought it was a slow burner and we where getting to know each other but the last few weeks has certainly been an eye opener x

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 30/12/2022 13:42

You’re a fwb to him, move on

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/12/2022 14:02

Definitely a none starter here. If he wanted more of a relationship with you, you'd know, you wouldn't need to be questioning it.
Sack him off and start the new year afresh.

CambsAlways · 30/12/2022 14:03

You are worth far more hells! Please don’t waste anymore time on this man child, x

Original poster

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 14:07

They are not his family either they are her family, her sister and her boyfriend, her mother..... but his son xx and I've mentioned we have been invited to other family events xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellsfenton · 30/12/2022 14:09

And he's also bought the meat for the dinner too so it's not like he's just been invited etc......... I've found it hard really to understand the whole situation xx he even stayed there xmas eve!

OP posts:

Glindara · 30/12/2022 14:27

Really no need to try to understand something so enmeshed - waste of your energy and headspace.

YOU are confused, uncomfortable, disrespected and disappointed.

That’s all you need to know. Tend to your own needs. Anyone deserves better than this.

ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 14:33

The situation sounds like he’s very much still involved with his ‘ex’. The no overnights or having sex in beds os very strange and it sounds like he has been given a pass to sleep with you but under certain limitations - some sort of open relationship for them but he’s not allowed to stay overnight etc. I’ve known some couples doing open or poly relationships work odd rules like this.

That might be totally not the case but what is certainly true is it’s not a slow burn relationship, it’s casual sex. He’s still very involved with his ex - it’s also weird you’ve met her when your relationship with this guy has been so casual. Honestly that would further my suspicions she’s allowing him to have sex on the side with you and you’re part of some open relationship- except no one bothered to tell you.

TheAngryFeminist · 30/12/2022 14:39

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We have concerns about this user so we have deleted their posts and threads.

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 14:56

You're wasting your time and being used, really sorry to say that but it's very obvious.

Is he definitely split with his kids mum? Weird he won't stay over.

Herejustforthisone · 30/12/2022 15:04

It’s like he’s in the real relationship with her and you’re the shagpiece who gets tiny scraps and who he uses to prop up his fragile ego.

Let me guess, she ended the relationship…

It’s her he wants, not you.

wizzywig · 30/12/2022 15:16

You set out your expectations, sit back, see what happens. He is likely to throw a few more crumbs your way. Take a cold, objective look at what he is offering you. Look at what it is you have fallen in love with. Is he more of a habit?

Mumofnarnia · 30/12/2022 15:31

I cannot believe what I’m reading! Sex only in the front room or outdoors? What could be possibly be hiding that’s in the bedroom?

I ‘dated’ a guy last year who treated me like this. But we didn’t even get to the stage of meeting families. He kept cancelling meets on me for pathetic reasons like he was busy with work and all sorts of trivial excuses and he eventually just cut contact with me. Turned out that he was emotionally unavailable and that the issue wasn’t with me it was him

LifeExperience · 30/12/2022 15:37

He wants convenient, casual sex with no obligation. He doesn't want a relationship.

SunflowerTed · 30/12/2022 16:58

Get rid of him. No overnight stay after being ‘together’ a year?!!! Purrleeeaaase

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/12/2022 17:10

He's hoping she changes her mind and wants him back at some point and keeping you going for now to fill a hole (no pun intended) while he waits.

theonlygirl · 30/12/2022 17:42

No man EVER decided not to go somewhere cos they couldn't decide what to wear. This is the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard. I mean this kindly, but you sound like his bit on the side. New year, new man.

Mumofnarnia · 30/12/2022 18:12

theonlygirl · 30/12/2022 17:42

This!! What a pathetic excuse. I’ve known men who go out in clothes they’ve had for years and years! If a man really wants to make an effort he will do! It’s a really odd excuse to make and he knew about the party beforehand. Assuming he’s been to many Xmas parties in his lifetime, I don’t get that excuse that he simply didn’t know what to wear for an Xmas party! There was nothing stopping him going out and doing a bit of clothes shopping if he didn’t know what to wear/ didn’t have anything to wear! The fact of the matter is, he couldn’t be arsed/ didn’t want to make the effort.

minticecreamisjustok · 30/12/2022 18:51

A shag in the front room and no overnight stays, let alone the times he's let you down, this isn't a relationship, just using you for his own convenience.

dolor · 30/12/2022 20:34

Dump him and move on. He is an arse.

TugboatAnnie · 30/12/2022 21:08

I could be wrong but I think he still wants to be with his ex and you are just the token girlfriend that he thinks looks like he's moved on. DUMP!!

Lookingoutside · 30/12/2022 21:13

Did you talk to him OP?

Get him gone. Happy new year! ❤️

XmasElf10 · 30/12/2022 22:07

I hung on WAY too long with a breadcrumbing guy like this. Always a great reason to keep me at arms length. Always a totally reasonable reason to cancel plans. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt until the beginning of this month and I ditched him and now I can see it all so clearly and I feel sick that I didn’t LTB the first time he let me down. Ditch him now and save yourself a load more of this shit.

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