My family contribute nothing to my daughter

[Msum]

First off I want to say I'm not referring to my parents not offering to babysit.

Since my daughter I was born, it feels like my mum and my brother (who lives with my mum) in particular seem to not want any involvement in daughter's life.

When she was born, my mum was the 'world's proudest grandparent' on Facebook, commenting on any pictures we put up etc but in real life, she has contributed nothing to her granddaughter.

You know how when you get out of the hospital they say 'family come round and often bring food or do something to support you in the first few days at home'? I didn't get any of that. The first time they came round to see my daughter I ended up being asked to make them a cup of tea while she just sat there telling me how she used to do things with us. I was still recovering.

The few times she has come round to see us she and my brother literally sit on the sofa expecting me to to make them a drink while they make funny faces at my daughter, occasionally give her a cuddle and that's it. No one offers to give her a bottle, no one offers to change a nappy if it looks like I'm rushed off my feet.

My brother is even worse, he almost acts like she's not even a human. One time they came round quite late in the day. I was trying to get my daughter to bed I went around getting them to kiss her goodnight, and my brother instead decided to pat her on the head - like a dog..

My mum excuse that behaviour saying 'he's a little unsure how to handle babies'. She's a human child not a China plate?!

On the flip side, my partner's mother is the exact opposite. She comes around regularly to visit us. She never comes empty-handed and often comes with an item of clothing or a toy she's picked up in a charity shop for my daughter and brings some food or snacks for us as well. If she can say that I'm trying to do something like housework she will offer to feed my daughter. She's changed several nappies, without needing to ask me - she just cracks on with it.

So why is it that a woman biologically related to me struggles so much to relate with her granddaughter in that way? She's been used to 3 grandchildren already on my sister's side. She quite often has to babysit them.

I've never asked her to babysit because honestly, how can I leave my daughter in someone's hands who hasn't even changed one of her nappies yet?

Is this toxic behaviour or am I imagining it? I don't know what to do. I feel completely let down and unsupported and alone.

But I also don't want to lose contact with my family for my daughter's sake.

yeah I think it sounds sucky and hurtful

but I have found as I get older than other people think their babies and kids are so interesting and it’s actually boring

I’m not saying that’s you and yes it would be nice if they wanted to be more involved
but they’ll prob be more interactive when your daughter is a bit older and has a cool little personality!

OP, you will no doubt be told on here that grandparents / family don't owe you anything - and I wouldn't go so far as saying that your Mum is toxic based on what you have said, and would also say that your brother may genuinely not know what to do with baby - but I see where you're coming from, and it must be painful. Your MIL sounds very kind.

Has she even offered to babysit?

how old is the baby? Have you other children?

In all honesty I’ve never offered to give a bottle or change a family members babies nappy when I’ve visited, if someone wants specific help and asked I’d happily do that but I think you’re being a little unfair in your expectations and should be clearer with them on what you’d like from them.

How old is the brother?

She doesn't have the novelty of it being her first grandchild so doesn't feel the need to do so. She isn't obliged to have to do anything or pay for anything (if that is what you mean) for the child you and your partner have had. I don't mean to sound harsh but that is the reality of the matter. I would just accept that and be glad for the fact that MIL does want to be involved and help out.

Is this toxic behaviour

I don’t think it’s toxic, although it’s clearly disappointing and upsetting you.

Has your mum always seemed hands-on with babies? Was she very maternal and loving to you growing up, or a bit distant? You clearly expect a different relationship to the one you have - I’m just wondering if you thought she’d change when you had a baby, and she’s always been a bit like this - happy times be hosted rather than to look after you, or if this is a genuine change in how she treats you?

Annoying as it is, I wouldn't say it's toxic. Before I had my children I had no idea how to be helpful around a baby and now I'm out of thay stage I'd struggle to remember how to give a bottle or change a nappy, and wouldn't want to do either for fear of getting it wrong. It's all obvious when you're in the thick of it but not otherwise. This will be especially true for your brother if he doesn't have a child. The fact that you say the word 'toxic' makes me wonder whether there's any history of unsupportive behaviour that this feels like a continuation of?

Do you know how hands on your mum was with your sister's children when they were babies? Some people are just very bad at the baby stage but are more confident helping with older children.

Where's your dp in all this? When we had our dc and family came round straight away he made the drinks, we couldn't have sat there and expected them to do it. He would have also done the nappies etc if I was resting.

Firstly - look at what you do have and not what you don't have. You have a perfect GM. Supportive and helpful.

Your mum might just want to not overstep her mark. Have you actually asked her for help?

That is rubbish, I would be hurt.

It doesn't sound close to toxic to me. They visit and play with your dd. Their worst crime seems to be wanting a cup of tea. Do you say "help yourself to tea" or "I'd love one too if you could make it?". Sure it'd be great if you didn't have to but beyond that I wouldn't expect her to change a nappy as some kind of test she's got to pass. Shouldn't be any surprise she's not desperate to change a nappy. Just because she's a woman who's biologically related to you doesn't mean she wants to do that, after three grandkids already she's probably over the thrill of nappies and bottles, but if you ask she might step up. As for your brother, a pat on the head is affection, nothing to do with dogs. Until I had my own dc, I didn't want to hold anyone else's baby either.

Not saying they're great but I think toxic is OTT and they're more passive but warm by the sounds of it. If you want more from her, it's worth communicating that.

On the subject of nappies, my parents or ILs never changed one if we were there to do it (why would they? it’s a horrible job! ) but were perfectly capable to do it if needed when babysitting.

It’s a personal choice when or whether to leave your baby with someone but don’t rule out babysitters on this basis alone!

Maybe it stands out so much because your MIL is so different? Hard not to compare though! Either way, it must be difficult. I think the example you gave of her expecting you to make a cuppa after just giving birth is (very) bad manners but I wouldn’t say her behaviour is toxic. As for your brother, he probably just doesn’t have much experience with babies. Not everyone likes baby cuddles (odd, I know!) and prefers when baby is a bit older and can interact.

If it’s bothering you, you could raise it with your Mum and the next time she nips over give her the opportunity to feed baby/change nappy as she may just feel likes she needs permission. Good luck OP, I hope it improves!

In regards to not being sure how to handle babies - I am like this. I never know really what to do and I would be too nervous to give a bottle or change a nappy. Maybe your brother feels like this.

Also I generally find small babies quite dull, and have no real interest in cuddling them.

If I have visitors to my house, I would always expect that I would be making them a drink, not the other way around. Family or not.

Grandparents can’t win - if they don’t help they’re not interested, but if they do help, they’re controlling and overstepping the mark.

Before the baby, did they volunteer to make tea, or did you always act as the host? If you acted as the host, then they are just continuing the behaviour you’ve already set up.

it’s not toxic behaviour, just different expectations. They’re not mind-readers. You’re expecting them to pitch in and help, and they’re waiting to be invited to help out.

I've never offered to feed or change someone else's baby. If they wanted me to, I would but it's not something I find normal to offer. I'd have no problem doing it while babysitting.

As for your brother... I think you're being harsh. It's a little odd that you walked around expecting everyone to give her a kiss (so many mums on here get angry about relatives kissing a baby). He probably felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to do.

Not toxic at all. I've never offered to fed or change someone else's baby either no matter what relation.
Doesn't make me a bad person, just not my baby not my circus!

This is pretty much the same in my family, and it certainly isn't toxic. My dm already had her hands a little too full with my neices and nephews, and really didn't want to be the one holding another baby. I'm the only one in my dh's family who really isn't interested in babies or children, except for my own. Mine are the centre of my world, other peoples are just annoying. Everyone is different.

Have you asked your mum if she could feed your baby or do a nappy change? I agree that it just sounds like different grandparenting styles, it's not toxic.

Does your brother know how to do stuff with babies? Mine is child free and I doubt he has a clue! Don't think he ever did anything with DD when she was a baby, but he is a good uncle now.

And maybe your mom doesn't want to intrude?

I think toxic would be if they were ignoring you now and never coming to see you. Or saying mean and critical stuff to you.

If you want them to make their own drinks at your house, I would say so.

It is hard with a newborn tho, so it is understandable if you are feeling sensitive or easily upset by things that happen. All the best, and look after yourself. X

It really isn't toxic

Why would they change your kids nappy ?

I suspect if your brother doesn't have kids he doesn't probably think about it

Same, also on forums I hear women complain all the time that when people do things for babies there is either 'I am being judged they are saying I can't cope' or 'they are taking over' or 'they can't go near my baby germs! Or 'the baby won't love me' or heaps of other reasons

I will help but won't do anything without being asked too

I’m not sure what you mean by contributed to your daughter? Can’t say I’d be going about offering to feed and change nappies if I was asked to I would help out but I’d not just do it?. Some people aren’t that interested and you have to accept that as disappointing and hurtful as it is. You have other family who seem more involved.

as someone else said concentrate on what you do have and get on with things, your mum is missing out on a relationship with her granddaughter and that’s on her and whilst it’s a shame for your baby it’s better now than later on when she doesn’t understand why granny isn’t bothered anymore. Families are strange sadly.

I don't think my mother ever changed one of my kids nappies - I wouldn't expect her to! They were loving grandparents but not particularly hands on in the way you seem to expect. Mind you they were late 70s when I had my kids. But my in laws were never that interested - happy if we/I brought the kids to them but never suggested having the kids and certainly never did more than give them a cuddle when babies.
I would not describe your family's behaviour as toxic at all. Just a bit insensitive. Maybe it will change as your daughter gets older.