My family contribute nothing to my daughter

[Msum]

First off I want to say I'm not referring to my parents not offering to babysit.

Since my daughter I was born, it feels like my mum and my brother (who lives with my mum) in particular seem to not want any involvement in daughter's life.

When she was born, my mum was the 'world's proudest grandparent' on Facebook, commenting on any pictures we put up etc but in real life, she has contributed nothing to her granddaughter.

You know how when you get out of the hospital they say 'family come round and often bring food or do something to support you in the first few days at home'? I didn't get any of that. The first time they came round to see my daughter I ended up being asked to make them a cup of tea while she just sat there telling me how she used to do things with us. I was still recovering.

The few times she has come round to see us she and my brother literally sit on the sofa expecting me to to make them a drink while they make funny faces at my daughter, occasionally give her a cuddle and that's it. No one offers to give her a bottle, no one offers to change a nappy if it looks like I'm rushed off my feet.

My brother is even worse, he almost acts like she's not even a human. One time they came round quite late in the day. I was trying to get my daughter to bed I went around getting them to kiss her goodnight, and my brother instead decided to pat her on the head - like a dog..

My mum excuse that behaviour saying 'he's a little unsure how to handle babies'. She's a human child not a China plate?!

On the flip side, my partner's mother is the exact opposite. She comes around regularly to visit us. She never comes empty-handed and often comes with an item of clothing or a toy she's picked up in a charity shop for my daughter and brings some food or snacks for us as well. If she can say that I'm trying to do something like housework she will offer to feed my daughter. She's changed several nappies, without needing to ask me - she just cracks on with it.

So why is it that a woman biologically related to me struggles so much to relate with her granddaughter in that way? She's been used to 3 grandchildren already on my sister's side. She quite often has to babysit them.

I've never asked her to babysit because honestly, how can I leave my daughter in someone's hands who hasn't even changed one of her nappies yet?

Is this toxic behaviour or am I imagining it? I don't know what to do. I feel completely let down and unsupported and alone.

But I also don't want to lose contact with my family for my daughter's sake.

It's not toxic, they're just two different families acting differently.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to be constantly compared to other mothers, so why do it to your own?

As for having a baby put in front of me and told to kiss it, even if it was my family I would've hated that before I had my own kids. I wasn't interested in my niece and nephew until they could run around and communicate.

Agreed on the tea though, just ask them to pop the kettle on and make you a cup while they're at it.

I dont offer to give bottles or change nappies. For my sister went round, made tea for us, offered to make sister a sandwich. Asked to hold the baby. Being there was enough and i didnt want to overstep. Sister and I are very close so she would just ask me to do stuff like bottle/nappy and I was happy to help.

Also patting baby on head instead of a kiss is absolutely fine too. If the visit they are interested. If you want more practical help give them a job.

It’s not toxic. It’s not even unusual- neither my family nor dp’s ever changed nappies etc.

You have one very supportive gp. If you need more (do you?) then ask for it! Suggest your mother changes a nappy etc and go from there. But most people would find it a bit odd and potentially insulting if a gp was leaping up changing nappies etc when the parent was there and could do it. These boards are full of women who are outraged because their mil crossed a line by doing something helpful without being asked.

Not sure why you would expect your brother to be doing any of this.

She's changed several nappies, without needing to ask me - she just cracks on with it.

On the flip side to this, you see posts on here where posters are upset with people just doing stuff like this without checking first. And it would never, ever occur to me to offer to bottle feed or change a nappy. I wouldn't have the first clue how to do either of those things and I am not sure someone else's baby is the right time to practice. It is unlikely to occur to me to bring food with me when I visit, unless I was staying a while.

I'd probably offer to make my own tea, though.

In summary, it doesn't sound perfect but it also doesn't sound anywhere near bad enough to be described as toxic and to talk about losing contact.

It does sound like you might have a calm chat with your family one day and tell them that you sometimes find it all overwhelming and it would be helpful if they felt comfortable enough to just make their own tea etc.

Not toxic - they're just not that interested. Your brother is probably deeply bored of being expected to show intetest in his sisters children. It's your baby so you (and the other parent) do the nappies and bottles. They visit but don't shower you with gifts and offers to help. Fairly normal all round.

The kiss thing also. I've lost count of how may threads I've read where people kissing the poster's baby has really upset them. They would prefer the pat instead of the risk of germs being spread. As a result of them, I almost certainly would never kiss a baby for fear of upsetting the parents.

All in all, this baby business seems like a minefield to me!

The changing nappies thing is odd. Only DH and I changed our babies' nappies, I'm not sure why you think she would want to.

I never fed or changed dgs when dd was there. If she didn't ask me I'd consider it overstepping the mark. I fed and changed dgs when I babysat or did childcare though. Dd didn't need me to prove myself as I'd managed to feed and change her and her siblings. Your dm and db visit and play with your dd if you need more then you need to let them know don't expect them to read your mind.

Absolutely this. Agree one hundred per cent. Our babies have been on the basis that we were totally responsible for everything. Help from rellies might be a nice bonus. but we are (still) not expecting them to act like the sun shines out of our kids' arses.

You know how when you get out of the hospital they say 'family come round and often bring food or do something to support you in the first few days at home'? I didn't get any of that.

Unless the baby arrived prematurely, so parents hadn't had time to prep, I don't think people do this anymore. Also how do people know what you would like. It would be a shame to bring food round and it go to waste if you've already planned lunch / dinner or don't like it. And they may not want to assume you have freezer space either.

No one offers to give her a bottle, no one offers to change a nappy if it looks like I'm rushed off my feet.

Unless your daughter is screaming the place down how are they going to know if its time for her to have a bottle or change her nappy? Parents can be very fussy about feeding times and amounts of milk given. Also offering to give your daughter a bottle implies you aren't feeding her adequately and/or not coping which is worse than not offering.

YABU. I think their behaviour is perfectly normal. Your mum and brother are supporting you by visiting, if they didn't want to be involved they wouldn't be visiting at all.

Your MIL is being exceptionally helpful, which is great, is it by any chance MIL first grandchild though?

My mother and MiL used to change nappies for my sons if they were babysitting but not if they were visiting. I would have thought that was just odd. Mine really came into their own and were super helpful once the children were older. At the end of the day tiny babies are not that interesting.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been said!
I don't think it's toxic, and to be honest I'd be grateful that they're not "overstepping". Having had family who constantly overstepped and interfered, it sounds to be like your mum is conscious of not being overbearing and taking control unless asked.
As for your brother, it depends how old he is but we have lots of relations and friends who have no clue what to do with our kids and we don't take it personally - a lot of people are terrified of babies 🤣

At work?

Every single time they come round?

Do you have grandchildren?

I have done it for nieces and nephews but grandchildren are defintely different