My family contribute nothing to my daughter

[Msum]

First off I want to say I'm not referring to my parents not offering to babysit.

Since my daughter I was born, it feels like my mum and my brother (who lives with my mum) in particular seem to not want any involvement in daughter's life.

When she was born, my mum was the 'world's proudest grandparent' on Facebook, commenting on any pictures we put up etc but in real life, she has contributed nothing to her granddaughter.

You know how when you get out of the hospital they say 'family come round and often bring food or do something to support you in the first few days at home'? I didn't get any of that. The first time they came round to see my daughter I ended up being asked to make them a cup of tea while she just sat there telling me how she used to do things with us. I was still recovering.

The few times she has come round to see us she and my brother literally sit on the sofa expecting me to to make them a drink while they make funny faces at my daughter, occasionally give her a cuddle and that's it. No one offers to give her a bottle, no one offers to change a nappy if it looks like I'm rushed off my feet.

My brother is even worse, he almost acts like she's not even a human. One time they came round quite late in the day. I was trying to get my daughter to bed I went around getting them to kiss her goodnight, and my brother instead decided to pat her on the head - like a dog..

My mum excuse that behaviour saying 'he's a little unsure how to handle babies'. She's a human child not a China plate?!

On the flip side, my partner's mother is the exact opposite. She comes around regularly to visit us. She never comes empty-handed and often comes with an item of clothing or a toy she's picked up in a charity shop for my daughter and brings some food or snacks for us as well. If she can say that I'm trying to do something like housework she will offer to feed my daughter. She's changed several nappies, without needing to ask me - she just cracks on with it.

So why is it that a woman biologically related to me struggles so much to relate with her granddaughter in that way? She's been used to 3 grandchildren already on my sister's side. She quite often has to babysit them.

I've never asked her to babysit because honestly, how can I leave my daughter in someone's hands who hasn't even changed one of her nappies yet?

Is this toxic behaviour or am I imagining it? I don't know what to do. I feel completely let down and unsupported and alone.

But I also don't want to lose contact with my family for my daughter's sake.

I'm struggling to know why family wanting a cup of tea and not offering to change a nappy might be considered 'toxic.'
Why is this word bandied about so much? What's wrong with 'offensive, unhelpful, unkind, selfish, thoughtless, insensitive'?

Why don’t you ask them to help? Say make your tea. Next time you come round mum can you bring some food/snacks? Ask them to hold the baby, show them how to change a nappy? Some people just don’t think/or have that natural instinct. Ultimately it’s up to them, their world doesn’t revolve around your daughter or your expectations of them. They are not toxic. In fact they come to see you and sounds like want to spent time with you and baby.

Tell them to do it. Don’t be such a martyr! ‘Kevin, put the kettle on. Mines a coffee’, ‘Mum, can you take Tabitha upstairs and change her while I give the floor a quick vacuum?’ She’d probably be pleased to help if you let her know what needs doing.

With your brother, if he doesn't have kids of his own or isn't often around kids, I do kind of understand that- some people don't naturally know how to act around kids.
I do sympathise about your mum though, my mum isn't the grandmother I thought she'd be and it does hurt sometimes.
How old is your DD? Could your partner not have made everyone teas etc if you were still recovering?

It's not toxic, no. Maybe would be nice for them to offer to do things, but at worst it's just a bit of a shame, I wouldn't automatically expect to be changing nappies or giving bottles when visiting a family member's baby. I'd make them a brew though - maybe they're just slightly rubbish visitors!

As for your brother - lots of people aren't comfortable with babies and don't really know what to do with them, he's not done anything wrong there. Saying you "went round to get them to kiss her goodnight" was you trying to force something and he clearly wasn't keen.

Basically, you're being a bit precious. Some people love babies, some don't. Some people are proactive, helpful guests and some see visiting as an excuse to chill out while they're hosted. You can't expect them to be your ideal version of visitors, especially when they're failing to meet an expectation that only exists in your head - have you tried asking them for help when you're rushed off your feet, for example?

Hmmm, I don´t think it´s toxic. Your brother is a single male, who probably has only seen babies on tv and in other people´s pushchairs and who just doesn´t know how to interact with a baby. And let´s be honest, quite a few men fake interest until the baby shows it´s own personality and that is when they become genuinely interested. To men baby=boring being that shits, cries, eats and sleeps. My mum has never changed my baby´s nappies, I never asked her to, why would I?
I think there is a genuine mismatch between reality and expectations here. Do you actually TELL them what you want? Hey guys help yourselves to tea and whatevers I gotta change baby. I plonked my baby in my brother´s arms and the photos are hilarious, but he loved it, i think he was scared of dropping her. But it did him good.
Yeah, some people you have to give instructions to, do it. Don´t be so passive.
Try it, see what transpires.

I wouldn't expect close family to feed my baby and change their nappies (unless I asked) but I would expect them to offer to make their own cups of tea etc and not have me wait on them when I'm rushed off my feet and sleep-deprived with a new born. They should have the sensitivity to recognise you have a lot on your plate and offer some sort of help when they're there, rather than having you run around after them. At least your MiL sounds like a goodun OP!

I don't think my family did that stuff either - certainly my brothers weren't fascinated by the sight of a new and potentially smelly baby! I never expected my mum to change his nappy etc, and in my own house I would expect to make the tea.

She used to like holding him on her knee, which was handy, and I remember her heroically walking him up and down the stairs when he was clearly about to belch milk on her .

See, if someone told me to take their baby upstairs to change the nappy, I wouldn't. Just because I am family, that doesn't mean that I should be expected to help with a baby. Some people just don't want to deal with changing nappies etc.

I do understand your point about being a martyr and agree with you there.

I think you just need to say something - if you're busy ask one of them to put the kettle on, or text before they come and ask them to pick up some shopping on the way.

My dm was too far the other way and would totally take over with the dc when they were babies. Yes she was a great help but I did feel overwhelmed by her sometimes. Luckily we had the kind of relationship where I could tell her when she was overstepping. What's stopping you asking your dm to help you out when she's there?

My sibling has seen my five year old DC three times. My parents are enthusiastic but offer zero practical help or support (ever, on anything). It's shit but you're not alone.

Re your brother - with my first, my brother had literally zero idea what to do with her. We have a brilliant photo where I handed her to him because I needed both hands myself and he's holding her like she's a bomb about to go off. He had no idea how to hold a baby or interact with one at all and we had to kind of train him to stop thinking of them as alien creatures and start viewing them as little underdeveloped humans who like cuddles and being talked to.

With my second, he's great. Volunteers to hold her; plays with her (not even mentioning how patient he is with the older one, letting her order him around and building pillow forts for her or doing slinky admin from the bottom of the stairs) - he just needed practice. He would totally have done the head pat thing before that, though!

If this is real (?) I think I've seen it all now. You think your Mum is toxic because she hasn't changed your baby's nappy? Why should she? Honestly, why WOULD you expect this? Dear God.

Your family aren’t living up to what you expect but it isn’t toxic. Ask them to do stuff if you are busy. Stop reading others experiences on the internet on ‘how it should be’ - that is toxic and will ruin your future relationship with your family.

I’m guessing there’s a backstory here, because from what you’ve said this isn’t toxic at all.

I’ve never changed a baby’s nappy or given them a bottle, other than my own. I don’t think I asked anyone to do it for me when they visited my newborn either.

I actually think it’s more odd that you were handing the baby round for kisses from everyone. Pre-baby (and probably still now) I would have found that really awkward so am not surprised by your brothers reaction.

I suppose not offering to make their own tea is the only slightly off thing from your post. Certainly not in the realms of ‘toxic’ or ‘contribute nothing’.

What are doing that's making you 'rushed off your feet'?

I don't want to change anyone's shitty nappies, done enough of that!

I had/have this on both sides OP. We're now 16 years and two children in and it never improved. They play a good grandparent game but have never offered any level of practical support at all. The upshot is that they have almost no relationship with their grandchildren which is fine with me. I think you have to learn to reset your expectations. I was upset for a long time as I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and was disappointed that my children wouldn't have that but it is what it is.

I've never asked her to babysit because honestly, how can I leave my daughter in someone's hands who hasn't even changed one of her nappies yet?

This is the kind of comment that makes me wonder if you’re not cutting off your nose to spite your face. She hasn’t voluntarily, without being asked, changed one of your baby’s nappies yet - therefore you can’t “leave your daughter in her hands”?

She's presumably changed YOUR nappies and your brother’s when you were babies? She’s also had other grandchildren. Hardly an amateur - and hardly likely to leave your child sat in a dirty nappy.

I think you have got stuck in the mindset of “But they should know I need help! Why don’t they want to help?”, and as a result won’t ask. Time to ask.

Anyone sitting down in our house, even my child-free younger brother, gets the baby dumped on them 😂! No one has yet objected. Holding a baby isn't rocket science and he can pretend polite interest for at least a few minutes.

If visitors don't want the baby, they'd better be offering to entertain my older DC or make the drinks. Otherwise, why did they come? To sit on their arses while I run round looking after two children, including a screaming velcro baby, and waiting on everyone? If that's the case, they know where the door is.

This isn't toxic. It's your brother and mother not offering to feed or change your baby, which honestly isn't unreasonable of them at all. As for him not kissing the baby, that's also not unreasonable. How many threads are on here about how no one but parents should kiss babies?

If you want help, you should ask for it.

If I'm busy with a baby I wouldn't offer to make drinks for close relatives visiting, they would get on with that themselves or hold/watch baby whilst I do it.

Other than that it sounds like your mum and brother do show interest and visit regularly. How old is your baby? Small babies don't 'do' anything, they don't need other relatives to interact with them really anyway. With DD, I went back to work at 9 months old and my DM started looking after her one day a week. Before then, she'd looked after her for a couple of hours at a time maybe twice? I think given her a bottle once or twice, and never changed her nappy. That didn't make any difference, she obviously knew how to do all those things having had 3 kids herself and having watched me do all those things with DD for months too as we saw her regularly. As other PP have said I can't think of circumstances where I would offer to change someone elses child's nappy or give them a bottle if I wasn't in sole care of them. And I'd never expect anyone to do that for mine either. I think your expectations are way too high. It is hard being a mum, but this is your baby, if you're there of course you should be the one responsible for feeding it and changing yucky nappies. Who wants to change nappies anyway!? I hate doing my own kids nevermind someone elses...

Also, my DB had never been around babies, almost never held my DD, he was so anxious about it. He didn't interact with her much, he just didn't know how. From about the age of 2.5 though he started to find it much easier to communicate with her and engage and at 4.5 they have a super lovely tight bond. Not everyone is a 'baby' person especially if they're not experienced with babies. I have two kids and I wouldn't even say I'm a baby person myself, much prefer them as toddlers!

I do think you sound a little bit unrealistic and you are expecting them to guess what you want. When someone came to my house, I WANTED them to sit down and cuddle the baby while I put the kettle on, and my mum used to wind me up hugely by trying to do jobs when I didn't want her input into housework at all. I asked her to stop, becasue it was what I wanted.

Have you even asked your family for any help?

ALso, pat on the head far preferable to kiss, in many peoples eyes. Again, you are expecting your brother to guess what you want, and complaining he didn't guess right

It sounds pretty normal to me (apart from expecting you to make tea when you're just home from having a baby) but you've got a tongue in your head - just tell them to help themselves!
And ask them to change the nappy or give a feed if that's what you need from them!
My DS is early 20's and a family member had a baby this year and I could just imagine him patting the baby on the head!
Total non-issue imo but if it bothers you then communicate.

Babies are often unbelievably boring. They will probably perk up a bit when your dc is older.