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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you plan sex?

60 replies

m1s · 29/12/2022 19:14

Do you plan sex or is it spontaneous?
When I say plan I don't mean setting a time but like throw hints etc

OP posts:

tinkitonki · 29/12/2022 21:14

I do in my mind anyway, which is generally met with refusal which is always ok without question but at the same time is heart wrenching

blueflagflyhigh · 30/12/2022 10:48

Not spontaneous these days since kids were born! it is usually more planned, well at least in our heads, u know the kids are away to grans for an overnight! Otherwise it would never happen as our 3yr old sleeps in bed with us 🙈😂 we sometimes get her in to her own bed when we go up to bed but usually it's late and we are shattered, she also often comes back in 5mins later 🙈

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/12/2022 11:02

God no. That would be a major turn off.

Scarecrowrowboat · 30/12/2022 11:08

Yes, we have minimal opportunities for spontaneity as we have young kids and long commutes.

Babdoc · 30/12/2022 11:10

DH died 31 years ago, but we never needed to plan it. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other! As students we used to fall asleep in lectures after all night sessions.

That reduced to once a night after the DC arrived, but I couldn’t imagine anything more passion killing than putting an appointment in the diary - “synchronise watches, chaps, sex at 23.00 hours…!”

Porkly · 30/12/2022 11:12

We do. Our spontaneity has lessened a lot over the last couple of years and there was a good 10 months where we didn’t have sex at all and we talked about how to get back in the groove. And we do sometimes have spontaneous sex but if we hadn’t fixed our dry spell with a firm date, I don’t think we would have done it spontaneously.

It’s silly really - every time we do it, it’s great and we say we should do it more. How it got to 10 months in the first place was weird. We are very affectionate as a family so there was no issue. Just suddenly we weren’t having sex. FOR AGES.

LucyWhipple · 30/12/2022 11:13

We do a bit. It’s kind of a minimum expectation thing in terms of certain days of the week. I realise how ridiculous it sounds but it was a relationship saver in the days the dc were tiny and we were managing differing sex drives etc. Now dc are a bit older & we’re back to ‘us’ more sex generally happens more often too but tues, thurs, fri, sun are still the sure things.

remembertogetmilk · 30/12/2022 11:20

Not plan exactly... but when I have a bath late in the evening my DH always THINKS that is a hint we will have sex and it turned into a pretty sure thing! Otherwise we just get into rhythms... when we are both off work for a week it will happen most days but not so much when we are tired and recovering from long days.... and sometimes we are blunt and to the point. Every couple is different, and speaks in different ways... I think that is nice.

FirstTimeMaybes · 30/12/2022 11:30

Yes we do sometimes plan sex. People making it sound like it's some awful thing - I feel more sorry for people who sometimes don't plan it.....

For example we're booking a night away, making sure it's not on a weekend I'll have my period as sex is a big part of what'll make it a great time.

Or one of us will say we're having a bath before bed and ask if the other wants to jump in it too. That's a less obvious plan but it means the sex isn't spontaneous I guess. But for me I don't like oral sex without a wash first so we don't have spontaneous oral much.

Or we'll say to each other at some point in a day what we're going to do to each other later. So I guess that's planning it, but it sure makes the day a bit more exciting for us both.

We also have spontaneous sex too which is nice if neither of us have been expecting it. But I guess maybe we're just in a habit of enjoying dropping hints to one another.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2022 11:32

I assume we’re doing it unless one of us goes to sleep early or one of us or DD is ill or something. Works for us.

Why do you ask?

dalmation4046 · 30/12/2022 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JanesSadLittleLife · 30/12/2022 11:37

Neither of us have ever had especially high sex drives, so after 23 years of marriage we're not fussed about it really - but we believe in quality not quantity, so when we do it's always good!

It's only planned in the sense that one of us (usually him) will exclaim, christ we haven't had sex in ages, fancy an early night? I don't like the burden of expectation so would prefer it to be more spontaneous than that, I tend to instigate in the mornings. But sadly, menopause and a leaky bladder have ruined things somewhat. About to look into oestrogen replacement.

OppositeNumber · 30/12/2022 11:43

Sometimes yes. DH might say he’d like to fool around later and I enjoy the anticipation of it. Other times it’s spontaneous. Either way it’s good sex 😀

Nudity · 30/12/2022 11:52

I avoid it at all costs.

PublicTransport · 30/12/2022 11:57

Yes we used to when kids were young. We both worked irregular hours so we'd arrange for our days off to coincide when kids were at school. We'd plan the whole day in bed. Champagne, nice food - just us, in bed, from 10 until 3 when we turned back into Mummy and Daddy and picked the kids up again.

We had spontaneous sex too but these planned days made sure we didn't go too long without putting each other first. And it makes a difference knowing you have the time to do it properly. (Housework can wait!)

waterSpider · 30/12/2022 12:10

Long relationships, presence of kids ... I'd say that such planning was essential.

Original poster

m1s · 30/12/2022 14:32

Thanks.
Like an above poster said (I think) it turns me off for example when my DH says 'I hoped we were both going to get showers later' and then I make an excuse to not get a shower that night because it just puts me off. But DH is not good at being spontaneous AT ALL. He's just so bad at the timing (e.g if I'm about to get some chores done around the house, or cooking food). My sex drive isn't great anyway ever since I had DS. It's currently been 2 months and I feel terrible for it. I know DH would have it every night if I wanted. But I'm just so fucking tired all the time that once DS is in bed I just want an hour to myself and to get in bed and sleep. I have zero energy for sex and I feel awful that I'm not fulfilling DHs hints.
Anyway I was just curious what others do because he hinted at me last night and it made me cringe so much and wondered if that happens to others or I'm just a bitch 😬

OP posts:

MiaAntonia · 30/12/2022 18:16

Yes and no. If I want sex and he is not around, I attack him when later he is with me. If we are together, and something excites me and and I want him, I provoke him or attack him. These are not really preplanned, but follow my excitement or need to have sex.

Porkly · 30/12/2022 18:26

I think hinting would annoy me more than the direct approach. Just tell him you have no sex drive at the moment and you’ll let him know when you do.

Sometimes our horniness didn’t match - I do have a clear memory of saying not that very moment actually as I was head in the oven, cleaning it, while our DS was napping and I was very touched out. But with it as something to look forward to, not dancing round two out of sync libidos, it made it easier.

I will say it’s like exercise. You’re almost always happy you bothered with it even if you thought you CBA at some point. And sex begets sex drive.

Hijinks75 · 30/12/2022 21:41

OH does, if she’s in bed minus her pjs or asks where they are, I know she’s in the mood it’s her way of saying I want sex

Easterdaffsx · 30/12/2022 23:11

No but a lot more routine than the daily sex we had for the first few years !
We both work long hours so usually have a quickie mid week and a nice long session at the weekend . Sunday mornings with a coffee or something stronger to follow before dc wake up

roseretrox · 30/12/2022 23:20

The nature of sex means you can’t really plan ahead - you can withdraw consent at any time. Eg if he does hint earlier in the day but you feel tired in the moment and don’t want sex, that’s okay.

ultimately I think your issue is more that you’re rarely in the mindspace to prioritise sex as you’re overwhelmed with everything else eg looking after your child. Is there anything he can do to support you with the household admin? If you didn’t feel exhausted, you’d perhaps have a higher sex drive and not feel as exhausted

pennysays · 30/12/2022 23:30

@m1s how old is your ds? This was me for ages. Ultimately I had to grit my teeth and do it because once I was having sex I was delighted and having a great time, but I just couldn’t be arsed when I thought about it in advance. Having sex meant we were more affectionate, I felt cared for and more connected to my dp. So it was worth powering through for me. Plus it is as much my responsibility to keep sex alive as it is my dps. So at that time it meant starting sex off. This only works if you have good sex and still fancy your dh.

LosingIt2022 · 31/12/2022 06:44

How long is a piece of string?

One of my best friends started doing this after kids and it has worked wonders for him and his wife.

I can't do it because my wife says it kills alls spontaneity and it makes her feel under pressure. But, with kids and with our jobs, without some minimal planning it is really hard - indeed, we are having very little of it and it is putting a huge strain on our relationship.

Anothernick · 31/12/2022 08:43

Years ago when our DC were small we agreed that we should try not to go more than a week without sex. This was not quite the same as diarising it but it created an expectation that if it had been several days since we had last done it we would make the effort next time we had an opportunity.

We're in our 60s now and still DTD at least once a week.

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