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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you plan sex?

60 replies

m1s · 29/12/2022 19:14

Do you plan sex or is it spontaneous?
When I say plan I don't mean setting a time but like throw hints etc

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 08/01/2023 15:18

LosingIt2022 · 08/01/2023 14:04

"I'm sure you can steer him towards things which work for you, and away from those that don't, without saying that X phrase was cringey"

"A lot of men are really bad at picking up hints"

What is it with women and "hints" or "steering"? What is wrong with clear, direct, unmistakable communication?

@LosingIt2022 i refer you to my first post above where I quote you, say you are right, and say most men prefer direct communication! But OP has to do what she's comfortable with, so I think clear, direct communication of positive things may work better for her. Maybe "When you give me a massage, that really gets me in the mood" rather than "Don't say X, it makes me cringe". I bet he'd respond well to positive suggestions.

muddlingthrou · 08/01/2023 17:04

Serious question, but do the spontaneous sex people on here always keep their legs hair free and bits neat and tidy, or do you just not care anymore/have never cared? And keeping in mind I am a pale skinned, dark haired woman....

Oher · 08/01/2023 17:26

DH tries but I find it SUCH a turn off having an appointment made like a prostitute that planned sex rarely actually happens.

Usually one of us will say something like “I’m going to bed, not tired though. Perhaps you’ll join me?”

80s · 08/01/2023 17:31

if I told him that it made me cringe and a big turn off, that would make him feel like shit.
There are other alternatives apart from silently shrivelling up inside or saying "That's a big turn-off!", though, aren't there? You could tease him, for instance - laugh and say "I love you despite your terrible come-ons, but I'm not up for it today. Maybe you can rock my world next week!"

StarlightLady · 08/01/2023 17:31

@muddlingthrou - body (apart from head) always hair free. Grooming is not just about sex in my boudoir.

Oher · 08/01/2023 17:33

LosingIt2022 · 08/01/2023 10:56

@m1s "If your wife told you that, would that not be even more gut-wrenching than what you said in a previous post?"

No, absolutely not, in fact, quite the opposite, I would be (relatively) happy because at least I'd be told what doesn't work. That would be a starting point. Other people are possibly different, but I want to know the truth upfront, as soon as possible, even if unpleasant.

After all, your husband already knows that what he tries doesn't work, right? So you telling him that X is a turn off is not exactly a world-shattering revelation. BUT it can be a starting point to discuss and consider together what works and what doesn't, and in what context.

*WOMEN NOT TALKING CLEARLY AND JUST EXPECTING MEN TO PICK UP "HINTS" IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON COMPLAINTS IN MY GROUP OF MALE FRIENDS".

And not just with current partners, it's always been like that.

What is the alternative? You not saying anything? And where do you think that will lead?

“WOMEN NOT TALKING CLEARLY AND JUST EXPECTING MEN TO PICK UP "HINTS" IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON COMPLAINTS IN MY GROUP OF MALE FRIENDS".”

And men not getting hints and having to be told everything explicitly like a baby is one of the most common complaints of me and my female friends.

It’s clear from this thread, and from life, that men prefer blunter language than do women.

Why do you assume that this makes women wrong? Why, if a man wants sex, shouldn’t he at least attempt to communicate with his partner in the way that best works for her? Why is his way the right way and her needs something to mock?

Anyway for any men on here: nothing, nothing, gets a woman in the mood for sex more quickly than a man who spontaneously does housework and looks after his children without needing instructions.

Maybe pass that on to your male friends.

GyozaGuiting · 08/01/2023 17:40

If I plan, then we actually have sex a fair amount! Managed yesterday and today, without planning it can go a week or 2 by accident! We still find it fun.

LosingIt2022 · 08/01/2023 17:46

"It’s clear from this thread, and from life, that men prefer blunter language than do women.

Why do you assume that this makes women wrong?"

It does not make them wrong in general, please do not put words in my mouth.

However, when a man clearly tells a woman: "please, please, pretty please, I need you to speak clearly, when you give 'hints' you confuse me, because what is clear to you is actually open to loads of potential interpretations" and the woman does nothing, what is a man to conclude?

To be absolutely clear, it is perfectly fine for a woman to not want to speak clearly and to want a man with mind-reading skills. What is NOT fine IMHO is a woman who doesn't admit it. Among my closest circle of friends only, I can remember 5 relationships which ended badly because of this: the man had made it very clear from the very beginning that clear communication was of absolute paramount importance for him, the woman at the beginning was always 'yes, sure, absolutely', but no, they all wanted mind-reading in reality. I trust you will at least agree that a woman who doesn't want clear communication should not lie and deceive a man who shouts from the rooftops that he does?

"Why, if a man wants sex, shouldn’t he at least attempt to communicate with his partner in the way that best works for her?"#
I think they should find what is the best compromise for both.
If a man bangs his head against the wall (metaphorically) because he can't make sense of the situation and no longer knows what she wants or doesn't want and she won't tell him, what is the solution? Other than splitting up and her finding someone with better mind-reading skills, obviously.

"Anyway for any men on here: nothing, nothing, gets a woman in the mood for sex more quickly than a man who spontaneously does housework and looks after his children without needing instructions.

Maybe pass that on to your male friends."
????? What does this have to do with anything? The friends who split up because of poor communication did not split up over sex (other than possibly 1).

And no, as many posts (by women) on the sex and relationship boards should make clear, what you have said is only part of the story, it is not always the whole story. But keep thinking what you prefer.

FfayeN · 08/01/2023 18:15

m1s · 30/12/2022 14:32

Thanks.
Like an above poster said (I think) it turns me off for example when my DH says 'I hoped we were both going to get showers later' and then I make an excuse to not get a shower that night because it just puts me off. But DH is not good at being spontaneous AT ALL. He's just so bad at the timing (e.g if I'm about to get some chores done around the house, or cooking food). My sex drive isn't great anyway ever since I had DS. It's currently been 2 months and I feel terrible for it. I know DH would have it every night if I wanted. But I'm just so fucking tired all the time that once DS is in bed I just want an hour to myself and to get in bed and sleep. I have zero energy for sex and I feel awful that I'm not fulfilling DHs hints.
Anyway I was just curious what others do because he hinted at me last night and it made me cringe so much and wondered if that happens to others or I'm just a bitch 😬

I can totally empathise with you here. Very similar situation x

LosingIt2022 · 08/01/2023 19:35

Oher · 08/01/2023 17:26

DH tries but I find it SUCH a turn off having an appointment made like a prostitute that planned sex rarely actually happens.

Usually one of us will say something like “I’m going to bed, not tired though. Perhaps you’ll join me?”

Obviously we are all different, so just a thought: does it make any difference if it's you who tries to do the planning?

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