Do you plan sex?

[m1s]

Do you plan sex or is it spontaneous?
When I say plan I don't mean setting a time but like throw hints etc

I don't plan. The thought of scheduled sex is an overwhelming passion-killer for me. I left a long-term relationship in part because my partner had ceased to be spontaneous in every single way, including sex, and would only consider it if it was agreed ahead of time and directly before bed.

Not for me I'm afraid.

We’re in our 40s, still with small kids, and this is exactly our situation.
i consider sex to be a sort of glue for our relationship. Well, glue is a pretty unfortunate word for it, but it does serve a spectrum of functions- intimacy, pleasure, on a slightly abstract level you could say controlled aggression, pillow talk and reconnecting with who we were before we had kids. As such it’s chalked down as a practical necessity, so there are times and days of the week where it’s understood that it can happen, and we have an understanding that spontaneity is a luxury that we can’t currently afford.

If we’re going through a dry spell or a very busy period I’m happy to do a bit of scheduling to get things going again. Goes without saying we can change our minds but it’s nice to have something to look forward to!

Not planned sex as such, but there have been times in my life when I've gone away with someone and I certainly expected it.

Military precision,

we usually try to plan when window of opportunity is available, but after that it's as and when the next window is operational

Yeah we do. Young family, no local family support to draw on and busy jobs - so very hard to keep an active sex life going spontaneously. It's not a romantic approach but we are both mindful that we need to make an effort to find the time...

We don't plan as we have it most nights. If one of us is extra horny or we haven't had it in an a few days one of us will say something like " you're getting it later". And that's as far as we go planning things.

@MaryJean87 I am happy for you. But words cannot describe how gut-wrenching it is to hear about these experiences when mine are so radically different and it's doing my head in...

@LosingIt2022 I completely understand where you're coming from but please don't take it personally. My DH (during conversation) has said that he feels that it's because I'm not attracted to him anymore and it isn't AT ALL.
I think a lot of women feel the pressure in being a wife, mother, cleaner, cook, organiser, planner all at the same time and it is damn exhausting and most days sex is the very last thing on my mind. In fact, most days sex doesn't even enter my mind at all. But it's not because I don't want it.. it's because my priorities are different to my husbands. It's tough on us women/mothers too.

I had it in the back of my mind today that I would get a shower tonight and surprise DH after he gets out of the shower but he utterly killed it for me when he said earlier 'ohhh I was hoping I could absolutely rock your world later tonight'. He doesn't know it but that is a huge turn off for me. And I don't get it.. he's not always been like this. He's never said these things before. Maybe it's because he's getting himself excited and hoping that I will get excited too but it just does not work for me. It has the complete opposite effect.

@LosingIt2022 I hope you're not my husband 😂

I think when you have small kids it's vital to plan for intimacy, because otherwise it's less and less likely to happen, and the relationship will suffer as a result. The closeness and connection you get from sex is vital for many couples, and especially for many men. But you can surely find ways of doing it which aren't a turn-off. I think the planning is about creating the right conditions, but you can't guarantee that sex will happen. For example, planning time for him to give you a massage might work, but make him read this first: If You Massage Your Wife More, She May Want A Lot More Sex

The wonderful Dr Psych Mom has a few great articles which I think are relevant, and the bonus is she's funny. Her podcasts are very entertaining too - someone on here recommended them and they've given me so much in terms of making sense of family relationships while making me laugh. But anyway, please do have a look at these:

Parents having a healthy sex life is good for the family and why/ how to make time for it.
And this one, which made so much sense to me - because in my marriage, I was the woman who was starved of physical touch and it was awful. Often it's not about sex so much as about cuddling and just feeling close. When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language

@m1s "He doesn't know it but that is a huge turn off for me"

And why the #####@@@@####@@@@!!!£££ do you not tell him?

That, right there, is the problem, or at least one of the problems. To be clear, I find that phrase cringey, but my opinion is irrelevant, we are all different, and a cursory glance at some of the posts here will show you how some people love what other people hate, and viceversa.

The poor guy is probably torturing himself on how to go about it.
Maybe he tried doing the exact opposite, didn't work, and is now trying cringey phrases out of desperation.
Maybe he's second guessing every single action or phrase and your silence is doing his head in.

You do not owe him sex but you do owe him clear, honest, truthful communication. Or do you expect him to mind-read??

@LosingIt2022 if I told him that it made me cringe and a big turn off, that would make him feel like shit. Why would I tell him that his efforts to get me turned on is actually turning me off? I wouldn't dream of shutting him off like that. If your wife told you that, would that not be even more gut-wrenching than what you said in a previous post?

@m1s I can understand that you don't want to say negative things to him, but just carrying on as you are doesn't sound like it's working too well, so how about making a point of telling him clearly what you do like and do want? Or emphasising how much you like it afterwards when he does do what you want? A lot of men are really bad at picking up hints (me included.) So if he does it in the way you like, you could say afterwards "that was great, it's so sexy when you... (whatever you like most.)" Hopefully if you keep emphasising the good things and don't mention the things you don't like, it'll steer him towards the good things.

Sounds terribly sad , but my dh has ED due to a medical condition and also his medication . I never try to instigate it anymore incase he's not able , and when he does decide he wants to try , it more than often doesn't happen and leaves me sad and stressed on his behalf as he feels a failure .
That leaves us mainly not bothering.

@m1s "If your wife told you that, would that not be even more gut-wrenching than what you said in a previous post?"

No, absolutely not, in fact, quite the opposite, I would be (relatively) happy because at least I'd be told what doesn't work. That would be a starting point. Other people are possibly different, but I want to know the truth upfront, as soon as possible, even if unpleasant.

After all, your husband already knows that what he tries doesn't work, right? So you telling him that X is a turn off is not exactly a world-shattering revelation. BUT it can be a starting point to discuss and consider together what works and what doesn't, and in what context.

*WOMEN NOT TALKING CLEARLY AND JUST EXPECTING MEN TO PICK UP "HINTS" IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON COMPLAINTS IN MY GROUP OF MALE FRIENDS".

And not just with current partners, it's always been like that.

What is the alternative? You not saying anything? And where do you think that will lead?

@m1s Also, if he wants more sex but you're too tired, maybe the solution is for him to take on a lot more of the work with kids/house/etc, to give you more time and rest on your own so that maybe you'll have some time/energy left for him? I had a similar situation with my wife and I started trying to do as much as I could to give her lots of time and rest, and it did seem to improve the relationship, sometimes at least.

You can tell him in a way that doesn't hurt him though. @LosingIt2022 is right - re needs to know. He's a man and men in general prefer direct explanations, not hints. Here is another excellent article from my current crush therapist: It Isn’t Bad If Your Husband Needs To Learn The Words To Make You Feel Close
She says:

There is a fantasy that men have that their wives are supposed to want sex as much as they do and to initiate sex out of the blue in a fun and exciting way that is in line with the man’s own personal sexual preferences. An exact parallel for this is women’s fantasy that men are supposed to know exactly what to say and how and when to say it without prompting. Both of these fantasies can undermine a happy marriage.

So maybe you could tell him that you want to have sex more often, and you want to want to have sex more often, and ask if he's willing to try a few different things which might help with that. Some might work, some might not, but you'll never know until you try. Then see how he responds and maybe you'll feel better about explaining what works for you.

Yes we often plan it.

We got totally blocked on both Wednesday and Thursday night because ds (5) wet the bed Wednesday and then wouldn't settle Thursday...ended with him in our bed both nights.

DH was then working nights Fri and Sat. So since 11pm Thursday night we've been saying 'Sunday night it is' 😂. And keeping our fingers crossed for no more interruptions.

Spontaneous sex is best. I asked DP to surprise me and it happened while I was bent over the freezer. It was great but I feel awkward going in that branch of Iceland now.

@LosingIt2022 ok well I know that my DH would feel helpless if I told him that and would make him feel like a dick. Maybe it's because the lack of sex has gone on for quite some time and we have openly talked about the issues in the past. And, as you rightly say, he has tried numerous things in the past, which is why I believe that telling him would make him feel shitty. I just couldn't bring myself to crush him in that way and I know that he probably wouldn't appreciate it either. At the moment, I'm quite happy to go along with it. What he doesn't know, won't hurt. Although cringey, I see it as his way of showing his desperation which I have interpreted/identified as an issue within myself. We have DTD twice this week. That's the most we've done in a week since not long after we got married. And as an above poster said, I do feel better for it. This week I've kind of learnt to ignore the cringey hints and set myself in the mood in an effort to shake the elephant in the room. And if I'm honest I've actually enjoyed it. So for now, I don't want to ruin what appears to be a good start to getting back on track but if it doesn't work out and his hints/plans start to annoy me then yes I will consider talking to him about it

Old but good 😂
Actually scheduled sex became quite useful when I was trying to work out conception dates for second and subsequent DC. I knew it had to be during Saturday morning CBeebies because that was the only regular opportunity!

OP you sound lovely and you clearly care deeply about him. I'm sure you can steer him towards things which work for you, and away from those that don't, without saying that X phrase was cringey.

@m1s
"ok well I know that my DH would feel helpless if I told him that and would make him feel like a dick. "

You are obviously welcome to tell me to get lost :) because you know your husband and I don't.
But I dare insist a little bit because this is a dynamic I have seen countless times in my group of male friends: the woman simply refusing to talk clearly because she knows best, she knows it's not the right thing to do, or because of who knows what else, and the man losing his sanity. In my experience, this tends not to end well.

Obviously it's not a universal truth and your husband may well be different.
But I would invite you to at least think twice about it.

Are you absolutely sure that not telling him that phrase is cringey is better than letting him try to guess and mindread?

"Maybe it's because the lack of sex has gone on for quite some time and we have openly talked about the issues in the past. And, as you rightly say, he has tried numerous things in the past, which is why I believe that telling him would make him feel shitty."

How openly? Have you ever told him what works and what doesn't? How did he take it?
I'd dare say that if he's the kind of person who reacts so negatively to feedback then he has a huge problem and he should do something about it, because I think that most relationships where problems cannot be discussed are doomed.

"I'm sure you can steer him towards things which work for you, and away from those that don't, without saying that X phrase was cringey"

"A lot of men are really bad at picking up hints"

What is it with women and "hints" or "steering"? What is wrong with clear, direct, unmistakable communication?