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Original poster

Endless arguing about cleaning

74 replies

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 20:51

Honestly the thought that this is my life forever just depresses me, but I need perspective as it might just be me.

Dh and I get on well, he's a great dad, does more than his fair share, but we constantly argue about cleaning and I'm just so done with it.

He thinks I'm neurotic about cleaning so gets pissed off whenever I am cleaning or dare mention that something needs cleaning.

My standard is a full house hoover + mop per week, bathrooms done once per week too. Rest of the week is just keeping on tip of dishes and laundry. Is this neurotic?

DD pooed in the bath tonight, I've just asked him if he could make a start on cleaning the bathroom while I'm doing the dishes and he rolled his eyes and huffed and puffed saying "here we go, you're going to be neurotic about cleaning all week because we have guests coming soon". Err no, she's shat the bath??? And the bathroom has needed doing for over a week anyway?

I got a cleaner for a while and it was heavenly. But he kept moaning it was a waste of money as he didn't mind doing it in the evenings, so I reluctantly cancelled her. Well, that's worked well.

Earlier I hoovered and he was miserable, sighing that me hoovering does his head in. Again, it hadn't been done for a week and didn't affect his life whatsoever.

I think I get unreasonably enraged about this, but cleaning is hardly my passion and to get moaned at while I am doing it on top of it makes me want to scream.

I just don't see how we can resolve this, we've tried to discuss it time and time again.

OP posts:

80s · 28/12/2022 21:15

What is his ideal standard?
Could it be that he also thinks 1x a week is about right, but he is bad at remembering when it was last done? --> use a schedule
Does he just not like you hoovering when he's watching TV or whatever? --> use a schedule
Or would he be happier with less cleaning? --> find a compromise?

KangarooKenny · 28/12/2022 21:18

Once a week is not neurotic.
And if he’s not doing it as agreed, you get a cleaner again.

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:22

Could it be that he also thinks 1x a week is about right, but he is bad at remembering when it was last done? --> use a schedule - Possibly, this is worth a try to prove I am not neurotic

Or would he be happier with less cleaning? I don't think so and this is what annoys me. He enjoys the house not being a tip but doesn't want me to clean, him to clean, or to pay a cleaner. Well it doesn't happen by magic!

I also wouldn't be happy to compromise on less cleaning. I feel we already only do the bare minimum because we are so busy. We have 2 small DCs who make a lot of mess so the day before the weekly hoover/mop, the kitchen floor looks pretty bad already.

OP posts:

vipersnest1 · 28/12/2022 21:24

Offer him two choices:
Either he does half of the cleaning himself, or you both agree to get a cleaner.
My money is on him agreeing to a cleaner again.
You don't have to put up with that.

Onnabugeisha · 28/12/2022 21:24

How is he doing more than his fair share? Doesn’t sound like it.
Once a week is the bare minimum imho. You don’t even mention the kitchen or dusting btw.

Id try a schedule where you are both cleaning- you can knock out your once a week tasks in a couple hours on say Saturday or Sunday morning. Then it’s just keeping on top of spills or the odd bath tub accident.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/12/2022 21:25

He bites the bullet over the cleaner. Sorry but a man who doesn't clean and complains a cleaner is too expensive is sexist and misogynistic.

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:29

KangarooKenny · 28/12/2022 21:18

Once a week is not neurotic.
And if he’s not doing it as agreed, you get a cleaner again.

The thing is, he does do it most of the time, so maybe I am being unreasonable. It's the fact he rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs every time I remind him to clean or clean myself that really gets me.

Then acts like a victim and says "it's fine, I'm going to do it", after a 5 minute argument about it. Every. Single. Time.

Perhaps I just need to learn to ignore the attitude and just focus on the fact it gets done eventually.

But he's not a child, can't he just behave normally?

OP posts:

80s · 28/12/2022 21:33

Have a chat at a time when you are not actually cleaning. After you've arranged a schedule, it might also be worth asking him what reaction he hopes to get when he calls you "neurotic".

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:34

Also to add I was always paying the cleaner out of my own account, not the joint account as I knew he disapproved but I needed to make my life easier. It was my own money, I earn more than enough so it wasn't impacting him or us financially in any way at all.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 21:34

Sorry but there s nothing more boring than somebody obsessed with cleaning.

bloodyplanes · 28/12/2022 21:34

From what you say op you don't sound excessively neurotic about cleaning, would your partner agree with you over the amount of cleaning you do? I have a relative who is neurotic about cleaning and it's awful to be around, makes you feel really unwelcome and uncomfortable. Actually makes you not want to visit so it must be very hard to live with. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a conversation about what you consider an acceptable level of cleanliness.

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:37

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 21:34

Sorry but there s nothing more boring than somebody obsessed with cleaning.

I get that but I'm genuinely not obsessed. It's just one part of running the household that just needs doing and arranging between ourselves. We wouldn't talk about it this much if he didn't make a big deal out of it every time.

The house also genuinely looks a mess most of the time, we are only doing the bare minimum as it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:38

bloodyplanes · 28/12/2022 21:34

I think we have the same standards but he wants it to happen by magic without it ever being mentioned.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 28/12/2022 21:40

If he has the same standards as you, let it all slip. Wait until he starts telling you 10 times to do it. Redress the balance, for the price of giving yourself some time off.

Onnabugeisha · 28/12/2022 21:40

It's the fact he rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs every time I remind him to clean or clean myself that really gets me.

Yeah this is annoying as fuck. Makes you feel like an evil step mum and he a Cinderella. You can have a chat and say please don’t huff and puff, can you just get on with it?

If you do schedule a block of time that is the same every week, then he is less likely to whinge about it.

If he needs to vent, then join in! You could make it light hearted and set your phone timer and say…right it’s time to whinge and whine about cleaning. And then you can both compete for funniest whinge about cleaning for say 2 mins and then agree to stop and knock the cleaning out with no more whinging.

Redburnett · 28/12/2022 21:41

Why does cleaning matter so much to you that you would risk alienating your DH over it? I genuinely do not understand. Are you a SAHM with nothing else to think about? Honestly you need to find something else to focus on, eg get a hobby.

80s · 28/12/2022 21:42

If you have a schedule, you wouldn't have to mention it when it was his turn, would you? And when it's your turn, could you arrange to do it at a time when he's out?

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 21:45

Redburnett · 28/12/2022 21:41

Because it needs to be done and we both have full time jobs and small DC to look after so we need to work as a team? Why should I do it all?

OP posts:

Workinghardeveryday · 28/12/2022 21:47

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 21:34

Sorry but there s nothing more boring than somebody obsessed with cleaning.

Ffs 🙄

Edinburghmusing · 28/12/2022 21:49

Get a cleaner. Pay for it out of the joint account. Tell him he didn’t pull his weight with the cleaning. You’re sick of taking about and this is what’s going to happen.

i find it quite telling the money came from your account - he itnadmit it - but he thinks penis people shouldn’t have to clean.

Edinburghmusing · 28/12/2022 21:50

Did his mum do all the cleaning? I bet he grew up in a lovely clean house and never saw his father clean it.

jamsandwich1 · 28/12/2022 21:52

I could have written this. We got a cleaner, he moaned that they didn’t clean thoroughly and that he could clean bathroom etc better (although would wait until it was rancid to do it). Got rid of cleaner, argued for about a year. I took matters into my own hands and found a cleaner again. Once a week for 3 hours and all is well. Hang the cost, it’s so worth it.

SassyPants87 · 28/12/2022 21:54

Me and my DH would argue all the time over cleaning! It really put a wedge in our relationship! If you can afford it get the cleaner back! We got a cleaner and we hardly ever argue anymore

gannett · 28/12/2022 21:55

From OP's description of her standards she doesn't sound neurotic about cleaning at all. I'm a complete slattern and those are roughly my standards! Having said that I've known former housemates who'd swear up and down they're not neurotic about it but every single conversation would somehow come back to cleaning and how it needed to be done at every single minute of the day.

But the solution is always the same anyway. Divvy up chores - you take X, he takes Y, then you leave the other person alone to do them. Put up a rota or whiteboard so you can tick them off when they're done each week and you have (or rather he has) a visual reminder. (I think leaving people to do chores in their own time should be the way forward but this should avoid "in his own time" becoming "never".)

The goal is to have some sort of cleaning system between the two of you that enables you to reduce conversation about it to a bare minimum.

If it doesn't work then you have concrete evidence that it doesn't work and you rehire the cleaner.

Original poster

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 22:12

Thank you so much for the helpful suggestions.

DH actually came down after cleaning the bathroom and apologised for his behaviour, so we had another chat and your suggestions came in handy. We decided he'll do his half on a set day so it avoids me having to remind him when it's not happened for 3 weeks and he thinks it's only been 3 days and also means he doesn't need to think about cleaning the rest of the days, and we don't need to talk about it either. I think this will really help.

I feel so relieved, I hate when we argue. He's actually on a roll and is cleaning the second bathroom now!

If this still fails I'll move to the advice of re-hiring the cleaner but will pay her from the joint account. I was actually resentful having to pay her myself as it definitely felt like cleaning was my sole responsibility, which it definitely shouldn't be.

Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:

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