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Original poster

Endless arguing about cleaning

74 replies

CleaningArguments · 28/12/2022 20:51

Honestly the thought that this is my life forever just depresses me, but I need perspective as it might just be me.

Dh and I get on well, he's a great dad, does more than his fair share, but we constantly argue about cleaning and I'm just so done with it.

He thinks I'm neurotic about cleaning so gets pissed off whenever I am cleaning or dare mention that something needs cleaning.

My standard is a full house hoover + mop per week, bathrooms done once per week too. Rest of the week is just keeping on tip of dishes and laundry. Is this neurotic?

DD pooed in the bath tonight, I've just asked him if he could make a start on cleaning the bathroom while I'm doing the dishes and he rolled his eyes and huffed and puffed saying "here we go, you're going to be neurotic about cleaning all week because we have guests coming soon". Err no, she's shat the bath??? And the bathroom has needed doing for over a week anyway?

I got a cleaner for a while and it was heavenly. But he kept moaning it was a waste of money as he didn't mind doing it in the evenings, so I reluctantly cancelled her. Well, that's worked well.

Earlier I hoovered and he was miserable, sighing that me hoovering does his head in. Again, it hadn't been done for a week and didn't affect his life whatsoever.

I think I get unreasonably enraged about this, but cleaning is hardly my passion and to get moaned at while I am doing it on top of it makes me want to scream.

I just don't see how we can resolve this, we've tried to discuss it time and time again.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 28/12/2022 22:32

That's a sudden about turn. Has he read this thread?
I just want to point out that he created a problem and every time you offered a solution, he rubbished it and you. He made it personal. Watch out for him slipping back into that behaviour pattern, its very undermining.

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 22:42

That’s a good outcome, OP.

I’d approach this from a slightly different angle which is, how is he usually with other ‘assigned’ tasks? I found the ‘Four Tendencies’ personality types by Gretchen Rubin useful (Google it) - my DH is a ‘Rebel’ and basically that means any strategy needs to be instigated by him not imposed on him, because he will instinctively push back otherwise.

That sounds a bit ‘excusing Big Man’s crap behaviour’, I know, but it honestly has helped to approach things like this with me not in the ‘please do this’ role. Strategies like a fixed day, fixed chores I don’t ever get involved in etc really help.

Onnabugeisha · 28/12/2022 23:21

Well done OP. If he’s doing his share regularly same time every week, it will make it less stressful all around.

allboysherebutme · 28/12/2022 23:59

I hoover twice a day, mop everyday, clean the toilet and kitchen everyday and polish bedrooms once a week I would not say you are neurotic, I'd say his standards are low and he's lazy. X

Original poster
CleaningArguments · 29/12/2022 09:05

@NoSquirrels yes I think we definitely have that - me asking him to do something triggers rebellion even if he actually doesn't mind doing it and agrees it needs doing. So hopefully with the set day and no reminding from me it will be easier. He's not chosen his set day yet though, I will make sure he has by the time this week's over so we're not in this situation next week again!

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 29/12/2022 09:40

If floors are the bulk of it, might be worth saving up for a robot hoover and mop. I hate floor cleaning, all that bashing against furniture and picking stuff up and sweating. Now I just have to wipe surfaces, pick the off thing up and keep the robots full/empty/charged, SUCH A RELIEF.
We did have a cleaner but she got worse (and nuttier) as time went on.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 09:42

I got a cleaner for a while and it was heavenly. But he kept moaning it was a waste of money as he didn't mind doing it in the evenings, so I reluctantly cancelled her. Well, that's worked well.

We got a dishwasher years ago because i wanted one but DH said a 2 person household (both with long hours and stressful jobs) didn't need one. So i said "fine, i am never washing up again" and within a week we had a dishwasher all plumbed in and ready to go.

Get the cleaner back and pay from the joint account. If you're ok doing your half of the cleaning, the cleaner only needs to do your "DH's half"

isthewashingdryyet · 29/12/2022 09:48

You need him the read the one about the dish by the drainer that caused a divorce.
and I have also heard about the one where when he says huff and puff you say fuck off Cleaning, as essentially that is what he is saying to you.

it is the sort of argument that slowly kills love, so is he prepared for that unintended consequence?

W0tnow · 29/12/2022 09:52

How about a compromise on the cleaner and get one of those robo vacuum thingies?

GetOffTheRoof · 29/12/2022 09:57

Get a robot hoover. Ours saved our marriage over similar arguments. We have a husky cross who sheds like fury. Keeps on top of the worst of the fluff and reduces the arguments enormously... We now have one upstairs and one downstairs.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 29/12/2022 09:59

Get the cleaner back

SnowAndFrostOutside · 29/12/2022 10:01

That's a bare minimum you are doing. I have a cleaner once a week and I still do the bathrooms and kitchen in between. If you can afford it, get the cleaner back. It is important for your marriage. You have very different standards in cleaniness.

layladomino · 29/12/2022 10:27

That's a good outcome Op. Your standards seem very reasonable and 'normal'.... a good clean once a week and keeping on top of the essentials in the meantime is certainly not 'obsessed' with cleaning!

If you rehire the cleaner, this HAS to be from the joint account. I'm appalled that your DH was happy for YOU personally to pay for a cleaner. How does he explain the fairness of that??

If it doesn't work this time, you may have to point out to him how deeply unattractive and boring his childish approach to cleaning is.

category12 · 29/12/2022 10:28

GetOffTheRoof · 29/12/2022 09:57

Get a robot hoover. Ours saved our marriage over similar arguments. We have a husky cross who sheds like fury. Keeps on top of the worst of the fluff and reduces the arguments enormously... We now have one upstairs and one downstairs.

What brand is yours? How noisy is it?

GetOffTheRoof · 29/12/2022 12:39

category12 · 29/12/2022 10:28

What brand is yours? How noisy is it?

Show quote history

Eufy. One is an 11S, the other is a 30c I think. The only difference is the 30 version has WiFi capability so I can set it off remotely, but both go off on timers each day anyway.

They last for about an hour and a half, and you can watch TV with them on for example, although it's irritating. I WFH and have both going around while I'm working, although I'll stop them for a phonecall or meeting.

category12 · 29/12/2022 12:59

Thanks @GetOffTheRoof 😊

Bestcatmum · 29/12/2022 13:06

It's perfectly normal cleaning. Even I clean more than that and I'm pretty lazy. Does he want to live like a pig?

Original poster
CleaningArguments · 06/01/2023 22:25

Well, well... it's been 9 days. The bathrooms haven't been cleaned since.

I breezily mentioned it yesterday and said "oh you didn't tell me which day you're choosing for the housework, I've just realised it's been over a week" and he just said "yes I know" in a slightly irritated way. But he did nothing about it yesterday, nor today.

He definitely hates being told/reminded so that's definitely the trigger, but I'll have to ask tomorrow again. And by then I'll be properly annoyed so will probably not say it in a pleasant way which won't help either.

He's not even been that busy with work this week, so not overwhelmed, and DCs have been going to bed super early every day, so plenty of time to get on with it. I've been up a few nights with the DCs too and am exhausted, but still managed to uphold my side of the bargain.

Frustrating. I mean, how bloody hard is it!

OP posts:
NovelFarmer · 07/01/2023 03:17

Can you get the cleaner back? Sounds like nothings changed.

TheTeenageYears · 07/01/2023 05:08

I hate cleaning, actually that's not quite true, I hate the thought of cleaning but once doing it, like many tasks I try to delay/avoid it isn't anywhere near as bad doing as feeling it needs doing. We have a cleaner which relieves me from the thoughts of I need to clean, I need to clean, I need to clean but still not actually cleaning which just makes me feel crap about myself. I'm sure i'm not alone. If we didn't have a cleaner and in amongst all those thoughts DH pointed out how x,y,z needed doing I think it would just make things worse. When I do need to clean I do it in one go rather than daily tasks which yes take less time but means a) the house is never clean everywhere because dirt moves around and b) to avoid a daily battle with myself between what needs to be done and what I'm actually doing. Put the schedule on a white board - you mark off your tasks according to whatever you have agreed with DH. He does the same and if in 4 weeks tasks are not being completed as per agreements hire a cleaner, pay for it out of the joint account and just switch off to any DH bemoaning about the cleaner.

freezingpompoms · 07/01/2023 06:44

Get the cleaner in this week. He's setting my you up to be a nag. I wouldn't discuss it further nor remind him. You aren't his PA, I would be so fuming if I was you.

Original poster
CleaningArguments · 07/01/2023 07:34

Do you know what @freezingpompoms I'm actually going to do that. Rather than reminding him this weekend and getting into another argument. That's a great idea. And I'll definitely pay for it from the joint account. I feel relieved already. He's had enough chances.

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 07/01/2023 08:04

And use the technique of just repeating yourself so you don’t get into an argument.
you said you would clean in the week and over a week has gone by and you haven’t. We need a cleaner as I can’t live in a dirty home.

good luck

Original poster
CleaningArguments · 07/01/2023 08:57

I asked DH this morning which of us should take DC to his activity today and his answer was "well it depends, if you want me to clean then you can take him while I do that". So at least he's remembered all by himself but "If you want me to clean" - that's an infuriating way of wording it right? I despair.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 09:03

CleaningArguments · 07/01/2023 08:57

I asked DH this morning which of us should take DC to his activity today and his answer was "well it depends, if you want me to clean then you can take him while I do that". So at least he's remembered all by himself but "If you want me to clean" - that's an infuriating way of wording it right? I despair.

Yes, that is infuriating. What did you say?