Endless arguing about cleaning

[CleaningArguments]

Honestly the thought that this is my life forever just depresses me, but I need perspective as it might just be me.

Dh and I get on well, he's a great dad, does more than his fair share, but we constantly argue about cleaning and I'm just so done with it.

He thinks I'm neurotic about cleaning so gets pissed off whenever I am cleaning or dare mention that something needs cleaning.

My standard is a full house hoover + mop per week, bathrooms done once per week too. Rest of the week is just keeping on tip of dishes and laundry. Is this neurotic?

DD pooed in the bath tonight, I've just asked him if he could make a start on cleaning the bathroom while I'm doing the dishes and he rolled his eyes and huffed and puffed saying "here we go, you're going to be neurotic about cleaning all week because we have guests coming soon". Err no, she's shat the bath??? And the bathroom has needed doing for over a week anyway?

I got a cleaner for a while and it was heavenly. But he kept moaning it was a waste of money as he didn't mind doing it in the evenings, so I reluctantly cancelled her. Well, that's worked well.

Earlier I hoovered and he was miserable, sighing that me hoovering does his head in. Again, it hadn't been done for a week and didn't affect his life whatsoever.

I think I get unreasonably enraged about this, but cleaning is hardly my passion and to get moaned at while I am doing it on top of it makes me want to scream.

I just don't see how we can resolve this, we've tried to discuss it time and time again.

Also, does that mean he’s chosen his ‘regular day’ to clean as the Saturday slot that coincides with an activity run he’d otherwise have to share 50-50?

Fuck that. Nope, DH.

The eye rolling and the huffing and puffing would totally do my head in. Your standards are the same as mine and seem pretty normal to me.

We do half each, I couldn’t live any differently and neither should anyone one else. Stand up to him and put a stop to this nonsense.

Your cleaning schedule is the standard minimum for a house.

He is 'not seeing it'

I'd get the cleaner back if you can afford it.

The child shat in the bath are you seriously suggesting that it should be left?

Set up a rota with you and DH on it.

I think it the more banging on about it
nothing worse than someone reminding you to do something you were going to do anyway
Many People have different timescales and standards

This is a weird comment. So OP should tiptoe round a shit hole hiding how frustrated she's feeling so as not bother her DP? Heaven forbid he has to think about boring domestic stuff. Just suck it up wifey? And put a 1950s bow in your hair while you're at it.

Me - What do you mean "If I want you to clean"
DH - No I don't mean it like that, I just mean if you want me to do it today rather than an evening next week
Me - Well, it has been 9 days already
DH - Yes but we had guests (loves having an excuse for everything)
Me - Yes and they left 5 days ago.

But yes this often happens that he'll suddenly be willing to clean at the weekend, so I have to juggle both DCs and activity run by myself. I do find this really irritating too but thought I was unreasonable and shouldn't dictate when he does it as long as he does it.

But this was my point about having the cleaner, so there isn't too much cleaning to do at the weekend so one of us isn't having to do the childcare alone while the other one cleans.

Sigh.

I could have written this post. It's not just the lower standards and inability to see mess, it's the begrudging attitude too. Mine told me to tell him when it needs done. (Like a child 🙄) so I started doing that but then he got arsey about being nagged. Fuck it, I've had enough. I've booked a cleaner. It's literally the only thing we row about so looking forward to a more peaceful 2023.

Ugh.

I think I’d be compelled to say ‘I don’t want you to clean today - I wanted you to clean 2 days ago. Because it’s been 9 days already and you agreed to once a week. And if you choose to do it on a Saturday you’re also making me in charge of the activity run. It feels unfair, DH.’

willing to clean at the weekend, so I have to juggle both DCs and activity run by myself

Can’t he clean with the DC who’s not doing an activity staying at home with him?

He's at home now with the other DC (didn't want to drag them out in the rain) waiting for me to get back so he can clean. I manage to clean while looking after this DC, but that's too much multitasking for him! They are young to be fair so I'd rather he didn't try and just focus on keeping them safe!!

Sort out a schedule 📅

DH changes the beds, towels and cleans the bathroom every Friday, he puts it in the wash

I go round after with the hoover and polish

I do most of other washing, drying and fold it up on our bed to put away

DH does the shopping and all cooking

I go round after, tidy up and load the dishwasher, we both unload it.

Both WFH, take turns getting a cuppa in the morning

He takes the dogs out 99% of the time, me probably 80%

We both know where we are with things

Yep, it sounds exactly the same! Its the begrudging attitude! And do they not see how unattractive it is to behave like a child that needs to be told what to do?

So happy for you that you have booked a cleaner, may you have a wonderful 2023!

Get the cleaner back! This is exactly how it used to be with us. Life's too short to deal with a grown adult behaving like a child like this.

Replace the word "cleaning" with homework and it sounds like me talking to a year 11!

I also feel I should add that I am aware this is very much a first world problem, and some people manage cleaning and childcare on their own every day.

And I am lucky this is the biggest problem DH and I have and the only thing we row about.

It just feels good to get it off my chest!

Sounds brilliant! It reminds me that DH moans as well when I wash the sheets! It would never occur to him to change them, but if I've washed them and haven't put them back on before it's bedtime he whinges that's it's annoying having to put sheets on. Urgh.

I clean more than you and my house isn't a show home but have a dog and toddler. You definitely aren't neurotic, just normal

I think I’d go home and say

DH, I’ve been thinking more about getting the cleaner back in. It would be totally worth the money to me to never again have to talk about when the bathroom was last cleaned and who was going to do it when. We’d have the afternoon at the weekend back for fun, you wouldn’t be still needing to clean now while I wrangle the kids on my own. I’m going to book her.

If he says

But I’ll clean in the evenings

Say

Look, let’s be realistic. You’re tired in the evenings and I’m fed up of being the person who has to nag - it’s literally the only thing we argue about. And I’m sad about weekends. Let’s just put an bit of money towards eliminating the problem altogether. We’ll trial it for 3 months.

It would never occur to him to change them, but if I've washed them and haven't put them back on before it's bedtime he whinges that's it's annoying having to put sheets on. Urgh.

You’ve been in my house then, OP.

My DH at least has the grace to never say it out loud anymore.

He is taking you for a right old ride with this. Unless you want to keep going around in this circle forever, you need to put an end to it.

No rota, no reminding, nagging, pleading, imploring. He is fifty percent of the adults in the house and is responsible for pulling his weight independantly, without your help.

All this energy you're putting into this, he is happy to for you to do it. It's rude.

He definitely hates being told/reminded so that's definitely the trigger, but I'll have to ask tomorrow again. And by then I'll be properly annoyed so will probably not say it in a pleasant way which won't help either.

The alternative to being told/reminded is to do the thing. I wouldn't speak with him about this again. I would set up a cleaner for the frequency and duration you feel is reasonable to keep the house in the state that you need it to be. Pay out of the joint account.

Done. He cannot have it both ways. Either he is involved in the cleaning of the house in a reasonable adult way (he's not and will never be) or he is happy for you to do it, and in this case you choose a cleaner.

My husband would leave the sheets until they took on sentient life like in that creepy M R James ghost story.

I therefore periodically pull them off the beds forcing him to remake to go to bed. He doesn't moan though - looks sheepish.

Therefore he knows he's a slob and he knows I know.

He sounds awful and passive aggressive. I am so sick of these men who have to be managed into being remotely functional (yes, NAMALT). You seem to have to do your share and organise him too. Even if he agrees to something approaching a reasonable compromise, you'll have to keep the whole show on the road in case things slip again (they will). I don't think he'll ever change because he doesn't care enough about you or fairness to do his share. Even if you get a cleaner, you'll do the searching, hiring, paying and sorting out holidays/illness/missed cleans. Resentment will keep building, he'll continue to to refuse to do his share, no matter what arrangements you put into place. This will affect your relationship. I have seen this scenario play out in my own life and with so many of my friends.

Allocate him and the kids one bathroom and you have sole use of the other. Never ever clean his bathroom. Let the kids use yours if his becomes too lethal.