Restraining order - Red flag?

[Lulabellax]

Hi everyone

So I have been on a few dates now with a guy who seems genuine however I’m feeling like something dosent add up. So he has a daughter from a previous relationship who has just turned 6. He was open and honest about his divorce and said it was due to his ex cheating on him with a family friend. During the conversation he also mentioned that she’d taken a restraining order out against him and he was not allowed near the family home at the time which was done in a malicious way and according to the courts, she had been proven to lie a lot. After having a previously abusive relationship this raised so many alarm bells as I can’t help but feel he’s telling me what I want to hear. He’s a great dad, shares custody and seems very responsible towards his family however I can’t shake this. Am I being paranoid or should I bin him off? Thanks!

Yes of course this is a Red Flag. Get out now.

Christ run away; how do you know anything he has said is true and restraining orders are not easy to just take out against people

Red flag.

Bin him off. He might be telling the truth but courts don't really award restraining orders all that lightly. Particularly not against innocent victims of adultery.

🚩🚩🚩

Run

Clare’s Law.

Ask yourself what you actually KNOW about this guy other than what he has told you.

Do you KNOW his ex cheated with a family friend?
Do you KNOW he is an involved dad and responsible?
Do you KNOW the courts validated his claim his ex is a liar?
Or could this all be made up with no way for you to verify what he is saying?

Also ask yourself whether the police hand out restraining orders based on vindictive say-so or if there is actually quite a high burden of evidence required to grant one?

Massive red flag. I would never date anyone who has had a restraining order against them. You are only hearing his side of the story and as you have been in an abusive relationship before you will know exactly how much the abuser can twist things and turn themselves into the victim while dissing the ex. He had a restraining order put on him for a reason, nobody would go to such lengths to do that maliciously.

Run as fast as you can.

You need to ask? I wouldn’t get involved just because I don’t want that drama in my life

If you even consider continuing any relationship with him you need to do a Clare’s law request and find out what is held on him.

This can’t be serious!? Of course it’s a red flag. I’m not sure I can think of a more redder flag?? Maybe a violent conviction but that’s it

MASSIVE flashing red flagd everywhere.

Have you looked up the freedom programme? Worth a look.

Red bunting

I think you need to get some counselling to find out why you think this guy should even be within 6 feet of you

'Open and honest' =/= 'My ex cheated on me with my friend and then made up things to give enough evidence for her to present to a judge and for them to agree on banning me from going anywhere near her, I'm so unfortunate and hard done by'.

Chances are that he accused her of cheating, was controlling and violent and she was a victim of the shit justice system that forces women to have contact with their abusers 'for the benefit of the child and bollocks to the woman actually wanting to not get stalked, harassed or abused anymore'

Thank you for confirming, I’m going to stick to my instincts and get rid because I’m not prepared to take that risk without hearing her side. I don’t know the process of restraining orders or how they are handed out.

He was open and honest about his divorce
How would you know whether he was either open or honest? You barely know they guy, & it's not exactly like you can corroborate his version of events with anyone else involved.

said it was due to his ex cheating on him with a family friend
He said, he said ... there is no way you can know if he's being truthful or not about this.

he also mentioned that she’d taken a restraining order out against him and he was not allowed near the family home at the time which was done in a malicious way and according to the courts, she had been proven to lie a lot.
Oh come on OP, pull yourself together & get logical.
Do you know how difficult it is to obtain a restraining order?
Do you imagine they are handed out to people acting on malicious motives?
If the court believed his ex to be a liar, they would not have granted the RO. Therefore, she was telling the truth.

He’s a great dad,
😂Again - how would YOU know?

shares custody and seems very responsible towards his family
How does he share custody? What %? Does he pay maintenance & for extras for his kids? In what way does he demonstrate responsibility?

This is all WORDS.
You can't know if any of it is true until you've stuck around long enough to find out. And if he's a great dad he won't be introducing you to his kids for at least a year, so you'll have no picture of what's he's like with them.

Still, a year should be long enough for you to work out why his ex needed a RO.
Or - you could cut out the arseache & just not date men who need a court to tell them to leave women alone ...

Good call OP.

You are wise, IMO.

best of luck.

Your all very very right!!! I feel like a fool now.

He has 50/50 custody and has her half the week when he’s not working. He said he spent 30k in fees to have her.

I’m probably not ready to be dating again even though it’s been over 2 years. I know now that the biggest red flag is a man that slates and disrespects his exs as “crazy”.

You have instincts for a reason. You are right to listen to them.

Red flag!!! Run a mile, seriously. Look at doing the Freedom Programme. Men can be very good at seeking out women with a history of domestic abuse, because they are vulnerable / have lowered defences / low self-esteem etc. I should know - I have been there. Freedom Programme exists to break that cycle.

Run! restraining orders are not dished out easily or for no good reason

It is fucking HARD to get an RO. If she’d been lying, it wouldn’t have been given.

run.

I can’t believe you need to ask.