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Original poster

Restraining order - Red flag?

66 replies

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 17:39

Hi everyone

So I have been on a few dates now with a guy who seems genuine however I’m feeling like something dosent add up. So he has a daughter from a previous relationship who has just turned 6. He was open and honest about his divorce and said it was due to his ex cheating on him with a family friend. During the conversation he also mentioned that she’d taken a restraining order out against him and he was not allowed near the family home at the time which was done in a malicious way and according to the courts, she had been proven to lie a lot. After having a previously abusive relationship this raised so many alarm bells as I can’t help but feel he’s telling me what I want to hear. He’s a great dad, shares custody and seems very responsible towards his family however I can’t shake this. Am I being paranoid or should I bin him off? Thanks!

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2022 18:06

Shoes on, out the door, run like gell and never look back. Don't tell hom why either, tell him you're just not feeling it instead. That way hopefully he will tell the next date about his restraining order too and give them a chance to trust their instincts as you have.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 28/12/2022 18:08

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 17:39

Hi everyone

Ask to see a copy of it, and decide from there.

supersonicginandtonic · 28/12/2022 18:09

I work with many victims of domestic abuse and controlling behaviour. It is extremely difficult to get a restraining order. Very very difficult

Everybodywants · 28/12/2022 18:11

Restraining orders are only gained through a criminal investigation. Mostly in cases where charges are authorised by the CPS. Sometimes when they don't charge, but the case would have had to be put to the CPS in the first place. Not easy or quick to obtain so there must have been evidence that he had committed the crime in question for it to get to that point

Original poster

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 18:17

Thank you so much for clarifying how difficult they are to obtain, that’s even more concerning as it must mean a crime was involved.

OP posts:

Alici · 28/12/2022 18:22

He was open and honest about his divorce and said it was due to his ex cheating on him with a family friend.

So he was open and honest by telling you his ex has no morals and he is an innocent victim?

twoundertwohowscary · 28/12/2022 18:25

I have a restraining order against an ex. It took him ignoring three previous PIN notices, an attempted break in and charges to actually go to CPS and in front of a judge, until I got a restraining order.

TrentCrimm · 28/12/2022 18:29

How many decent, law abiding, calm and rational people do you think there are under restraining orders?

Hint. Not a lot.

DottyLittleRainbow · 28/12/2022 18:42

Red flag. Do a Clare’s law request.

It is actually quite hard to obtain a restraining order even with evidence of actual stalking/harassment..

Newwardrobe · 28/12/2022 18:44

My friends daughter had a relationship with a man who had a restraining order against him. He also had a 'crazy ex' .
Hes just been released from prison for attempting to strangle her .

Nicedayout22 · 28/12/2022 18:47

With the greatest respect,if a RESTRAINING ORDER isn't a red flag,what is? There's plenty of other men our there without one of these. You deserve better.

Bingobangodrinkacanoftango · 28/12/2022 18:50

i agree, he’s hardly likely to say “I was a massive abusive arsehole” blaming the crazy ex doing it maliciously sounds textbook. A restraining order isn’t always easy to get. Convenient that their break up was all on her and yet she chose to be vindictive and seek out a RO out of spite. That’s not to say malicious or false allegations don’t exist ever but his explanation of events seems unusual and paints him as a total innocent in all regards.

Realistically you don’t know him well enough yet at a few dates to confidently say he is a good dad, seems nice etc as abusers are excellent at putting up appearances. I personally would cut my losses but obviously you have to make thy choice, I would want to see a copy of the order and know more details - ideally not just his word - only you know if you feel he has earned the benefit of the doubt here.

Aquasulis · 28/12/2022 18:50

I went to court 9 times - on the 6 th time they gave him a restraining order - the bar was incredibly incredibly high but he had managed to wiggle it before - I can’t tell you what I went through in the previous 3 years. Block him, delete him and move on

CheekyHobson · 28/12/2022 18:53

I know now that the biggest red flag is a man that slates and disrespects his exs as “crazy”.

One hundred percent. I have an abusive ex but on the rare occasions that I talk about him to anyone new, I am extremely measured and acknowledge that he has a different view of things. I also don't portray myself as a victim; yes, he did some objectively bad things but I also stayed in the relationship for various reasons (including the naive hope he would change and financial vulnerability) when I could have made different choices if I had been prepared to take on a different kind of difficult path.

With my close friends who have seen our situation play out close-up over a number of years and who have been repeatedly dumbstruck by what an asshole my ex can be, I am of course freer with venting frustrated feelings and harsher opinions about his choices, but the difference is that their opinion of him is not being influenced by me. They've seen enough themselves to know I'm not giving a twisted view of the situation.

Cheerfulpedantry · 28/12/2022 18:58

It’s not a red flag so much as a clear and overt statement that he is a violent and dangerous man.

labazslovesliving · 28/12/2022 19:02

meant to say it took my ex attacking me with cs gas amongst other things before I got a restraining order they are really hard to get to convince a judge etc to issue them

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2022 19:08

I’m going to stick to my instincts and get rid because I’m not prepared to take that risk without hearing her side

Very wise, OP - though do be prepared for him to produce someone who "knows his ex very well" to prop up his story

You'd have no reason to trust them either, but the bigger point is why take a risk on someone with a restraining order when there are so many others who haven't?

AssumingDirectControl · 28/12/2022 19:08

It’s possible for the courts to grant a non-molestation order without hearing evidence, but a restraining order is different and usually comes about after criminal offences (which may include breaching non-molestation orders). I wouldn’t get involved with this situation at all.

SuzieSheep22 · 28/12/2022 19:12

You’re right to have doubts. The court don’t hand restraining orders out like sweets.
Ring 101 ask for a Sarahs law application.

SuzieSheep22 · 28/12/2022 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NothingHoldingMeBack · 28/12/2022 19:23

I would say go with your gut. I found out during family court proceedings that my ex has two non molestation orders on him previously prior to the third which I got against him.

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 19:45

Some women will lie and do whatever it takes to get one over on their ex.

However, this is a very small number and the majority of the time the man is lying and playing his part down s as I’d making out like the ex was the villain or just plain crazy.

I am surprised that he can have his DD unsupervised basically 50/50.
But I guess that means he is not a threat to his child but that doesn’t mean he’s not a threat to women.

I would absolutely do a Claire’s law check as it’s a massive red flag but tbh even if it came back to prove he was innocent and the ex was lying, I still don’t think I could be bothered with all of the drama of it.

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 19:46

I found out during family court proceedings that my ex has two non molestation orders on him previously prior to the third which I got against him.

Wow that’s scary that 3 women got non-molestation orders against him!

thisusernameisnotavailablepleasetryanother · 28/12/2022 19:48

The fact you need to ask is proof enough that you know deep down something is off.
DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN!!

AwNo · 28/12/2022 19:48

Yes

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