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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Restraining order - Red flag?

66 replies

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 17:39

Hi everyone

So I have been on a few dates now with a guy who seems genuine however I’m feeling like something dosent add up. So he has a daughter from a previous relationship who has just turned 6. He was open and honest about his divorce and said it was due to his ex cheating on him with a family friend. During the conversation he also mentioned that she’d taken a restraining order out against him and he was not allowed near the family home at the time which was done in a malicious way and according to the courts, she had been proven to lie a lot. After having a previously abusive relationship this raised so many alarm bells as I can’t help but feel he’s telling me what I want to hear. He’s a great dad, shares custody and seems very responsible towards his family however I can’t shake this. Am I being paranoid or should I bin him off? Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 19:56

Thank you for sharing your stories and I’m sorry that you’ve had these awful experiences, I hope you have managed to heal now 💐

There are billions of decent men without restraining orders against them and it’s just not worth the risk. My ex also had one which was never ever mentioned to me. He turned nasty after two years together during my pregnancy when he left for someone else. He was butter wouldn’t melt and kept up the kindest, respectable image for so long that I now question men that play the victim.

God I’m happier single 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 19:59

Shall I do a Clare’s Law? Although I don’t plan to continue seeing him.

Can restraining orders be due to excessive contact and non violence?

OP posts:
musicalgymball · 28/12/2022 20:01

Yes do a Clare's Law request. Ring 101 and do it now.

SuzieSheep22 · 28/12/2022 20:02

Apologies I meant Claire’s Law!
(Sarahs Law is child sex offenders disclosure scheme)

Reugny · 28/12/2022 20:08

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 19:59

Shall I do a Clare’s Law? Although I don’t plan to continue seeing him.

Can restraining orders be due to excessive contact and non violence?

What like over a hundred incidents of stalking the victim to her home, then threatening her with violence when she was in there and with the neighbours sometimes calling the police as well?

AriettyHomily · 28/12/2022 20:27

It's not a red flag it's a giant double king size duvet red flag.

winterchills · 28/12/2022 20:37

Definitely claires law. Also how do you know that hes a good dad when you have only been on a few dates with him? I wouldn't believe him

Original poster
Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 20:57

Just submitted a Clare’s Law, hopefully they’ll accept it as technically we aren’t really in a relationship

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2022 21:01

No need to do a Claire law on someone you've barely dated. Just dump and move on. He's not your boyfriend (luckily!).

Besides even if it was true that his ex was crazy and took out a restraining order for no reason - that's far too much baggage. Someone tells you their ex is nuts and they have kids with them and there's so much drama that a restraining order is involved- ffs run, life is too short.

SpinningFloppa · 28/12/2022 21:13

I don’t get the Claire’s law thing either? Why do you need to? Just move on? Hardly worth it for a guy you barely know..

Talon01 · 28/12/2022 21:29

Lulabellax · 28/12/2022 17:59

Your all very very right!!! I feel like a fool now.

He has 50/50 custody and has her half the week when he’s not working. He said he spent 30k in fees to have her.

I’m probably not ready to be dating again even though it’s been over 2 years. I know now that the biggest red flag is a man that slates and disrespects his exs as “crazy”.

If he is abusive he's done well to get 50/50 and must have deep pockets to fund the legal fees.

I've often wondered what a man is supposed to do if he does have a crazy ex. There's plenty out there.

Ppetunia · 28/12/2022 21:30

Op, my ex said exactly the same sort of thing to me. I chose to believe his story of the crazy ex etc, that they brought out the worst in each other. What I later found out was that he had a terrible anger problem which got him arrested several times for intimidating women. He constantly to this day plays it down, as though they instigated it. At the time, I spoke to the person who ran the anger management course he was on and though she couldn't directly say run a mile, she did hint it. I was stupid and still believed him. In hindsight, there are plenty of men without this sort of thing, id bin and move on.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 28/12/2022 21:44

Run.

starinthenightsky · 28/12/2022 22:48

I'm glad these replies have given you clarity. Definitely run from this man. You do not get a restraining order for no reason. I hope you heal a little bit more and can eventually start a fulfilling, healthy relationship with a lovely man in the future. I'm similar to you and seem to attract abusive or troubled men. I believe they sense my vulnerability and I am making steps to change this

greennavy · 29/12/2022 07:58

Blimey OP

Yeeeeessssa!!!

TheYummyPatler · 29/12/2022 08:04

The 50-50 residence claim may also be one of those things he says. The reality might be very different.

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